Beautifulwho had to call women's aid

[beautifulwho]

I have taken my debit cards back, my DH was not happy, he was really angry that I wouldn't give him them back 'think of the boys, when you've spent all our money and there's no food for them'. He was pacing, shouting, broke the stair gate by banging it closed and stood in the doorway holding my DS2 not letting me through whilst shouting at me. I asked him to trust me to not spend money as yes this has been an issue (taking boys into town for coffee, getting them a toy etc when feeling low) not massive amounts but we don't have massive amounts of spare cash.

He wouldn't leave for work and was incensed that I wouldn't give the cards back. I kept praying whilst he was shouting for strength and he text the pastor's wife before driving off to work telling her I had stolen my cards and was planning on going on a spending spree. She said there is not a lot they can do if we can't resolve arguments by ourselves but they will come over tomorrow afternoon. I told her how he behaved but she wasn't bothered really, exasperated probably. I'm shakin and crying and so alone I don't know what to do. No-one to contact for impartial advice so I called women's aid and they will call back when a volunteer is free...sorry for another one of these threads but I just feel so mixed up. He said I wa on a downer and not making sense and not answering his questions. I'm lost again x

Oh yes! You can make it just how you want it. Your safe place, your room.

Have a look on respect's website. They're an organisation that work with abusive men. If he's serious about changing perhaps he'll do some work with them. It's very sad that he grew up in a household where abuse took place but he's still making a choice every time he behaves abusively to you.

You're sounding so much better and stronger, you're on your way to getting things on the path they should be.

I'm at the cath kidson spare room - we don't have a spare room any more and I've got a house full of boys so the best I've got is a cath kidson style spotty bag to please Ds2 who is obsessed with Mr Tumble at the moment.

beautifulwho you've had a lot of good advice here both about your faith and about your domestic situation, but everything you have said here leaves me wondering about your relationship with God - this is as opposed to your relationship with your church. It strikes me that you are allowing your relationship with your church to be the more powerful voice - and I acknowledge that you have very good reasons for this. However, right now it seems to me that your church is letting you down, and that your relationship with it is not a healthy one, contributing as it seems to me, to you staying in an abusive relationship.

I am an atheist, but you strike me as someone who has a deep and genuine faith which will help you - but only if you let your relationship with God guide you, especially where it is in conflict with what your church is saying. It's scary being independent, but if you build your relationship with your God you will be the stronger for it.

I have no doubt that there are many faith groups out there who would have supported you and not blindly taken your husband's side - you are bound to find one of these and find the faith community to go alongside your personal bond with God. You deserve so much better than what you have now.

Your decision to stay and support him is understandable and I wish it really works.

BUT: be very clear about what will be your cut off point.

He will probably try to revert to his old behaviour.
What will make you leave him?
Write that down and keep that always in your mind.

Pointythings yes! Thank you, I think I have been more worried by what 'they' think than what God would want for me and my boys.

Cath Kidston bunting too hooray for mummy beautifulwho! Have fairy lights round the headboard, 'tis the only girly room in the house.

I will write down circumstances in which I will have to leave and write them down, a very good idea especially with the mind games going on, I need to draw the line and stick to it x

Fluffy fairy lights. And a pink mini fridge for pink bubbly wine. And a bolt on the door so you can lock out the world

Would love to come on here and say things are ok bit they're not, talked to DH about home getting some help and he basically said he would but when he's had help/counselling then I'll realise this is actually all down to me and my depression. That my depression affects the boys more than anything he does because I'm up down and hormonal- which is why he gets angry in the first place.

He thinks I'm expecting all our problems to disappear if he gets some help, which isn't what I'm saying at all what's the point

Sorry for the typos

He said he isn't saying that he won't get help but the problem is me basically.

The problem is that he doesn't think he's done anything wrong.

You can't change this. You could spend the next 20 years being raped and allowing your sons to think that how their father behaves is how women should be treated while you pray for a miracle. Or you can let God help you find a better life.

Beautiful, of course he says that, he has no intention of changing, he is trying so many tactics! Sympathy, excusing himself, blaming you (again), medicalising his behaviour, promising things...

He will not get a sleep referral as he won't dare spin his line on that to a health professional, he knows it won't stand up and will give rise to big concern. his alleged sleep problem causes him to sexually assault and rape you and claim he didn't know what he was doing! Hmmmm Any GP would get big alarm bells immediately!

Counselling (joint) is not a good idea with abusers, as it can become a forum for further kinds of abuse.

a book sometimes rcommended here is Lundy Bancroft "why does he do that?" www.lundybancroft.com/?page_id=142 It argues that abusive men, who may say they are like they are because of their chldhood, bad experiences, or whatever, actually choose and feel entitled to abuse.

Really glad you're now in touch with Womens Aid. Also great that you have your own room.

With respect to staying with your DH for the sake of your boys, how about planning to leave for the boys? You're being mistreated terribly, and have been so miserable at times recently that you've felt suicidal and like you have to leave the boys. Living with a man that does that to a woman is not good for children, even if he treats them impeccably. They could grow up thinking that how he treats you is normal, they may begin to treat you like he does too, or treat a future wife that way. And you would continue to be abused and unhappy, and find it hard to parent them the way you want to.

Maybe for now it could help to disengage from debate with DH to, hopefully, make his day to day behaviour a little easier to cope with and reflect quietly on what you might do next.

What both oxfordbags ane neuroticmumof3 wrote earlier.

