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Original poster

Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 4

999 replies

CailinDana · 09/05/2012 12:22

The first three parts of this thread:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

OP posts:
NicNocJnr · 14/05/2012 02:57

Nightmares or this general feeling or dread or terror aren't necessarily related to something you've been worrying about that day or week.
Often if you have suffered trauma, even if you've locked it away day to day, things surface when you're sleeping. It's often a feature of things like depression, ptsd etc - sleep is not necessarily a safe place.
If things have been stirring recently or you have started therapy etc you may find they increase temporarily. It may be something generally unnoticed that has triggered it too - tv, radio, news story. So it's not always easy to pin down.

What I have found helps is: consciously reminding myself I'm ok, hugging something (for me it's the dogs normally). If I was too shaky or scared to be able to do that I did actually just pull the covers up and hide for a minute until I was fully awake and then started trying to calm down. Trying to recall what happened or thinking about the whys made it more likely to recur when I went back to sleep.
Instead I would, and sometimes still do, go for a walk or sit in the garden, read or listen to music and distract myself. Then tackle it in the day time.
I have a playlist on my ipod that I put on repeat and go to sleep listening to it - I make sure there are only 'safe' songs or podcasts so it doesn't matter if I do fall asleep it will keep on playing only the things that I find cheer me up or make me laugh.
I try to do things that I know make me feel good - reading lighthearted stuff, good songs, games on my phone, even some of the comedy sites on the net. Then see if I can sleep again. Don't force yourself to sleep or not sleep just take the pressure off. Sweet, milky drinks or a comforting snack (I always go for buttery crumpets/toast & honey with decaff).
Are you actually ok with the dark? - not being patronising at all but I was in my 20s before I felt safe in the pitch black again.

God that's long. Um that's everything I can think of that I do, better people than I will have good strategy and long term solutions to help stop this.

NicNocJnr · 14/05/2012 02:59

Sorry missed your last post.

Thank the lord for Coffee

CoffeeAhorlickAnonymouse · 14/05/2012 03:08

Very well put Nic, I second that.

Yes you can have flashbacks without content, strong negative feelings/reactions which are out of the ordinary are flashbacks.

I have had to move my bed against the wall, added lots of texturally lovely pillows and bought a teddy bear to cuddle. I put classical music on the cd, no words so there's no triggers, and imagine my "safe" place, a lovely beach island/log cabin etc and having a lovely meal, friends round etc.

I think everyone's watched porn quite normal.

TomblibooTrousers · 14/05/2012 03:15

That's really helpful Nic and Coffee. Thank you.

All the stuff that is coming out on here is stuff I've held onto for a very long time and I'm confused about what's normal and what isn't.

I'm going to try to get back to sleep. Didn't get off until 4 yesterday morning and have to work today.
Thank you so much for being there and sorry I don't have much to offer you all at the moment. One day I hope I am able to return your kindness and understanding x

CoffeeAhorlickAnonymouse · 14/05/2012 03:17

Nic, hugs.

Tomb, it's taken me a long time 20years to be comfortable sleeping in my bed. I was a sofa sleeper for years and used to put lord of the rings on to play whilst I slept.

Sad hugs for the hitting.

CoffeeAhorlickAnonymouse · 14/05/2012 03:23

xpost hope you get some sleep and you Nic, I'm off too the stars have gone Night.

Nic you gave really good advice.

Tombli, thankyou, you've probably already earnt it though. itms

NicNocJnr · 14/05/2012 03:33

You don't need to offer anything. Support is not bargained for, being allowed to support is a privilidge, because on any other day it is me, or Coffee or any of us really.

Night to you, don't feel alone with it Tombliboo.

Coffee - It never feels like it! But I hope you sleep well.

I'm going to have a crumpet, a builders mug of decaff and then snuggle down before it all starts again tomorrow!

dottyspotty2 · 14/05/2012 08:13

Morning all was up at 6 had to blitz the place all I did yesterday was shopping and ironing and that wasn't until 10.30pm just had no get up and go was really down. Needed to make sure it was tidy though as DC's coming at 10.30 for this bloody statement.

Original poster
CailinDana · 14/05/2012 08:15

Morning dotty. How are you feeling about doing the statement?

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 14/05/2012 08:18

Nervous it just feels so personal but it can't be as bad as the actual reporting statement.

Original poster
CailinDana · 14/05/2012 08:25

We'll be here to chat later if you need us. I hope it goes well x

OP posts:
TheMistsOfAvalon · 14/05/2012 11:20

Hello everybody, I've got loads of post to catch up on!

I hope everything goes well later Dotty xx

By the way I seriously need you to come down to my house and help me blitz the place. You sound like you've got the daily chores down to a military precision! My house is in disarray and the oven is scary it actually grumbles now.

