He's effing done it again

[Intrum]

To make a long story short, DH has spent ALL our money on fruit machines so we can't pay our rent or bills this month.

This is the third time he's done this during our six year long marriage and I'm livid.

I hate him so much, not giving him another chance this time. I had a minor panic attack lying on the floor shaking and my legs wouldn't work, we're definitely looking ar divorce.

Now, I'm gonna have to find a way of paying rent this month and don't know what to do!!!!! How am I gonna come up with this money? I had just transferred my share of rent and bills yesterday and it's gone! Got 300 left in my account but that's it, don't want my kids to get homeless? Do I take a payday loan? Postpone rent until I get paid? Do you think I can take a loan from my bank?

I'm so upset, hate him so much, but need to focus on not making me and the kids homeless rather on what an idiot he is!!!!!

Can I force him to leave if he refuses ?

Will phone the local housing association tomorrow and see if they can house one of us.

You can live seperately under the same roof and claim benefits as a single parent.

You absolutely need him to agree to sign over the Child Benefit asap, even if he won't do that willingly you can apply for it.

Start divorce proceedings immediately - remember you can even have a decree nisi and not go thorugh with the absolute. Although I would be looking at a couple of years of him not gambling to consider trusting him again. Remember every debt he has will be yours as well. I think there is an interim thing of legal seperation which you need to do asap as it may draw a line in the sand with any further debt he incurs.

Ask in the legal section for some advice on that.

If he becomes at all violent or abusive then phone the police and get him removed.

Really sorry SIL has been through this, they went from having a £90k mortgage to oweing about £300k

Go to the police and say he stole from you? Threaten to tell everyone what he did if he doesn't get out? Underhand tactics maybe but if they work, they work. Good luck.

I really can't stand the idea of staying under the same roof as him.

Well he has fraudently tried to take out credit cards or something in your name - hence the credit checks and he did still from you so yes I'd go to the police.

I'm not going to the police. I want to make this as easy as possible as we will still need to be able to communicate regarding the children.

I just want him to leave, find his own place and have the kids every other week or weekend.

Can you pack his bags for him and suggest going round to his parents to discuss it with them... and leave him there. If you are with other people he may behave better while you discuss it.

To do this to you once is dreadful, three times is really unforgivable.
I would say now you should call the shots and if he won't go along with that yes I would go to the police.

Think of this as a negotiating position- you eventually want to get to the point where you can be civil over the children, but at the moment you should be really angry - he needs to realise how much he has jeopardised your family's security, get help for his gambling and pay you back what he has stolen.
If you underplay this he may try to brush it off aswell and not realise how serious it is.
And part of this might involve threatening him with the police if he doesn't help repair the situation.

You asked if you can force him to leave if he refuses. Well you could, but how would you go about this (assuming he is physically stronger than you?) why would you NOT get the police involved if he refused to go? How else could you force him??

He's in bed crying like a big baby that I don't understand him, that he's got a problem and that he don't want to leave the kids.

I'm trying to get him to understand that if he really loves his children and wants the best for them he needs to leave.

Keep going Intrum you are totally right to do this.
I know you want it to be amicable but it can be bloody amicable later on - it doesn't have to be amicable today!
And I agree with what the other posters have said. If he won't leave tell him you will ring the police and report his fraudulence on your account. And for God's sake follow through..

Stay calm. I would just keep telling him that, yes you don't understand but that you need to protect your children from losing their home and at the moment he is risking that again so he needs to go, accept he has a problem and get help. He cannot do that while still living the same life as it doesn't stop him and he is putting his children at risk. Keep telling him that if he really loves the children he will leave and get help. Be honest. Tell him you can't stand to look at him. He needs to really really understand that you will not let him away with this again. Otherwise he will do it again.

And go show him how serious I was I would definitely ring the police if he doesn't leave.

Op I am so sorry you are in this situation.

my ex was very similar and would drink and gamble our money away without any consideration for the consequences. He also would steal my cashcard out my purse to go out on the lash and applied for loans etc in my name.

He also took out loans against my address after he left, because I was being nice and forwarded his post onwards he used it as proof of address and in one case put my name down as guarantor for a loan. The first I knew of it was when people started showing up at MY door threatening me and phoning at all times of the day because surprise surprise he hadn't paid the installments. I rapidly started returning post to sender but it was hard work to prove my innocence.

If he does go protect yourself - from bitter experience you can't trust an ex who has issues with money.

What a pathetic, selfish twat.

The others are right - you can be amicable in the future. If you need to use the police to get this thieving lowlife out of your home, then do it.

You have to get him out because if you don't he will start stealing your belongings and the DC's and selling them. I agree with others that threatening him with the police is a good way of making him go, but be prepared to go through with it.
ANd just keep reminding yourself that any negative consequences for him are all his own fault. Let him suffer, he brought it on himself. If he ends up homeless and in prison, nothing you did or didn't do would have altered the outcome.

Seconding SGB. He may end up homeless if he leaves - but if he stays, he will do the same thing again, I guarantee it, until you are all of you homeless.

In your shoes, my choice would be let him risk homelessness, as long as I and my kids kept a roof above our heads. The choice really is that stark and you really do have to cut all financial ties with him, and that includes him not living with you any more. You can start with asking nicely but then, when if necesary, take increasingly serious action until something works and he goes.

Sorry if that sounds harsh. Also, really sorry that you're in this situation.

Yes, I dare say he'll be quite happy living in a cardboard box as long as the kids are there with him. The trouble is, he just doesn't love them as much as he loves gambling. Right now he's only thinking of himself, that's why he'll gamble again. But if he ever does go and get the cure he'll understand why you had to do this.

OP - can you phone his parents and ask them to come over to collect him?

i am afraid you may not be able to do this nicely today - and he has to leave today - he has not learnt from the last times and he needs for the consequences of his actions to become real.

i have a son who has stolen from my bank when he got into money difficulties and despite the fact he lives with us i have had to emotionally withdraw.

i feel for you i really do.
enlist his parents to come and pick him up. you need back up. and a few heavies

Has he taken a credit card out pretending to be you?

That is fraud, yes?

.

Hi OP, what a horrible situation for you. I'd suggest calling Shelter's helpline tomorrow and they would be able to advise on your rights re your tenancy?

Shelter

Collect his stuff together whilst hes having a tantum. Plop it outside across the other side of the road. Let him know where his stuff is. Stand next to your front door ready to open & shut it firmly locked behind him. Let him know his parents are expecting him. That you will contact him in the morning about access to the DC's he is not to turn up on your doorstep for any other reason. Dont say another word to him. He wants to act like a child about this he gets treated like one. You have nothing more to say. Oh & hide the xbox for selling. As well as games. Accessories to it etc. You can get a fair amount for that.

Remember this: addicts (and he is a gambling addict) don't have family, they have hostages.

All you can dois separate him from you and your children, you can't fix him.

Hope you've made progress this afternoon

He's agreed to move out and get help. He's still here though, still feeling sorry for himself. Not come up with any suggestions on how to solve this.