How do I meet a man who doesn't just want sex?

[hatesponge]

Just that really.

I have tried the whole online stuff. If we go on a date and there's an attraction between us, there is always the expectation it will end it sex. Sometimes it does. And I never see them again. Not the end of the world, itch scratched and all that but part of me thinks well we had a decent time, why not see me again? And on the dates where there's an attraction but nothing happens (well maybe a bit of kissing but no more) I never see them again either, because obviously sex was the motivating factor and, as they didn't get it, they've moved on to an easier conquest.

It's EXACTLY the same in RL too. I meet men through work, friends etc. And then nothing, whether stuff happens or it doesnt. Sex - or more specifically one off conquests - appears to be the sole motivation.

I'm sure there must be some men who are not like this. But I don't seem to be able to attract them, and for the life of me I can't figure out why. It can't all be down to luck surely?

I'm pleased she cheered you up as much as she did me. I've only just managed to pick my jaw up from the floor. The thing is, sponge doesn't drive. I'm wondering if it's ok if she has her photo taken beside a bus?

I'm trying to stay clear of that thread Puffin. It happened to me too, several times. I'm finding that thread upsetting and confusing.

Love it May

AWESOME post

Mayisout has made me smile. I drive a BMW Mini, now I know why men beg to see me again. I thought it was cos I was a good s--g .

Disclaimer, this is tongue in cheek!

Mayisout, part of me wants to believe that your post is satirical, but if not, it still gave me a laugh.

Get those wellies out, Sponge, you know you want to.

I do actually own a pair of wellies.

They are leopard print

I am not sure that was quite what May had in mind...

Hunters? Sponge. I've heard there are Wellies with a Wedge so one can wear them with shorts to show off the legs in the best light. Great idea.

I know Mays post was funny but some women who judge guys on the car they drive. Never thought it would work the other way.

no mine are only from Peacocks I only bought them for wearing to football in winter.

I've never really judged men on their cars lucky given my last 2 exs both drove Mondeos

I have mock croc black, high gloss wedge wellies, which are very expensive, but i won them!
oh yes, watch the men come running :)

may - that is one of the BEST posts i have seen all day.
I do hope it was tongue in cheek :)

I was being serious. It's what I would do if I was looking for someone.

I have 3 brothers, 3 brothers in law, a husband and a son and in almost every case the woman in their life did the 'chasing' if you can call it that. Men are quite gullible imo. But maybe it's a family thing and doesn't happen to others but I doubt it.

So expecting a male to make an approach on the strength of one photo seems very chancy to me plus the fact that men are probably more reticent about using dating websites (i say that on the premise that most adverts for dating sites seem to show women's photos so am assuming that it's the men they want and need to attract).

So the odds are stacked against you from the start. I didn't say stand in front of car with bonnet up and torq wrench and oily rag in either hand (pushing it a bit if you don't drive) but a car would catch a man's attention in amongst hundreds of other attractive female faces you don't have to pretend it's your car .Laugh if you want . Oh, and leopard skin wellies would be fine.

Lastly, none of the men I know are into dancing so the red dress photo would be a nono. Sitting sipping wine yes, dancing no.

How much is it to join POF, I should join and put my theories to the test. Sadly am not as nice looking as HS and alot older so that would skew the results.

POF is free to join May, I think it would be a fantastic experiment if you join and put your theory to the test. You should join the dating thread and post your updates. we are very fond of experiments, having carried out a few of our own

Yes, will give it a go. Will try different models of car to see if any one of them is a hit! Am overseas just now and will need to wait a few weeks until home again to get appropriate photos.

Perhaps could persuade DD to pose as she is better looking and more likely to get responses (not sure her DH would be too happy tho).

Different outfits and hairstyles would be good too. Reserved and unreserved

This is going to be fun!

I'd be interested to see the results :)

I have sent lots of emails/flirts on POF this week. I have had no replies.

I have also had no further emails.

Tonight I've even another photo back up and still nothing.

