How do I meet a man who doesn't just want sex?

[hatesponge]

Just that really.

I have tried the whole online stuff. If we go on a date and there's an attraction between us, there is always the expectation it will end it sex. Sometimes it does. And I never see them again. Not the end of the world, itch scratched and all that but part of me thinks well we had a decent time, why not see me again? And on the dates where there's an attraction but nothing happens (well maybe a bit of kissing but no more) I never see them again either, because obviously sex was the motivating factor and, as they didn't get it, they've moved on to an easier conquest.

It's EXACTLY the same in RL too. I meet men through work, friends etc. And then nothing, whether stuff happens or it doesnt. Sex - or more specifically one off conquests - appears to be the sole motivation.

I'm sure there must be some men who are not like this. But I don't seem to be able to attract them, and for the life of me I can't figure out why. It can't all be down to luck surely?

...and the moral of the story us...just ask advice from those who you know will agree with you! Its an opinion Watch. OP said herself that she included a full length photo so peeps could see her body shape...blimey!

Yes, snd you all slated her for it. Telling.her it screamed sex...meanwhile her law firm deemed it acceptable enough to have on their website.........

It's just crazy

The Law firm- whoever they are- love to know!- is not a dating agency though- or are they?

Slight difference.

I suspect the law firm chose it because it helps their image and dispels the notion that lawyers are all boring old farts .

It's completely missing the point to draw any comparison.

I don't know why Sponge's mates are rushing to her defence? She's old enough to fight her own battles- What's the agenda here

Unless some of the comments are hitting home with other posters in a similar situation? [confusd] so they are making this their own thread too..

FWIW I am with Onlinedatingqueen. I'm a bit older than most of you doing online dating, and you can scream and protest as much as you like about "feminism" and your rampant libidos but the truth is that most men do see women as those they will happily shag at the 1st opportunity, regardless of how they feel about them, and those who they are willing to get to know better because they are looking for a relationship.

You have got to generalise- because generalisation is the "norm".

I don't care if some of you disagree but the fact is that IF you are looking for something meaningful, not jumping into bed on date 1 is more l ikely to get you that. yes, there are some exceptions.

But the point is that if you wait, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. The opposite is not true.

I certainly have not slated anyone. However you seemed indignant when i merely questioned whether there was a need for such a fervent reaction from yourself when the OP had invited advice and seemed to be a rational advocate for her own sensibilities...JUST SAYIN! Jeesh!

Basically sites like PoF are full of 'adverts' for people. It's not crazy or weird to then wonder what your advert says about you and whether it's giving the message you want it to.

If you go to a dating agency, they have professional services such as videoing your interactions, make-overs, classes on self-esteem. I have never bothered with stuff like this, but if I was having difficulty finding the right type of people or moving from a first to a second date, I'd think about it.

I still think too much is being made of the profile. Until it's put somewhere where classy clever guys who also like to go out hang out (see, NOT mutually exclusive, partying and being clever, no point in emphasising only the first when you have both to offer), I don't think the OP will get lucky.

Secondly, I'm still not sure if the OP liked any of the guys in the last four years enough to go on a second date (i.e. did the problem lie with their lack of interest or hers?) If you never ever convert first dates into second, either the first date guy material is crap, or you are doing something strange on the dates (I would say about 50% of my 20 odd dates wanted a second date).

I agree with most of that.

The other point which may have been mentioned, is that internet dating is different. Even with lots of emails and phone calls before meeting it's still a lottery. My own experience is that the only dates I ever had that were not converted into 2nd dates were those where I met random blokes who I knew nothing about beforehand. it was usually 99% my choice not to have a 2nd date with them.

My most successful and longer term dating was always with men I knew from college, work, socially etc so that we had both had some time to suss each other out a little before , or as well as, dating.

So online dating is a numbers game but I agree that if you want a certain type of man then you have to register on certain sites, and not exclude anyone simply because of their job.

My long term bf is from a dating site. I have a very distinctive look (think pink bob) and so does he. Obviously what he saw was an 'alternative' type of person from the photo and from the blurb. If he was looking just for 'fun' I assume he would go for another type...dunno.

i am not defending sponge - merely conteracting your rather ridiclous notions. i dont agree with what you say, or that train of thought. It is just your opion, and people are allowed different opions. There is always nother side of the coin.

and no, while the law firm isnt a dating agencey, it proves that the picture wasnt as indecent as some of you were hysterically saying it was.

mumsy - you are right about too much being made about the profile and pics, tbh most men dont read them, they just message anyone. Someone on our longstanding thread did an experiment where they said on their profile, ' if you have read this profile, please put a X in the subject box' and pretty much noone did.

and again, and for the last time, sponge ( nor i) are jumping into bed with every date. Spponges last two dates, one cancelled when she made it clear sex wasnt on the agenda - showing he was just after getting laid and one who she hada fab date with, no sex and not even any kissing. hes been in contact with no offer of a second date, yet booty calls her at 11pm ( which she has not followed up on) she is NOT sleeping with all of her dates and i dont quite know where you have got that she is.

i do have a job, i am at work now as it happens. i was not working yesterday. and im only posting as much as you are. Im not speaking for the op, im just co

and your a what, 50+ mum, so who says you know everything.
There have been some posters who agree with what i think, and some that agree with you. i cant see the need to continue arguing about this. Its a difference of opion.

i dont think yours is right, you dont think mine is right. And thats all fine and dandy.

