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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's effing done it again

195 replies

Intrum · 28/04/2012 21:56

To make a long story short, DH has spent ALL our money on fruit machines so we can't pay our rent or bills this month.

This is the third time he's done this during our six year long marriage and I'm livid.

I hate him so much, not giving him another chance this time. I had a minor panic attack lying on the floor shaking and my legs wouldn't work, we're definitely looking ar divorce.

Now, I'm gonna have to find a way of paying rent this month and don't know what to do!!!!! How am I gonna come up with this money? I had just transferred my share of rent and bills yesterday and it's gone! Got 300 left in my account but that's it, don't want my kids to get homeless? Do I take a payday loan? Postpone rent until I get paid? Do you think I can take a loan from my bank?

I'm so upset, hate him so much, but need to focus on not making me and the kids homeless rather on what an idiot he is!!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Intrum · 30/04/2012 06:46

Quite a few years back when our six year old was only a baby me and DS had gone to visit my parents, we flew back to Luton and I went to get a train ticket for the two hour journey home. My card was declined and I couldn't get a ticket!

That time he had my card details stored on a gambling website and had used it all up.

Again, he offered no solution to how I was to get home and I had to bunk the train with a baby!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Intrum · 30/04/2012 06:47

This is how stupid I've been staying with him.

OP posts:
CharlieUniformNovemberTango · 30/04/2012 06:55

Been lurking but wanted to say you are stupid. You have an amazing, generous heart and he's taken advantage of that.

Be strong. This could get worse. He could cause you to loose your home. He could borrow from the wrong sort of people and leave you scared. He could steal from your children to fund his addiction. I know this sounds a bit alarmist but these are all things a friend of mine has gone through with her gambling husband.

You can make sure your children don't have to deal with this and more. And you don't deserve to deal with it either.

My friend asked her husband to move out. It took 9 months but he turned himself around and now they are back together and things seem great. It can be done but you need to protect yourself because whilst he's stuck in the middle he will never put you and the dc first. That is obvious from his actions already.

You can do it though! You're being so stoing already and can already see through his tears.

Good luck.

CharlieUniformNovemberTango · 30/04/2012 06:57

Sorry!

You aren't stupid. aren't

Me on the other hand.....:)

tribpot · 30/04/2012 07:03

My card was declined and I couldn't get a ticket!

Write a list, OP. Quite how you could feel sympathy for someone who clearly doesn't give a toss about his family I don't know, but make the list and keep it handy - if you think you may waver in a few weeks, prepare for it now whilst you still have the anger to fuel you. You absolutely must separate yourself financially from this person, whatever you choose to do emotionally. Your priority is to keep your children housed and fed. You need to protect the money that allows you to do that.

CharlieUniformNovemberTango · 30/04/2012 07:06

He list is a good idea. Hard evidence in your hand of the pain he's caused will be good when you're feeling sad towards him.

CiderwithBuda · 30/04/2012 07:12

Good morning. Hope he went and you are ok.

A list of the problems he has caused over the years is a great idea.

Original poster
Intrum · 30/04/2012 07:15

Don't know how I'm going to keep the tears back at work today.

OP posts:
MushroomSoup · 30/04/2012 07:37

Why do you need to keep the tears back? Cry on your colleagues, be open about what's going on - none of this is your fault, you do not need to cover up or feel ashamed - and I bet you will get LOADS of practical and emotion support.

Original poster
Intrum · 30/04/2012 07:51

I only work with men and I'm sure they won't be offering support.

OP posts:
Abitwobblynow · 30/04/2012 08:13

Intrum make sure that support is appropriate. THIS is the time that vulnerable women get hit on.

Addicts will ALWAYS choose their addiction over everyone and everything else. That comment that they don't have families, they have hostages is a good one.

You need to do two things: recognise that you and your babies and you and your babies' safety come second to his addiction (very very very painful and hard hard work);
and recognise that you need to protect yourself and your babies from his addiction.

This isn't about him, his good points, his crying, his self-hatred his promises to change one day. Its about his addiction which is a DANGER to you and your children.

Those two recognitions (hard hard hard work) will save you and your family.

Please contact gamblers anonymous and see if they have a support group near you. If not Al anon is a very good support system for partners of addicts. They really, really, really help with developing boundaries and staying with a healthy sense of self (so you don't get sucked back in).

Remember Intrum: fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on ???? who is not being real then, if it happens again and again?

