Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 4

[CailinDana]

The first three parts of this thread:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Hi TheLaminator - you sound like you have had a terrible time. You have handled it with amazing aplomb. I'm glad you have finally found someone to work with. I'm new btw, hi

Don'tKnow - again a second of Cailin & Coffee's posts. What route would you prefer to go?

Coffee- that sounds like bliss! Wild cherry blossom makes me so happy.

On that hugely unhelpful note I shall bid you lovely lot a goodnight. I have a husband to hustle out the door for a night shift and archery to go to. And no socks in the whole house apparently I wonder if they will magically be in the sock drawer??

Thanks Coffee, course I'm not going to ignore you
I'm a bit nervous to go back to the gp tbh. She has previously given me sleeping pills which were an absolute nightmare, totally knocked me out. God only knows what would have happened if dd had woken through the night. It was awful, trapped in the nightmares and couldn't wake up. She has also insinuated that I have an eating disorder, only because when I panic I'm sick, not through choice. If you saw me you would actually laugh at that!

Thanks Coffee, course I'm not going to ignore you
I'm a bit nervous to go back to the gp tbh. She has previously given me sleeping pills which were an absolute nightmare, totally knocked me out. God only knows what would have happened if dd had woken through the night. It was awful, trapped in the nightmares and couldn't wake up. She has also insinuated that I have an eating disorder, only because when I panic I'm sick, not through choice. If you saw me you would actually laugh at that!

I've had sleeping tablets before and I found them absolutely awful. I took them for few nights because I absolutely had to, as I was being assessed at work and literally could not sleep at all, but after that I just stopped them and I started sleeping all hours anyway so I didn't need them any more!

What are your nightmares about Dontknow?

They are just so real. Every single detail is accurate, it's like it's happening again.

They are just so real. Every single detail is accurate, it's like it's happening again.

:o plans to make a profit at work to pay for falconry and archery lessons, have done archery before but felt weirdly selfconcious and uncomfortably stupid crashes back to earth I hate group stuff as I feel like everyone will hate me so try to do stuff on my own so I don't offend anyone pings rubber band

That I think is my biggest struggle, I'm so paranoid I'm going to offend someone just by breathing that I'll get attacked. I can't even go and ask for help. All thanks to that shitty bastard.

Don'tknow, I hate that, thats what makes this all so difficult. If someone moves like he did I think I'm going to get attacked, if someone looks like him or sounds like him or smells like him, I think I'm going to be attacked. I can't be around people because it affects me so much. I want someone to stop it because I don't know how.

Coffee, that is exactly what it's like. It really is awful, even in my own home with the doors locked, the feeling of being safe is never there.

Coffee, that is exactly what it's like. It really is awful, even in my own home with the doors locked, the feeling of being safe is never there.

That's terrible Dontknow, it must be so frightening.

Yep, I've got that one too. I was talking to my psych about home security. She asked if I had numerous locks on the doors and windows. I said no I often don't lock the doors or windows burglars heaven As a kid having a locked door meant not being able to get away. I never had a safe home and feel like being at home is being locked in hell. I hated the kitchen for so long because just seeing a sink was terrifying

Thanks for the support i've had recently. Went to court today over the non-molestation order with my ex and access. It was awful.
We'll be going back to court and they will be dragging everything up from the last 4 years at least. Questioning my mental health etc and no doubt i'll lose the children at the end of it. I'd rather do it now than have him threaten me with for forever though. At least if social services and the court make their minds up soon, the worry isn't hanging over me anymore.
I know what i'm going through with all of this isn't really related to the abuse, well it is but not directly, but i'm hoping I can still stay on here. It turns out I don't have much support at all in real life. Had two texts this morning wishing me luck but thats it.
I raised concerns about the possibility of him being a risk to them abuse wise, which is why they are going to do thorough checks. I did have the option of just agreeing access out of court but I could never forgive myself if he did abuse them. At least this way its down to social services to make that decision.
Feeling very alone and very worried right now. I have to prove to everyone that I am ok, which I know i am, but i've had people controlling me all my life and I don't feel strong enough to do this on my own. The fact I have had panic attacks recently is going to be brought into it and being suicidal in the past. It just doesn't seem fair that because I asked for help, so that my children didn't suffer, they then think i'm a bad mother.
The lady from womens aid used to be a DC and I spoke to her about the abuse and the police dropping it. She confirmed my statements should never have been burnt and was surprised at how it was all dealt with. One day I will take it up again, I can't just let it go and accept them dropping it without any explanation. One thing at a time though I guess. I can say with absolute certainty that my children and I are better off away from my ex's family. Not one of them has bothered to make contact with the children or even asked if they will see them again. I just wish I could provide some decent family for them. I don't feel enough on my own.

Hugs to everyone else struggling.

