Aibu to be so, so angry and hurt by DH's decision (long, sorry)

[coodymow]

I am not a regular poster although I am always lurking. However, I am so upset at the moment and I don?t know if I have a right to be or if I am just being emotional and hormonal. I will try and keep this to the point and hope you have the patience to read it.

DH has left me and DD to go on a luxury (once in a life time) all expenses paid trip with his former employers (it was a promotion he qualified for whilst still working for them). The reason I have not gone is because children are not allowed and its couples or singles only. This was not stated whilst the promotion was on-going, in fact the details about the trip were hidden until those that qualified were announced.

DH has spent most days off/weekends and evenings over the last 2 years putting in the legwork to meet the targets for this trip. We have argued so much over the fact he wasn?t spending time with me and dd, and all he used to say was he was doing this for me and dd, for us as a family so that we could have this amazing once in a lifetime holiday etc. etc. A few of his colleagues that qualified have chosen not to go as it?s during term time, no childcare for the kids and also because they didn?t want to leave their kids behind whilst they went on holiday. I told him I wouldn?t go if it meant leaving dd behind, also told him I wouldn?t stop him from going but if he did go it would leave me in no doubt what was more important to him (i.e. not our relationship or family)

DH no longer works for this company and has recently started a job in the middle east which has meant, packing up and storing all of our belongings, renting our lovely house out, me and dd going to live with his parents (challenging, as they can barely be civil to me at times) whilst we wait for him to find us somewhere to live and join him out there in the next few months. I also found out I was pregnant just before he left which has added to the tension around the house as frankly I have felt like shit most of the time and my bullshit threshold was a lot lower than it usually is.

We recently left my in-laws to come stay with my family as it was getting too much and the daily comments were upsetting me so much I used to cry myself to sleep (hormones?). Me and dd are currently living out of suitcase, in my parent?s spare bedroom whilst waiting to join husband in the Middle East. I wasn?t happy but agreed to the move as it was better money and prospects than what he was on here. I also worked part time in a job I loved but had to give that up due to having to move to my parents? house which is another town. All in all the last few months have been very stressful.

I am so, so angry at him I can barely mention his name without bursting into tears (of anger and frustration). I feel like a fucking doormat/mug, aibu unreasonable for not expecting him to go without his family? Am I mug for believing him when he said he was doing this for us? Or am I a just crazed hormonal pregnant woman who isn?t thinking straight? I am so tempted to text him and just tell him what a fucking arse he is for going without us.

In motivational terms, no firm would delay such a relatively measly reward for 2 years. The whole point of these incentives is the 'quick win' philosophy. Also no-one is that stupid that he would put in that much free labour over such a long period of time for a 10 day holiday, regardless of the destination. No firm would offer the deal consequently because they'd know no employee would take it and if one did, they wouldn't want to employ anyone who was that stupid.

OP, please don't take to heart the comments from those who clearly haven't read your posts properly.

I echo the fears of the folk who express concern over your legal rights once resident in the ME - it could potentially be a disastrous situation. Please don't put yourself through it with a man who does appear to rank your needs very highly.

My ex-husband works in the ME. He's remarried with a child and it took him months to process the paperwork with his company for his new family to join him - he told me it was because he was having way too much fun behaving like a single man and he didn't want them there. I suspect that if your OH wanted you there, you'd have been there for several months by now.

Please talk to your parents and let them help you out - I honestly feel you really do need to put yourself and your child(ren) first and build a solid life for yourself here.

He's definitely lying to you - the only question is about how many things.

Im sorry but I also agree with caribos

I feel so sorry for you OP, I think you are being spun a line here.

Leaving aside the holiday, his visa and your visa would have been arranged at the same time by his employer. He wouldnt have had to arrange anything. Do you think its possible he hasnt arranged for your visa because he hasn't ever planned for you to join him? If so it seems extremely callous to have made you give up work and your house, leaving you in an awful situation.

You need to talk to him face to face asap. I agree with the other poster who advised that you text him and say he needs to see you, not his parents, on the way back from this trip.

I would not be travelling out to Kuwait with him until you have had full and frank discussions about all your issues

Op you mentioned that you know some of the people on this trip, is there any way that you could contact them to see if he really is where he says he is?
I am assuming that he isn't in any of these facebook photos with the other employees.

I'd actually contact the company, tbh. I would swallow my pride and ask someone who wasn't his friend - eg the manager's manager. I would be relentless in my search for the truth!!!!

So reading this all again - your husband has gone off on this holiday whilst working for a ME company? I didn't realise holidays were so generous over there. Isn't he planning to save holidays for when/if you go over there? Does he not think that might be a nice idea, given you'd be thrown into a completely different culture?

Some have assumed the OP's husband is from the ME. Is that right?

That's a good point, Imperial. He's just started a new job but has been given time off already to go on a holiday 'won' from his previous employer? Rather unusual, I would have thought.

I wouldn't investigate tbh - I'd just leave the bastard. And not tell him. To see if he noticed.

I hope you manage to get some answers to these questions OP. You poor thing. Echoing those who say don't even think about moving to Kuwait.

Is there anyone you can confide in so you'll feel less alone right now?

I hope you are OK, OP. I agree that there are lots of questions that need answering here, a lot of things that don't quite add up. However, some people are jumping to huge conclusions and presenting their assumptions as fact. I'm not sure that this is helpful to the OP.

I wouldn't place much stock on the fb location postings to be honest, so far this fortnight I've managed to post from;
Ankara (Turkey)
Petra (Syria)
Timbuktu (Africa)
Casablanca (morocco)

All from the comfort of my home ....in the east end. It's an inside joke but my point is I wouldn't put much emphasis on location of fb posts.

Did he have to pay for his flight from Kuwait to the UK to go on this holiday? I'm trying to think of a destination where the UK would be on the way.