Lueji · 30/04/2012 10:11

I only work with men and I'm sure they won't be offering support.

Is it because you work with pricks, or because you think that men aren't able to be supportive?

I have worked with some supportive men before.

One might even offer to lend you some emergency money or offer other practical help - say, recommend a divorce lawyer. :)

Original poster
Intrum · 30/04/2012 12:20

I work with pricks. No offence to men in general.

OP posts:
Original poster
Intrum · 30/04/2012 12:49

He went to the doctor who said they've got help for people with drug or alcohol problems, but not for gamblers.

OP posts:
CharlieUniformNovemberTango · 30/04/2012 12:50

Contact gamblers anon.

chocoraisin · 30/04/2012 13:00

www.gamblersanonymous.org.uk/

He doesn't need a doctor to help him. He needs to enter a program of recovery, and the 12 steps are free, local and available to anyone who actually wants to change. They have a helpline as well, so you can call up for advice. If he chooses not to go to a local meeting or meet with someone I think it's safe to say he's paying lip service to wanting to change I'm afraid. :(

Also, I would be a bit wary of anything he says that puts himself into the 'woe is me, I'm un-help-able' category because you don't know what has actually been said by his GP or what he actually asked... it's a convenient get out clause really to say I tried to get help and it wasn't my fault I didn't because they wouldn't help me even though I asked... who knows if that's even true? But if it gets you off his back it's worked hasn't it?

Lueji · 30/04/2012 13:15

Did he tell you that?

Did you go with him?

MushroomSoup · 30/04/2012 13:35

I think he's a fucking bullshitter lying to you. No doctor would turn away someone who came for help with a gambling addiction. They would give contact details to another agency, if not make a referral at the very least.
Intrum he is playing you like a fucking guitar. I am not saying you should end your marriage (only you know what you can stand for) but if you are willing to make things work you need to stop being gullible where he is concerned and he needs to man up and take some fucking responsibility.

hattifattner · 30/04/2012 15:09

Id say DONt send him the link to GA. If he is serious about changing, he will find them himself. Right now, whats coming over loud and clear, is that he doesnt think its that much of a problem and that he doesnt want to stop gambling. Because clearly next week his luck might change....right? Cos sometimes you can be the one person in a million that can beat the house...right?

Meanwhile you are supposed to take control of everything so that when he does slip up he can blame you! For giving him access, for not understanding.

Ultimately he would rather play the slots than pay the rent. or provide food for the kids. Thats his priority - not you or the kids.

Do you really want to spend your life lurching from one financial crisis to the next? Having to sell your kids stuff to buy food, having to beg from family to pay rent? Going without so he can feed his addiction? WOuld you do this if he was a heroin addict? An alcoholic?

Wise up and stop feeling sorry for him. He is a grown man and he must take full responsibility for what he has done AND how he is going to deal with this.

Meanwhile, seperate financially and get legal cover so you are not responsible for his debts.

Sunnywithachanceofshowers · 30/04/2012 17:56

There's a helpline for problem gamblers - link here

He doesn't need a doctor's referral.

neuroticmumof3 · 30/04/2012 19:20

If he's going to recover from his addiction then he needs to first take responsibility for it and that includes researching suitable help - he's only got to type a few words into google ffs. Did he go to his mum's yesterday? I'd recommend having very little (if any) contact with him as he is likely to try to emotionally manipulate you into taking him back.

RabidAnchovy · 30/04/2012 19:43

He will never change never never never.
Kick him out and do not let him back, got legal advice and get rid.

He is not remorseful, he is in denial and he will do it again and again and again

scarletforya · 30/04/2012 19:53

Eh, don't spoonfeed him any further by 'helping him to get help'. If he wants help he'll easily find it. The fact is he doesn't want help at all. He just wants his cushy life parasiting off OP to continue.

He's gone. It's up to him now to sort himself out. Instead he's making half arsed excuses and lying as per usual.

I'd cut him loose altogether. He's had too many chances already.

QuintessentialShadows · 30/04/2012 19:55

Dont be daft. Let him figure things out for himself. Just get him the effety eff out of the house.

nkf · 30/04/2012 20:32

I think there's an argument for holding it together at work. It's good to have a tear free zone. By all means, if there is one person there you trust, but generally, I'd say leave things at the door.

Please stay strong. I married a gambler and he gave up gambling only to take up other unsavoury compulsions.