Am definately leaving this time...10,20,50 times lucky...

[TiggersLikeToBounce]

Firstly I like to sat I feel like a fraud! There are so many messages on here with persons in what I know are in a lot more difficult circumstances than mine.
I have been married for 11 months and with my husband for 4 years in total. We have no children. He is 36 I am 32.
Wow this is hard!
I have researched online about emotional abuse and it really hits home. My 'DH' does not hit me, he is not a monster. What he does do is stonewall me all the time. Over the most little things, sometimes for over a week..
Examples recently; I put the hoover in the wrong plug! I know sounds silly right...but when you live it, it is really crazy. He did not talk to me for 1 day over that.
I put the wrong cheese on my dinner...not his mine. By the way it was goats cheese not cheeder :-( 4 days of silence for that
I drank a bottle of rose in one night, very very unusal....he wanted me to see a doctor as I had a drinking problem. 1 week for this
The most recent exampe is I did not want to watch what he was and sat playing a game on my mobile...been 5 days and counting.
It goes on and on and on.

I have left him so many times, but always go back with the promise that things will chang, which they do for a few weeks. Everything I do seems to be never good enough, I feel like I am going mad.

We went to relate in Jan, I found them quite unhelpful. All it seemed to do was give him more things to be unhappy about.

I am so unhappy with him and so very very sad to leave him.

This is not normal is it? I feel like I am going mad

You're not making it up, look at your friends' reactions.

You're off tomorrow? Good. Make sure you get copies of all documents, financial, personal etc. I know no kids involved, but it will come in handy.

Listen to very good friend who advised you not to see him alone, too. Look after yourself.

Good luck.

So sorry to mention IVF. I meant adoption - or the children issue anyway. Apologies.

The churning feelings, sickness and anger are all very normal but horrid to experience. i hope there is perhaps a tiny tinge of excitement and relief in the mix somewhere too. Your friends sound honest kind and supportive. Lean on them as much as possible. You need to be surrounded by people who love and care for you.

If he does the shock and remorse act, ignore. Remain factual and unemotional in dealing with him.

If he gets nasty, do exactly the same.

Stonewalling is hideous. Soul-destroying. Pointless. Life is for living. Life is for putting everything in the fridge upside-down, for laughing, for putting elephant dung on your tea if you fancy it. Hold your diary close, refer to it in moments of doubt to remind yourself of the lucky escape you are giving yourself.

I wish you so much luck.

YOur friend is right to warn you to shy away from being alone with him

a man that hurts animals and has employed this level of emotional abuse in the past is quite likely to step up to physical violence once he realises he has lost control of you

communicate on practical matters through email and nothing else, please take our advice on this

And on yet another thread i see that a counsellor has not recognised or refused to recognise abuse when its right in front of them. Isnt it about time that a complaint was made to Relate or something? i mean a complaint from a group or something.
These counsellors are almost no they ARE colluding in the abuse FFS.

it is certainly very worrying, carer

how come we all know that joint counselling where one partner is abusive is a no-no but these professionals keep doing it anyway ?

Cynically, they probably continue to offer it because they get paid.

Tiggers - are you planning on leaving tomorrow permanently, or just for a while?

I hope it is permanent. Keep speaking to your friends if you feel you are wavering or wondering if you have imagined how bad it is. It speaks volumes that they are pleased you are going.

What do your parents think?

Tigger, I understand you think you love this man. Maybe you do. But this relationship is sick and rotten. It won't become normal, ever. Please go. Yes, it will hurt and you will miss him, but one morning you will wake up and feel so free. Like a massive stone has been lifted from your shoulders - no need to wonder any more, what you might have done wrong this time. It feels so much better than being in a sick relationship, I promise!

I was just going to write your exact post, carenotasaint. WHY do Relate not have extensive training in abusive relationships? They did so much damage to my emotional health when I saw them with ex.

The thing is, they even KNEW there was abuse as the reason we were there was because of a violent incident.

They told him that he was responsible for not attacking me, and I was responsible for not winding him up!!

He twisted and used everything in the sessions to further abuse me, as I now know is common.

Abuse training should be mandatory for Relate counsellors!

For once, fertility problems have a good side - you don't have DC with this freak, so leaving will be less complicated (though still hard of course). I call him a freak because he is! Refusing to talk to you because you put a certain type of cheese on your own meal? Mean WTAF?! It'd be no concern of his if you put a dog turd on top of your own food and ate it!

