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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am definately leaving this time...10,20,50 times lucky...

176 replies

TiggersLikeToBounce · 30/04/2012 23:32

Firstly I like to sat I feel like a fraud! There are so many messages on here with persons in what I know are in a lot more difficult circumstances than mine.
I have been married for 11 months and with my husband for 4 years in total. We have no children. He is 36 I am 32.
Wow this is hard!
I have researched online about emotional abuse and it really hits home. My 'DH' does not hit me, he is not a monster. What he does do is stonewall me all the time. Over the most little things, sometimes for over a week..
Examples recently; I put the hoover in the wrong plug! I know sounds silly right...but when you live it, it is really crazy. He did not talk to me for 1 day over that.
I put the wrong cheese on my dinner...not his mine. By the way it was goats cheese not cheeder :-( 4 days of silence for that
I drank a bottle of rose in one night, very very unusal....he wanted me to see a doctor as I had a drinking problem. 1 week for this
The most recent exampe is I did not want to watch what he was and sat playing a game on my mobile...been 5 days and counting.
It goes on and on and on.

I have left him so many times, but always go back with the promise that things will chang, which they do for a few weeks. Everything I do seems to be never good enough, I feel like I am going mad.

We went to relate in Jan, I found them quite unhelpful. All it seemed to do was give him more things to be unhappy about.

I am so unhappy with him and so very very sad to leave him.

This is not normal is it? I feel like I am going mad

OP posts:
NicNocJnr · 04/05/2012 00:15

Just checking in Tigger so you can see I've been thinking of you.

I hope you get some rest and re-charge your batteries. I hope today went well and I hope we hear good news from you.

Will check in tomorrow x

carernotasaint · 04/05/2012 00:39

Hi Tigger just popping my head in to see how you are. Hope you get a good nights sleep and i will look in tommorow too xx

AllOverIt · 04/05/2012 06:21

Good luck! Thinking of you today Smile

Jux · 04/05/2012 08:14

Hi Tigger, how goes it?

NicNocJnr · 04/05/2012 21:13

Hoping all is well.

AllOverIt · 05/05/2012 11:01

Hope you're enjoying yourself at the wedding Smile

unavailable · 06/05/2012 15:03

Hi Tigger, I hope things are going well for you. Come back and give us an update when you have time. There are lots of people on here wishing you well.

AllOverIt · 08/05/2012 14:05

Any news?

ThereGoesTheYear · 09/05/2012 13:34

Just checking how you are? Been lurking but thinking about you and wishing you well.

Original poster
TiggersLikeToBounce · 09/05/2012 13:44

Sorry I have not been on for a while.

I was away for the weekend at my friends wedding and have been visiting other friends round the country. Only got back to my parents yesterday.

I am still there, not met-up with him yet. Been to CAB and reading all the information from them. Need to make appointments with various solicitors and hopefully get 30min free consultations.
I have arranged to see H on Saturday to run through what to do with the house etc. He seems bewildered as to why this is happenting from the texts, voicemails I have received

It has been the hardest thing but I am finally getting some sleep. I also seem to have picked up a nasty chest infection :(

OP posts:
NicNocJnr · 09/05/2012 14:39

Glad you're back safe and mostly sound - yuk for the chest though, pretty miserable. Stress doesn't help us at all - however this peak of contact stress about the house and the other details will fade into the wash when you finally settle and feel the other boot come down and just relax properly relax, chronically relax even and you will see why it was worth it.

I would stick to non-commital answers. Factual, to the point and about the 'business' matters now. He knows why, he's just readying up his assault on your defences. Be prepared, shut him down and keep your professional head on. The solicitors may well make that academic. I would still please take a third party with you, however awkward it feels, when you meet.

Hope the wedding was lovely and the visits (apart from the chest of course). Will have to hop off now sorry for perfunctory greeting but had a bit of a rocky morning and have to shape up before little miss gets bored with the see what daddy's got for lunch routine they do everyday - answer, the same as you small person.
I've been hoping you'd check in soon.

ashesgirl · 09/05/2012 15:33

Glad you are ok Tigger and managed to stay away. You're doing really well.

Get better soon.

mrspepperpotty · 09/05/2012 18:57

Thanks for checking back in Tigger. Good luck with the meeting on Sat - stay strong!

Mumsyblouse · 09/05/2012 19:58

Tigger, thanks for updating, glad you are busy.

Getting sick is you letting go, I often find once the stress has peaked, you get ill, you must be quite run down.

