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Original poster

How do I meet a man who doesn't just want sex?

473 replies

hatesponge · 07/05/2012 13:47

Just that really.

I have tried the whole online stuff. If we go on a date and there's an attraction between us, there is always the expectation it will end it sex. Sometimes it does. And I never see them again. Not the end of the world, itch scratched and all that but part of me thinks well we had a decent time, why not see me again? And on the dates where there's an attraction but nothing happens (well maybe a bit of kissing but no more) I never see them again either, because obviously sex was the motivating factor and, as they didn't get it, they've moved on to an easier conquest.

It's EXACTLY the same in RL too. I meet men through work, friends etc. And then nothing, whether stuff happens or it doesnt. Sex - or more specifically one off conquests - appears to be the sole motivation.

I'm sure there must be some men who are not like this. But I don't seem to be able to attract them, and for the life of me I can't figure out why. It can't all be down to luck surely?

OP posts:
Original poster
hatesponge · 07/05/2012 19:59

watch, you've summed it up, I don't do the outdoors. I used to have a line on my profile saying getting muddy makes me cry (it does).

OP posts:
nkf · 07/05/2012 20:02

Too much flesh on show. Too many drunk pics. And the copy - assuming it gets read - has too many sexual references. One night stands, pilllows, how you don't want to be demure. It is blindingly obvious why you are getting called by men who are after sex quickly. You asked why and that's why.

nkf · 07/05/2012 20:05

You don't have to pretend to be horsey.

DilysPrice · 07/05/2012 20:07

And whilst you clearly have a spectacular bosom, perhaps best to save it as a lovely surprise for the discerning men who are attracted by your other characteristics.

PooPooInMyToes · 07/05/2012 20:07

I used to have a line on my profile saying getting muddy makes me cry (it does).

That made me laugh!

I hope you don't mind me mentioning the amount of make up you wear. It does seem a lot and i think some guys are put off by that. That doesn't mean i don't think you should wear it if you want to, as after all its your face, your look etc. But it bit be a contributing factor and people do make judgments about what sort of person you are based on it.

Have you ever seen "Snog, marry, avoid"?

Mrssamcam · 07/05/2012 20:09

Agreed- no horses.

But can you see that all the "no-sex, no-sex, but I am sick of being demure" PLUS those pics makes you look- sorry- as if sex is the first thing on your mind ( as it is in the very first line on your profile) and you look a bit slapper-sih.

You can still have pics of you indoors but clothed and copy without constant references to sex, even if they are negative comments.

And don't say you are sick of being demure and being witty hasn't worked.

Makes them think your only option to get a man is to open your legs.

Original poster
hatesponge · 07/05/2012 20:10

I can crop the pictures, could take away 1. I have to leave the red one because it's full length (and if the others are head shots it makes it look like I'm 20 stone and trying to conceal it). I don't have any others to add in it's place though, because I really only have photos taken of me on nights out.

OP posts:
WhippingGirl · 07/05/2012 20:10

hey op - remove the last paragraph from your profile at the v least. change the photos. i agree with others that they are too sexy - which is a compliment but they are just too wahay i'm a good time girl - and men of ocurse are supposedly more literal than us women.

limit it to one picture - they need to work to see the rest!

id advice against POF too - bit of a meat market or so i hear.7

good luck

marshmallowpies · 07/05/2012 20:14

It definitely comes across as funny & entertaining, but apart from football, Towie & your social life it doesn't say much about what you like doing.

I'd tackle it by thinking a bit more about that- what would you like to know about someone else? That they like a beer or something a bit more personal?

The first thing I remember noticing on DH's profile was that he'd read books by an author I was interested in & I used that as an ice breaker.

Mind you I used to get messages on Soulmates implying I was a bit try-hard: I talked about travel, theatre, going to festivals etc and people would say 'do you really do all that stuff?' but the truth is I did! I didn't do it to make me look interesting, I did it because I liked it!

Mrssamcam · 07/05/2012 20:14

Ask a friend to take a pic of you sitting in your lounge or their lounge.

Just look natural.

One of my friends who had LOADS of dates from really decent guys ( and is now settled with one of them) had a profile pic of her sitting in her dining room at the table, looking at the camera and not a hint of boob.

Original poster
hatesponge · 07/05/2012 20:15

I do wear a lot of eye make up when I'm out, I know that. But I like it and I think it suits me. I don't wear foundation or blusher, and only use a clear lip gloss, so I'm not actually plastering it on.

OP posts:
DilysPrice · 07/05/2012 20:17

Urban outdoors photo? Standing on the Millenium bridge pretending to be a spy from Spooks?

PooPooInMyToes · 07/05/2012 20:19

I can't look at your profile anymore for some reason but there was one particular photo where it looked like you had eyeshadow up to your eyebrows. That was the one that made me think that.

You look nice by the way Smile

Original poster
hatesponge · 07/05/2012 20:19

I'm lolling at the comment about my spectacular bosom (thanks DilysPrice!)

