Am definately leaving this time...10,20,50 times lucky...

[TiggersLikeToBounce]

Firstly I like to sat I feel like a fraud! There are so many messages on here with persons in what I know are in a lot more difficult circumstances than mine.
I have been married for 11 months and with my husband for 4 years in total. We have no children. He is 36 I am 32.
Wow this is hard!
I have researched online about emotional abuse and it really hits home. My 'DH' does not hit me, he is not a monster. What he does do is stonewall me all the time. Over the most little things, sometimes for over a week..
Examples recently; I put the hoover in the wrong plug! I know sounds silly right...but when you live it, it is really crazy. He did not talk to me for 1 day over that.
I put the wrong cheese on my dinner...not his mine. By the way it was goats cheese not cheeder :-( 4 days of silence for that
I drank a bottle of rose in one night, very very unusal....he wanted me to see a doctor as I had a drinking problem. 1 week for this
The most recent exampe is I did not want to watch what he was and sat playing a game on my mobile...been 5 days and counting.
It goes on and on and on.

I have left him so many times, but always go back with the promise that things will chang, which they do for a few weeks. Everything I do seems to be never good enough, I feel like I am going mad.

We went to relate in Jan, I found them quite unhelpful. All it seemed to do was give him more things to be unhappy about.

I am so unhappy with him and so very very sad to leave him.

This is not normal is it? I feel like I am going mad

Life changing day tomorrow. I am all packed up with all my most treasured possessions and my mum is coming over in the morning to help load up all my stuff.
I think 1 car will be enough but she wants to help...My dad is off buying things to dog proof their garden. They have been brilliant. I showed my mum this post and she cried.
Something Nic said hit home to her about having someone to pull me back just as hard as he is pulling. She has vowed to do that.
Sitting in my lounge for more than likely the last time. Feeling strong but am dreading tomorrow when he gets home.
I have told everyone that I do not want to see him at all. I am not confident enough yet.
Luckily, this weekend I have my dear friends wedding. It is a couple of 100 miles away so a mini break will do me good. My brother is being my plus one :)
Just as I am writing this, DH has text me again. A plain and simple 'xxx'
I will ignore

I have had many wobbles today. I had to pull my car over briefly as a wave of emotion engulfed me. My friend says I am greiving...and I suppose I am. Greiving for the man I thought I married

oh, love

you are doing the right thing, as hard as it is

your parents sound FanFuckingTastic < waves at Tigger's mum >

stay away from your H, you must do this

have some space from him, from the pressure....you desperately need it

Well done Tigger, I hope tomorrow night you will be tucking in to dinner with any goddamn type of cheese on you want.

:) tribpot

I can also read a book, watch tv, go for a run with my dog, slob on the couch, eat as little or as much as I want, drink what I want, play a game, clean the house, leave it messy, see friends, be spontaneous, be idle, be active...BE ANYTHING I WANT.

All the above and more has been met with days of anger and silence on his part.
Nothing was ever good enough
He loved the word 'addiction'. He used it a lot on me, I was addicted to pretty much anything you can think of. TV, cola, cheese, reading, games, laptop, drink, running, horses.
Its a powerful word addiction - I know now I am not addicted to anything. I am just a normal person trying to live my life to the best I can.

I will keep reading all the previous posts, they really help when I wobble

Both my parents are dead; can I have yours?! What amazing people, you are very lucky.

Keep on ignoring his texts and emails, and don't take his calls. Write everything down and make sure you keep all his efforts at communication.

Sleep well tonight; sweet dreams. Tomorrow is the first day of your new life!

Tigger, good luck to you.

Here's to the rest of your life .

Your parents rock.

Good luck tomorrow. I understand it's hard, but when I read your post about addiction I just know you are doing the right thing, and I think you will enjoy your freedom.

Tigger, cheese addiction is a very serious problem - I will look for the details of the legendary Cheese-Eaters (and Readers) Anonymous for you. I think you should stand up in your parents' house tomorrow night and say "I'm Tigger, and I'm a cheese-eater".

Lol at trib. Three cheers for your mum and dad Tigger. Let them help you and pull you back and away from this mind-bending man. Texting you kisses? ffs.

My ex used to do this. Disappear leaving me sobbing and wailing and angry whilst also worried about him, then text something short but apparently loving and emotional...just to reel me back in again. First class abusive knob.

I am hugely impressed by your strength and bravery in packing up your old kit bag and packing him in. Of course you'll wobble. Not for long though. Life will be your own again.

