Am definately leaving this time...10,20,50 times lucky...

[TiggersLikeToBounce]

Firstly I like to sat I feel like a fraud! There are so many messages on here with persons in what I know are in a lot more difficult circumstances than mine.
I have been married for 11 months and with my husband for 4 years in total. We have no children. He is 36 I am 32.
Wow this is hard!
I have researched online about emotional abuse and it really hits home. My 'DH' does not hit me, he is not a monster. What he does do is stonewall me all the time. Over the most little things, sometimes for over a week..
Examples recently; I put the hoover in the wrong plug! I know sounds silly right...but when you live it, it is really crazy. He did not talk to me for 1 day over that.
I put the wrong cheese on my dinner...not his mine. By the way it was goats cheese not cheeder :-( 4 days of silence for that
I drank a bottle of rose in one night, very very unusal....he wanted me to see a doctor as I had a drinking problem. 1 week for this
The most recent exampe is I did not want to watch what he was and sat playing a game on my mobile...been 5 days and counting.
It goes on and on and on.

I have left him so many times, but always go back with the promise that things will chang, which they do for a few weeks. Everything I do seems to be never good enough, I feel like I am going mad.

We went to relate in Jan, I found them quite unhelpful. All it seemed to do was give him more things to be unhappy about.

I am so unhappy with him and so very very sad to leave him.

This is not normal is it? I feel like I am going mad

The key thing here is that you will NEVER be able to do what he wants.

It's his way of controlling you. The more you actually manage to appease him the more frustrated he will get and the more he will ask for.

It can only get worse so please get out.

Never, never, never have a child with this man. Once you have a child your vulnerability will be compounded, and you will never escape him completely.

My first husband would do this,ie the silent treatment and get angry about the most ridiculous things, I spent many futile days trying to please him/ make him happy.
The relief when he left, it was like a burden being lifted from my shoulders, and I didn't miss him at all!

Unfortunately you sound like you're in a classic 'good cop, bad cop' scenario with your husband playing both roles. The abuse works that way - alternating terrible behaviour (and what you describe is horrible) with lavishly loving behaviour and promises to change. All the time this is wearing down and skewing your internal judgement, ramping up what you will tolerate way beyond what anyone coming into the situation cold would accept. Hence why you end up on MN recounting stories that everyone else can see as being a serious problem, that you know rationally are a serious problem but emotionally you're not quite sure.

Relate can't help that kind of relationship because, as you've already discovered, the manipulative man knows that 'talk is cheap'. He'll say what it takes to keep you from walking out of the door but revert to type quite quickly afterwards.

It's a sad recognition when you've made the commitment to get married, presumably at considerable expense in front of friends and family, that you've made a big mistake. Marriage is an expression of optimism and trust. Knowing you've got it wrong this early in the relationship can feel like a failure. If that's a factor, don't worry what others think. Chances are there are people in your circle who have never liked him but don't want to say it to you. They will talk once you make your mind up.

The main thing that will help you is time and distance away from your husband. It takes courage to cut them off completely but luckily, as you have no children, you can do exactly that. It's heartbreaking to leave someone even if the regrets are for the person he could have been, not the man he actually is. The more time you can spend away from his influence, the easier you'll find it to stay away.

Good luck

very cleverlittle man isnt he, HE GETS IN YOUR MIND CONTROLS YOU MAKES YOU THINK YOUR NOT WORTH IT gives you long silences to make you think you,ve done somthing wrong. it,s all abuse he knows he has the power over you run for the hills and run fast before he takes all your confidence away and you are trapped and being beaten up.

For the lurkers, this is why you don't have joint counselling with an emotional abuser

they take the words of a floundering counsellor who is helpless under their onslaught and use them against you

OP, how are you today, love ?

Agree that the therapist sounds guff. He's an Eeyore and you're a Tigger?! Oh well then....that makes his mental torture much easier to live with!

Couples counselling is actually damaging to those in abusive relationships, because couple counselling deals with mutual problems, and by doing so, often gives the abuser more ammunition to use against their victim, and a greater sense of entitlement, as the therapist validates the abuser's complaints.
"Ah yes, but the therapist said YOU were blah blah blah"

There couldn't be an action in the world that would justify not speaking to you for five nights.

