what the fuck am i supposed to do with this now you fucking wank stain?!

[fuckingfuckingbastard]

so angry - name changed

DP has been working away, I went to visit him last weekend- we stayed in a hotel and had a lovely time. I came home and he suddenly started to act weird.

I came back on Sunday and that evening he was going out for dinner with his bosses, on the company- how nice thought i...

Tonight he has been really really off with me, saying weird stuff like how much he likes being away and wants to stay there- "coming home every once and a while to see the family"... WTF?!

Anyway, i was clearly pissed off with this and was asking what the hell he was going on about and what the hell had got in to him?!

It aroused my suspicsions so much- just knew something was off so I checked inline banking and there was a payment to slug and lettuce on sunday- he told me he went somewhere else with the bosses- however payment is not enough to be for dinnner, couple of drinks, makes me think he went there after the meal with ??? - he did not mention doing this.

I then checked the online account on t-mobile and I can see loads of texts to a number I don't know- you guessed it, since sunday night.....

I tried to ring the number but got voicemail.

Don't know what the fuck to do. We are supposed to be getting married in a matter of weeks. We have a beautiful dd, 19 months old :(

The more I think about his arrogance and entitled attitude, the more I think this is very unlikely to be his first infidelity Men like him often think nothing of cheating as long as they don't get caught.

Oh what a absolute twat for those comments today.
From what you wrote it looks to me like he only admitted it because he was so damn sure you wouldn't end it, forgive him and continue with the wedding :(
I've no doubt that you're not feeling the best at the moment but I hope you are OK and whether or not you feel it, you ARE a strong woman, it takes real guts and courage to do what you've done.
I agree with the others who have said that your DD will not be from a broken home - she will be from a home with a happy, calm, trusting mother who has more than enough self respect for herself. All the things you (probably) won't have if you continue to be with him after what he's done. And of course, she still has a father who starts using his real brain, not the one in his trousers can still be a Dad to her.
Start moving things forward, the quicker you do the better it will be. Let your Mum sort out the cancelling and telling people if you can't face it. You have absolutely NOTHING to be embarrassed about though. In fact you should tell his side yourself so that he doesn't get the chance to twist things/blame you.
Also I know it's not a very nice thought but you really should get yourself checked out at the STD clinic- sorry but necessary for your health :(

And remember, the wedding is just one day. What you're doing is ditching the idea of the marriage. You simply can't, in my opinion, enter a marriage on these terms.

And following on from Thumbwitch, do not marry a man who uses your DD and your love for her as a way of terrifying you.

In fact, get shot of him as fast as you can and make sure he has as little as possible to do with the DD as you can manage.

So grateful for all the support here. Really gives me a boost!

It's hard not to consider saving things, whether he can regain my trust, etc etc. have been looking at the relationship boards at stories of people who have recovered from affairs.... I am not naive enough to think things can be sorted out in the few weeks before the wedding, but maybe postpone it? Gives me more time to consider what I want.

Please don't hAte me for saying that, just saying how I am feeling and looking for advice and support...

Thanks again. I have eaten today so obviously feeling slightly better.

I think postponing the wedding would be an extremely sensible first step, to ensure that whatever decision you ultimately make is the right one for you - and not one you have been propelled into by virtue of a date having already been set.

However, in practical terms, a postponement and a cancellation are the same thing; I think it will be useful to send a clear message to him that you are not prepared to go into a marriage with him at this stage, whatever the future holds.

Yesterday he threatened you. Because you aren't doing what he wants, he took your daughter and used her presence to threaten you. You rang the police.

You may things can't be worse than they are now. You may hate how youf eel and want it to stop but you need to know that actually things can be a lot worse. Married to a man who sleeps around, who treats you with no respect, who threatens you would be much worse than the pain you feel now.

Think about your daughter. Say you put up with him cheating - and you wouldn't know about the shagging if you hadn't asked. You put up with threatening you. You take him back and what do you think her relationships with men will be like?

You really don't want to marry a man who cheats on you and then says to you "come on, you're not going to throw your wedding away are you". Someone who thinks like that isn't marriage material.

Similarly him pretending to take your daughter when he was angry with you for standing up to him. He doesn't have a line that he won't cross. He'll do what he wants as long as it suits him.

I dont think its unusual for you to consider saving things. You are clearly devastated. I think it's important to ask yourself whether you think he confessed through genuine guilt or whether its because he was about to be caught.

