Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I meet a man who doesn't just want sex?

473 replies

hatesponge · 07/05/2012 13:47

Just that really.

I have tried the whole online stuff. If we go on a date and there's an attraction between us, there is always the expectation it will end it sex. Sometimes it does. And I never see them again. Not the end of the world, itch scratched and all that but part of me thinks well we had a decent time, why not see me again? And on the dates where there's an attraction but nothing happens (well maybe a bit of kissing but no more) I never see them again either, because obviously sex was the motivating factor and, as they didn't get it, they've moved on to an easier conquest.

It's EXACTLY the same in RL too. I meet men through work, friends etc. And then nothing, whether stuff happens or it doesnt. Sex - or more specifically one off conquests - appears to be the sole motivation.

I'm sure there must be some men who are not like this. But I don't seem to be able to attract them, and for the life of me I can't figure out why. It can't all be down to luck surely?

OP posts:
Original poster
hatesponge · 07/05/2012 17:39

I haven't got beyond a first date for over 3 years. So either I've slept with them on that date or not seen them again.

Going back to the Exs and before, I think I slept with my DCs dad on about the 4th date, and my last proper Ex we waited 3 months, but part of that was because he was working away. Others were 1st, or 2nd, or whatever. So before all this I'd have said anywhere between 1-4 dates on average.

Of course the fact I now never get a second date skews that somewhat.

I don't have any particular hangups. I try to avoid harsh lighting but that's about it.

OP posts:
Mrssamcam · 07/05/2012 17:40

Your logic is a bit flawed.

This is my take on it FWIW:

Sex on 1st date and no follow up- well maybe they didn't like you that much before the sex, but took what was on offer.

No sex on 1st date and no follow up- they just didn't feel a spark, or you weren't their type.

I think anyone who has sex on a 1st date has to assume there may be no 2nd date. This is not a moral judgement and I know MN in their scores may come along and say they have been married to DH for 30 years after sex on the first date. BUT on the whole I think it's a risky way to behave- if you do want to see them again.

The other thing is- being really, really blunt- are you a person they would like to see again? Do you have interests, conversation, a sense of humour? Do you make them feel you are intersted in them and not simply talk about you all night long?

I know this may come over badly, but if a man was posting here asking this, MN would be frank and say these things.

The other thing is- is your behaviour " flirtatious"? Do you give off signals that sex is what you want?

You see, you are the common denominator in all of this so it has to be something you do or don't do that affects these blokes' behaviour.

One more thing- do you make it clear on your profile that you are not looking for a one night stand- and if they are, piss off?

All men are not just looking for sex. You might have just been unlucky but..........

Huansagain · 07/05/2012 17:44

Ime pretty much all my male friends who have been throught the divorce mill don't want long-term relationships.

And as a male dating Internet user there are a lot of women looking for NSA and they don't put that on their profiles. So it's quite hard to judge until you meet someone exactly what they want.

AKissIsNotAContract · 07/05/2012 17:48

The things on my profile that my male friend encouraged me to change were things like:
Fun loving - translation - wants sex
looking for friendship possibly leading to more - translation - wants sex

These things weren't obvious to me, but as he put it, very few women come right out and say they are looking for NSA.

sandyboots · 07/05/2012 17:48

yes - from internet dating: 1st date & no spark = probably no 2nd date

sex on 1st date = they probably just think you're up for sex and could even think you don't like them that much to sleep with them on 1st date, it's akin to a one night stand so you're unlikely to see them again. Again, nothing personal.

don't forget that dating can be harder as a single parent too. I'd really take a little break from it if I were you and just do things you like. I say this as someone doing just that and it's been great. Failing that, try dating people outside of your normal 'type' or people you don't fancy very much - they're bound to want 2nd dates and at least it'd just break through the pain barrier so to speak as you seem to have got that expectation now that there's no-one who'd want to take you on a second date when of course there is, somewhere out there. There's a lid for every pot as they say Wink

MsCellophane · 07/05/2012 17:50

I think the older the men are, the more chance of them being after a shag.

Many have been through marriage and divorce once you get over 40, this seems to put a lot of men into playing the field mode. Many think that us 'little' women will become all clingy and desperate so move on to the next

One thing I will say Sponge, please don't take this the wrong way but I know you are fussy and go for attraction (going from the other thread) You have often said you can't find anyone fanciable. I'm on POF and there are number of good looking men on there, not adonis's but pleasant enough. IME the better looking ones are shallow, not all of them but lots of them are. I'm not saying lower your sights but maybe give others a chance

I've had a number of good dates, more than one with men who aren't drop dead gorgeous. Nice personalities, nice manners and not looking for one thing

Do you message people first? I always do, quite a lot respond

It is disheartening at times but if you're not meeting people in RL then the net isn't a bad place to look, you just have to keep an open mind on what and who you want

DinahMoHum · 07/05/2012 17:51

i wonder if its because you ARE so sure you dont want sex, youre subconsciously avoiding anything flirty, to avoid giving the wrong impression/mixed signals. Noones going to be interested in meeting up again for smalltalk. Its perfectly fine to not want to have sex straight away, but if your immediate fear is that they want sex from you, then its probably quite hard to not project that and you might be giving out the signal of being unavailable

amillionyears · 07/05/2012 17:53

If your job is indeed scary to many men, I dont suppose you would consider changing it?