What are my opinions then Watch????Go on take a look at my posts, read them properly and then make an informed answer-not just firing off like a loose canon.

It seems that sponge in general is happy with who she is and if she chooses to take on board what others have to say that is her choice.

Blimey, just caught up with this. I'm not going to wade in with any advice, because I didn't see your profile but Sponge I think you are the bravest lady I know for opening this thread & letting people see your dating profile. For that, I admire you.

just coming back to this...

I don't think I've been aggressive in any of my posts, perhaps someone could point me to where I have? I think I've taken most of the comments on board. Not all, because there are some things (my make up, how I dress) that I'm not prepared to change. But I am willing to consider the possibility that my profile may not have been 'advertising' me as well as it might, hence why I have made the changes suggested. I do appreciate the advice I have received, even though I may not agree with or act on all of it. I do also think some comments were somewhat harsh, but I've heard a lot worse in the past so it doesn't affect or upset me.

Elasta (good to hear all going well for you by the way!) I do agree re not judging people, and I try not to do so. One of my Exs (the poetry writing one) was dyslexic and those sort of errors don't put me off - I'd rather a long-ish message littered with spelling errors (which may be forgiveable due to dyslexia etc) than the usual 'you look hot' type message which I normally receive.

Re my photo on profile, I guess the comments by May show there are as many opinions on this as grains of sand. I had a full length shot, a head, and a couple of head/shoulders. The full length one made me look too much of a party girl, the head/shoulders showed too much cleavage. Fair points, so I went for one photo in which there is absolutely no cleavage, I'm barely wearing any makeup, and most people have said it's ok. I'll have to go with the majority view as I don't think I'm going to find a photo which I like and which satisfies everyone's criteria!

The full length photo (I'm not saying where I work btw) is for an internal website. Clients don't see it, but people at all levels with the company do. I mentioned it only because my own manager had commented on it being a nice photo. Again, just shows people's views are different...

Mumsy to respond to your point about my dates, leaving aside the 3 I slept with for a moment, most of the others I would have liked to see again - some because I wasn't sure and thought well they seemed nice enough, I'd like to see them again and see how we got on, and others because I really enjoyed their company, found them attractive and the feeling seemed to be mutual. So it's not like I didn;t want to see any of them again (there were in addition, a few I really didn't want to see, and was grateful not to hear from).

As for an update on my profile: to date, no further messages. I'll check it again later.

OP I think you've been extremely brave, and gracious about all the comments and criticisms. And it's a brave thing to do to go through the whole online dating thing. You sound fab and fun and lovely and resilient and if there's any justice in this world you'll find the right man for you in the next 5 mins.

It seems to be a numbers game, about making sure that your profile accurately reflects your personality. Don't go making it too demure, now.

I don't want to derail this (any more than it has been already...) but you seem to have a really healthy level of confidence after having been in an abusive relationship. And I'm heartened that you even want to date again. What's your secret? (I can't see myself ever wanting to go there again.)

theregoes thank you, that's really kind. Confidence I think comes partly from my parents, I was brought up as a very pampered and loved only child, and from that have ended up with a sort of innate self belief which got me through the worst of times. I was also very lucky in that after my relationship ended, I became involved with a lovely man, who adored me. That didn't last, but it did huge amounts for my self-esteem, to know that I was loveable, and to prove a lot of what my Ex had said was wrong. The third thing, which has really helped a lot too, was to lose weight. I put on 7 stone while I was with my Ex, have lost 5 of it now and feel more the 'me' I was beforeI met him iyswim?

I'd say to anyone else leaving an abusive relationship give it time - you won't always feel as you do now. My relationship with my Ex was odd, I stopped engaging with him, didn't argue back, let him do what he wanted, for about the last couple of years we were together. And that stopped the worst of it, he became as disinterested as me, we ended up being like lodgers really. Perhaps that period made it easier when we split to move on. I was lucky to find someone great afterwards too, which also helped.

I still have my dark days, don't get me wrong, part of me is convinced I will end up alone and lonely, that I'll never meet anyone, but then another part of me thinks you know what, I'm a great person, I have lots to offer, most people who know me think I'm fab, why wouldn't I ever meet someone? :)

Yes I agree I think Sponge has been very open to advice and is obv. a good sport which is why all the nonsense from others was unnecessary. If you really want a nice bloke I am sure you'll find one eventually sponge, law of averages being what they are!

Theregoes, how about seeing it as something light-hearted. Just as a way of meeting new people - hopefully single people you may be interested in getting to know.
I quite enjoy it - doesn't have to be heavy or a big deal.

Sponge, I'm glad you have been able to listen to some of the advice and sort through what appeals to you and taken in great spirit. Keep that self belief, it's really important.

I hope you meet someone who wants to form a relationship with you and also have some great sex.