How do I meet a man who doesn't just want sex?

[hatesponge]

Just that really.

I have tried the whole online stuff. If we go on a date and there's an attraction between us, there is always the expectation it will end it sex. Sometimes it does. And I never see them again. Not the end of the world, itch scratched and all that but part of me thinks well we had a decent time, why not see me again? And on the dates where there's an attraction but nothing happens (well maybe a bit of kissing but no more) I never see them again either, because obviously sex was the motivating factor and, as they didn't get it, they've moved on to an easier conquest.

It's EXACTLY the same in RL too. I meet men through work, friends etc. And then nothing, whether stuff happens or it doesnt. Sex - or more specifically one off conquests - appears to be the sole motivation.

I'm sure there must be some men who are not like this. But I don't seem to be able to attract them, and for the life of me I can't figure out why. It can't all be down to luck surely?

Puff, lovely post. And interesting that what your husband says re sex is what we thought..

:)

His face was like this when I started asking him questions and then he started running for the door.

He had one date with a lady who he said was very nice and they got a bit jiggy jiggy, but not totally jiggy jiggy (apparently ) and I asked him why he didn't want to see her again. He said he liked her and had a great evening but the next day he thought about the distance (about 50 miles) and decided that he didn't like her enough to be in a LDR with her, so no second date.

Any other questions I could ask him? I like watching him try to answer how he thinks I want him to before finally blurting out the truth

Watch a "with respect" and a smiley face doesn't make up for your rudeness.
I just regret that I wasted a second of my time with you- and your lack of 2nd dates implies that most men feel the same.

You are very norty puffin!

It's probably the same as making female friends. People are often posting that they have no close friends. I am convinced that we give out vibes when relating to people and some people are outgoing and warm and others are shyer and reserved, naturally harder for teh shyer and reserved to make friends.

I have found I have to remind myself to be natural with new people. Previously I was so concerned with what they thought of me (intelligent, articulate, woman of the world etc () that there was no warmth or interest coming from me to make them want to open up to me.

So, now I keep saying to myself 'be yourself', 'be yourself' when meeting new peeps and it has definitely helped. By be yourself I mean be an ordinary boring human like everyone else with all the usual faults. Drop any ideas you have or superiority.Also reminding yourself to put your attention onto them, away from yourself. This no doubt sounds pathetically simple to most mnetters but it doesn't come naturally to me.

I would have probs with a date who couldn't spell or didn't seem well educated but if I made an effort using my rules above could maybe make it work. I would also want dates to be doing something eg walking, cycling, cinema rather than sitting in bar as that's a bit intense for a first meeting imo.

May, that's a very good post.
It also works the other way too. I'm somewhat the other way, I'm maybe too warm and friendly and chat to eveyone.
An example, I went to see horse racing. Despite my ' all hair and eyeliner' appearance, I got caught up with an, older ladies,,45??? Birthday party of mixed sex,about 20 people. They were absolutely insistent that I joined them for cake and champers...( much to my shier friends horror( but we joined them and then after the racing got invited to a vip party. All while ib my jeans and boots ( again, appearace isn't everything)
I ended up making friends with a few of them, one of whom is a lady.

Point being, stories and in fact being this way can somewhat scare some men off I do believe. But then again, I want one WHO Will join in my life with me, not sit on the sidelines.

And that's lady as in titled. Not lady in the David walliams sense, nor in the, she is a female, sense :)

Should probably proof read :)

I'm not particularly shy and reserved I don't think. I have a lot of female friends, some of whom have been close friends for 30 or so years.

Watch I think you definitely need someone who's prepared to come along for the ride with you iyswim, I can't see you with a sideline-sitter :)

No, me neither. Cant imagine anything worse.

Sponge you aren't shy or retiring either
:)

I'll be really interested to hear if you've heard from any nice men by the end of the week - I certainly hope so. As I said earlier, this new profile makes you sound attractive and 'real', so fingers crossed you are discovered by someone you connect with, who wants to make the time to get to know you over many dates.

Reading the last few posts with interest... Have to say I asked DH about the sex thing last night and he made face and basically said something to effect of first date sex a no no for a relationship, otherwise you're wondering whether she's a bit of a ... Tailed off here but I got his point. However fair or unfair, a lot of guys I know do feel this way. They'll grab it if it's on offer but they'll see the girl as 'nice girl, good time girl', not 'nice girl, settle down with her'. I KNOW that is outrageous but I honestly do know a lot of guys who feel this way. Women can scream, weep, gnash teeth etc at the injustice but it is a simple fact that lots of the good guys feel this way.

On the other hand you might get lucky and meet a guy who doesn't feel that way... :)

It's a bit of a moot point though, no? Because sponge has only had first date sex with 3 dates in a whole 4 years..It's hardly like she's shagging everyone she meets.........

For some men it.might make them think that. For others, like puffs husband, not..you cant really make sweeping generalisations.

OP had a look at your profile - can I make a suggestion?

"I don't have rigid requirements, or a fixed notion of my 'ideal' man. I'd rather judge someone on their own merits. That said, important qualities for me are honesty..."

Suggest changing to:

"I don't have a fixed notion of my 'ideal' man. That said, important qualities for me are honesty..."

I think a lot of men read words like 'rigid requirements' or 'judge' out of context and find it scary. Those phrases aren't necessarty for the point you're making.