I was getting a bit negative with everyone seeming to think I'm an over made up slapper-y old hag but that's made me feel better Grin

OP posts:
sandyboots · 07/05/2012 20:20

please change your name on there because it is too dominatrix sounding and I think that's a big part of the problem Shock

Just a natural work-y type pic with minimal makeup and a brief summary of you and your hobbies? I'd ditch any reference to sex and anything alluding to having been let down in the past by men etc

Mrssamcam · 07/05/2012 20:20

You might find this hurtful, sorry in advance, but they eye make up is OTT.

It's not especially "fashionable" and does give a certain message/image.

Get along to Bobbi Brown counter and have a lovely eye make up make-over.

You've got lovely eyes and a great face but the eye make up is a bit clown-like- just too much black.

sandyboots · 07/05/2012 20:21

also agree POF not the right place for you - soulmates/times encounters or match or something?

Mrssamcam · 07/05/2012 20:25

I agree that you need to go more up market with the dating sites.

And that your copy needs to say more about your personality and what attracts you to a man.

Instead of saying what you don't want, say what you do want- even if it's something as basic as intelligence, kindness, humour, postitivity, certain music, certain books, places etc.

You can't be too prescriptive, but on the other hand you can have some expectations.

Mumsyblouse · 07/05/2012 20:27

You sound like a great catch, but I think you are in the wrong marketplace. I haven't looked at your pics, but really you want a person who isn't that concerned by your looks (or rather considers them a bonus on top of your intellect and personality). If you put up a pic of you on a dancefloor coupled with the words you are using on a site like PoF, it will sound like you are up for 'fun'. In other words, what about your profile says: I'm a professional who would like to settle down?

Have you tried a professional dating agency? There are several around, and my theory is that if people have to pay out a lot more money, they may be more interested in meeting people for long-term relationships. PofF is known for being a bit of a meat market, I have a gorgeous single girlfriend in exactly the same situation as you, having dated a few nice men but all wanted sex straight away and no long-term relationships, just the odd dinner and a shag was on offer. I advised her to leave PofF straight away and take a break from those type of site, and perhaps look into professional matching, or at least moving upmarket to Soulmates, Times. A lot of the men on PhF seem to be in a conveyor belt of enjoying dates/sleeping around but seem to have difficulty moving towards a relationship, I think the endless supply of attractive women makes them a bit like kids in a sweetshop.

Finally, I stopped shagging on first dates when I started seriously dating lots of men in my early thirties. I made a new rule for myself (not from The Rules), I could date as much as I liked, but no sleeping with anyone for the first few dates. This allowed me to flush out who was really interested in me beyond the physical, and I didn't want to be sleeping with more than one guy at a time anyway. I dated a lot, had a lot of 'fun' in the old-fashioned going on dates and chatting sense, and met my husband. I would say about half of the men I met on dates tried it on, though, even some who I could see weren't that interested in taking it further. I think armed with that knowledge, my decision not to sleep with anyone straight away was the right one.

Hope it works out for you, you sound great, but you do need to seriously change the profile, I think you are doing down your intellect and more serious side in the hopes of appealing to men, which you are, but not in the way you actually want.

watchoutforthatsnail · 07/05/2012 20:27

But again, if the natural look isn't her, then wouldn't it be wrong to pretent so?

Also, I have a total different look to sponge, and no references to anythihg.sex related, and no rants on my Profile... And yet I have had the same experience...

Which leads me to believe It's not the Profile that makes the difference at all.

And as sponge has said, she's changed her profile many, many times

marshmallowpies · 07/05/2012 20:31

Yes Mrssamcam that's it. Being positive about what you DO want comes across much better I think. That's what I was trying to say but hadn't quite got it into words.

The only thing I hung back on with DH in the beginning was whether he wanted children - my profile said 'yes', his said 'maybe' and I spent months in agony wondering if he did want children. Luckily he did & now has a milky baby asleep on him for his trouble Smile.

Mrssamcam · 07/05/2012 20:32

Watch- well maybe your profile and pics are supremely boring???Smile

Just because you are in the same oat does not mean that the OP's profile is okay.

Everyine here who has read it is in agreement. Except you. And you are having the same issues with your profile.

Now- is that a coincidence, or what?

Post yours and we'll give you a hand tooSmile

lumbago · 07/05/2012 20:36

Everyone said "because your tits are out" haven't they ?

captainbarnacle · 07/05/2012 20:36

What sort of man do you want to attract?

I agree about the photos - they are all party shots. So that's your overwhelming impression.

PooPooInMyToes · 07/05/2012 20:41

I wear a fair amount of eye make up too. I do think you should dress etc how you feel comfortable and shouldn't necessarily put up pics that aren't the real you.

But i am also aware that the way we dress gives a message about who we are and what we are into etc.

By the sounds of it though the real problem is the actual dating site you are on.