Coffee I don't lock the doors either, I never knew why but it might be the same thing. I used to panic if my ex locked the doors and I didn't know where the key was. I'm ok if they are locked and there is a key in each door, but half the time I just leave them unlocked anyway.

Dontknow sorry its so tough atm. TheLaminator he was charged on the 26th of last month 19 offences he had first court appearance yesterday. Had another statement to do monday knocked me back quite a bit as it was so very personel. Hope you get somewhere with yours fwiw I'm not brave over this I am only managing because of meds no other reason 6 months ago I very nearly had a breakdown from what i've been told I am doing well but sometimes wonder very much still a rollercoaster ride.

I have strange nightmares about death and other things latest one was a train stopping at the edge of a cliff and having to climb up it one before it involved a steep staircase with no bannisters and young children counseller said they where connected to the abuse.

When I first reported this I couldnt be in the house for long felt the walls where closing in on me never felt like that before and laughed inwardly when people talked like it but it was terrifying the feeling of having to escape your own home. With doors I'm the opposite feel I have to have them locked or shut at least never used to even close the bathroom door now it must be locked also need bedroom door closed and no light shining under or I can't sleep.

Hi Laminator - I've had emdr in the past. It works well, but is a little weird!

Been thinking about this thought since my last counselling session. So, here goes.

Does anyone else get really, well, annoyed when/if you mention being abused, and it's as if you haven't spoken, or as if you said 'a pink farting pig has just floated past the window'?

I've had quite a bit of contact with my cousin recently - he said to dm's executor that he wanted me to have a cigarette case of df's that she'd left him. Mentioning that dm was a paedophile - he knew already, he made absolutely no response. ????? When I first said that I'd been abused, his only comment was that he didn't know I'd been to Arizona!

Has anyone else on her experienced this? I've had the range of drawing skirts aside, and saying that it's not a 'naice' thing to talk about - and therefore by extension that I'm not a nice person - but this complete non-reaction?

The striking thing about it is the implied invisability of abuse victims.

What does everyone else feel/think about it?

tb unfortunately it's still such a taboo subject alot of people would rather bury thier heads in the sand than admit or acknowledge sexual abuse/rape/molestation of children. Shouldn't be like this anymore unfortunately the longer it carries on the more children will remain at risk of it continueing and not getting believed when they disclose to a trusted adult.

Yes, tb, I've experienced that non-reaction before. It's bizarre. I was having an argument once with a "friend" (I don't really consider him a friend anymore) about Roman Polanski, the film director accused of raping a 13 year old girl. He was going on and on about how unfair it was and how such a "great man" shouldn't be pulled down by something so insignificant. When I tried to explain how horrendous his views were he said "What do you know about it?" I said I had been abused myself by a much older man. It was as if I had said nothing at all. He just completely ignored it, and went on about how ridiculous the charges were etc etc. I was gobsmacked, literally. I just couldn't carry on talking to him and I could not longer really consider him a friend after that.

My own mother acted like it was nothing - she just said I should get over it and move on.

I have had some really freaky nightmares, ones I find very hard to describe. I used to have a lot of them when I was 9 or 10, particularly one recurring one that centred around my parents not being willing to protect me. I was about to say "not being able to protect me" but in fact the dreams actually centred around them discussing and deciding not to protect me. That says a shitload really, doesn't it, that even at that age I was subconsciously aware of the fact that my parents should have done something to help me but didn't.

I`m a doors and widows unlocked kinda gal & get out of the house as much as possible.
My inlaws house is old and dark with tiny unopenable windows, all doors are locked, twice usually, keys hidden & double bolted. I really hate staying there, not only coz its a massive ball ache to pop out for a smoke, but its just so closed in, I cant relax.
I cant clean/sometimes even look at my bathroom sink :( Husband cleans the kids teeth.
I have a dream of my mum driving her car with me & the kids into a swimming pool.

Hi tb, yes I`ve had the tumble weed moment too. Awful when you feel ok enough to tell someone close and they react that way. My mum said she didnt want to talk about it. made me feel pretty invisable.

dotty, wow so things moving along. I`ll try & read back to catch up. Must be nuts for you?! Well done x

HI nicnok, In a way its sad the group is growing, but im glad youve found it :)

Don't mention Roman "Peado"loski

Have just had a rl meltdown crying all over the place like some mad demented drama queen because I opened some kind of floodgate then a pigeon nearly flew into the window [Hmm] prays to the spirit of the pigeon god

Now has another tantrum as my pm's, which are beautiful works of literacy naff keep disappearing to the spirit of the internet gremlin.

Just checking in.

still thinking of you all especially those having tough minutes,hours and days.

Had therapy today so quite thoughtful and self absorbed in my own crap,takes a few days for me to process that hour of vocalisation.

Remain strong folks x

Was the being abusive comments a few days ago aimed at me? I guess most people would just cut their loses and piss off but i'd rather know if it was.