That's the truth of it, and if your therapist brushed over it, then they are an ARSE!

Please listen to everyone.
Leave and cut all contact, bar a solicitor or a 3rd person. At the very least only by email or text, but never reply immediately. Take at least a day to reply.
So that you have time to think properly about what you want.

I hope all goes well and you free yourself.

Oh god, girl, get out!!

And find another therapist. S/He sounds like crap too....

Oh golly, you've got the right solution to this. This will not get better. Thank fuck you have no children. Draw a line under (albeit a sad one) and get out. There is someone nice out there for you.

Are you OK?

Poor poor you. I remember what that feels like. The silences. The long long silences. I begged my ex too on bended knees and sobbing in the middle of the night. He told me to fuck off as he needed to sleep.

After two years the silences turned into disappearing acts. They were even worse. It is severe psychological and emotional abuse. It eats you up, destroys your confidence. He was lovely on the outside to others - only when he began the disappearing acts did my lovely friends start to believe me when I tried to tell them what he was really like.

I am so glad he is not in my life any more. It was hell. He is no doubt from a very dysfunctional family. No excuse. No excuse at all. He enjoyed torturing me. He was sadistic. He hated my beautiful cat too.

Dump this man. Fast. Absolutely do not take him back as they just step the abuse up a gear when you do that - they are laughing at you. He will find other ways of punishing you, stonewalling you and fucking you over. My ex used financial abuse too.

I am so glad you have seen him for what he is. Go and stay with anyone you can, file for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Close any joint accounts and open one in your sole name and put any money that is yours into it. Dump dump dump. Life will be a breeze without him - they always move on and find another victim so once he knows it's over with you he won't come bothering you again.

Thank you to all who have written back to me. So many of you can read what is going on in my mind and heart.
I have taken the day off work today as just feel so emotional/weak. I am going to see CAB today.
Luckily DH is away on business until Thursday. This seems to have given me the courage to do serveral things. Post on MN, go to CAB etc. I have been on hundreds of websites on EA. A lot of things he had done to me I seemed to have forgotten about :(
He suggested he took my bank cards as I was spending too much...he had them for month and giving me an allowance. Bearing in mind I have a full time job and my own bank account, until I told a friend about it as I could not pay for lunch. She demanded I went and got them back.

Relate was a big mistake for us - He manipulated all the things said about me and used them against me time and time again. I refused to go after the 6th session because of this and he was extremely angry. He uses the fact I stopped them as the reason for all the shit in our marriage.

I see how very graudually he is chipping away at everything. He refuses to go round a friends house, making my life painful if I dare to go without him.

I just hope I can be strong and go through with leaving...it is so hard. As someone says I love him for the man he used to be

The first step is to recognise that his behaviour is not normal. If you can recognise that, you are already making a massive leap. We normalise their behaviour so it becomes second nature.

Congratulate yourself for taking brave steps to confront what you know deep down is not right.

He took your bank cards?!

You are absolutely doing the right thing. I rarely post in relationships and I'm not a "leave the bastard" poster... but I make an exception. Leave the bastard.

At the risk of sounding trite, well done for recognising this behaviour is not right and doing something about it. It can be so hard to see what's happening when you're in the middle of the situation and the change has been gradual.

Take back control and be happy.

MM. Taking your bank cards IS financial abuse. i thought there might be some of that in there somewhere. Be strong and firm. Be bloody and resolute. Thank your lucky stars you have no children with this man as any child witnessing this treatment is also damaged awfully. They stonewall their own children too btw.

As AF said earlier, your story is a very good example of why counselling/relate etc, does not work with abusers; they twist the words and never ever take part with any real intention of changing or even believing they are anything other than perfect in the first place.

Please take yourself off any joint accounts as if he decides to run up any debts when he knows it's over they will be your debts too. Do you have an account in your name only? Use these couple of days to make sure your salary goes into it. Take full control of your own money now, please. Belt and braces and all that.

This marriage was always going to end in divorce so get it over with asap. You are so young you have years ahead of you to get to grips with why you
feel you are not worth so much more than an abusive knob like this.

Out of interest, why do you need IVF to conceive? I have my theories on this too.

Go girl. Get your hard hat on and get rid. xx

LImited, do you think he's had a vasectomy on the quiet?

