When life throws you potatoes, make chips! Be disappointed but never defeated! Dating thread No:13

[ChaoticAngel]

"you say potato, I say potatNO"

Down with potatoes

As you were....

actually, in my experience it did. I could cope with him not loving me anymore or wanting the relationship to end, teh fact that he got a bj off of a woman at his best friends engagement party, while I was home looking after our three children, the youngest of which was 9 months old and then entered a relationship with her, both of them having the knowledge that the children and I existed...and she was younger and thinner and dumber than me.

and he swanned off to play happy families with the third party, taking our children out for the day, while I sat in my shitty little flat and cried.

(I'm not as bitter as this anymore incidentally, I was absolutely furious at the time that somoen who professed to love me would have the fucking temerity to treat me so shoddily.)

so, yes. it's worse when there is a third party involved.

It's a tricky one. Has he left because he fell in love with someone and would he leave anyway even if he hadn't met that person, or has his meeting this person caused him to leave. I honestly don't think a man would be open to an affair unless the marriage wasn't working. There are still lots of very happily married people who wouldn't look outside a marriage.

Of course there are lots of shits on the internet looking for a shag behind their partners backs.

And I can absolutely believe that Snape.

It hurts still to think he did that and I still have questions, but I stayed yep stupid foolish me, the abuse got worse until I did leave.

Some marriages end well, 2 people grow apart but they end up best friends. I have read about it, neither is upset, sad maybe that it didn't work, but not like those who have been cheated on, I felt furious (i didn't find out for over 2 years) and all I could do was curl up and cry (no miracle at the time) but I have self healed with some help.

I just think relationships are complex, confusing, painful and a massive drain on your resource's...and thats the good ones

Exactly my point adams, men look outside the marriage for 'relief' when the marriage isn't working. If it's so bad why not look up a counsellor instead of looking for another woman to soothe his soul? He's not making any effort ot solve the marital problems is he? He is looking to make himself feel happier, with no thought of the consequences to his wife or family.

They are complex loves but they don't have to be quite so complex and painful, deceit is one of those things that adds to the complexity.

adams, yes, I think the internet has increased cheating, and the more it happens the more people who might be tempted come to see it as the norm.

I'm not denying cheating causes alot of pain...but it's always happened to probably the roots of it are in some sense integral to the human condition.

Perhaps in the future relationships will be more open and fluid and people will be ok with that because it will be normal and society will be structured in such a way as to accommodate that?

But Snape, had he left before he started receiving BJ's from friends you would have still been left crying and wondering why he left. That way you knew why. I don't mean to lessen the hurt you felt but it will always be there if they move on 6 months later or leave for someone. I must have felt worse because 2 people you knew deceived you. This isn't always the case.

Any marriage breakdown is heart breaking, messy and just crap.

I suspect that relationships are complex and painful largely because people are complex and in pain!

I've slept with two married men (that I know of)

One was a full relationship and I found out 6 months into it. I did stay with him for two more months as he spun me the 'I'm leaving her' line but after the two months of no obvious leaving - always an excuse why he couldn't - I did end the relationship

The second one I did knowingly, he is one of my best friends and we live at other ends of the country. I know his wife quite well and I know for a fact they don't have a sexlife and haven't since youngest was born (she's 11), wife has told me she will never have sex with him again as she has no libido and knows he gets sex elsewhere. I love him dearly as a friend and we had had our friendship for 8 years when we had sex. It hasn't been repeated as we live so far away but if we get another weekend together, I can't say it wouldn't happen again.

I think there are two kinds of cheaters - the ones that shag around because they can (my first one) and people in sexless marriages who are unhappy but either feel they can't leave or don't want to due to finances and children

Yes loves I do agree with you there. SolidGoldBrass makes perfect sense in her posts on the subject.

Adams I think we have to respect how deeply her partners infidelity hurt her and not question or deviate from it. I wouldn't appreciate it, my pain is my pain, felt by me and not up for debate. I appreciate you don't mean to lessen Snapes hurt but, with respect, it is coming across that way.