The photo is lovely! :)

You can't make sweeping generalisations to some degree - and yet we all do! :) In my honest, personal experience Puff's husband is the exception to the rule. Men are just as good with the 'judgy pants' as women are.

And I stress this is just my experience.

Your poll of one isn't exactly unbiased thought is it? You are of the belief that good girls don't - I'm guessing you are with someone with similar views

I have mainly male friends and I know they don't think like that. My friends don't judge women that enjoy sex - they are my friends because they feel like that.

You really are hung up on the good girls don't and good girls get the man, sorry it's bullshit

I am someone that likes sex, I have a high libido and no hang ups on what men or women think. I can tell you that me sleeping with a man on a first date has had no bearing on how often I have seen them

If someone likes you, they will want to see you again - sex within an hour or waiting 10 months, they will see you

The problem with internet dating is like I said, it's like cold calling. We are meeting people that aren't from our circle, we are going to meet lots of duds. unfortunately, some men see us as the duds

Hi Sponge! Have been lurking on this thread and was at some of the comments you have received. I think some of the posters were being rather harsh and have no idea what the minefield that is internet dating is like.

My experience - which you might remember from the FAI thread, is that a fair bit of who you meet is down to luck and nothing much else. Photos make a difference, but I dont think many men read what you write anyway. And its definately a numbers game. I dated my share of men only interested in sex , and a few nice ones along the way to meeting my current DP who I am still blissfully happy with after 18 months.

At times my enthusiasm for the dating game did wane and I did just have to grit my teeth and get out there. I very nearly didnt meet DP at all as I had a terrible hangover and my GF made me get out of bed and go and meet him!

I do think that being smart and a bit fiesty can scare men off, but then who wants to go out with a wet blanket anyway, I certainly didnt.

The other piece of good advice I have seen on here is not to judge too early. One of the nicer men I dated was dyslexic. He couldnt spell at all, but I guessed the problem as he wrote just like DS1 does. I met DP for a cup of tea, in a cafe in a garden centre, not the most romantic start, but we didnt leave until they threw us out. It was five dates before I invited him up to stay, by which time I know he was the man for me. Just over a year later we have just returned from taking our four DS on holiday together and have more adventures planned for summer.

Hang in there.

Hurrah for mrs cello and a throughly sensible post :)

And elastmum

Indeed :)

I'm a bit by this thread - OP has asked for specific advice
('how do I meet a man who doesn't just want sex?') been given advice, most of which is along the same lines and meant in a supportive fashion AFAIK and then she and her minders friends seem to be roundly slagging off the posters in an aggressive fashion.
It seems to me slightly bullying-ish
just sayin

Cello I think you were posting to me and I think we cross posted as I have stressed I am basing this on my personal experience and the experience of my friends.

I would also point out you are doing exactly the same :)

My main reason for avoiding first date sex, esp OD, is that it makes it hard to weed out the men who ONLY want sex, which is what the original OP post was about. It's nothing to do with libido or being a 'good girl', whatever that means. For me I was at the stage where I wanted more and so keeping sex on hold meant I could better separate the frogs from the princes.

I also have a lot of male friends and I find they talk the talk - "Yeah, fair play to her, she can sleep with whoever she wants!" But - none of them have married that girl. I know this makes women angry and seems unfair but that is just my experience. Your friends may talk the talk too - or maybe they really mean what they say. Either way, we only have our own experience to go on.

Sponge, I know this thread probably seems to have exploded beyond all recognition and has become a much wider thread! But in terms of your OD I am really rooting for you - I hope you meet someone fab :)

Have you got any advice for the OP sandyboots?

Have just looked at Sponge's profile.

I'm not a bloke but the photo is a bit 'ooh, it's just lickle me' puts index finger on bottom lip - to me.
Prefer the girl above with the sunspecs on her head who looks 'ordinary'. Also choosing a french name seems to accentuate the 'titillation' theme. And at first glance says Lady without mercy (a bit miss whiplash) rather than Beautiful lady without thanks?? if that is how it translates my french not being up to much.

Why don't you just sit sideways to the camera, showing enough of yourself to see you aren't obese, and smile naturally. Colour photo with you in a bar/ at a party/ out in the countryside as if you are out with friends and family justenjoying doing ordinary things. This looks so artifical and posed. And why not say you are looking for friendship rather than a relatiionship, thus less scary for the less committed.

The photo doesn't match the profile.

Errrrrr, well you did ask

:)

That contradicts everything the op has already been told!

She was told crop pics so It's just her face..she has sizeabke boobs, so apparently any boobage in shot is screaming that she wants sex.

The obese are allowed to be loved too you know... That's just a horrible comment.

And as for saying she just wants friendship... Lol, in dating site code, that's pretty much saying she just wants sex. Op has been told to be blunt and direct about what she wants..

She was told bar pictures gave the opion she was a good time girl and only after sex too. abd sponge is so far from.out doorsey...

You see, this is all so subjective, it really comes down to personnal opion.

And who wants to.look ' ordinary' you seem to have a few issues with people being ' ordinary snd boring' I'm not quite sure why.

Lastly that is how she looks. She is an attractive woman, she cant help the way she looks. Her pics show her as she is and it would be false to advertise as something different.