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Original poster

How do I meet a man who doesn't just want sex?

473 replies

hatesponge · 07/05/2012 13:47

Just that really.

I have tried the whole online stuff. If we go on a date and there's an attraction between us, there is always the expectation it will end it sex. Sometimes it does. And I never see them again. Not the end of the world, itch scratched and all that but part of me thinks well we had a decent time, why not see me again? And on the dates where there's an attraction but nothing happens (well maybe a bit of kissing but no more) I never see them again either, because obviously sex was the motivating factor and, as they didn't get it, they've moved on to an easier conquest.

It's EXACTLY the same in RL too. I meet men through work, friends etc. And then nothing, whether stuff happens or it doesnt. Sex - or more specifically one off conquests - appears to be the sole motivation.

I'm sure there must be some men who are not like this. But I don't seem to be able to attract them, and for the life of me I can't figure out why. It can't all be down to luck surely?

OP posts:
Sunshinedelacruz · 07/05/2012 15:28

Yes I think I was lucky with my one male friend. He is still my friend. Also, I too lost a whole load of weight about 10 years ago. Eight stone or therabouts. The change was incredible. I got loads and loads of male attention and no problems getting ons' but they didn't stick around. Looking back I behaved v differently back then during this huge transition. I think I was giving of vibes of availability so I got the sex but at the same time I was very unsteady about my body which had changed so dramatically. I got the affirmation I was shaggable but my head hadn't caught up and I was still the person with huge obesity inside my head. Subconsciously I think i gave off such mixed messages. It was definitely a time of learning for me. I was also probably wanting to see of everyone I met wanted to have sex with me as a test of my new body/new dress sense/hair etc.
Now the newness of the weight loss has passed and I have a different set of insecurities but that transition did definitely alter my mind and behaviour. I can also accept that not everyone will want to sleep with me just because I am slim.

AKissIsNotAContract · 07/05/2012 15:29

Amillion: I think if it was BO or halitosis then they wouldn't be up for casual sex!

The other thing that worked for me was changing the type of man. I used to date a certain type and always got the same outcome. I changed from the cheeky arrogant type to the sweet and shy type.

Original poster
hatesponge · 07/05/2012 15:38

I don't attract shy men.

I have tried messaging men myself who aren't my usual type and might not usually message me. I never get a reply.

I don't believe I have any hygiene issues or odd mannerisms.

OP posts:
watchoutforthatsnail · 07/05/2012 15:46

Sponge, Its not you and you know I have the same problem.

You know what it is, I'm sure a lot of men are just out of divorce or long term relationships, and so want to play the field, dating someone longer term isn't what they want,they want to play the field.

And I know its crap when you have a great date and they even.contact you after to say.how great it was and.how.you should do it again. But then just dont ask.you out again.

But I truely dont think the problem.is with you, or me for.that matter, but just down to bad luck of having not met the right person at the right time.

Ragwort · 07/05/2012 15:46

'I don't really have interests in that sense' - why don't you have any interests? I would think it odd if I met anyone (male or female) who didn't have interests/hobbies/pastimes etc to talk about. I think (massive over generalisation here Grin) that a lot of people who tend to use dating sites want to have a 'relationship' but don't think about friendships, what you do with people etc etc. Try relaxing, get involved in some hobbies, enjoy life ......... you may or may not meet someone.

I met my first husband purely as a 'date' - the marriage lasted less than two years, I met my second husband through our shared hobby - we've been together 24 years and still have the same hobby ......... and have developed many more together (and separately) over the years Grin.

amillionyears · 07/05/2012 15:55

ok, do you think you come across as a bit full on,even a bit desperate?
or do you think you talk a lot about your DC on a first date?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 07/05/2012 15:59

amillionyears - theres something a bit, well, "odd" about your posts here, something i can't quite put my finger on. Confused

Original poster
hatesponge · 07/05/2012 16:01

watch, it's shit though isn't it?! Just wish my/our luck would change...

ragwort - I don't have interests in the sense of I don't go hillwalking, or climb mountains, I'm not into photography, or volunteering or whatever. Not my kind of thing, and frankly I don't have time. I have a very full on job, 2 DC and no family support. I am either at work, travelling to or from work, or with my children. The weekends they are with their father I spend out with friends or doing things to my house. I have plenty of friends, lots to do with my spare time - I'm not desperately trying to fill my life with random dates because I have nothing better to do.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 07/05/2012 16:01

Here we go.I can pm you if you want op,or stop now, or carry on.

peacefuleasyfeeling · 07/05/2012 16:01

If you want to persist with online dating, why not try Guardian Soulmates? I have several friends who have found genuine and sincere dates there, with whom they have gone on to form long term relationships, one couple married a couple of years ago. Good luck!

amillionyears · 07/05/2012 16:03

My last post was about NotSuch re the here we go.
I am asking op what she wants to do.

