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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

what the fuck am i supposed to do with this now you fucking wank stain?!

333 replies

fuckingfuckingbastard · 03/05/2012 20:47

so angry - name changed

DP has been working away, I went to visit him last weekend- we stayed in a hotel and had a lovely time. I came home and he suddenly started to act weird.

I came back on Sunday and that evening he was going out for dinner with his bosses, on the company- how nice thought i...

Tonight he has been really really off with me, saying weird stuff like how much he likes being away and wants to stay there- "coming home every once and a while to see the family"... WTF?!

Anyway, i was clearly pissed off with this and was asking what the hell he was going on about and what the hell had got in to him?!

It aroused my suspicsions so much- just knew something was off so I checked inline banking and there was a payment to slug and lettuce on sunday- he told me he went somewhere else with the bosses- however payment is not enough to be for dinnner, couple of drinks, makes me think he went there after the meal with ??? - he did not mention doing this.

I then checked the online account on t-mobile and I can see loads of texts to a number I don't know- you guessed it, since sunday night.....

I tried to ring the number but got voicemail.

Don't know what the fuck to do. We are supposed to be getting married in a matter of weeks. We have a beautiful dd, 19 months old :(

OP posts:
HateBeingCantDoUpMyJeans · 07/05/2012 13:00

And there is nothing wrong with any of tgat, it's normal to feel like tgat. Your future has been taken away from you, you are grieving for tge life you thought you were going to have. You are strong.

HateBeingCantDoUpMyJeans · 07/05/2012 13:00

Oh and you haven't thrown away your wedding, he has.

tribpot · 07/05/2012 13:07

come on, you're not going to throw your wedding away are you

Wow. WTF - you are meant to be so focused on getting to the day that you would excuse what he has done? The day and the flowers and the whatnot is all very nice but the point of the day is to say to one another that you promise to love and honour one another. He has failed on counts 1 and 2. Not to mention respect and honesty. And also has used your dd as a weapon, the shameful dickhead.

I don't think speaking to him is going to help you, OP. The longer you engage the more it will be seen as wavering about taking him back. What was the advice of the police?

Sarsaparilllla · 07/05/2012 13:19

So sorry you're going through this, hope you're ok, x

Dee03 · 07/05/2012 13:27

I agree with the other posters who say get legal advice, get contact order sorted etc etc.
He is an arse and you will have to get tough.
Good luck

nolongeramug · 07/05/2012 13:33

Been lurking.. But just had to voice my support. Your DP sounds like a controlling arse.
The stupidity of driving off with your DD was a deliberate act to upset you and make you wobble.. Don't let the shit win. It's all in his plan, he wants you to feel sorry for him, doubt yourself and be an emotional wreck without him.

Well don't. For starters you bloody tell everyone the truth, about his shagging around the lot. Let him face the consequences of his actions.

You have done nothing wrong except be a trusting, honest partner. It sounds like he won't let go easily, and unless your firm with him right from the start he will try to take advantage.

I second what others have said, seek legal advice tomorrow, that will put you in control and you will know your options.

None of this is your fault, not in the slightest, him making the comment about you throwing your wedding away is a pathetic attempt to make you feel bad.

What a knob.. Lucky escape love.

lazarusb · 07/05/2012 13:34

He said your wedding, not his. Which shows how much commitment he had to it. Give yourself time ffb, it's only been a few days since you found out. Be angry, be hurt, you have every right to. Take your ring off when you want to. What other people might read into that is irrelevant. He really thinks he is going to get away with it...

MadAboutHotChoc · 07/05/2012 15:07

Yuk at him being cock sure that you would cave in and take him back.

Well done on being strong.

He is the one who is throwing away everything, none of this is your fault x

PooPooInMyToes · 07/05/2012 15:27

Oh my god! What an arsehole!

What did the police say? Are you going to see a solicitor?

Nyac · 07/05/2012 16:03

"your wedding"

PRIIIIIIIIIICCCCCKKKKKK!!!

Sorry but that's outrageous. Like it's some little bauble to offer to you to keep you quiet, not a public commitment that both of you make to each other and the relationship. Ugh.

Did you realise what he was like FFB? Because he's showing his true colours now.

Nyac · 07/05/2012 16:10

I agree that you should tell everybody exactly what he's done. Don't cover for him.

cherrypieplum · 07/05/2012 16:26

Don't do it and continue to be strong!!

He wants to have his cake and eat it! It doesn't seem that he's shown you a speck of guilt or remorse and speeding off with your daughter is a mind game pure and simple! If he thinks he can get away with it now just weeks before a wedding then he'll take the piss forever.

Sell your ring and get a new one with the proceeds!

My friend married someone she had an affair with- a few years down the line he's off doing the same again to her despite the big wedding, nice house and two kids.

AnyFucker · 07/05/2012 17:41

I am so sorry it ended up like this, OP

true colours he is showing now, eh ?

