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Original poster

How do I meet a man who doesn't just want sex?

473 replies

hatesponge · 07/05/2012 13:47

Just that really.

I have tried the whole online stuff. If we go on a date and there's an attraction between us, there is always the expectation it will end it sex. Sometimes it does. And I never see them again. Not the end of the world, itch scratched and all that but part of me thinks well we had a decent time, why not see me again? And on the dates where there's an attraction but nothing happens (well maybe a bit of kissing but no more) I never see them again either, because obviously sex was the motivating factor and, as they didn't get it, they've moved on to an easier conquest.

It's EXACTLY the same in RL too. I meet men through work, friends etc. And then nothing, whether stuff happens or it doesnt. Sex - or more specifically one off conquests - appears to be the sole motivation.

I'm sure there must be some men who are not like this. But I don't seem to be able to attract them, and for the life of me I can't figure out why. It can't all be down to luck surely?

OP posts:
Original poster
hatesponge · 07/05/2012 19:37

Mrssamcam, the fact they never saw me again after that night in my view makes it pretty clear that was all they wanted. Therefore whether I had slept with them or not was academic, because I'm as sure as I can be they had decided in their minds that it was one night only.

Obviously I am NOT a mind-reader so I cannot guarantee that's the case but I strongly believe it is.

Interested you think I come across as hard and negative. Not words which I've ever had describe me before.

OP posts:
watchoutforthatsnail · 07/05/2012 19:37

Mrsc. I expect her date today was very unsubtle About what his intentions were, as some men tend to be... Esp those online dating.
Sponge told him there would be no sex today, so he just dropped all contact, promoting this thread from sponge.

That's what I expect happened, because its happened to be lots too. And there are absolutely no boobs in any od my pics.

nkf · 07/05/2012 19:39

I don't think you come across as hard but you sound negative regarding internet dating - and no wonder. Maybe lose that bit and perhaps forget about stating what you don't want and concentrate on selling yourself. If you write you like men who are witty and wise, it won't stop dull stupid men from writing to you. Think of it as ad copy. It has to be accurate but glowing.

Mrssamcam · 07/05/2012 19:40

You have also said that "being demur and witty "hasn't worked"... which implies that you have failed to get any man interested by means of your stunning personality - soooooo your other option is to "date" - ie have sex because nothing else has worked.

God, I cannot believe that you haven't tumbled to this.

Mrssamcam · 07/05/2012 19:41

I told you- my work is "words".

You come over as very hard- see post of mine above- and also with low self-esteem- putting yourself down because being witty etc has "failed"...so in other words you will entice them with your bosy- as shown by the pics and boobs.

nkf · 07/05/2012 19:42

Maybe you should try that site where friends post about you.

Mrssamcam · 07/05/2012 19:42

bosy? Grin body

Original poster
hatesponge · 07/05/2012 19:43

The current profile has only been as is for a few weeks. Previous unsuccessful dates, one nighters etc were all from an earlier version (I haven't kept a copy unfortunately) which was different and didn't include any of the last paragraph which appears to be attracting so much comment.

I'm happy to change the wording BUT I don't know it will make a massive difference.

OP posts:
watchoutforthatsnail · 07/05/2012 19:43

Mrsc. I expect her date today was very unsubtle About what his intentions were, as some men tend to be... Esp those online dating.
Sponge told him there would be no sex today, so he just dropped all contact, promoting this thread from sponge.

That's what I expect happened, because its happened to be lots too. And there are absolutely no boobs in any od my pics.

nkf · 07/05/2012 19:43

And the pics?

PooPooInMyToes · 07/05/2012 19:44

I've just read all your thread. Finding this very interesting!

Im wondering if the problem might be that your look doesn't fit your personality. So they meet you expecting one thing and find another. What do you think? So you might have a sensible serious sort of look but you are actually a bit lairy or the other way around for eg.

As for guys expecting a one night stand when you have specifically said you don't want that. . . Im amazed! Can't they read!?