I think most of us are too fucked up, too naive, too lacking in insight and often just too dumb to have good, easy relationships

( am of course extrapolating from my own, sorry experiences :o )

There may be different reasons for cheating MrsC but cheating is cheating. Innit

I dunno loves, I think when you are in a relationship there are so many pressures, expectations, standards, etc, there's such a lot to maintain. It's bloody hard work. And that's not including having kids, mortgages, debts, housework, blah blah blah. What starts of f as fun and lovely, just becomes a chore. Then resentment creeps in, boredom perhaps, routine too.. And all of that is why I do NOT want a 'relationship'. I want the fun stuff but none of the crap stuff

Mrs C, the mis matched libido thing is very tricky tho.
Who here would be ok with a partner who said no more sex ever...what would you do??

Maybe, just maybe, it's relationships that fuck us up!!

damn sure they have a big hand in it!

You decide what your priorities are loves, you weigh up whether or not the good in the relationship outweighs not ever having sex again. If you come to the conclusion that you can't live without sex then you sit down like the mature adult that you are and you talk to your partner and you explain that although you love them you can't live without sex. If your partner allows you could agree an open relationship, if not then you split. You give your partner a choice in the outcome of the relationship that involves them too.

Me too!! Marriage/living together has a lot to answer for.

And there is Zany, awaiting a proposal

The pity of it all is that the gut-wrenching feeling of utter despair and hopelessness we feel when we realise that our partner had not felt the same depth of love we did for them leaves scars, and as much as we all say we've gotten over our emotional baggage the experience makes us see subsequent partners or potential partners not only as a potential life partner worthy of our love, trust and respect but also as the next in line to rip our heart out and tear us apart.

On an episode of Boston Legal Allan Shore asked Denny Crane how he could still believe in the concept of 'The One' after being married five or six times, Denny said "It's the only belief that really matters." It's a nice sentiment but I think our frame of reference for love changes as we progress through life and relationships. To keep on with the cliches, in each new relationship we spend more time looking over our shoulder, waiting for the other shoe to drop, or even just seeing the glass half empty when it's really half full.

And that's as deep as I get at 9:20pm alone (again) on a Friday night when I need a shower and my wonderful gorgeous loveable daughter bought herself a new electric wok and gave me the old one... so a chicken stir fry needs to be assembled post haste to test this new appliance! :-)

of course that is the logical answer time but I suspect that in real life most couples with uneven sex drives stumble along and dont really resolve things

Stumbling along is fine though loves as long as they are happy (or miserable) to do so. And yes, it is the logical answer to discuss the problem and come to a resolution that suits both parties. It's when one party makes what could be considered a selfish decision, that the complexity arises.

would I prefer 'i'm sorry, this isn't working, i just don't love you anymore' to 'I've met someone else' ? yes. absolutely. The fact that I am being 'replaced', that every time we had sex since he started seeing her, he put my sexual health at risk, that he wasn't there for me and our children because he was shagging around. yes. absolutely. (this is all largely hypothetical now, It was a very very long time ago...)

I am a jealous god.

(this thread will last a week as well i guess, before we're onto 14....) :)

oh no, i feel for a fact its worse when a third party is involved. If the marriage had just gone stale and mutually ended it would be hurtful, yes. but not so gutwrenchingly sickening.
I am not bitter about it now, my ex husband was one who cheated because he could. and wanted to. it was no refection on his marriage, only his need to chase women who werent his wife. But that second when you find a text, or a pitcure, or an email, or someone tells you, and literally your whole life and what you thought you had is turned on its head, fuck no, i would not do that to anyone. i wouldnt be part of it, knowingly.
I wouldnt be part of ruining childrens lives, breaking up their families, i wouldnt be part of making the wife feel a failure, feel like shes worthless and not good enough. Wouldnt be part of making another woman sit, trying to internet date and work, and build her confidence that her husband smashed. fuck no.

and yes, while some cheaters may cheat becuse there are problems in a marriage, and some cheat because they just can. they are married, they took vows, they promised things to each other. they should have the damn respect to sort that issue or deal with that first before sticking their cocks into other womens orfices.