I've gone from men who only want sex/one date to no men at all. Not even ones I don't want!

mOST PEOPLE WHO DO OD -NOT ALL BUT MOST-ARE looking for an easy way to meet someone whether it be for a shag or not.By the very nature of the beast these are not going to be the sort who want to invest time in relationships-they want quick and often to use Of course real relationships are not like that So much better to meet in a hobby or at work where you can slowly buld a relationship and get to know someone Good relationships are easy: they just happen

Putthatbookdown not that you are generalising or anything.......

Hatesponge, perhaps I don't quite get it, but surely most of the men on PoF have already seen your profile, are there really heaps of new ones every week?

I would take your new profile elsewhere, you don't need masses of replies, just one or two nice ones who genuinely want a relationship.

Mumsy, I agree there probably aren't lots of new men on POF, but it's such a huge site there are literally thousands on there, particularly in my area (South East). The men who have viewed me/I have sent messages or flirts to may not be 'new' but I don't believe I have seen them before. So I think they are approaching my profile for the first time.

If I throw in the towel with POF (tempting) that leaves me with paying sites really, and whilst I could afford a months membership (if I give up going out in the meantime) my worry is whether I'll actually meet anyone on there - Soulmates seems to be considered my best option but having looked at men on there in my age range and area I can't find one that I find attractive. Yes it's only £32, but that's the cost of a fab night out or 3/4 of my weekly shopping budget....

Sponge put yourself on Gumtree, see what happens

I ventured into NEXT mens department yesterday. I might start hanging around there, got a couple of nice smiles!

Well I've signed up for Soulmates as can do that for free. Can't see anyone I'd want to message. Will see if anyone messages me (am not hopeful!)

Sponge, I didn?t see your first profile but I like your current one. You?re an attractive (fantastic hair BTW) and articulate woman. Just a couple of things that perhaps give the impression you only want sex are:

?BelleDameSansMerci wants to date but nothing serious? could be misinterpreted as just wanting some ?fun?. I wonder if a lot of men need to see ?serious relationship? before assuming a quick leg over isn?t an option.

Your fun-loving, party girl photo and the cleavage shot might give the impression you just want something casual (and guys interpreting ?casual? as casual sex). It?s wrong, but people do tend to be judgemental and all they have to go on are the pics and a small amount of text.

?I believe in work hard play hard and enjoy my time away from the office!? I can just imagine a man thinking ?I bet you do love! Phnarr, phnarr!? Of course, if you had photos of you doing some outdoor pursuits then they would probably think in terms of sporty rather than easy. In my experience men often read what they want and if something even sounds like a maybe, it?s interpreted as a yes. Subtle hints don?t work if you want something positive to happen, but they will read sex into any slight hint of it.

However, that said, I do think it?s important to be yourself and as you are a party girl (in the nicest sense) then the pics are a true representation of your personality. I think online dating is a minefield, especially the free sites, and whatever you write or show will be right for some men and wrong for others. I know it?s a cliché but I think it?s easier to meet a suitable lover doing some type of hobby, classes or activity, but realise this can be easier said than done. I suppose just cast your net wide and play the numbers game, and I would recommend speed dating as it gives you a quick idea of whether there is chemistry or not. Good luck :-)

wine, the current profile - with just the b/w photo - has been up for a week. Have had 4 messages in total, 2 one worders from idiots, one from a racist and one from someone who clearly wasnt single.

So changing the words & pics doesnt improve the quality of men contacting me, if anything the ones this week are worse than normal.

I put the cleavage-y pic back up last night to see if it made any difference, or attracted more messages. I got lots of views, but no messages, so much the same as with the other photo.

Hobbies & activities aren't really me to be honest, if thats my only option I'd probably best give up altogether!

Well I finally put myself on POF.

Not with the photos I'd intended (me next to DS's flashy mini) but just me beside my car and one of me gardening (so not in the least sexy). And said I lived in Surrey.

So, in five days, I received 13 messages , 2 to chat and the rest suggesting we meet up, and 1 invite to a disco.

Must confess no one mentioned the car.

No pervy sounding ones, 2 were younger men, but some sounded nice and one v funny.

Mentioned to friends about POV and one met her partner via online dating but she has no dependent children and didn't even put on a photo but that was enough, with a witty profile, for him to want to contact her.

Have replied saying I have just met an former class mate from school so not looking anywhere else just now.

Not sure if this proves anything but had expected at least a couple of weirdos which none of them seemed to be.