Original poster
hatesponge · 07/05/2012 19:44

And I certainly don't have low self esteem, if I did I'd be dating all the weirdos and nutters whose messages I instantly delete.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 07/05/2012 19:44

Change your pictures, far too much flesh on show; and your name - sounds like some sort of French Madame Grin. Mrssamcam says a lot of sense about what you have written about yourself.

nkf · 07/05/2012 19:49

It's the pics. You think any man is really going to read all that and decode what "demure" might mean? And if that's the sort of top you wear with your skinny jeans, then he will think you are hot stuff.

Original poster
hatesponge · 07/05/2012 19:50

I can crop the pictures down to head only if the vote seems to be they are 'wrong'.

The one in the red dress doesn't show much cleavage, surely that can stay?

OP posts:
nkf · 07/05/2012 19:51

It makes you look like a party girl. Strapless and you're on a dance floor.

ImperialBlether · 07/05/2012 19:51

I think you should use different photos on a different site. You're clearly really pretty, so what I'm saying has nothing to do with that.

I agree that you are using language on there that implies you're out for a good time. Why say you don't want a one night stand? They should look at you and KNOW you don't want a sleazy web cam chat or a one night stand.

You've gone very downmarket with POF. I know you don't like Guardian Soulmates but there are other sites like the Telegraph site or eHarmony or the Times site which are fine.

I know people on here met on POF but generally the sort of men you'd find on there are bloody awful.

nkf · 07/05/2012 19:52

Take new pics and rewrite to sound more upbeat. That's what I'd do.

akaemmafrost · 07/05/2012 19:52

I think the pictures don't do you any favours quite honestly. You are very attractive but I think a couple of natural, out-doorsy pictures would get far more attention. Honestly I find posed photos on a web cam so sad and I would never take them of myself or include them in a profile. I've looked on dating sites and I just think those kinds of photos are so "try hard" iyswim. I always think do they really have NO pictures of them DOING things, out and about etc?

I am no expert btw, just my thoughts.

Mrssamcam · 07/05/2012 19:53

I also think- contrary to public opinion and yours I expect- that your first paragraph about not wanting men who are after one thing only, is rather off putting for nice guys. It comes over as harsh and brash.

It implies that you have had your fill of men who only want one thing.....but it also makes you sound hard and cynical. I think ti would put decent guys off to read that.

You will know all about self-fulfilling prophecies- this is one I think here. Simply by being so upfront about no one night stands you are actually drawing attention to that type of behaviour- yet you present yourself as a type of "challenge" and feisty. I am not surprised at all that with the pics and your profile you are getting those kinds of men.

Why not have a pic of yourself in a polo neck jumper on a windy beach with natural make up, and no talk about sex, fun or laughs, and see what happens?

Pannacotta · 07/05/2012 19:54

Sorry but I agree. Change your pics.
It is clear you are intelligent and independent etc, but your pics are a bit obvious, there is too much flesh on show and as another poster said you look a bit drunk on one of them.
Try some more subtle pics with less cleavage and be more vague in your description, no need to justify yourself and no need to make reference to how long you have been on the site for.

I think you might be better off looking for love elsewhere tbh, at least try another dating site.

watchoutforthatsnail · 07/05/2012 19:57

But, and here's throwing caution into the wind. What if she is a ' party girl' does that mean shes not entitled to any serious relationships?

I mean, if thats what she likes doing, then the picture shows that. Wouldn't it be false advertising to show a pic of her in walking boots up a hill?

Original poster
hatesponge · 07/05/2012 19:57

I am a party girl though, I don't really do natural or outdoorsy :)

The b/w photo is about as natural and make-up less as I can bear, my DS took that mucking around with his new camera when I'd just got in from work. All the other photos have been taken of me by friends at parties.

OP posts:
PooPooInMyToes · 07/05/2012 19:58

I agree with changing the boob pics. Perhaps for something that isn't out drinking.

DilysPrice · 07/05/2012 19:59

Don't mention amongst your likes "the cold side of the pillow". That is really not something that you need to be informing your dates at this stage Grin.