Be prepared for begging or outrage or tears from him. They might come. Engage absolutely as little as possible. Be calm rational and factual. If you need to cry do it out of his sight.

Good luck for tomorrow. And once again, well done. And a big squeeze to your lovely M and D.

Tigger - your post has made my night. Possibly my whole week!

Tomorrow will be hard but it will also be great. Terrible and terrific. But so worth it. Full on props to your parents for stepping up to support you as they are.

I hope you enjoy the wedding. Jusy imagine how you can let loose and be yourself, no restraints, no judgment and promises of words behind closed doors. Whoot! Go Tiggers - the wonderful thing about Tiggers is Tigers is wonderful things! Aww...kitkat time.

Just caught this thread.

Good luck tomorrow OP

Just read the whole thread. So much good advice and support.

Well done Tigger and good luck tomorrow.

Good Luck tomorrow Tigger. Your parents sound fabulous. take care x

I've been lurking & just want to say how amazingly strong you have been & good luck tomorrow. It's wonderful that your family are rallying round to support you & most importantly stop you wavering. Let us know how it goes. (Ignore texts!!!)

Just another one sending my best wishes to you.

I don't for a second think he will make this easy but I do know you have wonderful support both here and in RL.

Good luck, keep strong and remember you deserve the best and if he isn't going to give you his best then he isn't worth the dirt on your shoe.

I'm a lurker, best of luck tomorrow! What a lovely feeling to be able to be YOU again without anybody criticising every choice.
xx

Happy Leaving Day Tigger!

I hope the move goes well for you. The wobbles are normal so accept them but don't give in to them. You are well on your way to your wonderful new life! I'm excited for you, it's so so much nicer on the 'other side'

Best of luck Tigger, we can be here to pull you this way as well.

Good luck today Tigger

Leave. I'm so not into telling people what to do but I do fear for you. There is a handbook produced by Women's Aid which has a list of the behaviours that constitute domestic abuse. Your story sounds like you'd be ticking a good few. Controlling is abuse. Be grateful you don't have children as it complicates things so much. My ex stopped me having a male voice on my Sat Nav. Bought me perfume I could only wear when I was with him. I had to do a runner with my children one morning 250 miles away. Our divorce was the worst three years of my life and cost me £33k in solicitors and barristers fees as he broke pretty much every court order going. I took his barrister to tribunal for her awful behaviour too. It took years to get that bad - we were married 13 years. But it starts with the small stuff and you compromise and it becomes normal and then you look back and wonder how the hell it got so bad. Complaining about the wrong cheese on your dinner is not normal. Hurting the dog is not normal. It will get worse. Leave and don't ever go back. So much for not telling someone what to do eh!

Good luck Tigger, I have just read the whole thread, and you are doing the right thing. I thankfully have no experience of what you are going through, but there are sadly lots of posters here with good advice for you.

So pleased your parents and family are behind you, you will be fine, and read back this thread at sometime in your future, and know you did the right thing.

Have some now and later.

Just read the thread and wanted to offer more support - you are definitely doing the right thing. This guy is an absolute wanker and you need to get out now. I hope the move went well. Stay strong Tigger!

I hope your on the sofa with tea (and maybe a cheese sandwich?) watching the dog in the newly dogproofed garden. Check in when you can, and don't let him weasel his way back in!

I hope you are settled in and safe.

The longer you stay away, the stronger you will feel, as the 'you' which has been surpressed is able to come back.
and soon you will not ever be able to imagine going back to him and his spell will be broken. He will probably still infuriate you, he may still really frighten you, but you will be past the point where you risk going back.

remember the cycle though - he will be nice, he will be sorry, he will say he will do anything, he will be depressed, suicidal even, he will be angry and he will be threatening, and then he may start back with being nice.

The nice is the most dangerous to you in the early stages, until you have managed to detach from him and see him for what he is. See if you can get a copy of Why Does he Do That, by Lundy Bancroft and read it in the meantime. You will recognise him in there, and there are useful chapters which give you advice on breaking up. Thank god you dont have children or you would be tied to him, at least you have the chance that you never need see him again once everything is sorted out.

try to remain calm and detached in any correspondance. Try not to get drawn into fights or debate or discussion - he is a king of manipulation and you are still vulnerable. You dont want to get caught up in his games. If possible have someone else present any time you need to speak to him and keep phone on speaker phone or limited to texts so you have a record. If he gets nasty do not hesitate to call the police and take out a non molestation order.

And good luck for your wonderful new life xxxxx