Stop all this inner talk about acting the way he wants would make him ice and normal again. Ask yourself this instead: would YOU treat someone the way he treats you? Do you know anyone who would treat anyone else like this? No, of course you don't, because he is an abuser and sounds mentally ill, by the sounds of it (not saying that all Mh sufferers are abusers; I suffer from severe depression and would never be like that). Other posters are so right when they warn you that his violence towards the dog is the start of him escalating into violence towards you. He has you where he wants you with the emotional abuse and now he wants to take you to another level; he is introducing violence into your home and waiting to make sure you will still stay and tolerate it and then he can slowly start to physically abuse you too. I bet he'll start to get more demanding and aggressive sexually too.

You must leave! The reactions of those close to you shows how everyone thinks he is a monster. Please go, this man is no good for you. And never will be. Or for anyone else. That counsellor sounds a bit rubbish too, btw!

I wanted to check in see how you were I'm glad I've seen your post but...

I just hope I can be strong and go through with leaving...it is so hard. As someone says I love him for the man he used to be.

God this scares me. Don't get me wrong I see my thoughts of old reflected back off every letter BUT learn from the mistakes of us that went before. That comment is not you, not the real you. The you that loves herself, values her own worth and opinions. That is him, look at that sentence after all you have written before, all you feel and then look again and see if you can see him coiled around every word. This is what he's done to you - you doubt if you can do this, because it's hard and you can't really do anything properly can you?

He is away, that's great. Get as much sorted as you can, really get your momentum going because I know you fear what will happen when he gets back. You need to be in a place where you can only go forward, there is no choice to stay when he tries his dirty games on you.
The easiest way to do this is to have somebody you trust, that is fully informed pulling you away from him as hard as he is pulling you back because then if you waver a little someone is there to take up the slack and if you are resolute there is someone adding their weight to yours.
It would actually be easier for him to go silent on you - if you make it mean you have room for your own thoughts and to develop your exit strategy. But please make sure you do not hesitate to just leave the house IMMEDIATELY I MEAN IT - if you think he knows about you planning to leave or has found out and it even starts going badly - do not listen to him, do not try to reason with him or make it better. Call the police and run - it doesn't matter where as long as there are other people.

I had an entire tank of fish killed as a punishment for something I did. Then (this was my dad actually - he was my abuser) he bought me a puppy, the only thing I've ever wanted, he bought me my very own wee border collie. He killed that puppy and made me watch to teach me a lesson. He beat the shit out of me because I wouldn't quit my noise (I was an 8 year old that had just seen her only companion stamped to death - of course I screamed and cried). He broke my back that night, threw me down the stairs, stamped on me etc. But before then the only way he hadn't abused me was by hitting.

No action on his part is 'innocent' or just a one time thing- he is pushing you and starting to escalate. None of the ways he has of 'punishing' you are ok - he has controlled you financially, used mental and verbal cruelty, has he punished you or other wise manipulated sex with you? (please don't feel you must answer here I just want you to reflect) if at any point you said no and you ended up doing it anyway - he controlled/abused/punished you with sex. What's left is physical violence. If he has ever used inappropriate tactics in the bedroom I would advice guarding against sexual violence being used against you.

I know you say he's never been violent - but he has it just hasn't involved hitting you - he has used ever escaltaing levels of violence against you, right now he has very little option on how to escalate when he gets mad you're thinking for yourself finally.

Be Safe. Be Strong. Be Resolute - YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Your counsellor sounds appalling, I'm constantly horrified on here by tales of Relate counsellors not recognising abusive and controlling behaviour. Your dh sounds extremely controlling. I also think you could be at risk of physical harm - hurting a pet is a major red flag. Don't let him know about this post or that you are thinking of leaving him.

Sorry wobbled a bit on that one - also didn't see the posts just above all making excellent and sound points. Stupid refresh not refreshing!!

See - I consider myself in a good place. Happy marriage to a man that is just...amazing. A real honest-to-goodness decent loving man. I have never felt the happiness he makes me feel before in my life- everyday for 10 years! And yet, I still go back to that fear sometimes - that last post was frankly - panic. For you and where this would go and I sort of couldn't breathe for a minute and had to know you were out. And, and, and - because I was 16 when I found my courage to say no and so everyday from the day I was born I was broken down and I still find odd little places that aren't ''fixed''. I desperately want you to never be that broken. I'm so relieved to hear you're out tomorrow. And I agree the reaction of your friends should speak volumes!

christ almighty, Nic, your post has chilled me to the bone x

Sorry!

