How do I meet a man who doesn't just want sex?

[hatesponge]

Just that really.

I have tried the whole online stuff. If we go on a date and there's an attraction between us, there is always the expectation it will end it sex. Sometimes it does. And I never see them again. Not the end of the world, itch scratched and all that but part of me thinks well we had a decent time, why not see me again? And on the dates where there's an attraction but nothing happens (well maybe a bit of kissing but no more) I never see them again either, because obviously sex was the motivating factor and, as they didn't get it, they've moved on to an easier conquest.

It's EXACTLY the same in RL too. I meet men through work, friends etc. And then nothing, whether stuff happens or it doesnt. Sex - or more specifically one off conquests - appears to be the sole motivation.

I'm sure there must be some men who are not like this. But I don't seem to be able to attract them, and for the life of me I can't figure out why. It can't all be down to luck surely?

Someone's probably mentioned this but isn't your username an acronym? BDSM?

Perhaps men are expecting you to be full on with the kink?

Adams, no-one hopes that more than me

Re my name, I picked it because of the Keats poem. I suspect no-one on POF has understood that. But I haven't had a single message referring to whips and chains, or anything of that nature either. I'm not convinced people look unduly at usernames - probably less even than the text of profiles.

My username on earlier profiles has previously been a latin phrase, random letters and numbers, browneyes etc. And it hasn't made much difference to the men I attract...

Have you tried this
www.meetup.com/cities/gb/rg5_4qu/
There is a group in my local town of both sexes which is a 'just go out and have a nice time' sort of thing, usually meals out or meet ups in pubs and I presume that it also provides the opportunity to meet someone new but isn't advertised as such.

I'm glad you didn't take offence at my comments, must admit to knowing sod all about internet dating. Was looking at it from my divorced brother's point of view, mind you wouldn't wish him on anyone.

www.meetup.com/
This might work

One tip Sponge and for anyone else changing / choosing name - sometimes they list them alphabetically. Mine started with an A which helped it to show up before people got too jaded with the list. Also they quite often rank them by how recently you log in so always good to check daily.

If your name is what I think it might be . . . the first word might make them think of a certain lady with the same first name? Could that be why they think only of sex?

The rest of it, I have never been sure if it means the lady is "without mercy" or "without thanks," and I am always worried about looking like an ignoramus if I say that - would any blokes feel like that too perhaps?

ODQ has got it right, change your name to AAAAAAAAaardvarrk

at AAAAAAAAaardvarrk. I might pinch that!

Lol Balloon. I like AAAAAAAAAaardvarrk. And log in every twenty minutes too. People won't think you're crazy at all :o

I'm going to call myself AAAAAAAAaardvarrk and hit refresh every 8 minutes! Can't fail!

:o

I'll bear AAAAAAAAAAaaardvarrk in mind :)

sponge this is going to sound corny but just be yourself, both on your profile and on dates/in RL. It's no good pretending to be someone you're not, you can't keep it up forever and it wouldn't be you the man was dating iyswim.

You've had sex 3 times on the first date so it's hardly likely to be that, in itself, that's not getting you a second date and for the ones it does (all three of them?), trust me, they're not worth it...judgemental idiots most likely with double standards.

I do like AAAAAAAAAAaardvarrk though

i have to admit I'm tempted to stick my own profile up and see what these experts make of that

Hey you, don't you be nicking my new username

Chaotic are you mental woman?? I know yours is good

So do I, I just wonder what some on here would have to say after reading some of these posts

I did reword just a tiny section of it so it sounded a bit better.

Maybe they'd have a problem with the photo though...you know all that leather with the whips and chains in the background

I like the leather. I think the padlocks on the chains make it very clear you are not up for sex.

Ooh, I did forget to say that men do read profiles, or at least some do. I got a job offer from one of them

Great job too!

Just to update this thread, it may be too early to judge, but I'm not having much luck so far with my new profile.

Had 2 messages today. One from a man who in his subsequent reply to me made an unpleasant racist remark. The other was unattractive and 'separated' (most likely still married I suspect).

There is a new feature on POF which allows you to send a flirt to men. I have sent 5 this evening - all the men have viewed my profile, but not responded/ Not sure what to make of that tbh...

I think you're very brave putting your profile up here for people to judge sponge.

In my opinion, fwiw, I would lose the red dress photo straight away. It's not particularly flattering and you look much nicer in your profile pic.

I would put 2 children on your profile if that is possible. I think you say yes to children but 2 would be better, yes could mean four or five which might be daunting.

Why do you say N/A next to car. Men love cars, any men I know talk endlessly about what they are thinking of buying/ what this new model is like/ how much some prat they know paid for the latest something or other.

I would have a photo taken next to a nice mini, or something not too 'grannyish', as my son would say, not necessarily an expensive car but one that makes it look as if you have an interest in them. And put that on your profile. And if you can't drive that suits most men anyway as they prefer to do the driving usually.

I would also have a photo taken in wellies, hair tied back, as if you are gardening or doing something outdoorsy. Then you are covering more options. I live in the countryside and should think that it's harder for people to find new partners here as there are few places to meet except church so you need to look as if you would fit in here too.

You say that anyone contacting you must include a picture. Can you remove that requirement and then once contact is made ask for one before you meet? Perhaps that puts the less good looking men off.

HAHAAHHA!!! Actually LOL'ing at Mayisout's post.

I'm still speechless!

I've been having an emotional evening tonight so I can only thank you Mayisout for cheering me up greatly