Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am definately leaving this time...10,20,50 times lucky...

176 replies

TiggersLikeToBounce · 30/04/2012 23:32

Firstly I like to sat I feel like a fraud! There are so many messages on here with persons in what I know are in a lot more difficult circumstances than mine.
I have been married for 11 months and with my husband for 4 years in total. We have no children. He is 36 I am 32.
Wow this is hard!
I have researched online about emotional abuse and it really hits home. My 'DH' does not hit me, he is not a monster. What he does do is stonewall me all the time. Over the most little things, sometimes for over a week..
Examples recently; I put the hoover in the wrong plug! I know sounds silly right...but when you live it, it is really crazy. He did not talk to me for 1 day over that.
I put the wrong cheese on my dinner...not his mine. By the way it was goats cheese not cheeder :-( 4 days of silence for that
I drank a bottle of rose in one night, very very unusal....he wanted me to see a doctor as I had a drinking problem. 1 week for this
The most recent exampe is I did not want to watch what he was and sat playing a game on my mobile...been 5 days and counting.
It goes on and on and on.

I have left him so many times, but always go back with the promise that things will chang, which they do for a few weeks. Everything I do seems to be never good enough, I feel like I am going mad.

We went to relate in Jan, I found them quite unhelpful. All it seemed to do was give him more things to be unhappy about.

I am so unhappy with him and so very very sad to leave him.

This is not normal is it? I feel like I am going mad

OP posts:
storytopper · 30/04/2012 23:47

Sorry you are going through this.

Was he like this before you married? Some people can be huffy but his silences are really excessive and over nothing. Wrong cheese on YOUR dinner?!

Why are you feeling sad about leaving him? You haven't stated his good points. Must be some for you to have married him.

Original poster
TiggersLikeToBounce · 30/04/2012 23:56

He was a little like this but not to the extent it is now that we are married.
It happens pretty much bi-weekly, where the atmosphere in the house is intolrable, over such minor things.
To be honest I am finding it hard to see any good points...
It seems that he is getting angrier and angrier with every mood, he was physical with our dog for the first time the other night and it frightned me. He loves her to bits :-(

OP posts:
Reelingandupset · 01/05/2012 00:08

He sounds really awful. I've just gone through this with someone stonewalling me and it's very very hard to deal with. They try to control you with the silences and it messes with your mind. I've now left the relationship and feeling better.

Please keep posting so we can try to help.

WhippingGirl · 01/05/2012 00:15

Have a look at my threads if u can and the EA ones. I know it doesn't feel like stonewalling should be as bad as violence but I know it felt like that to me. You will find a lot of EA survivors on here and I hope you can see some resolution for yourself soon x

AnyFucker · 01/05/2012 00:19

he hurt your dog ?

oh dear

he sounds like an arsehole of the highest order, and the embodiment of why it isn't recommended that joint counselling be undertaken with an abuser

that is what he is using...emotional and psychological abuse

just because he doesn't punch you, doesn't mean he isn't abusing you

can you live like this for the rest of your life...who would want to ?

Original poster
TiggersLikeToBounce · 01/05/2012 00:24

Thank you for the replies...it really does help to know there are people out there who might have an idea of what it is like.
I really think I was in denial for a long time...always apologising. At one time I was on my knees begging and crying for him to forgive me for something I had no idea I had done. That time I left I vowed never to return,... and here I am again and again. Weak!
Even now I am thinking if I just behave the way he wants everything will be fine..
It's just awful

OP posts:
Reelingandupset · 01/05/2012 00:28

If you do everything he wants, he'll feel great and you'll feel absolutely terrible. It can never work.

It sounds like classic EA. You now need to be validated. It's hard because you can't help doubting yourself when you've been through this - it's all part of it. I waver between outrage and then thinking I imagined it.

But you can do it. You can get out of this.

Just keep talking on here and reading and you'll get there.

