Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 4

[CailinDana]

The first three parts of this thread:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

xpost sorry, the dinosaur phone hates busy saturday nights, I may be some time, if you don't hear from me soon will you send the mules out..........

Big hugs Dotty, you'll get there but it is better to let it out, sounds like you're letting it all build up inside waits for Dotty to let loose with the swearing

Well you're sounding much better Dotty. I know when you're going through things it's difficult to see the forest for the trees but everystep forwards you take is another step towards not letting things affect you for the rest of your life. So what if you've no motivation, you might need to chill to just deal with things, keep trying and things'll start turning around.

I think accepting things little by little helps I know I havn't cried as much as I have in the last 10 days in a good while only actually started crying as such in the last 7 months only emotion before that was anger. Sadly I didn't recognise it and made my families life a misery what a cowbag I was now at least I recognise it and walk away only problem is when I get it when driving not 100% safe then but only to myself not others couldn't hurt anyone else.
The acceptence of the PTSD has been a weight lifting but don't know if I would of accepted it if it was officially DX early on either my counseller gave me handouts for anxiety, stress and trauma among other things.

Big hugs, how do you feel about not being 100% safe driving?

I couldn't even get behind a wheel now, the ptsd and dissociation scare me too much. I have times I can't remember fully and I'd be so scared to be triggered in the car :(

It's very rare it kicks off now think last time was about 6 weeks ago back of a lorry looked very inviting came to my senses and pulled in at services for a rest. Don't know if that's dissasociation though or just wanting it over I'd just driven through my home county that time used to go there all the time now feel agitated just driving through it and yet want to be down there with my sisters bizarre and stupid screwed up mind of mine.

Dotty, are you in denial or are you asking for help?

I can't help you if you're in denial.

I can help you if you're asking for help.

I've seen the face of suicide from both sides, it's not pretty. It can be beaten.

If I give you my hand will you hold on?

No not in denial I always come to my senses, now that he's been charged I've not felt like it at all was like a whole weight was lifted off my shoulders don't know why I get weirdness feeling when going through Lancashire all this has only been like this is the last 7 months.

Was never like this before I used to jump in the car when I felt bad and just drive wouldn't know where I was going or how I ended up there missed time was told that was dissasociation along with forgetting half my childhood but now I just retreat to my room and lie on the bed away from anyone yesterday I felt a little down but I waited until I'd calmed down before I went out only went a couple of miles pulled into a layby and took in the beauty of this area its such a lovely part of the country.

Think the last couple of weeks have been tough because of having to drag what the whole sorry mess has done to me its not easy teLling someone in RL what intimate problems its caused no matter how sensitive and nice they are and knowing that his defence lawyer going to see it as well as the court but at least they'll know what damage that bastard has done in the long run.

Damage which with the right help I'll recover from I do accept I need more help now sorry for rambling and talking stupid. I'll apologise to my DS when he gets up it was over the stupidest thing was making dinner asked him to get something and he started arguing that I had it already which I didn't a few months ago he would of turned on me for it. Sometimes I need handholding but I'm to stubborn to actually say it.

Hi, how is everyone today?

How are you doing dotty? I don't think you're rambling or talking stupid, what you're saying makes sense. You have been under an incredible amount of pressure and it is perfectly natural that you're going to feel down and be snappy at times. Even with ordinary pressures we all get like that from time to time, I'm sure your DS understands.

Hugs Dotty, you're entitled to feel down in the dumps sometimes. Perhaps it would be better if you just accepted that these moments are going to happen with everything you're going through. Maybe then you could anticipate them better?

You're doing so well. I can't imagine the stress you're under.

Thinking of you xx

Tis a lovely part of the country and a beautiful place to just step outside and go for a walk.

There's a wildlife top trumps thread on mn where you can keep up with seasonal wildlife. I prefer walking, I'm not putting my life in my hands then :o

We've got a cloudless sunny sky today :o :o :o

Don't be afraid to ask for help when it gets too much Dotty, a friend of mine was helping a survivor but the girl didn't make it and my friend can't forgive herself :( so please, anyone suffering, keep asking.

Avalon I have accepted it now took me long enough a couple of days of enforced rest when I hurt myself and then wasn't well gave me loads of thinking time. Was lulled into a false sense of security cause I felt so good for so long.

Spent the day painting the fence and shed today was a glorious day but it's knackered me really should of stopped sooner [normally listen to my body] but I had to finish the job.

