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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's effing done it again

195 replies

Intrum · 28/04/2012 21:56

To make a long story short, DH has spent ALL our money on fruit machines so we can't pay our rent or bills this month.

This is the third time he's done this during our six year long marriage and I'm livid.

I hate him so much, not giving him another chance this time. I had a minor panic attack lying on the floor shaking and my legs wouldn't work, we're definitely looking ar divorce.

Now, I'm gonna have to find a way of paying rent this month and don't know what to do!!!!! How am I gonna come up with this money? I had just transferred my share of rent and bills yesterday and it's gone! Got 300 left in my account but that's it, don't want my kids to get homeless? Do I take a payday loan? Postpone rent until I get paid? Do you think I can take a loan from my bank?

I'm so upset, hate him so much, but need to focus on not making me and the kids homeless rather on what an idiot he is!!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Intrum · 28/04/2012 22:33

I need to try to get some sleep now, thank you all! It's really helped writing here.

DH has disappeared since a couple of hours, I hate him but at the same time hope he's not out there harming himself. He was in a very bad state.

Good night all xxx

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 28/04/2012 23:51

OK, H is an addict. So you might also find it helpful to talk to a gambling addiction organisation for support, understanding and practical advice. Though do bear in mind that they won't be able to help your H stop gambling unless and until he decides to stop. The only thing to do with an addict is to cut yourself off from him/her and prioritize your own wellbeing and that of the children; let the addict sink or swim alone. there is nothing you can do to 'make' an addict address the addiction and give it up when s/he isn't ready to do so.
Best of luck. Tell everyone that you need to speak to about your finances that the cause of the problem is a gambling addict in the family who you are getting rid of, you have done nothing wrong and there is no need to cover up for the addict's behaviour.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 28/04/2012 23:59

Intrum, I don't know where in the country you are, but check to see if you have a local Credit Union. Please do not go to a payday lender! Payday loans can carry interest rates of up to 3000% and no that is not a typo!

Here is an excerpt from my local one (where I used to volunteer):

Borrowing from your Credit Union

Loans from £150 to £3,500
Interest rates from 9.4% to 26.8%
The Credit Union is here to help everyone. The amount we can lend and the rate we can offer you are based on your circumstances.

good luck and I hope you had a good night's sleep.

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 29/04/2012 00:19

I'm sorry he's done this to you op Sad

I disagree about the payday loan...if you're sure things are over then get him to take one out in his name, after all its his mess he should pay for it Wink

Seriously though I hope you can get sorted out, you deserve better

tallwivglasses · 29/04/2012 00:45

Ebay's free this weekend. Sell his crap. Also, I've just been told I should have been getting a cut in Council Tax as the only resident adult. Grr

Original poster
Intrum · 29/04/2012 06:35

Can't find a credit union nearby.

It feels a lot worse this morning, I hate having to let my boys seeing me cry and for my six year old trying to comfort me. Will drive them to MIL this morning so they do not have to see this.

OP posts:
myBOYSareBONKERS · 29/04/2012 07:10

Also as well as selling his stuff, is there any other bits you could sell? old toys, clothes etc. Advertise on free sites like Facebook, Pre-loved, Friday-ads, Netmums.

Original poster
Intrum · 29/04/2012 07:20

I will see what I can find, don't have much of value though.

Haven't heard from him yet, wish he'd come back so we can sort all the stuff out. See if he's got a plan on how we're now gonna pay rent.

OP posts:
struwelpeter · 29/04/2012 07:30

Please draw a very firm boundary between you and him in financial terms. If he has just thrown all his money at fruit machines then his plan to get the rent is likely to be throwing more money at them because "surely my luck will turn" kind of thinking.
You'd be better to get him out and think how you and the DCs can manage, don't expect anything from him and you won't be disappointed or upset when it doesn't materialise.
Talk to CAB as soon as you can. Also look on websites such as money saving expert, entitled to and gamblers anonymous as they will give you a lot of insight into how the mind of a gambler works.
You've got money coming in for now, so you will be able to manage for a little while. HB, council tax reduction, tax credits, etc will all be different if you are single.
Good luck

Original poster
Intrum · 29/04/2012 08:10

He's got £29 available in his account, I've got £430 in mine (which is really meant to be goin on other bills), £100 in savings, £100 available on my credit card and that's it.