Original poster
TiggersLikeToBounce · 01/05/2012 00:33

AF - No I do not want this for the rest of my life. Once he hurt our dog, I knew then I had to leave. My goodness though it is so hard, I keep doubting myself all the time.
That is why I am on here...trying to seek some impartial/knowlegable advice.
The last time I posted I was asking about adoption...another stonewall event its all so hard to write down.
Makes it so real and beyond words of the sadness

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 01/05/2012 00:36

If he's hurt the dog, he's building up to hurting you. Physically. He's probably already started a little bit of 'accidental' hurting such as bumping into you and treading on your feet. Dump his sorry arse as soon as possible. Best of luck.

tallwivglasses · 01/05/2012 00:40

Tiggers, I read you OP and had to scrape my jaw up off the fucking floor. Heed the advice on here, Please...

LondonKitty · 01/05/2012 00:42

You've no reason to stay, Tigger. Just go.

Do you have somewhere to go until you have the legal stuff sorted?

Original poster
TiggersLikeToBounce · 01/05/2012 00:51

I can honestly say he has never physically hurt me. When we went to relate she asked if there had been any violence.
He said 'No' I said 'Yes'. Its like he is punching me in my brain the whole time.
She made it out to be 50/50....He was an eeyore I was a tigger!! It was pretty awful really, he still uses the words she said in the sessions to this day.
EG; He is a silent deeply emotional person and I push him..
This was a time when I went out with some work friends (also rare) and I rang him to pick me up. It was 12:30am and I had a few to drink...giggly drunk he was fine we had pre-arranged it etc. The next night he just blanked me, I had no idea what was going on. It went on for 5 night, me begging, apeasing, nothing. God it sounds dreadful in the written word.
According to the therapist I pushed him into the silence with my demand for answers? well that was his interpretation

OP posts:
maras2 · 01/05/2012 00:52

Sweetie,please listen to these expert women ie.AF,SGB etc they know their stuff.Any bloke who could hurt an animal can hurt you.He's a very bad man.Surely you deserve better. Mx.

Original poster
TiggersLikeToBounce · 01/05/2012 00:53

Yes I have my parents and friends dog and I can go to...
We own a house together though

OP posts:
tb · 01/05/2012 01:02

My 'd'm was like this. It's hell.

KatieMiddleton · 01/05/2012 01:13

He makes you unhappy. Leave. You deserve more.

FWIW I lived with a nobber who treated me like crap. When I left it felt like a weight had been lifted. Then I met dh who is the total opposite. I can remember ex commenting that dh was "a mug for doing what you want". Actually dh is no push over but he's not an insecure arse who needs to be the boss regardless.

Get out. Get some space. You've tried to make it work but it hasn't. There is life after a crappy relationship.

LondonKitty · 01/05/2012 01:13

The house can be sorted when you get some legal advice. In the meantime, there is no reason on earth why you need to put up with that sort of boll*s. You are miserable. Go, and be happy!

Aussiebean · 01/05/2012 01:58

It would be interesting to see how long the silent treatment will last after you have left.

Just go, he is not speaking to you so why should you speak to him. See how long it takes for him to notice you, the dog and some clothes are gone. Then see if he starts talking again. And the only words you need to say to him are what your solicitor has said needs doing.

It is incredibly controlling of him, so here is you chance to take back that control. You will be amazed at how calm you feel when you don't spend all day in a state of anxiety.

It worries me when you say 'if only I behaved differently.'
What you are actually saying is.... 'If only I wasn't me' if you can't be you in a marriage you will never be happy.

Good luck

NicNocJnr · 01/05/2012 02:45

Agree - go to your friends while you sort out the separation.

I'm not surprised relate were unhelpful as they full story was probably not getting through - did he run it through his filter? Maybe amend your answers to fit too?

The crux seems to be you know he is a bona fide emotional abuser, you are aware of his modus operandi and have already made the decision (the only sensible one) to leave - now what's happening is your conditioning is kicking in and reminding you of all the times 'you pushed his buttons', 'you pushed him into...