Yes he was a bit of a bastard - but I've had the last laugh because I have an amazing life now.
It took a long time to feel that men were worth a second glance as they are all c@nts anyway. But boy DH was worth the wait - I kind of want to hire him out as a therapy spouse (like my dogs went on to be PAT dogs...HAT maybe husbands as therapy??) because I still shake my head at how...normal and nice he is. Mental!

I wish that I could save every child and show every woman, man whoever that it doesn't have to be this way - people can be good and do things for you because they think you are worth doing things for, you being happy makes them happy, your hurt is their hurt - both that you are worth those things and people will give them with no agenda or ulterior motive (ok, DH does get a bit nicer if he fancies a take away but that I can live with).

Mostly I wish I could go back - I could find that child I was and show her that she is more of a human being than him and he can never, ever break her beyond repair and he is powerless if she can listen to the voice he is trying to drown out. I wish someone would have taken my hand and protected me and told me that if I can take the second step I would be free. But I can't do that. I can just try and tell other people that you can see things so clearly from the other side and even though they can't see it now they need to trust, take a leap of faith and follow the leads of the people that have trod the path before and can see a picture they can't quite see yet.

I don't always do it well. But I'm just one more on side and you can never have too many supporters I guess?

Nic, a bit of a bastard?? I can't even imagine what kind of monster does what you have described!

a "bit of a bastard" ? An understatement...

very glad you are in a better place now, Nic

NicNocJnr -of all the hideous things I've ever read on here none have made me cry real life tears but your sharing that bit of your childhood has. So glad you've found happiness.

OP - I sincerely hope that you get out and stay out, what you're going through is utterly horrible and unacceptable.

I mean can any of us here ever see ourselves doing that to anyone? I sincerely doubt it so it's not acceptable for this twunt to be fabricating misdemeanours (in his eyes) and meeting out his punishment.

Apologies peeps. I didn't mean to upset anyone, I'm sorry. Just think of the happy ending!

Tigger - I hope you have a chance to get back on here at some point and update us. If not I'll still be here thinking about you and hoping everything is going better than expected and you are seeing the clouds clear.

Good luck for everything.

No need for apologies, Nic. These things need putting out there !

Nic Noc ive only just seen your post. It had me in tears. What a MONSTER to do that to the animals you loved and then to beat you the way he did.
Im so glad you are happy now.
AF is right these things need putting out there.

Thank you all once again for the support it really does help. Reading all the posts makes me cry as it all just gets too much sometimes.

Just a quick update. I am at work this morning but leaving shortly, I have taken the rest of the week off. H is back tomorrow but not sure what time as there as been 0 communication between us.
My dad is helping me to pack up my things that i need immediately and I am moving into my parents for the foreseeable future. My mum is also taking the day off tomorrow.

I do not want to see him at all....yet! I know that I am too weak at the moment, and I am frightened I will crumble...AGAIN.

I am seeing CAB tuesday for advice etc.

Dog is obviously also coming with me

It all just so so so sad. I have a knot inside me that is just churning away and I am not sure I can be strong, but with my friends and family with me I know I can do it.

However, every now and then I have this overwhelming feeling I am blowing this all out of propotion. Am I crazy, am I that bad? FFS this episode was due to the fact I did not want to watch a film and was on the laptop instead. In his eyes I was neglecting him. It was also my fault that he lashed out at Dog. I should/could have prevented it if I only treated him how a proper wife should.
It's all much a mess

Just to say Nic your post really hit home. I showed it to my mum, and she will be my resolve and extra weight when he comes home. Along with my dad, brother and all my friends.

I am so frightened to think of what he might do, but as long as me and dog are safe he can burn the house down..

"It was also my fault that he lashed out at Dog. I should/could have prevented it if I only treated him how a proper wife should."
This is really scarey, you really need to get some good counselling for yourself. It is not your fault he lashed out at the dog. You shouldn't be only allowed to act in a certain way otherwise you or the dog will be hurt.
This thinking is very dangerous and you need to work on improving it. You are a valid human being.
You should not be afraid for yourself or others, nothing about your behaviour justifies violence. Violence is never justified (restraint sometime in exceptional circumstances but never violence).

Please start to value yourself more.