He could be there - that would be no proof - he could be somone's 'plus one' :(

Yes IB, he's been living in the ME for a couple/few months now while the OP was forced to live with the inlaws, then has relocated to her parents (which she didn't do initially as it meant her giving up her part time job). Apparently it's taking a very long time to sort her paperwork out so she can join him, but he's going to do it when he gets back from his holiday

Well so far the facts are;

1. He's on holiday paid for by his previous employer as a bonus for putting in two years unpaid overtime.
   MNers with experience of bonuses agree out this is very unusual if not the only case within our experience where a person is awarded such a (paltry) bonus after leaving a job & joining a new firm.

2. He's been in the ME long enough to qualify for a holiday, yet his families visa has not been sorted.

3. He's going to visit his parents during the stopover to & from his holiday, but hasn't arranged to meet his pregnant wife & child.

Personally I would giving notice to the tenants in my house & moving back ASAP. I'd seek legal advice, I'd look thro our bank statements etc to see what's going on exactly. Furthermore, speaking as a Muslim woman with experience of the ME & it's laws we'd all be ice skating in hell before I would go to the ME with my young children given husbands current behaviour.

No, I got that, thanks, Chipping, but someone up there seemed to assume he and his family were from the Middle East themselves - talking about his family having a different culture. I think, though, he's just working there. Thanks for the summary, though - it's needed on a thread like this!!

Sorry but why the fuck is he paying his parent's mortgage?! He sounds like a real arse and he doesn't put you first does he? Why are his parents arsey to you? Has he told then off for it ever? I bet not.

You sound better off without him

Carabos is right on the money....it makes sense.

And for all we know he could have a second family out there or anything, this '10 day holiday' is a fiction, that's for sure.

Just caught up on everyone's replies. Bit of a zombie today, no sleep. Just to answer some questions:

We are not ME.
He pays his parents mortgage because he is the one that borrowed on it when it was close to being paid off, hence repaying it now, not a big issue as he lived with them.
There was no expectation for me to live with his family after marriage apart from when we were househunting and needed sonewhere to stay.
He's mum has always had a chip on her shoulder about me because i wasn't chosen by her. I didnt take anyone elses place per se, but being the control freak she is, she wanted to 'choose' the bride.
The holiday is valid and real, i've seen the company website and emails congratulating H about qualifying.
I know he is definitely there (states)
His new company is arranging our visas, once all his visa paperwork/ civil id came through.

The ME job is valid, ive seen the paperwork, contracts, visa documents ( initial ones) medical/crb's etc.

My head is all over the place at the moment,but a few things are crystal clear. I wont be going to ME (if at all) until after the baby is born. I wont be calling him or texting him whilst he is away. Nothing will come of it except
me ending up feeling like shit.

He knows where i am when he returns, he has enough time to come see me.

As much as it pains me to say it, i really dont think me, dd or the fact I'm pregnant are high on his list of concerns. Not sure if he has cheated/ is cheating. Sorry bout the typos im on my phone.

Re: visas, H's own visa was sorted just before he left for this trip, mine and dd's can now start to proceed, once he returns as per company guidelines (seen the paperwork).

I think you are absolutely making the right decision not to go out there until after the baby is born (if at all).

I can see why people raised a lot of questions as to whether your DH is actually on the trip, is hiding things, etc., but as I said before, even if he is being entirely truthful he is still being massively unreasonable.

You and your children and new baby need to come first. If he won't put you there, then you need to put yourself there.

I work in sales, we have these sort of incentives, I've been to Rome, Barcelona, Southern Ireland, Paris and loads of events and weekends in London. usually you're set high, hard to achieve targets, some people work extra hours to attain them, some people like me on the whole don't

Only yesterday I won an iPod nano 16gb for a mini incentive. Therefore the holiday thing and the extra hours doesn't surprise me

I feel ou should give the ME a go, if it doesn't work out, you've still got your home and family here, his parents will have to forgo their support.

He's behaving like a real shit - spending his very brief stop-over with his parents because 'it'd be too upsetting for dd'. WTF? Did HE not want to see his daughter for the first time in ages? Could he not actually prioritise seeing his daughter over his shitty stupid trip?

I feel particularly cross on your behalf because my father used to pull this kind of stunt, and it really destroyed our relationship for a very long time indeed - until I had counselling as an adult and ditched all the baggage I was carrying thanks to him. Actually I kind of regret having the counselling as I rebuilt the relationship, which was great for a decade or so, only for him to revert to type and be an absolute shit to my sister and me and, far worse, our children. I have now cut him out of my life, as has my sister, and we are far better off without him.

My DH worked away alot due to nature of job.

I got really stroppy on occasions, feeling abandoned with small sprogs and having no support (never near family), however he was ambitious and it was the nature of the job (project managers go where the project is) and looking back I was wrong to entirely blame him and should have made an effort to develop more of an independent life of my own. Ok, not really possible when kids are tinies but could have done it later.

He earned a good salary and I should have put that money to nanny/ minder so that I could go out and make my own way.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

OP has a possibly workaholic probably ambitious (for his family as well as for him) husband and you cannot change a person, you can only change yourself and your attitude and behaviour towards them. So she needs to get a grip, the ME could be a great adventure for them as a family.

QOD - I think a lot of us are confirming that firms offer holidays as motivational bonuses, but ever heard of one for which the details were kept 'hidden' (OP's own words) from employees, awarded 2 years after the carrot was dangled and to an ex-employee?

I think the holiday is real and he's on it, but I don't think his former company is paying for it. It's easy to fake e mails if you've got a willing accomplice who's still working there.

Very glad you've decided not to move to the Middle East OP. If I were you, I'd make a few enquiries of your own about some of this and also speak to your parents about what's really been going on.