Coffee I will ask I think its the way I was brought up never asking for help takes alot to change the way of thinking but I'm getting there slowly but surely.

Cailin yes he was ok he's a cheeky bugger 17 but like a 9/10 year old he even admitted if it was a few months ago he would of hit me so thats progress.

Morning all, hope everyone's day is going ok so far. I've been up since 5 with DS yawwwwwn. We're off to toddler group now but I'll be around again later.

I am so fuckedly fucked off ffs.

Therapy session today.

How the hell does society do nothing about kids being sexually abused. I know things do happen to help kids and adult survivors it just feels like the powers that be don't actually get it.

My life was destroyed, whoever I was supposed to be has gone/died and now I am a survivor living with the after effects of this. It's tainted my entire fucking life.

I was an object for a bastard, well fuck off.

I'm not an object, no child is

Hi Coffee. Is it good or bad anger you're going through at the moment do you think? It sounds like good anger to me, the kind that helps you to remember that you didn't deserve what happened.

Pysch said it is good anger, that I'm starting to feel like I'm worth something, that I'm fighting.

That bastard has taken my life though, does that make sense. His choice, his actions have taken my fucking life. Who I am is now defined by that.

I can't do nothing now, I can't bury my head in the sand, as long as I know there are other survivors and victims who haven't made it I have to fight for change and help other survivors. That's my life now and my future, does that make sense?

Coffee makes perfect sense sadly you and I know it will never stop. I had an horrific session a few months ago much the same cried buckets wasn't angry was on about how it wasn't meant to be like this that I was mean't to have a good life. My counceller, DC's and dr said he has destroyed my life I had said to them I destroyed myself by starting this but was corrected but I started the ball rolling NO I was told he did that the first time he touched me.

Told DC last week that I regretted it because my life was ok before wasn't brilliant but I wasn't someone who cried ever now its so easy but I was an extremely angry nasty person and majority of the time I'm so mellow now totally different if only I could turn the emotions off more. xx

By the way thanks for being here over the weekend guys not often that bad. xx

It makes sense Coffee. What's your plan?

I wasn't alright, I've crashed through life on freefall.

Plan?

Working with womens aid/rape crisis if I can
Working with people with MH problems
Campaigning

I KNOW the pain survivors are in, all I can do is try to ease it for some.

It's all so fucking pointless. We were just kids ffs, we should have been playing with toys and exploring the world. Instead we were fucking objects, literally :(

Who the hell can fuck a kid and who the hell does nothing.

:)

You're totally right Coffee. Totally. It is just incomprehensible.

That's it Coffee though I was in so much fucking denial over it all hid my depression kept busy so no-one would notice. It is fucked up funny I was saying the same sort of thing to myself the other week when I wasn't much more than a baby I was 'sexually active' through no choice of my own where where my parents meant to protect your kids they almost caught him let me share a bed with him for christ sake. Did they know and let him do it? guess I'll never know I dont think I'll ever come through this completely now hate myself at times because of what that thing did to me.

Used to think I must of done something really awful in a past life to deserve my life.

I seem to be in a very similar place Coffee, but more from a 'why the hell does society let it happen and do nothing'
Sometimes it would just be nice to talk to someone about what I went through and have them react appropriately. As in, shocked and digusted and as if they actually believe me.
I've planned to work with survivors with a while now but think i'll wait till my children are a little older and my family have buggered off to annoy someone else. There doesn't seem any point starting something when they will tell everyone i'm a liar.

I know where you are right now, but its not pointless. We went through this for a reason and we just have the find what that reason is and make the best of it.
It sounds like good anger to me too :)

Dotty you will come through it, its just a very rough ride for a while. I never thought I would be who I am now or be happy with myself. I still have bad days but its nothing compared to how I was a few years ago.

Amitola there is no good reason for any of us going through this the only reason is they are evil bastards who caused us a lifetime of mental pain. x

Thanks Cailin, for the thread.

Dotty, I'm not religous, don't believe in past lives but I think, according to the Christian god, you've got a free pass to angelic heaven. God can't stop bad things happening but can make amends when you get to the pearly gates, but purgatory doesn't count.

You alright Cailin?

xpost Ami, interesting question and the only answer I have at the moment is because society likes to have sex with children, a seriously unhealthy thought is that.

How's it going anyway Ami?