Yuck, he gets off on seeing women crying and begging. That's not any kind of love that I know of.

Some people really ought not to be married to a real live human being. They are looking for a rag doll that sits where they throw it and never answers back about anything, ever.

Not necessarily. I just think that some men who have weird preoccupations with their ability to procreate - small willies or low sperm count say - can end up being abusive to their partners.

But also, i think that often, abusive men often don't really want children because everything has to revolve around them and children get in the way.

Of course lots of abusers do have dc, maybe because it's considered the done thing to do in the eyes of society - and oh how they do like to appear to be nice regular guys to the outside world - but they make crap fathers.

I asked the Op because I wondered if the problems lie with her or with her H or with both. My ex certainly made me feel that I was an inferior woman for somehow not conceiving straight away with him. He said once 'you're womb wouldn't hold a baby'. When i did get pregnant and have a son he didn't want the child anyway. He never wanted children. He wanted life to be all about him.

My dear. The Man you thought he was never existed. That person was a persona that he adopted to HOOK you. All the positive stuff he did was what he wanted reflected back on himself. It was ALL about HIM, always. To possess and own you, to control you. To make you sad/weak so that he could feel gladder/stronger than YOU.

Once he hooked you, he knew he didn't need to put any more effort in, so he hasn't.

Manipulation/Control to these people is addictive and they need to do more and more and more to get the same 'hit'. His hitting the dog is all about taking it all to the next level. He IS warming up to get physical with YOU. He IS dangerous.

You have to get out love, this is the time to do it, you are getting yourself informed, understanding what your position is etc, so now time to do something about it.

What do you need to hear from us to clinch it? I've been out a year (I got told off for putting Milk and the Orange juice cartons the wrong way round in the fridge) I can tell you that I never regretted leaving him for a second.

This grass IS so much greener. Trust us!

For goodness sake, don't have children with him. However, hard it is now to leave, having children will only make it harder, quite apart from the fact that an abusive relationship is not something that children should be brought into.

Have you seen a solicitor? If not, get yourself an appointment with one.

Meant to add that The Silent Treatment or Stonewalling as it's often known is one of the most severe forms of emotional abuse, it's a form of torture.

Tigger, call WA (woman's aid) go to the EA Support thread on here and read the links. Post there, or here, and we'll help you however you need us to.

OK, take this from a bona fide Eeyore. I am a gloomy soul, have rotten mood swings and anxiety at times, and sometimes I have to just shut down, clear myself some space and get my head back on straight before I can discuss an issue. At those times, I can't really deal with conversations at all.

But I don't do it over someone's choice of CHEESE. Or plugging in the bloody hoover. And I don't do it for a whole night, let alone FIVE. I am also aware that it can appear hurtful, so I apologise and explain that I need to hole up in a room on my own for a bit, then I'll be back and functioning better. I don't use it as a weapon to hurt or manipulate. I don't take my moods out on others. And I would never, never, never hurt an animal. That sends chills down my spine, frankly. He may or may not be building up to get physical with you too, but I do not trust people who have given themselves permission to hurt animals. That boundary should be in place, and it's not.

Sure, a Tigger and an Eeyore in a relationship might encounter some difficulties. That's not what's going on here. He is an abuser.

I do have my own bank account where my wages and a joint account with a standing order for the mortgage, bills etc.

I have never mentioned I need IVF? We talked briefly a while ago about adoption. I suppose looking back I knew then that I did not a child with him, or any child at all. To bring them into this enviroment would be cruel. I feel bad enough that the poor dog has to live with it.

I have made an appointment on Tuesday with CAB and I am moving back to my parents for a while. He is back from business on Thursday to I will move tomorrow. I do not think I have the strength yet to see him at all, as I know he will talk me round as he has always done.

I have talked to all my RL friends as it is amazing how all of them breathed a sigh of relief that I am leaving. One friend even has advised I do not see him alone as she believes once he realises I am leaving for good he might react badly.

I am quite frankly churning inside all the time. I seem to go from anger, to sickness, to great sadness, to thinking am I making all this up. I feel like I am going mad, lots of doubt.

I however looked though my diary and it brings me to tears looking through all the stonewalling I have received. It is every 2 weeks at least :(