Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 4

[CailinDana]

The first three parts of this thread:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

How's your day going Coffee?

What do you mean by "the other side" Stuck?

I'm not sure. Not having my life dictated by the fall out from what happened? Self-worth? Who knows!

Through dealing with the abuse I find I'm changing and I'm not entirely happy about it. I feel I'm becoming more "me" and I'm finding it hard, and I don't know whether that's because I've kept "me" down for so long or because I genuinely don't like "me" and the other more uptight person I used to be is better.

That possible doesn't make an ounce of sense.

Cailin,I complete get what you are saying.

I'm dealing with the same feelings,I've got all this clarity which has brought with it reality since getting sober and it's fucking tough to deal with 'me' and everything else.I've often thought I was a much more comfortable 'me' pissed and in complete denial (I know that's not true!).

Stuck, you are not damaged goods, getting to the other side, I think, is being confident in you and not allowing the destructive pattern to continue.

Cailin, Moomenny, I completely understand where you're coming from. However, I'm proud of the person I was before, who was surviving and trying to make sense of things and the courage she has given me to come so far. I hope to make her proud of the person I'm yet to be. If that makes sense???

I seem to have two modes - completely controlled and uptight, or out of control and mental. I can feel myself drifting towards the out of control side and I don't know where to find a happy medium. Blagh.

You have a great way of looking at it Coffee.

I do give in to the out of control side, storm chasing, getting in dangerous positions to take photo's, jay walking. It's almost like I want an accident to end it so I don't end up in purgatory I bloody hate religion but it's also exhilarating, like when I was in skye during hurricane bawbag, me and mate just stood out in the wind with our arms out, almost being blown away and I felt so alive. We did get called nutters though :o

What do you mean by out of control?

Sorry I think it was my fault for talking about my friend it has taken her 3 years of hard therapy to get to this point in her life with lots of support as well.

Are you talking about Madmouse? she's such an amazing inspirational person, like Cailin, isn't she, x

Yes we met on a fb group for SN kids though and often talk met her last month but we are real good friends now without her don't know where I'd be she keeps me so grounded have lots of friends on there we understand each other.

Aw it's so lovely you've got lots of support to help you through such a tough time, with all the help you're getting you'll be so strong through you're court case and beyond, it must be so empowering for you to find strength in so many people, I'm actually crying here for how supported you are in being able to beat that scumbag bastard, you are such an inspiration to so many people out there struggling to find their their way, you must be so proud of yourself

I think deep down I'm quite a people person and I can be the "life and soul" so to speak, but with it I get very promiscuous. Embarrassingly so. That's not been an issue for a while but it has put good relationships in danger.

How do you feel about that?

Cailin I have a mask although I don't really use it much anymore I think the real me is coming through i'm not the loud person I was sometimes it comes out but not often hopefully the real me is emerging now.

Coffee no I'm definately not proud of any of this I still have so many failings. The friends I have on the fb group have made me realise that i'm not a bad person always thought I was, otherwise why would everything that happened throughout my life of happened other than punishment.

Good question Coffee. I don't know really. I see my DS and I wonder if I was like him - he is very very friendly and sociable. I wonder if I started out like that. By the time I was a teenager I became very closed off because I think I felt I had to curtail my friendly nature to prevent people from taking advantage of me. That's a horrible way to be. I would like to make the most of my friendly nature without going too far.

In spite of everything that's happened in my life, I love people. I love being around people, I love getting to know them, I love talking to them about their lives and fears etc. But I end up sometimes with overly intense friendships, sometimes unhealthily so, and in the past it was very easy for friendship with men to cross over into sex, which of course isn't good for the friendship.

Cailin I don't remember being anything but shy/closed off don't know if that's why I became a loud annoying bitch as I got older but it protected me was always jumpy as a kid they used to say about me that I wouldn't say boo to a ghost sadly i'm back to that again.

Why/how do you think you go too far?

I get too involved with people, to the extent where they can get very possessive of me and they demand too much of me. I'm trying to avoid that now with new friendships. I have some really fantastic friends whom I love dearly but I think I need to learn to give myself some more time and care.

It's okay to have intense relationships but do you think you get to a point where you pass normal responses and the effects of the abuse cause you to go further than you wish you?

Working on healthy boundries could help when you figure where your boundries are non existent or broken. You might have to do some soul searching and learning.

I struggle with boundries and being over emotional but am learning how to be open without bleeding myself dry, iyswim?

Yeah I think that's it Coffee. I have fuzzy boundaries. I'm trying to find the right level of involvement for me, where I can connect with people without giving too much of myself (sexwise and otherwise).

Sorry xpost, have you made a new friend recently who is putting pressure on you?

How do you think you can differentiate between your friends and new people you may get overwhelmed by?

Learning about different personalities and how to keep them at a healthy arms length can work?

I know I'm not a friend but I would be ok if you felt the need to say that you were feeling stressed by me, some people get self absorbed and can't see the effect they have?

xpost again, :o

:)

It's totally different online because I can dip in and out and only give what I'm able to give. I do have one new friend here who is a lovely person but who demands quite a lot of my time. I feel pressured into making time for her even though I don't always enjoy her company (for complicated reasons). I don't seem to be able to just be acquaintances with people, it always gets more intense, which is great in some instances but sometimes it can be really draining.

Mmmm, can you speak to this person about it?

You have a right to be listened to and respected.

I am useless with people so probably not the best to give advice

For the time being I'm just not rising to the bait. Normally I hate disappointing people and I bend over backwards for them but now I'm just taking the attitude that I'll do what I can do and no more. Like recently she rang me to ask if I was going to a toddler group we both normally attend. I said no because I had a friend staying and she got really stroppy with me. In the past I would have got all flustered and tried to make it better but that time I just let her have her little rant, I didn't say sorry, and just said goodbye. I tend to be the "reliable" one which is a trait I value but it often happens that when you're reliable people won't let you have any leeway - you're expected to be there all the time no matter what. I'm not doing that any more - I have my own life and I'm allowed to say no sometimes.