Its not you beautiful its him can you not see that. He is acting like this because HE CAN. He does not have AS or any sleep disorder and is more than happy with things as they are. He gets what he wants out of this i.e keeping you in that hole he has dug for you, he can manipulate you so very easily and fill you full of self doubt. Abuse is all about power and control; he wants absolute over you and uses your religious beliefs and depression (that he has caused you to develop) against you to boot. He is a truly wicked and evil individual who will continue to deliberately and systematically destroy the person you are till you are but a shell and you have no fight left. He hates and despises you, he does not want your help or anyone's else help because at heart he thinks he is doing nothing wrong. He will never go and get any help because he does not want any help and certainly does not want your help or support.

"He said he isn't saying that he won't get help but the problem is me basically"
Abusive men like your H more often than not use such a turn of phrase and absolves himself of all responsibility for his actions blaming you instead for how he acts. He is responsible solely for his actions and also showing you no remorse at all. Things will NEVER improve either for you or your children and the longer you stay within this marriage the worst it will be for you and your children. He is happy to drag you all down with him.

What are you both teaching them about relationships here?. What do you want for your children?. Another 5/10 years of seeing this for instance will more likely than not damage them irreparably just as your H is and they could go onto act like your H does within a relationship. That is no legacy to leave them is it?. You do not want that for them.

Both of you had dysfunctional toxic childhoods (he heard parents scream and shout at each other and saw his dad treat his mother with utter and abusive contempt); am I surprised that this is now being replicated with you?. No, not a bit of it. Toxic abuse as well can seep down the generations and now as well as you, your children are also in the firing line.

Someone once said that the worse type of bad man is the religious bad man; I think this person has a point. He is actively using your beliefs to keep you in the hole he dug for you and now you're growing flowers in it by making excuses for him.

He is responsible for his behaviour and every time he abuses you he makes a conscious choice to do so as well.

God would not want you and your children to suffer like this. WA can help you get away from him but you need to find that strength within you to do so. Staying with your abusive H is no option.

Oh, yes, attila, the asperger's thing is rubbish, and quite insulting to people with AS!

If he's blaming you for everything then the chances of his behaviour changing are zero I'm afraid. If he does start counselling be careful about believing what he tells you. He'll probably come home and tell you the counsellor says it's all down to you. Don't get dragged into any joint counselling sessions, it's completely inappropriate in an abusive relationship and he would undoubtedly use it to make you feel worse than you already do.

Pointy makes a really good point.

I'm praying for you.

Sounds like your husband was feeding your pastor a line. Keep a diary, even if just a series of posts on here, and you will be able to see what is going on.

I think your eyes have been opened. I hope that they stay that way and that you are helped to act in the right way for you and your sons.

Love that Cath Kidston - you have great taste!

Beautiful - my ex told my dh once that the only way to get through to me was violence. He blamed EVERY problem in our relationship on me, he never once took any responsibility for anything. I wasn't perfect but I didn't deserve to be treated badly.

There is no sleep clinic in the country that would excuse rape btw. He has no intention of accepting any of this is his problem.

You know you wouldn't be half so depressed - or depressed at all - if he didn't rape you and abuse you and scare you and treat you with so much contempt.

beautiful, he is wrong. This is not your fault.

Why did you leave your church at the point of ordination? I seem to remember you saying something earlier in this thread that it was something to do with your h?

Found it!

beautifulwho Thu 26-Apr-12 09:16:53

Haha morris you don't know how ironic that is. I used to be Anglican and was going to be ordained until I met DH and realised I couldn't be as I had boobies!

Can we talk about that?

Hello Jux I left the Anglican church because I was a member of a really bad example of an Anglican church. St. Lucifer's (sorry but I was sure half the congregation were his minions) was terrible and I was at St. John's College going through the ordination process but wanted to work with young people in a fresh expression of church. Maybe it was just the diocese I was in but the opinions of the other vicars and sometimes the bishop was shocking and totally unbiblical, I had to get out of there as I couldn't play along and of you can't play the game they spit you out. I also felt I had been called to be a deacon which means to serve or servant not a vicar but they said they were sure I would be a vicar. My personal belief is that women shouldn't have authority over men and this view is based on scripture and one I appreciate many women and some men disagree with as the bible can be interpreted differently.

I was on the BIshop's council, DCC, PCC and the youth council. I got to know someone who was a diamond in the rough, shall we say, and he changed my view on Jesus, who He is and that I didn't owe the church anything. I was painfully lonely and he was the first person to hug me on nearly 3 years .

I left to join a church that stood by there beliefs and talked about the Jesus I had come to know. I knew it had a bad name but I also knew that it had that name because it took the bible seriously and expected it's members to do the same.

*their simples

beautiful, thanks for telling me. It does sound like you were unfortunate in your diocese; I ust say that I have not heard of instances of people being pushed into any form of ministry that didn't sit well with them themselves, self-defeating I would have thought. As it was, they lost someone who, I think, would have been completely fabulous in the role you envisaged.

Do I take it that this diamond in the rough is your h? I'm afraid he saw you coming, not to put too fine a point on it.

I think what you need is time on your own for contemplation. I think you get need people around you who don't know your background but who have some theological interest and knowledge. Can you go on retreat for a week? Tell the old man it will help with your depression.

Incidentally, there was a thread a long time ago by a woman whose husband was behaving fairly similarly to yours. When he hit her in front of the children he was charged, and evetually put away. Right up to the last he was texting her suggesting ways of sorting out her problems.

Retreat not an option really, used to go annually when I was single and no little ones.

I think it was timing that was wrong with the ordination, I still feel 'called' but know now it has to be in God's timing not mine.

And the diamond, no it wasn't DH, it was a dear friend who I felt was a kindred spirit at the time x

Maybe your diamond still is a kindred spirit? Are you able to get back in touch?

I have, he was lovely and his usual straight talking self. He married with three children and lives up north. DH does NOT like him, meh