Please help me. My partner just shoved me against a wall by the throat and asked if I wanted to seee what murder looked like.

[theincredibequeenofwands]

He stormed out after a while.

I'm really shaken and I don't know what to do.

He was made redudant and is really stressed. I'm working as many hours as I can to make everything okay but he won't apply for jobs. I was looking online for him but and trying to get him interested and he just flipped.

I'm too ashamed to call up a friend and my parent's phone is engaged.

Please talk to me.

:'o(

My 'agenda' is for the OP and her child to be safe in their home. What's yours?

capatinmummy, there are never extenuating circumstances to taking someone by the throat and threatening to murder them

your slightly dangerous homelife where the both of you live in constant threat of wall-slamming and head-in-fridge-door scenarios (but you absolutely adore each other) do not make this OP's situation "extenuating"

or was it a kitchen knife thing ? I forget.

My neighbour had a violent partner.

The noises from her house broke my heart.

One day there was not a knock on my door, but a loud THUMP, I just managed to open it to see her massive partner dragging her back into her house by her hair. Her eyes locked into mine, I could see the terror and desperation, she whispered, "please phone the police".

I did. And they came. He had thrown her down the staircase, and she went into hospital. Social services came about her two young children. They had been home throughout. I had to give a statement to the police.

He kept away for a week after that. He lived around the corner. He cut down all the trees in her garden so that he could look at her house from his.

Some nights I would see her kids hiding in my bushes, bare feet, in their pjs, while he was beating her sense less inside.

I think what many people fail to realize that most women dont want to leave, or end the relationship. They always say "I dont want to leave. Lets see if it happens again first". Then it happens, and they promise themselves "I will leave the NEXT time. I am sure it was a one off". And another one off.

I have lost count of how many discussions I have had about DV with my friend who used to work for one major charity like WA, women are so often locked into a circle of abuse, always thinking "it will get better. This was the last time. This was a turning point".

I feel for my neighbour. She is still knocked senseless by her "partner" on a regular basis. Her children have now grown up and left the home. The youngest is now 16. They hardly visit. They say "sort your life mum, and we will come" "Sort your life mum, I am not taking my grandchild to your home until you get yourself sorted".

Some of us post a lot on threads like this because we have first hand experience. Some because we have seen it first hand.

Is it not common in dv situations that the victim defends the perpetuator? I think that is why people would challenge it.

everlong, I am ignoring you because you want a scrap and I am suspicious about why that is so

just so we are clear

then stop hounding me, everlong

I am making general statemnts about how DV is unacceptable and there are no excuses for it

the fact that you think there is, is not my fault

quint - that's heartbreaking. But I think generally we do have to be careful about putting all the responsibility on the victim. An MNer who is a magistrate posted about a DV training course they went on. They were told to stop asking 'why doesn't she leave' and start asking 'why doesn't HE stop?'.

Obviously if someone's in danger, then getting them out of that place of danger is a priority. But it's important to put the responsibility for the crime in the right place - with the criminal, not the victim.

Or "Why is HE not STOPPED"

It should be a social responsibility.

well, you know "he" (or whoever) will never be stopped if society continues to think that being "stressed" and "not himself" is an excuse for intimidation and violence

of course it's "himself" unless an alien took over his hands and placed them around your throat

"And for the last time I have never said dv is acceptable not once."

You've said in every post on this thread.

Despite your protestations.

Indeed, Quintessential.

But that is also why the OP (we) must tell people around if it happens.
We have nothing to be embarrassed.
The abuser should be ashamed. And shamed.

OP, all of us lose it at some point. But most normal people shout or storm off. We don't grab other people by the throat.
He didn't slap you or shove you. It was by the throat and used the word murder! It was not a small incident.

If your OH is having a breakdown, then he should check himself in somewhere and not return home. Because he could lose it again.
Probably not that soon, because you will be walking on eggshells now. You don't want to risk it him losing it again.

If you take him back again, make sure you ensure your safety and be prepared to leave at any time. To friends or family, even a hotel.
Preparing for a worst case scenario get a cheap PAYG phone and hide it.

Its obviously important to recognise dv when its happening but that doesn't mean we should assume that every incident is dv.

If the op says this is completely out of character for him then we should listen. By all shouting dv we are missing giving her other advice.

Its would be easy for me considering my history to jump on the 'he's an abuser' band wagon as well, but i think its really important to remember to stay open minded and level headed and not let my emotion generated by my own experiences get in the way. Because otherwise it would be about me and not the op.

OP, sorry to read your horrible situation, and sorry that this thread hasn't been as supportive and behind you as it should be. You posted for advice and support, not critique.
Well done for the police call, and for looking after yourself, and your partner did the right thing by moving out to a friends. It's good for you both to have the space.
If there were no mental health issues, I'd agree with the "leave him" refrain - one strike and he's out. BUT if your partner IS depressed, he needs medical support. I looked after someone with depression alone - it was dangerous for both of us. Many many close calls. Depression makes you do uncharacteristic and unpredictable things, and, given what's already happened, it could end very badly. The violence may not be HIM, but the depression. That doesn't mean it's forgivable and all back to normal though... he needs diagnosis, treatment and qualified carers. A relationship at this point is so confusing because you don't know what is him, what's the depression, and what's the drugs. It's VERY difficult to forgive and move on from incidences caused by mental health, and you have already had one close call. From the pain of my personal experience, (advise I didn't heed at the time) I wouldn't risk being around him again till he's well.
The extenuating circumstance is, I believe, that once he is "signed off" with the docs, having received the care/treatment/drugs/counselling he needs, I would see if you might both want to start again with the relationship. But now is not that time. For now, I'd say he should continue to stay with his friend, and get diagnosis asap, and you, continue to be mum to your DC, change the locks to keep them and you safe (and tell your neighbours to keep an eye out in case he tries to come home), update the police on the situation, and support DP (phone/email) while he gets treatment.

"And for the last time I have never said dv is acceptable not once."

you've said it on every post on this thread

Oh come off it! Like hell has she!

my exdp didnt hit me for 3 years.

the first time he did was a punch to the face, that knocked me out and bruised my face.
he did it for 6 more years.

if the op wants to stay put and think about things, that's her right.

but it might be useful to her to hear stories similar to her situation to help her make up her mind up.

i think personally that telling someone that violence is not acceptable and they should leave, even after they have made the decision to stay is supporting her.

I had a fight with my dh and i held him up to the wall by his neck and i wanted to punch him in the face. I didnt hit him i call his mum to come get him and then the next day i got legal advice and filed for devoice. Because i wanted to protect dh from me.

I had pnd but i didnt relise i didnt know what was going on. I went to gp and got meds and had counciling and went to relate. Mydh forgive me cos i ws ill but i will never forgive myself.

It happened once but it was still dv. Will it happen again i pray that it will not. Noone desevers to live in fare of being hit in their own home ever.

Poopoo, do you think the people on this thread calling this scenario "domestic violence" are projecting their own experience (as you are trying to convince you are not)

think again

'By all shouting dv ' - ok please tell me then how a man holding his partner around the throat and shoving them against the wall NOT domestic violence?