Aibu to be so, so angry and hurt by DH's decision (long, sorry)

[coodymow]

I am not a regular poster although I am always lurking. However, I am so upset at the moment and I don?t know if I have a right to be or if I am just being emotional and hormonal. I will try and keep this to the point and hope you have the patience to read it.

DH has left me and DD to go on a luxury (once in a life time) all expenses paid trip with his former employers (it was a promotion he qualified for whilst still working for them). The reason I have not gone is because children are not allowed and its couples or singles only. This was not stated whilst the promotion was on-going, in fact the details about the trip were hidden until those that qualified were announced.

DH has spent most days off/weekends and evenings over the last 2 years putting in the legwork to meet the targets for this trip. We have argued so much over the fact he wasn?t spending time with me and dd, and all he used to say was he was doing this for me and dd, for us as a family so that we could have this amazing once in a lifetime holiday etc. etc. A few of his colleagues that qualified have chosen not to go as it?s during term time, no childcare for the kids and also because they didn?t want to leave their kids behind whilst they went on holiday. I told him I wouldn?t go if it meant leaving dd behind, also told him I wouldn?t stop him from going but if he did go it would leave me in no doubt what was more important to him (i.e. not our relationship or family)

DH no longer works for this company and has recently started a job in the middle east which has meant, packing up and storing all of our belongings, renting our lovely house out, me and dd going to live with his parents (challenging, as they can barely be civil to me at times) whilst we wait for him to find us somewhere to live and join him out there in the next few months. I also found out I was pregnant just before he left which has added to the tension around the house as frankly I have felt like shit most of the time and my bullshit threshold was a lot lower than it usually is.

We recently left my in-laws to come stay with my family as it was getting too much and the daily comments were upsetting me so much I used to cry myself to sleep (hormones?). Me and dd are currently living out of suitcase, in my parent?s spare bedroom whilst waiting to join husband in the Middle East. I wasn?t happy but agreed to the move as it was better money and prospects than what he was on here. I also worked part time in a job I loved but had to give that up due to having to move to my parents? house which is another town. All in all the last few months have been very stressful.

I am so, so angry at him I can barely mention his name without bursting into tears (of anger and frustration). I feel like a fucking doormat/mug, aibu unreasonable for not expecting him to go without his family? Am I mug for believing him when he said he was doing this for us? Or am I a just crazed hormonal pregnant woman who isn?t thinking straight? I am so tempted to text him and just tell him what a fucking arse he is for going without us.

Also, asking DH to choose between job and family is mad in the present recession.

Do you really want him to give up what he is good at and do errrrr what? - a carer in a old people's home? and don't think of nice 9-5 office job as they don't exist any more unless you can live on 12,000 a year.

I don't know anyone other than teachers (and there aren't any jobs there either) who have a 'normal' day. Everyone nurses, drivers, police, doctors work shifts and/or long hours. Every company wants staff to be committed and work without complaint.

Imo you should cut DH some slack.

True you situation is pretty miserable just now but things will be sorted out in time. Can you make a visit to the ME to look at properties, schools etc so you don't feel so left out? This is normal in my experience, for wife to visit, but my DH worked for oil company so we were relatively spoilt. 9 months is a long time to stay at home fretting.

Mayiout you suggest the op should "get a grip" and go and live in the ME with a man who cannot be bothered to make arrangements to see his pregnant wife and DD, whilst he is in the UK?

Op none of us know what your DH is up to. He may just be a selfish twit who needs to be reminded that he should make more of an effort to be a good DH and father. Or he could be up to something else.

Whatever it is I think you are right to put off moving until you have had the baby and in that time you can try to find out what is going through your DH mind. It really isn't acceptable for him to see his parents whilst he is in the UK but to make no effort to see you.

So funny, Mayisout, that you think teachers have a normal day's work.

Last week I worked 8-7, 8-7, 8-9, 8-9 and 8-6.

I started work at 10 this morning and am still working now. I'll stop working at about 6pm and will be doing more tomorrow.

Yes, it's coursework and exam time, but this is common for a long, long time every year.

I find it amazing that people's standards are so low in their relationship that they think the OP should get a grip.

Mayisout have you read the whole thread? The OP isn't asking her H to choose between his family and his job. She is rightly pissed off at the way he is treating her and is trying to work out what she should do.

I think people have low standards too IB, but I also think there are a lot of women who make trade-offs; a comfortable lifestyle instead of an intimate marriage with a father who shares parenting - and instead of a career of their own. OP's perfectly reasonable not to want to make that trade-off - I wouldn't either.

I agree with the post from Carabos, up thread.

Even if the holiday is genuine, something about this whole situation stinks. It's a good idea to stay in UK until DC2 born. Can I suggest you get legal advice?

Also, forgive me if this has come up already, but how much do your parents know? Have you told them everything? You need their support, someone to be in your side.

Are you sure we don't have the same dh????
This story is very similar 2 mine. We have had 2 uproot from the Uk, 2 move 2 Oz, as we're doing it 4 the girls emotional blackmail never works with me
I have given up every aspect of my life including my job that I have been in 4 near 15yrs 2 do this move, and all the while we are out here, he is working the same long hours he did back home, and he's doing his own thing, going 2 rugby, watching and playing, going out with work colleagues while I am left holding a 2 and a half yr old nighmare child and a 10mo baby.
The only person who has benefitted from the move was him, and no one else. He has also cut me off financially, and I haven't a clue what's going on, as he thinks just telling me, is good enough.
My dd's don't get 2 see their gp (who were actively involved with them), and lots of friends who were gr8 support.
I have been here over 6 months now, and have not made a single friend, and have joined lots of groups in order 2 make friends.
All I'm saying is YADNBU, and if ur not happy with the move 2 the Middle East, don't do it, I am soooooo lonely :(
I think ur dh is a complete selfish bastard, and go ask him if he wants 2 meet my dh 4 a drink, as I think they could be gr8 friends ;)

I agree, Hatty - I think the OP is reasonable. My comment was for Mayisout who thought the OP was unreasonable.

