How do I meet a man who doesn't just want sex?

[hatesponge]

Just that really.

I have tried the whole online stuff. If we go on a date and there's an attraction between us, there is always the expectation it will end it sex. Sometimes it does. And I never see them again. Not the end of the world, itch scratched and all that but part of me thinks well we had a decent time, why not see me again? And on the dates where there's an attraction but nothing happens (well maybe a bit of kissing but no more) I never see them again either, because obviously sex was the motivating factor and, as they didn't get it, they've moved on to an easier conquest.

It's EXACTLY the same in RL too. I meet men through work, friends etc. And then nothing, whether stuff happens or it doesnt. Sex - or more specifically one off conquests - appears to be the sole motivation.

I'm sure there must be some men who are not like this. But I don't seem to be able to attract them, and for the life of me I can't figure out why. It can't all be down to luck surely?

yes fine to trust your instincts and sleep with them when it feels right, but you can't then have an expectation that you'll see them again, especially if they're meeting other women on internet?

If they hang around for 15 dates they're obviously very keen so it'd be more odd not to hear from them after because you've established some sort of a relationship, plus it gives you more time to check them out

Well, I disagree. I have never ever found that men simply wanted sex. Maybe that is because I met them in places other than the web. But if they had, I would never have on the 1st date- it's too cheap. Sorry if that sound prissy but despite their actions, I think men prefer women to hold back a bit. I also cannot really imagine getting that close and intimate with someone I've just met- no matter how much I wanted to jump on them.

I havent dated for 15 years either but I'm not sure jumping into bed with a bloke on the first date is a great idea.
Somehow, IMO anyway, by holding back a bit it suggests more self worth, or at least self restraint, and I think thats a good thing when meeting men.

But then I always liked the slow burn thing!

Pannacotta - well that argument makes more sense to me...slow burn, anticipation and self respect. Rather than 'killing the chase'.

My job does probably scare men. I'm a lawyer and a bloody good one. I don't make much of it on dates though. I'm from a v working class background, and I'm in no way bothered about what men do for a job - my DC's dad is a skilled manual worker who left school at 16. Whether or not they're bothered by what I do - possibly, but my job pays my mortgage so I'm certainly not about to change it.

I take the point about no spark, no second date. When I say men only seem to want sex, I have discounted the ones where there was (very clearly) no spark. The ones I mean are those where I did hear from them post date, they did say they wanted to see me again and then nothing ever came of it - including the one who booty calls me at 11pm, and the one who stood me up.

As I have said my profile does make it clear what I'm looking for - in fact it says 'I'm not looking for one night stands' I don't think I can be much clearer than that! When asked in messages what I'm looking for I make it equally clear - that I'm not just looking for a one-off, I would like to date, that's not to say it has to be anything massively serious but who knows. That kind of thing.

MsCello, yes I probably am a bit fussy :) But honestly I have been on dates in the past with men who weren't my 'type' in terms of looks and I found it awful, really soul destroying. I just can't do it. I have to feel some attraction to go through with it. Re messaging first, I've sent 10 messages in the last week. One reply. Of the most recent 5, every one was at the lower end of what I would find attractive, so not as though I'm setting my sights high. And yet nothing.

The men I slept with on a first date - do you really think I would have seen them again if I hadn't? I don't. So I've not exactly lost anything, I've just found out what they were like.

I had a date today. A rare (for me) daytime date. I got the feeling he wanted sex and made it clear to him it wouldn't happen. He then became 'busy' and I haven't heard from him since. If he had come here, and there'd been no sex, I have no doubt I wouldn't have heard from him again - but I'm equally sure I wouldn't have if we had slept together. His behaviour since shows he only wanted a one-off, and nothing I did, or didn't do, would have changed that.

Have you talked to other women in the same profession as you about all of this.
I somehow cant believe that all men who date lawyers want sex on the first date.Could be wrong but I dont think so.

Are you picking men who look attractive enough to you to go to bed with,but might be better off picking men who you are not going to bed with on a first date who are not so attractive looking.Ive been on here so long now, im getting confused if you have already covered that point!

In your last post, you said something which I find a bit odd.

The men I slept with on a first date - do you really think I would have seen them again if I hadn't? I don't.

Does this mean you didn't want to see them again- or it wasn't an option?

You cannot predict how people will behave- so how on earth could you know if the one-night stand men would have ditched you anyway?

Either you are happy with 1 night stands- or you aren't. You seem a bit confused yourself, so goodness knows what comes over to your dates!

After the date, are you expecting them to call you? Do you ever call them?

If not, why not?

Might they be saying the same to their mates about you? One night stand then no follow up?

My old-fashioned take on all of this is quite simple:
Many men will chance their arm on a date. If they are rebuffed and they really like you, they will want another date. If they don't feel any spark, or you give off signals that show you are aloof or whatever they won't call again.

Something is happening between that first message on the dating site and meeting which may be giving them the idea that you are up for it- OR you are not weeding out these "only want sex" men before you meet them.

If you are brave enough, why not post your profile for us to see? or one of the men's so that we can see if it's obvious what they are after! Sometimes there is a "code" on dating sites as someone else mentioned and you might be giving off , or ignoring signals.

I started out on Soulmates as I thought I'd meet like-minded people on there - Guardian reading, lefty, cultural, etc - made no difference; most of the guys I met were dull as dishwater & none wanted to see me again, apart from one genuinely nice guy I just didn't 'spark' with .

I was on there for years without getting any new dates - if people see your profile is old they just ignore it- so worth trying new sites.

I tried eHarmony & all the dates I went on there wanted to see me again (?!) and only one of those was after a quick shag. However I didn't get many dates - I think by being so selective they end up with a much smaller sample but better quality, hopefully.