I dont know anything at all about internet dating.But my guess is that there are professional websites which may suit you.You probably have tried them.Or other countries dating professional websites?
I think I am nearly out of ideas, and somewhat starting to clutch at straws!

sandyboots · 07/05/2012 17:57

Hmm change jobs to meet a man! Shock that's bonkers!!!

few sessions of counselling/therapy for some honest feedback and some emotional support ?

sandyboots · 07/05/2012 17:58

ps I think dino-mum's very wise. They may pick up on something that you're going into it with (even unconscious) attitude of "all men are only after a quick shag" and this could scare off the nice ones?

ImperialBlether · 07/05/2012 18:00

OK well I have to say I think POF is a dreadful site. I know a lot of women on MN have met nice men there, but I just can't see it.

OP, are you meeting men who work at the same level as you? Who have the same income? Who live in the same area? What do you know about them before meeting them? Do you talk for hours on the phone before meeting? Are you comfortable chatting to them before you meet them? Do they make you laugh? Do they call when they say they will?

Mrssamcam · 07/05/2012 18:02

If you really like a man, I'd really suggest that you don't have sex on the first date.

Even if a man really likes you, I think that generally ( and I know there are exceptions) men like to have to work to get a woman. And not just into bed. If you have sex on the first date the men may assume that's what you do all the time with dates- and it can be a bit well..off putting.

I also don't quite get the way that you pigeon hole men into extrovert/cheeky , and shy.

How can you tell this from emails or a phone chat?

And that's another thing- are you having much contact before a first date? I don't go for loads of emails and phone calls- you need to meet in person to see if you click- but on the other hand you should get a bit of a feel for what a guy is like before you meet from a few phone chats.

Pannacotta · 07/05/2012 18:09

Perhaps you would find it easier to meet decent men through an interest/hobby. You coudl do an evening class, something which sparks an interest in you - dancing/wine/cookery/foreign language etc, that way of you meet someone there, you have something in common other than sex.

DinahMoHum · 07/05/2012 18:11

Are you really being yourself on the dates. Are you being formal or generally chatty, friendly, laugh-y, fun?

I think if a guy goes on several dates, hes going to go back for more with the one that made him feel special and like she wanted him and found him interesting.

Did you feel a spark with any of these men, and they just didnt find it back, or was the lack of spark a two way thing?

DinahMoHum · 07/05/2012 18:13

i dont think theres anything wrong with sex on a first date tbh. I always think its best to go for what you want at the time, and if it leads to more, then great, and if it doesnt, oh well. If a guy would judge me for that, we wouldnt be suitable for each other anyway

ImperialBlether · 07/05/2012 18:16

I don't think it's wrong to have sex on a first date, but I do think it takes away the chase element. If men do enjoy the chase, they're not getting it, are they?

I've known a lot of women and men who say they'd have sex on the first night but then wouldn't see the other person again. It's using a date as a one night stand.

sandyboots · 07/05/2012 18:20

sex on a first date is fine as long as you're not expecting to see them again. If you want to see more of them or are at risk of getting hurt if you don't hear from them again then best to wait a bit IMVHO as although there are exceptions, I think most sex-on-first-date scenarios are more like a one night stand. If you just want sex too then fine.

sandyboots · 07/05/2012 18:21

I agree Imperial -thrill of the chase... same as it ever was

DinahMoHum · 07/05/2012 18:24

tbh if a guy is going to run off after sex on a first date, he'd probably run off after sex on the 15th. If all hes interested in is the thrill of the chase, then the sooner you find out the better

DilysPrice · 07/05/2012 18:24

Do try Guardian Soulmates again - possibly with a new photo that fits the type better. It really is a gold mine for "serious" men IME (or rather, in the experience of several friends of mine).

Perhaps make the effort to arrange lunchtime dates, even though it's inconvenient. That will also push you towards a more casual dress code which may help.

Proudnscary · 07/05/2012 18:29

Hi OP - what were things like for you before dating/internet dating? When you were a teen or in your 20s (don't know how old you are?)? Did men fancy you? Did you find it easy to attract blokes? What do ex boyfriends say about you, or what do you think they'd say? What were issues in your relationships?

sandyboots · 07/05/2012 18:29

dinah I can see where you're coming from but you'd have built up more of a relationship with them and it's more romantic which some men would like - depends on the individuals?

Mrssamcam · 07/05/2012 18:30

Dinah I think that's being a bit naivie TBH.

I can see what you are saying but it doesn't work like that.

Sometimes you need NOT to do exactly what your hormones are telling you to do in the hope of winning a longer game.

I don't agree at all that a guy is just as likely to run after 15 sex sessions than the first one on the first date.

If you want sex on the 1st date to scratch an itch- fine. If you are looking for a relationship, then my advice is to hold back a bit.

Proudnscary · 07/05/2012 18:31

Also I have no experience of 'dating', internet or otherwise, as I've been with dh for 18 years, so this may be outdated, but I don't really hold truck with 'don't sleep with a man on first date'. I nearly always jumped straight into bed with men who became my longterm boyfriends, because it instinctively felt right.

Proudnscary · 07/05/2012 18:32

Dinah - yes I kind of agree with that. Otherwise it's a bit like The Rules, keep them keen by game playing...

Swipe left for the next trending thread