I think you need to have the conversation with him- get the details, however hard they are to hear. You need to know how he arrived where he did. I know not everyone will agree with me there, but i think it matters
Xx

of course it's natural for you to think there could be a way of saving things

not like this, though, not by a long, long way

Oh FFB, I feel so awful for you. :(

Thing is, you could maybe get past an affair if he was genuinely contrite, knew exactly how much harm he'd done, and knew how damn lucky he would be to get you back at all. Instead he's alternating between arrogance and rage when you don't do what he wants. He's sure you'll take him back, thinks you want the wedding too much to bin him now (!!!!). I'm actually wondering if he chose his timing carefully, making sure to leave it close to the wedding so that - in his mind - you'd feel unable to end it. And then when you don't take him straight into your arms, he pretends to abduct your little daughter in order to scare you. After that incomprehensibly vile behaviour, there's no apology he could make that I would believe.

i think the first thing in saving a marriage where an "affair" has taken place is sorrow from the other party and commitment to making the marriage work.

your partner is not showing those things. he is treating you like a silly girl for actually thinking about preserving your own dignity, sanity and self respect.

he is throwing his weight about. that is not the sign of a man who is sorry or committed.
it might feel easier to keep your head down and carry on now but in a few years i think you would rue the day you decided on that as a course of action.

he doesnt care enough about you.
yes people do survive affairs, but they have something stable to build on, i dont think you do, you have your DD, is that going to be enough when he does it again?
he said he would rather live away from you and visit you and DD for weekends ffs!!
is that what you would want for your DD? personally, while i can understand you exploring all the possibilities i think you would be mad to consider it at this stage.

what has he done to show you that he is sorry, remorseful, ashamed or what he did?

Of course you're going to wonder if you can save the relationship, that normal, natural.

The thing is its not up to you to save it, you did nothing wrong except be a loving supportive loyal faithful partner, it is up to him to do all the mending.

Nobody is going to hate you, it's just some of them will have beem where you are right now, and want to save you from more pain.

Look after yourself

Thing is, as a PP has said, there is no material difference between postponing and cancelling a wedding. So by all means call it postponing if it makes you feel better - but in effect you still need to cancel all your current arrangements.

Re. whether or not you can make it work - stop looking at other people's scenarios and look more closely at your own - there is more going on for you than a simple affair.

1. he said he would prefer to live apart from you and only come back periodically.
2. he cheated on you with weeks to go before you get married
3. he thinks this is ok and doesn't really matter
4. he put your DD's life in danger and caused you to think he had actually abducted her
5. he is patronising the hell out of you by assuming that your wedding day is more important to you than the marriage that would follow
6. he has no respect for you or your relationship
7. he is prepared to use your DD as a pawn to get his own way/control you
8. so far, you have not mentioned him being remotely contrite about the affair - if he truly wanted to make a go of things he should be down on his knees begging you to forgive him a moment's madness

If you can find another scenario like this in Relationships that has then gone on to a successful, faithful marriage, then maybe you can look at rebuilding your life with this "man" - but please do not continue to look at the "getting over an affair" threads as they are not that relevant to you now.

Supervised contact?!

What a horrid thing to suggest to a woman who is going through this trauma!

Supervised contact would indicate that there are "issues" with the Father caring for his daughter.

A CHILD SHOULD NEVER BE "USED" BY ONE PARENT AGAINST THE OTHER (USUALLY A MOTHER DOES THIS AGAINST THE FATHER) THOUGH.

Think of your daughter please.

Dont be a twat daddio, jeez

You don't think there are issues with a father speeding off with a 19mo in the car and appearing to be abducting his DD then, superdaddio?

There ARE issues - you clearly haven't read the thread!

Welcome to MN, Superdaddio. Is this your first post?

"don't be a twat, daddio"

that should be taken up as a slogan

Hey huni nobody will hate you, not any normal person anyway.
What you decide is your business, it's your life at the end of the day. We can only give our advice, opinions and experiences. If you feel that way then maybe you should read through the posts were it's happened to others to see what happened, how they dealt with it etc...
I know a few couples in RL that it's happened to, of those that tried to save it- can't say it's how it was before the betrayal but they are working hard on it, attend relate and other counselling too so that could be something to think about if you decide to go take him back.
Postponing the wedding sounds very sensible, I think it would be close to impossible to work out your feelings, needs and wants by the time the wedding comes around, it's not long is it? and if you go ahead with it and decide you don't want/can't be with him then you have a much harder exit and a lot more stress to deal with.
You deserve to be happy FFB but please really think it through, you don't need to do this for your daughter (with the best will in the world it won't work) It's not an easy thing to forgive, oh you can force yourself to never think about it, accept it was a mistake, but it eats away at you, destroys your confidence and trust, just bubbling away there waiting to explode. Imagine he's late home from work, won't answer his phone one day when you call etc... normal rational stuff yeah- your brain will go into overdrive and wham you're back there imagining him cheating again. He has to be ready for this too, HE caused it HE is responsible for it so has to take the shit for that no matter for how long.
I'm not a believer in "a leopard never changes it's spots" they can and often do but they have to be ready to do whatever it takes to make others believe and trust them.
Good luck FFB I hope things work out for you xxxxx

Superdaddio- read the full thread
Mum wasn't using the child, daddy was when he threatened not to return her and sped off. Hence the advice about supervised contact. Her daughter was exactly who she was thinking about.

ANYFUCKER :) quite catchy lol

Is the child not his as I didn't think you could you abduct your own child?

Arrgggh......can we please not allow this thread to be derailed by idiots? Lets all make a pact to ignore them!!!!!!