TheMistsOfAvalon · 14/05/2012 11:22

I used to have to keep the radio on all night in order to help the negative thoughts in my brain switch off. It meant I ended up listening to a load of very right wing political nonsense on LBC a lot of the time.

CoffeeAhorlickAnonymouse · 14/05/2012 12:31

Good luck today Dotty, remember to keep grounded.

Amitolamummy · 14/05/2012 15:09

Hope it went well Dotty.

I had a bloody flashback earlier today, completely out of the blue. I was at a course and they were talking about the poor woman in the news who had her eye balls gouged out by her abusive partner. How awful!! Then they spoke about how he was the last thing she will ever see and I had a vision of my father staring down at me. It won't go and i've been a wreck ever since.
Really can't afford to be like this, i'm in court over things with my ex on wednesday and need to calm and emotionless.
Sorry for offloading on here but I just needed to tell someone.
I can't believe its hit me now of all times. I really need to be ok :(

My baby just bit my toe haha, that kind of cheered me up, except for the pain

NicNocJnr · 14/05/2012 15:53

Hope it went ok Dotty?
Hopefully the stress of the anticipation of it will disappate now.

Amitola- firstly lol at your bub, nommy toes obviously! Secondly are you seeing/speaking to anyone irl? Would it help to talk about anything?

Amitolamummy · 14/05/2012 16:28

Not anymore, counselling has finished. I think its just all the stress at the moment, usually I can cope with them fine but my brain can't cope with anymore at the moment

CoffeeAhorlickAnonymouse · 14/05/2012 16:45

So sorry you've had a shock just before your court case.

Lovely wee one though :o

Amitolamummy · 14/05/2012 17:14

Thank you. I'm sorry I need another self centered childish rant.
I've just read someones post on facebook about how sad they are because their family don't live very close so they don't see each other very often.
Then someone else moaned about not having a close bond with their father but having a loving kind mother.
It makes me so angry. Try having family that want to destroy you and nobody on your side at all.
I've been through this with my family many times before but this time hurts more than I thought it would. I just wish they would stop twisting the knife. I know they want me to kill myself so their secrets don't come out. I'm trying to fight this but I really can't take anymore and nobody will help me.
I'm seeing a police officer tomorrow but I bet they will just find some reason to report me to social services and do nothing to help me. I'm feeling really ill, freezing cold and i've completely had enough.
I know this is very selfish so please ignore it. It's never going to get any better so I guess I just need to stop moaning or end it once and for all.

CoffeeAhorlickAnonymouse · 14/05/2012 18:15

Don't even think that ok!

You are not selfish or childish. You are allowed to express yourself.

What you are feeling is the depression. You can fight it. Are you still breastfeeding? would it be worth stopping to get some anti depressants just to get you through?

I second Nic saying you need to get rid of your family, I know it's hard because I'm there but why do you care?

The police may call social services to help you. You need to get help, SS, women's aid etc.

And keep on ranting, ok?

Original poster
CailinDana · 14/05/2012 18:18

You have every right to feel the way you do Amitola. You have other options besides ending it or putting up with the situation, but I know it doesn't feel that way right now.

Please talk here if it helps, just say what you're thinking.

OP posts:
pillowcase · 14/05/2012 18:25

hi all,
been reading but not knowing what to post. Reading your stories make me feel like i didn't even have it so bad, yet it was bad enough to fuck up my life.
tombli, just awful the hitting in the stomach, i've done that.

pillowcase · 14/05/2012 18:27

amitola, sounds liike you're dealing with so much. Family can be so messed up, strange how society tries to pass off family life as blissful wonderfulness and we don't know what happens behind closed doors

dottyspotty2 · 14/05/2012 18:27

Thanks ladies was rather emotional to say the least questions where quite broad based but she tayloyed them to fit and so they becasme quite personel had touched on some of those problems with her in January but not as deep as this. She's asked me to consider counselling for it told her it was really embarrassing as well as specialised counselling for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse she has never once called me a victim. She's looking into it for me as she said I don't need to do this alone.

NicNocJnr · 14/05/2012 18:34

Amitola - You seriously, seriously, seriously are just going through so much shit atm, it's not the time to be thinking of finalities. You are loved and needed and you know you deserve more than your family you've just lost sight of that.
THEY are the problem - not you. You know their motivation, you are not at fault.
I know I say get rid, it does come across as flippant but I know how hard it can be to walk away and finally knock down the bridges. You deserve peace if nothing else - not this constant hassle they throw at you to try and stop you having control over your own life. They are toxic, whatever their own issues.

Please keep talking, remember the hope you said you had? That everything will turn out ok? That's really important. Because that's the truth.

Dotty- glad she's offered to take over some logistical things and go through things with you. Hope you're feeling better.