I predict more fuckwittery and arseholery to come, I am afraid

draw on your RL support and see it out

the morsel of comfort you should take from this is that you didn't marry him, you had suspicions, you forced him to come clean instead of burying your head in the sand...you deserve kudos for that

Collision · 07/05/2012 17:44

At least you found out before you married him. It would be so much worse if you had married him and then found out he had cheated on you.

Horrible horrible thing to do to someone.

Hugs to you.

KisMittz · 07/05/2012 18:08

I am so so sorry to read this FFB, it is heart breaking Sad

Something you said struck my though about how upset you were that DD would be brought up in a broken home.
But she won't be. A stable, loving home with a reliable parent, even if it is just one, is far, far better that living in an environment that is shaky, and effectively far more 'broken'.

You will make a fabulous single parent because you are strong, have wonderful morals and code of conduct, and your DD will grow up to be a fabulous young lady because she has a Mother who knows her own self worth, and therefore her worth.

I am sure it will be so very hard, and you will need to mourn what you have lost, and take time to adjust, but I wish you a brighter better future and think whatever role her Dad plays in her life, your DD is blessed to have you as her Mum.

Jux · 07/05/2012 18:14

You're rescuing your future marriage - the good one you'll have in a few years' time to someone else - by throwing away the crap one you would have had with him. Good on you, well done. He can have lots of wrecks of relationships from henceforth, and luckily you won't be there to suffer from them.

He really is a wank stain, isn't he?

CinnabarRed · 07/05/2012 18:30

"He wants to have his cake and eat it!"

And have leftovers to make trifle...

I'm not going to slag him off because you said you didn't want to hear that kind of stuff. Fair enough. I'll settle for wishing you and DD every happiness in the future.

Fluffycloudland77 · 07/05/2012 18:33

Every girls dream is obv to walk down the aisle knowing the groom shags around.

They do think were thick don't they?.

MrsPlanB · 07/05/2012 18:37

He sounds like the most pathetic prick. I know he is your DD's dad, but he is a shit, I;m sorry.

I hope you are OK. Stay strong and put you and your DD first.

hhhhhhh · 07/05/2012 18:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mathanxiety · 07/05/2012 19:42

Do you have a good friend who will do all the cancelling of the wedding for you?

I think you should sell the ring and get something nice for yourself, or use the proceeds to pay a solicitor to find out how you can secure financial support for the DD if you think you will need it, and also limited and supervised visitation (if at all) based on the stunt he pulled.

You did absolutely the right thing in calling the police about your DD.

I think you really are dealing with a man who thinks he can have his cake and eat it here, and who may have been genuinely surprised that you looked askance at his playing away (and I would also guess that there have been more than the two occasions he admitted to - he probably knew that a one time fling wouldn't wash with you, so raised it to two, but you have no way of knowing if that is the truth). He sounds quite angry that you have uncovered his lie.

Smellslikecatspee · 07/05/2012 20:17

Good Woman!

You have sent him a clear message that you are deserving/entitled to respect as a person/ his (now ex) partner and the mother of your daughter.

Your DD is lucky to have such a good role model.

Sadly I think that he is now showing his true colours and being a prick it will become your fault for finding out and then for not putting up with it and before long somehow it will be your fault that he cheated.

I mean the whole wedding comment, how insulting to you.

Don't be worried about been daft and keeping your ring on, id guess you're still in shock, you'll deal with it when you're ready. God love you you've had a shittytime of it.

But it will get better, sadly there a lot of women on here you havev been through the same, but they will be able to tell you how much better it can be.

SugarPasteHedgehog · 07/05/2012 20:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mathanxiety · 07/05/2012 20:30

If it makes you feel less humiliated, OP, my DD3 is an altar server in our church and was scheduled to serve at five weddings in the last twelve months. Two were cancelled. DD1, DS, and DD2 used to be altar servers and they also had many experiences of weddings being cancelled. It happens more than you might think, so don't feel you will be the first or the last.

Thumbwitch · 07/05/2012 20:33

Am a bit Confused as to where the post I posted a few hours ago has gone but never mind!

It said something along the lines of:

You are not "throwing away your wedding" - he has already done that. And you do not want to marry a bloke who has so little respect for you that he thinks you would actually accept him sleeping with someone else and take him back with open arms, surely.

Because if you did, that would give him carte blanche to continue doing it, whenever he felt like it. This would never be a one-off - and you marrying him would be a tacit acceptance that his behaviour was "ok", which it most definitely isn't.

You cannot want to live your life like that. No man is worth that pain.

I would be Shock at his gall and brass neck, but after reading MN Relationships boards for a few years now, I'm not really. I'm just waiting for him to turn it all around and make it your fault now. :(

Get legal stuff in place as fast as you can so that when you drop the bomb finally let him down, you're already ahead of the game.