It worked for me as I met DH & sat with 12 day old DD on my lap 2 years later!

NB I also know ppl that met their husbands/wives on Match and also my Single Friend. These ought to be better bet than a freebie site like PoF I'd have thought. Good luck!

What feeling did you get that he wanted sex? was he clumsily alluding to it?

A million years... I don't get your point, why would sponge possibly chose, or should chose to go on a date with someone shes not attracted to.

And yes, sometimes attraction takes a while to grow, but if its a definate no, then how awful would it be to have to sit through date after date and dread any physical contact.

Sex or with holding sex isn't it, as sponge points out with todays problem she's had.

And I'm sure It's not the job either, and if it was, frankly why would she want to date someone who had an issue with it.

I'm in the same position myself. 25 odd dates last year. 2 second dates. 8 dates so far this year. 1 second date. I'm as friendly, chatty open and interesting as they come, I listen, flirt. I'm not u.attractive, I have a job and an active life with lots of interests. Still no luck. Exactly the same experience as sponge....

If you only have the one date, how do you know that they are just looking for sex?

Well, I'm not a typical lawyer (I don't look like one, or so I've been told ever since I qualified 15 years ago, which is either good or bad depending on your POV). All the female ones I know met their spouses - mainly other lawyers- at uni/law school and have been married for years.

Mrssamcam- I mean that they had no intention of seeing me again, whatever the outcome of that date. So having sex with them, or not, wouldn't have made any difference.

As things stand, but for the one night stands, I wouldn't have had any sex in the last 4 years. So no, I don't regret them because I like sex, and going without for 4 years is pretty rubbish. BUT I would like to have sex with the same person on more than one occasion :)

And yes I have contacted them, said I had a nice time and would like to do it again - or words to that effect. And nothing comes of it.

Could it be your photo on the sites, OP? Anything revealing you are aer wearing or emphasising the bust (sorry but some men aer very keen on busty women and if you 'put it in their face on the photos, that gives them an idea of sex immediately - stupid as it is). They might hten completely disregard the rest of your profile. Try just putting up a portrait on there and then men who attarcted to your persona;ity and face will be responding more, rather than those who have fantasies of busty women but no interest in you personally!

OP- is there any chance you are over reacting?

How for instance did the guy today make you feel he wanted sex?

Did he flirt?

Are you possibly misinterpreting banter and flirty beaviour for a full come-on, when all it needs is little reposte which makes it clear that 1 night stands are out, but you are still interested?

I still wonder if you give out mixed messages. If you want a 1-nighter sometimes, then how does your behaviour then differ from when you don't and you want another date and possibly something longer term?

watch, thank you :)

My profile is here I think it sums me up fairly well but if I'm missing something I'm happy for people to tell me!

you come across as very personable and opinionated - this could put them off, again because they were after a busty sexbomb 'as advertised' but got someone quite challenging and hard work, while what you have to do is find someone who loves your personality/intelligence first, he'd want to date, and have sex obviously rather than ONS.

For a lawyer you are not being very clear!

From your post, you appear to be saying that you knew before the sex that they would not have wanted to see you again, so the outcome was not a surprise.

Did they tell you before you got into bed it was just a one night stand?

If this is NOT what you meant then can you explain?

And if it was what you meant, were you happy to have a 1 nighter ?

Hatesponge, you are the bravest woman in the world to post your profile. I will be clear and hopefully kind. You sound literate and decisive, clever and . But...you're flashing your boobs all over the show and, in the main picture, you look pissed. Men are visual creatures. Need I say more?

Mrssamcam - today's date had dropped some fairly obvious hints about coming back to my house after coffee etc. I wasn't in any way nasty about it, said if all went well and I was happy he wasn't a serial killer etc that MIGHT happen but I made it politely clear that sex was off the menu today (not full stop, just today). And that was that.

I don't tend to set out thinking that a particular date will be a one-nighter. The last one, for ex, I was having a great evening, we got on well, there was a clear mutual attraction. As the evening wore on he asked me to go back with him at the end of the night. I did want to see him again, but equally I wanted to sleep with him, so eventually decided to go, at the risk of not seeing him again. Up to the point of making that decision my behaviour was no different to what if would have been if I'd decided not to go iyswim.

Okay- cutting to the chase

Words are my living, and you want to know what i think of this?

So what do I want? Ideally a few dates and laughs. In all honesty I'm a bit bored with this dating lark. I've tried being demure, attempted to be witty and interesting but that obviously hasn't worked or I wouldn't still be on here, so now I'm going to be direct! I want to date.

Despite the mini rant about not wanting one nighters, this bit above- seems to be almost saying the opposite.

"A few dates and laughs" is, IMO, shorthand for no-strings, and sex.

"tired of being demure and interesting...but I want to date"

If you substitute the word "sex" for date, then that is what comes over.

You come over as being hard- "I am bored with this dating lark..." and also confused "but I want to date". Again, this appears to say that you are not looking for anything but a casual thingy.

You do not come over as warm, caring, or genuine- but rather negative and up for some fun.

Sorry- but I think this is why you are getting these plonkers.

That was meant to say clever and fun. Ditch the pics.

If they read the profile, they wouldnt' think she was after one thing. But I bet you most men don't read profiles. They look at the pics and perhaps the age. But basically the pics.

And I hadn't even looked at the other pics!

1. Too much boob on show - did you know that women who show cleavage gets loads more winks etc?- fact. All that chest on display says- look boys, want some of this?

1. A VERY come hither, flirtatious pose in pic no. 4.

I cant open your link but from the example I think you do sound like you are up for one night stands

'tired of being demure and interesting' sounds like 'I want to get my kicks and be a bit of a devil' and you know men are generally pretty one track minded so that might explain why you don't come across that way when they meet you, but they do