Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 4

[CailinDana]

The first three parts of this thread:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Moomenny, sorry to hear that. Of course part of dealing with it is just blocking it out and i do feel my brain is controlling my desire to talk about it, tell people and make him suffer, but my emotions aren't really connected ... yet.
Do you feel like it helped you to deal with it then or is it still just there as before?

dotty, no age is good to be abused, but to such a young child is just sickening. I think mine went on for about 4 years and stopped on the day he realised I had my period, so he was well aware what he was doing and didn't want me getting pregnant. fucker

Yes it's called dissocation or 'spacing out' its really common in trauma sufferers especially survivors of abuse.

Difficult one for me to answer with a straight answer.on one hand yes it helped me immensely to vocalise it to people who accepted abuse is wrong (CID,social services,court system) when I had been hushed up for years and made to feel like it was all my fault(I led him on at 4!?) plus his biological child was protected from him by me taking my case to court,he also had to attend rehabilitation.

But...it didn't get rid of any of my pain,my loss of childhood or the subsequent years of self abuse,anxiety or depression and 'fuckedupness' but I just needed to do it for me.i took back control,it wasn't about him or the vile acts he committed or made me commit.it was about ME telling him he was wrong to do what he did and others supporting me in having that strength to bring that little girls voice out in the open and giving the bastard all barrels.

I did feel empowered by the process at the time.I don't regret it for one second.

I only started reading this last night, but feel fired up to actually do something now. So I've written an email to the rape crisis centre in dublin and just have to hit 'send' aaaghh. hope I don't regret opening this can of worms in the morning...

Hi everyone. I feel I need to post and run. at the moment. I hope that's okay.
I've held onto this dirty little secret for years, maybe more than 30. I don't know. I'm 36 now and I have no clear recollection of my life before 13, just a few images and a sense of always having been 'good' at sex. A vague feeling of shame. The most frustrating thing for me is that it has now almost become a secret I have to keep from myself.
I got myself into difficult situations as a teenager. I always knew what men wanted but without knowing where that knowledge came from. My stepdad was very controlling and never wanted me to grow up. He hated it when I wanted to start wearing earrings and makeup. Mum has told me that he constantly wanted sex from her and she would do anything she could to avoid it. He told me I should earn a living in my back. I don't know where to begin piecing this all together.
What if I've made all this up in my twisted head? I'm already the black sheep.
Sorry this is all a bit of a random stream of consciousness. I can't make these words come out of my mouth but typing them feels easier. I guess I'm even more detached from it as Tombliboo.

That's why mine stopped pillow I pushed him away was on my period and he touched me didn't know why sick bastard he was I was off school recovering from a D&C as well. Was rape from the first memory of it happening as well never even realised until I was told on the way home from my interview how stupid was that 40 year old in fact 3 weeks off being 41 someone else telling you that it was rape.

Moomenny, I can understand that. but I like the bit about feeling empowered. Just listening to Mary coughlan www.oneinfour.ie/help-us/stories/mary-coughlan/ and she says she believes even more than 1 in 4, it is awful that I know NOBODY in real life who talks about this.

Oh, and I just sent my email

Even lack of acknowledging pain is all part of it and with me I've only just started taking care of myself after being told I'm a caring person to others but not myself so many people kept saying it including the DC she said it was my time now not so sure though.

Well done pillow unfortunately I know to many people in real life who've gone through it including DD's best friend she was 17 last month happened when she was 13 and my best friend and her sister.

Tombliboo, this anonymous thing on the internet is great for talking. this is thefirst time I've ever talked about it too. How awful to have the knowledge of sex when you shouldn't. I remember saying something about an erect penis standing up to my friends in primary and they all looked at me funny so I shut up pronto;

Well done you pillowcase!! Fantastic.you just do what feels right for you and in your own time

Massive hugs to you both dotty and Tombli,it's hard to quantify,to talk and to type isn't it? But it helps,it helps to connect the separateness of the abuse and you as a person,you now and you as a child.What a bunch of courageous women you all are,you really are!

Be kind to yourselves tonight everyone xx

Hi Tombliboo, don't worry about stream of conciousness. I unfortunately think you are not making it up, I've been through those feelings, hugs,

Moomenny, I'm glad you felt empowered by the process and believed by the professions.

thanks! feeling like I took a teeny tiny step tonight,now i'll have to go to bed. will check in again tomorrow.

Well done Pillow.

Has anyone read 'the courage to heal' that book spurred me on during very dark days.it can be triggery as it contains survivors stories but it goes over all the possible feeling that survivors can have.I didn't have Internet back in those days so there was none of this online support from forums or information on why I felt like I did.the book was given to Me by a librarian parent of one of my best friends in childhood,shes a kind soul.

I do recommend it wholeheartedly

I'm off to watch 'the bridge'

Will pop in tomorrow and see how you all are.love to all x

I have that book was recomended to me by a fellow survivor we've become good friends. Made me realise lots was normal. But also triggered some memories.

I've just read an article that I found really interesting. It's about the compulsion to reenact the abuse. Which I've been doing for years. Just in case anybody else has had a similar experience: www.cirp.org/library/psych/vanderkolk/

I don't know how to be strong enough, I feel like it's too much. The saying from a suicide survivor "no one cares about you but you" keeps me going but I need those who can do something to care. I have to trust they will care but I have no faith at present. Can I hold my head up high whilst being blamed. I see the truth now but know I have to take being blamed. Feel sick to my stomach knowing this and knowing I was just an object, not human.

You were only an object in the eyes of a very sick individual. To the rest of the world you were always the lovely Coffee.

shit fucketdy bollocksing cunt twats.

Stuck, thats really common for survivors to do, glad you are sounding more positive.

Who posted about being well trained sexually? Thats exactly how I feel, like some kind of sex trained slab of meat.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, wank badgers, cock sucking dickheads. Fuck fuck fuck. Somethings just keep getting more fucked up but I'm not surprised. Crap crap crap.

you ok mouse?
talk away.

well you are obviously not ok. I am liking the wank badgers though

Hmmm, age is a funny thing isn't it? My absue was 12 and 14, girls abused of those ages in the news are blamed in court.

Tell us what you're feeling. Rant and rave if you need to. We're listening.