Original poster
hatesponge · 07/05/2012 16:04

I don't think I come across as desperate. I don't discuss dating or relationships on first dates. I never mention my Ex. I make it clear I have children, but don't go on and on about them - for example if I'm asked what I do on a sunday I'd say I'm often watching the boys play football, but would leave it there (unless asked more questions). I wouldn't sit there and give chapter and verse on what position they play, how long they've been playing, their team, playing stats etc!

OP posts:
Original poster
hatesponge · 07/05/2012 16:07

amillion - I'm happy to have your input and will answer as best as I can, so please carry on :)

peaceful - I signed up with Guardian Soulmates a while back, but ended up deleting my profile. Literally not one man was interested in me - I don't think I have the right sort of look for men on there tbh - I did also search men in my area and there were none I found attractive anyway.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 07/05/2012 16:13

I like you hatesponge, I would go out with you if I was an available man!And you come across on here well.
The only other thing I can think of, and this one might be embarrasing, or a load of laughs, whichever way you look at it, is to set up an evening of fake dates.
Have 1 or 2 girls round who you trust, and would hopefully give you honest feedback, and invite some hopefully single men,and pretend to date them.And your girlfriends, or men friends too, give you honest feedback.
Try to make it real[easier said than done].
This requires a lot of courage.They may see things that you havent.

Original poster
hatesponge · 07/05/2012 17:02

a million - thanks. I think I'm pretty great, which is why I find the fact men only want one-off sex with me, and not to date me, a bit depressing!

the date thing is a nice idea but not sure it would work, I don't have many friends with single male friends tbh (or not ones in the right age group anyway) so it might be a bit of a non-starter.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 07/05/2012 17:07

You could try it out with the married ones I suppose, if the wives have given permission?or are there too?though that would be a bit unnatural especially as regards flirting!

amillionyears · 07/05/2012 17:11

hatesponge, out of interest,do you have many girl friends?
And/or work colleagues.Not sure yet if that is going to help solve the puzzle.

sandyboots · 07/05/2012 17:12

OP I agree with others that it could be anything, most likely not you and probably just a run of bad luck. However, IME men do seem to pick up on vibes and you sound too focussed on whether they want to take you on a second date, I'd say focus more on whether you want to see them again.

You sound like you have loads to offer. The fact is my recent dating is experience is that the more 'meh' I am and not bothered about it the more they can't get enough Grin

in any case don't worry, when the right man comes along it won't matter what you do you won't be able to get rid of them. If he's not the one for you then he just isn't, try not to take it personally or blame yourself.
good luck!

sandyboots · 07/05/2012 17:13

p.s. your view of men could be skewed by internet dating which is bound to attract more 'conveyor belt' type men- why not have 6 months just restricted to people you meet in everyday life and if you don't meet any in that time just invest in yourself and your female friendships?

Original poster
hatesponge · 07/05/2012 17:16

Most of my friends are female, I have probably 4-5 very close friends, plus lots of others. And yes get on well with colleagues at work - mainly women (probably about 4:1 ratio in our office).

I only have a few male friends now, I had more but tended to lose touch once they got married etc.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 07/05/2012 17:22

Do you remember that programme about dating, Would Like to Meet? It would be great if you could pay someone like that to make new suggestions.

Do you have any spare money? What about a life coach?

noddyholder · 07/05/2012 17:24

My friend has been doing interent dating over the last couple of years due to a break up and a v busy career and I have been nosing about with her as my life is so boring and I have to say it is very sex oriented

Original poster
hatesponge · 07/05/2012 17:24

sandy I dont blame myself I just don't see why I should constantly attract men who are only looking for sex. I know this is a motivator for a lot of men, and that some just want the thrill of the chase, will keep on til they get sex then lose interest, but for some reason I only seem to get ones who are looking for a complete one off. I don't really understand why -other than that it is bad luck.

There have been other dates I've had where there's been no attraction at all. I have had no interest in seeing them again. Thankfully the feeling has been mutual. Please don't think I'm some desperate woman wanting to date anyone who will have me. that's far from the case. But as someone said upthread, nearly 4 years and not one person wanting to see me again is odd. And it is.

I do still meet people in RL all the time, I met one last month (who stood me up). And I don't want to give up on it all entirely - I did that in 2010, thought I'd step back and see what happened, and nothing did.

OP posts:
sandyboots · 07/05/2012 17:31

ok... how about after then - do you try to snuggle up/ cook them breakfast or otherwise act in any girlfriend-ly ways after sex or would you say you play it cool? do you have any body hangups or do you feel confident when sleeping with them, and how many dates do you normally sleep with them after?

you don't sound desperate at all, just that you've plenty going for you and the whole internet thing sounds tough-going

amillionyears · 07/05/2012 17:34

OK lady, I have gone back to your original posts.
You say you are a successful woman.And your friends say some men might find that scary about you.
Do you think they have any reason to be scared of you.eg are you a policewoman which would probably scare a lot of men tbh.
Or are you eg a woman judge, again scary.
After meeting you once,do YOU think they could find you intimidating in some way.