If you ever start to wobble and wonder why you left H, just reread this thread and remember what it was like to live somewhere where everything you did was in the wrong. It is not wrong to remember the good times, but if you need a reminder of the bad, sadly it is on this thread.

Good luck.

AllOverIt · 09/05/2012 20:27

Glad to hear that you're still strong, despite the chest Sad

Is someone going to be with you when you see him on Sat?

Jux · 09/05/2012 22:22

It's horrid being ill, but this too shall pass. Mumsyblouse is dead right, your body has relaxed enough and wants a little time to itself. Don't push it, give yourself as much rest as you can over the next few days; you're going to be busy for a while once the ball starts , so try to rest while you can.

I know this might be hard - but if you don't manage to get advice from CAB or a solicitor (more important) in the next couple of days, and really don't feel up to seeing him on Saturday a simple text saying you're ill, contagious and can't make it is entirely understandable and acceptable.

Good luck with it all.

AnyFucker · 09/05/2012 22:26

take your time, tigger, take as much time as you need

Aussiebean · 10/05/2012 01:47

Hi Tigger

So happy to hear from you and to know that you are away, safe and enjoying your life. Apart from the being sick thing.

It's a bit like teachers. They mostly get sick during the holidays because they are so stressed during term that their body goes into survival mode. It would not be good to be sick. But as soon as they can relax their body relaxes too and starts to fight the bugs. I would imagine your body was looking after you while stressed and now it is relaxing and getting rid of everything toxic in your body.

Good luck on the weekend. My 2p worth would be, if at all possible, to print out the text messages or emails that you sent him trying to get him to talk. Keep it in your back pocket when you see him. If he starts on at you that you gave up, or never tried to talk to him etc you don't have to say anything, don't have to engage but hand it to him. Tell him that you weren't the one not talking and he had years to talk to you but chose not to. And if he loved you he wouldn't have waited until you left to start.

Of course you don't have to say I what have written. You have your own style and probably have other things you may want to say.... Or not say ( there is something to be said for not engaging at this stage) but he can't deny the evidence. He can't gas light (change history) and it will give you that little extra confidence in the face of a bombardment.

The reason I say this is because when you were getting ready to leave he sent that text about how sad he was that you weren't talking to each other. When in reality it was him who wasn't talking but he was trying to change history to give you the blame.

Good luck and let us know how it goes. We all have fingers and toes crossed.

Original poster
TiggersLikeToBounce · 14/05/2012 09:58

Just an update - I did not go to see him in the end.
I was just feeling rotten with the chest infection and I knew I was not mentally strong enough to resist just going back home.
I can not put into words how hard this has been, I go from knowing this is the right thing to do, to wanting to just going back to the life I have left.
I have taken some time off of work and going out to visit my brother in San Fransico.
A couple of weeks away is just what I need I think. Feels like I am running away but I just can't think straight here.
Parents have been awesome, friends have been brilliant. Thank god for them

I can not even imagine how hard it is without a support network for some persons out there

I would also like to thank all of you who posted. It really does help x

OP posts:
ashesgirl · 14/05/2012 10:18

Well done, tigger. Trip away will be great. It's not running away, just giving you a much-needed break.

Have you read much about traumatic bonding? Probably explains why you want to go back to him at times. All very normal in the circumstances.

NettleTea · 14/05/2012 14:39

So pleased to hear this. well done Tigger. You are not running away, you are taking the time you need to recover from him before you finally find your strength again.
Have a wonderful time in San Francisco, its a wonderful city

TimeForMeAndDD · 14/05/2012 14:47

Well done Tigger Smile

You are amazingly strong! Enjoy your time in San Francisco.

midwife99 · 14/05/2012 14:53

Well done love it's not easy I know. X

Jux · 14/05/2012 19:41

Oh that is excellent, Tigger. I'm glad you didn't go, you need to be physically fine before you are are face to face with him.

EVEN MORE EXCELLENT is that you are going away! And for such a brilliant holiday, SF and your brother. Who could ask for more?!

You're a strong woman. You're doing the right thing. One day you'll look back, and wonder why on earth you wasted time with the arse. It'll come, never fear.

dondon33 · 14/05/2012 20:36

Just read this thread from start to finish and wanted to say what a brave, strong person you are Tigger and an inspiration to others who are sat at home right now going through the same shit that you were.
Well done for making such a hard decision but I'm sure you will agree it was 100% the right one.
Have a fab time visiting your brother and good luck with the rest of your happy dick free life xxxxx

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