The thing is about abusive relationships is we often fail to take into account our own issues and how they may work against us. Abusive is so very effective when you are vulnerable and any small flaw will be levered open to make you that way. Someone loving us can seem worth fighting for.

You love him? Do you love him or do you love how he is when he is happy because you are doing what he wants? You've danced the 'sorry' dance - you left, he was sorry, all was rainbows and unicorn smiles until he got you back to where you were and it started again. He wont change. You will though.

You need to leave and take care of yourself. Maybe he'll realise he needs to deal with what makes him like this, maybe he'll just move on to another woman. Whatever happens you deserve much, much more than you are getting.

Reach out to friends that are your friends, confide in and lean on people that support this move. Distance yourself from any that question it or advise going back - they don't know what went on behind the closed doors of their 'charming' 'kind' 'lovely' friend. It does takes more strength to break away from this kind of relationship but you do have it and what he's prepared to offer you, give of himself, is not worth staying for.

I left with nothing physical to my name but if the choice was to stay or to sleep on the streets I would have slept there. You can make up lost ground asset wise but you can never replace a life lost/wasted in misery.

JosieZ · 01/05/2012 05:46

There is something far wrong with this guy. He is concocting reasons to blank you. The reasons are trivial and don't really exist so you are in a no win situation.

OP, you sound like you are at the end of the line so no going back now. Just be calm and brave and start making the moves for a permanent separation, sad though that is, I think you know you have no other option. Probably best to speak to a lawyer before you move out rather than risk making things harder for you in the long run by doing the wrong thing.

tribpot · 01/05/2012 07:01

At the very least you need to rehome your dog to a place of safety, but in reality you know you need that too. It sounds absolutely awful, you must be doubting your own sanity when someone can refuse to speak to you for days on end over the friggin' cheese you put on your meal.

You can't ever make everything right with this guy just by behaving the way he wants (even if that sounded like the basis for a healthy relationship, which it does not) - he wants to find fault. And will literally choose anything that allows him to do so. The plug in the wrong socket? Per-lease.

It's considered destructive to have joint counselling with an abuser, btw, so I don't think your experience with the counsellor is (a) unusual or (b) worth taking seriously.

pictish · 01/05/2012 07:08

"Even now I am thinking if I just behave the way he wants everything will be fine.."

It won't be fine. No-one should have to live like that, and anyway, his demands will just become ever more outlandish and petty and the behaviour he uses to punish you will just get worse. Give him an inch etc etc....

His behaviour is designed to absolve him of all responsibility and make YOu do the running. There you are begging and apologising over some trifling piece of pish, that wouldn't bother a well adjusted person in the least. As you say, sometimes you don't even know WHY you are apologising!

All that matters to him is that you are taking the blame and going out of your way to please him. It's called being controlling.

AbigailAdams · 01/05/2012 08:15

"Even now I am thinking if I just behave the way he wants everything will be fine.."

No, no it won't because he will constantly move those goal posts. What was good behaviour one week will be punishable behaviour another week. It will never be fine, ever. Nothing you do will ever be good enough. And that is not because of you, that is because he is a controlling and abusive man. Leave him to it.

Mumsyblouse · 01/05/2012 08:51

Please please give yourself permission to be happy and leave this man. Getting physical with a dog? Blanking you for days so you become hysterical? This is an awful way to live, you are young, and you don't have to do this anymore. YOu just don't. As others have said, go to a real-life friend or family and start again. Please get out of this emotional torture, you deserve to be happy (I actually feel quite upset thinking about someone treating you like this over a wrong plug or cheese, you poor thing).

Mumsyblouse · 01/05/2012 08:53

Your therapist sounds terrible by the way. There couldn't be an action in the world that would justify not speaking to you for five nights. It's a form of psychological torture. Luckily I think you know they were crap, and that you need to leave.