Really need to prioritise paying rent so will try to make arrangements for other bills and find the rest for rent somehow.

Last year we borrowed a large sum of money from my nan, it turned out we didn't need all of what we borrowed so I was gonna pay £2000 back straight away. Back then he had the password for my Internet bank and took £1600 and spent on fruit machines. I forgave him that time but changed all my passwords.

I am still paying my nan back but looks like I won't be able to this month which breaks my heart.

OP posts:
elinorbellowed · 29/04/2012 08:17

I really feel for you, you are living my private nightmare. I do hope you sort it out.
If his parents are sympathetic and angry with him, are they in a position to help with this month's rent? I know I would give my DIL money in a shot to keep a roof over my grandson's heads.

Original poster
Intrum · 29/04/2012 08:31

PIL's are not in a position to help out financially.

I've done direct govs benefit adviser and would get £768 per week (including earnings) so would be ok on my own. A lot more than I thought it would be.

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MushroomSoup · 29/04/2012 08:51

Morning Intrum
I've just read your thread and I have nothing to offer but a big hug. You sound very strong this morning.
Can you not tell your Nan that he has spent her money on gambling but you will pay her back when you can? You do not need to cover for this man. You don't need to be ashamed of your situation when it is not your fault you are there.

Original poster
Intrum · 29/04/2012 08:57

I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone in my family. How to I explain putting up with this for so long?

And I'm really sad because I really do love him and I can't believe he's done this again. It's like the well being of me and the DS's is not important to him. All he cares a out is hinself. I'm sure he's gonna come back home later feeling sorry only for himself and try to guilt me into keeping him anyway. So happy the PIL's are on my side and have seen him behave like this before.

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Original poster
Intrum · 29/04/2012 08:58

Sorry about the spelling.

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Rollersara · 29/04/2012 08:59

You maybe able to get a bank loan, my online bank can issue them straight away, far better than the payday loan option.

Good luck sorting it all out, sounds like a nightmare situation to be in, but remember it's not your fault.

Rollersara · 29/04/2012 09:01

And don't be embarressed for trying to make your marriage work!

Original poster
Intrum · 29/04/2012 09:07

Just applied for a £1000 loan online with my bank and it got declined.

OP posts:
FermezLaBouche · 29/04/2012 09:16

Oh no! :( I don't want to cause you unnecessary worry, Intrum, but is there any chance he could have taken a loan/credit card in your name without you knowing?

solidgoldbrass · 29/04/2012 09:21

Addiction is a disease, and a progressive one; if you were to forgive him this time, he would just do it again and again, with shorter intervals between each theft/binge. Either the switch will flip in his head and he will stop, or he won't. He may end up in prison, or borrowing from illegal loan sharks and still keep on gambling. Please don't blame yourself, there is NOTHING you could do, or you did, or can do now that will make any difference to him, your priority must be protecting yourself and the DC.

Original poster
Intrum · 29/04/2012 09:25

I got my statutory credit report from experian a couple of weeks ago and there was at least 10 searches for loans/ credit cards from this year only on it, all have been declined and were not made by me.

I was hoping now that I've been in employment for three months my bank would accept me but maybe these searches count against me.

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LalasMama · 29/04/2012 09:25

OP, I'm in a very similar position to you right now. My DPs addiction is drink. He has gone 5 months without a drink. Until last night. Right now he is passed out on a friends sofa completely wasted. I have already taken out a loan this morning to enable me and DC to move into our own place (this house is DPs) and I will be making appointments first thing in the morning to view houses to rent. Big hug to you OP. we will be ok Smile

fuzzpig · 29/04/2012 09:30

How awful. £1600 on a fruit machine FFS. Was it a similar amount each time?

You are doing amazingly, being really strong. Keep it up. :)

Original poster
Intrum · 29/04/2012 09:31

LalasMama, wow that is so strong! Well done. I hope I can be as strong as you. Hope all goes well for you!

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Original poster
Intrum · 29/04/2012 09:32

Fuzzpig, it's been similar each time, reckon he spent about £1200 last night.

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