Agree, please tell your parents then you have someone in rl to talk to.

Longdistance, in your position I'd get your mum to phone up to say there's an emergency, pack up the kids and come back. From here I'd email saying I wasn't going back.

Life is too bloody short to put up with a bastard.

My comment about the OP being perfectly reasonable was for Mayisout too. For the life of me I can't see how the OP's plight entitles anyone to tell her to 'get a grip'....

Everyone I have ever known who has gone to work abroad has rented temp accommodation as a family while they looked for a more permanent rental that was suitable. Very odd behaviour.

What an Ass the OP's Dh is.
I too hope you don't pack up and move to the ME in this situation. You will be stuck there, pregnant with no support (he's already shown how supportive he can be)
Once moved, you can't just move your children back to UK without his permission even if they are UK citizens. Women get trapped in countries they don't want to be in due to residency rules, and then accused of kidnapping when they up and go home with their kids leaving a loveless marriage behind. It happens more often that you could imagine.

Coodymow,

I live in the ME, although not in the country you're going to.

You should be able to enter on a tourist visa for 3 months, so you can be with your H whilst your own paper work is going through. If your visa isn't through before the 3 months are up, you fly in and out of the country to renew it, so it isn't difficult.

However - BEWARE! If Kuwait is like where I live, domestic law is Sharia Law and your H may be able to take and keep your DC should you decide to leave him. The law will usually be on his side. Read up on it before you commit to such an upheaval.

Take care and think through the possible ramifications of your unhappiness if you move abroad.

TMD x

Perhaps some people are v bad judges of character and OP has inadvertantly married a two-timing, manipulative, selfish, inconsiderate barst......d. Who only wants to get her abroad so that he can take her two children off her to live with his floozie and DPs. In that case head for a lawyer fast.

However in my post I was remembering how upset and alone I felt at home alone with small DCs whilst DH was, in my eyes, living an exciting and fulfilling life in exotic climes in an interesting and demanding job.Too busy to stress and worry about how his DW was coping. But to me he was being selfish and uncaring, being a SAHM was not the fulfilling life I had expected . However, with hindsight, harping on at him was a waste of time, he was doing what he was good at and had good prospects. Had he given that up for a more mundane less demanding job he would really have needed a personality change and, to be honest, if I'd spent our married life stuck in one place with less financial security I would have lived to regret it. Also DCs seem be none the worse for moving around.

To complicate matters OP's DH may be from a different culture so that could bring more complicated attitudes and expectations from him and his family. Hence visiting his DPs and not DW.

Also when moving with a company they call the shots. There isn't normally someone in HR especially to help and reassure anxious spouses. You just have to get on with it.

There are nice and not so nice places in the ME. I suggest OP starts looking into their destination and planning for that. If they are with a big company then her healthcare will be covered and she should visit what could be a top of the range maternity hospital to see what will be available (on the other hand might not be the case and she should have DC at home).

So I think OP is a 'crazed hormonal pregnant woman who isn?t thinking straight?' like I was in similar circumstances.

Methinks you should try to pack his inlaws off to the ME to live with him and then you move into their your house. Your MIL sounds a nasty, unreasonable woman - little wonder your husband is completely selfish arse if she's raised him.

I echo the posters who say to give his old company a ring. If he isnt up to anything he shouldnt be then it shouldnt cause a problem should it?

i agree with tartyflette worra....what the hell is he playing at? who is this move benefiting? and as for the stopovers surely your dd would be pleased to see him for a few hours than not at all, how upset would she be if she realized he had been to your PIL's and not to see her? and aside from your dd why would he not want to come and spend a few hours with you after missing out on 2 years of weekends etc
personally i think the issue regarding the holiday is a bit 'sketchy' you mentioned his colleagues have families too, surely the fact children cant attend would have been mentioned considering there was more than one employee with children
i dont think yabu but maybe you need a few hours of 'you' time with friends to forget about your troubles and come back to them with a clear head

sorry ive just realised ive missed 7 pages worth of posts...im new here

Wondering at what point he borrowed money against the ILs' house and why. He seems motivated enough to put in long hours of work and quite a go-getter so wondering how come he could have needed the money.

Your situation is pretty tough. You have an awful lot of change to cope with (moving house twice in short period of time, leaving town and work, moving in with IL then family), plus you have been literally abandoned AND you are pregnant and caring for a small child.

I defy anyone to go through all this and be cheery about it.

However, with regards to the holiday, it does sound as though it was always on the cards and possibly you are feeling particularly upset about it because of your circumstances. I mean, if you were still in your own home, your job etc you would probably be feeling quite different/better.

So don't underestimate the impact that your temporary living circumstances are having on your state of mind.

And it is never a good idea to make long-term plans while feeling low.

Can you try to take a more day-by-day approach for now? Ensure you get rest, support, some sort of nice thing going on, and literally just see how you go?

Might it be that when your visas are through, that you & dd could go to ME to see how you feel when you get there? Give it a month at least?

Is it possible that when you are there and settled, you & dh have time to talk, that you will feel better? Or do you think that he still won't have time for you?

Sorry for all the questions, I just feel that you are being a little rail-roaded into believing your marriage is over and your dh doesn't care for you but maybe it isn't and maybe he does. Men can be pretty clumsy communicators but surely it's worth talking through at least.

good point math.