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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's effing done it again

195 replies

Intrum · 28/04/2012 21:56

To make a long story short, DH has spent ALL our money on fruit machines so we can't pay our rent or bills this month.

This is the third time he's done this during our six year long marriage and I'm livid.

I hate him so much, not giving him another chance this time. I had a minor panic attack lying on the floor shaking and my legs wouldn't work, we're definitely looking ar divorce.

Now, I'm gonna have to find a way of paying rent this month and don't know what to do!!!!! How am I gonna come up with this money? I had just transferred my share of rent and bills yesterday and it's gone! Got 300 left in my account but that's it, don't want my kids to get homeless? Do I take a payday loan? Postpone rent until I get paid? Do you think I can take a loan from my bank?

I'm so upset, hate him so much, but need to focus on not making me and the kids homeless rather on what an idiot he is!!!!!

OP posts:
ThatVikRinA22 · 29/04/2012 16:47

have you phoned his parents to come get him intrum?

agreeing to move and actually doing it are 2 different things. he can agree for days, i would need him out now or i wouldnt trust myself to not do him an injury....

call his parents and tell them to come and get him.

neuroticmumof3 · 29/04/2012 16:53

I agree with the others that you should tell him if he doesn't go you will report him to the police for theft. His lack of remorse is an indication that he's not going to change anytime soon. You therefore have no option but to kick him out. He's putting your financial and housing security at risk with no thought to the consequences for you or the DC.

nkf · 29/04/2012 16:55

Take the money you've found. He owes you it anyway because he blew your share of the rent. Then separate your finances. Can you get the morning off work to sort this out? Good luck.

carernotasaint · 29/04/2012 18:01

Been lurking on this thread but i agree with a lot of posters here. Tell him that unless he goes you will report him to the police for fraud.
He stole from you took out credit in your name and is now trying to emotionally blackmail you into sucking it up? Tell him NO WAY for the sake of your kids and yourself.

Original poster
Intrum · 29/04/2012 18:09

He never took out credit but he tried to get credit. Not defending him but don't think I can report him for it.

OP posts:
tribpot · 29/04/2012 18:11

He's agreed to move out and get help. He's still here though

Exactly. He's said lots of things. Haven't your PIL had the kids this afternoon so that you could talk it through? And the first thing he did was go to sleep, then shout at you for disturbing him.

You really, really need to tell his PIL to get him today. I very much doubt he intends to do anything other than say he has a problem and then leave the financial mess to you to sort out. As to his mum being unable to sleep - I sympathise, but she's not the one with two small children and no rent money. Don't get sucked into any games about who feels worst about this whole mess - YOU WIN. They can at least do something to help by taking him in for a while.

carernotasaint · 29/04/2012 18:15

Hes still emotianally blackmailing you. Hes stolen money to ganble away. Hes then shouting at you. You are being emotinally mentally psychologically and financially abused.

AThingInYourLife · 29/04/2012 18:18

He needs to leave today.

Has he gone?

His behaviour since he stole all that money from you and your children and risked your home has been nothing short of contemptible.

Tell him to get out of the house immediately and stop the self pity.

You are in a world of shite now (again) because of him.

How fucking dare he feel sorry for himself?

QuintessentialShadows · 29/04/2012 18:22

Phone his parents and ask them to come and pick him up.

Original poster
Intrum · 29/04/2012 18:24

Thanks for all your support.

OP posts:
MushroomSoup · 29/04/2012 18:28

Intrum you CAN report him for attempted fraud.

Original poster
Intrum · 29/04/2012 18:32

He's just gone upstairs to phone his mum to see if he can stay with them until he gets sorted.

OP posts:
Original poster
Intrum · 29/04/2012 18:34

They said yes.

OP posts:
MushroomSoup · 29/04/2012 19:05

That's great news but I know you'll feel very mixed emotions.

AThingInYourLife · 29/04/2012 19:26

Well done OP :)

Now see that he goes.

RandomMess · 29/04/2012 19:38

That is good news, remember if he tries to turn any of it on you tell him that he can show how much he loves you and the dc by living completely seperately and beating his addiction.

solidgoldbrass · 29/04/2012 20:12

The thing is with active addicts is that they are always sorry and they always cry and plead but they don't stop the addiction. They calculate how much crying and threatening to kill themselves is necessary to get the rest of the family to shut up and continue looking after them. They're never so obliging as to actually fucking die and get out of your hair, at least not for a long, long time.

Sunnywithachanceofshowers · 29/04/2012 20:14

What sgb said (was married to alcholic). Well done OP. xx

Original poster
Intrum · 29/04/2012 20:22

What I'm worried about is him asking to come back next week and I'll be weak and say yes, feeling sorry for him for having to stay with his family. I hope that won't happen, want him to be gone for at least six months, and I want to be sure counselling has helped.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 29/04/2012 20:29

Stay angry, Intrum. What you're actually aiming for is a cool, calm contempt for this failed human being who has made such a mess of your family life. You can't help him, you can't fix him, all you can do is throw him away, because that's all he's worth.

RandomMess · 29/04/2012 20:32

Put it this way if you don't financially seperate from him you will end up homeless.

If that doesn't give you strength I don't know what will Confused

AThingInYourLife · 29/04/2012 20:35

However sorry you feel for him, surely you feel more sorry for your children who have a father who would put them on the streets if you weren't there to prevent him from doing it?

Staying at his parents is hardly much of a punishment considering that he has stolen thousands of pounds from you, your children and your grandmother.

He isn't in prison, just staying in his parents' house.

lemonstartree · 29/04/2012 20:55

I'm so sorry you are in this mess. It is NOT your fault, and you are doing REALLY well. I've been married in the past to a junkie and alcoholic and i've heard all the weeping and excuses under the sun. In the end he ( my exH) hasn't changed, but we are now divorced and he is NOT MY PROBLEM....

we are all much happier now...

wishing you strength x

mathanxiety · 29/04/2012 21:18

I got my statutory credit report from experian a couple of weeks ago and there was at least 10 searches for loans/ credit cards from this year only on it, all have been declined and were not made by me.' Angry Angry Angry

YOU HAVE TO DIVORCE THIS MAN ASAP or you will end up penniless, even worse than you are right now. He will take you down with him. And he won't care.

No counselling, no six months. He has already stolen money that was your gran's and he has tried using your name to steal more. He will keep going until he has taken everything you have.

Talk to your parents. You need help. Swallow your pride.

myBOYSareBONKERS · 30/04/2012 06:32

An ex-colleague of mine had her home re-possessed due to her husbands gambling. She had two children - one was only a newborn. They are now divorced as he would not except that anything was wrong and he is STILL gambling.