Beautifulwho had to call women's aid

[beautifulwho]

I have taken my debit cards back, my DH was not happy, he was really angry that I wouldn't give him them back 'think of the boys, when you've spent all our money and there's no food for them'. He was pacing, shouting, broke the stair gate by banging it closed and stood in the doorway holding my DS2 not letting me through whilst shouting at me. I asked him to trust me to not spend money as yes this has been an issue (taking boys into town for coffee, getting them a toy etc when feeling low) not massive amounts but we don't have massive amounts of spare cash.

He wouldn't leave for work and was incensed that I wouldn't give the cards back. I kept praying whilst he was shouting for strength and he text the pastor's wife before driving off to work telling her I had stolen my cards and was planning on going on a spending spree. She said there is not a lot they can do if we can't resolve arguments by ourselves but they will come over tomorrow afternoon. I told her how he behaved but she wasn't bothered really, exasperated probably. I'm shakin and crying and so alone I don't know what to do. No-one to contact for impartial advice so I called women's aid and they will call back when a volunteer is free...sorry for another one of these threads but I just feel so mixed up. He said I wa on a downer and not making sense and not answering his questions. I'm lost again x

Seeing the elders doesn't sound even remotely helpful. Don't be fooled by your DH claiming that childhood/anger issues are why he's abusive. These are just excuses. The reason he is abusive is because he thinks he's entitled to behave like that and justified in doing so.

Doha- religion doesn't, doing right by my father in heaven does so back off or I'll get the crazy eyes out again!

Agree, neurotic

Your DH does sound like he's having a change of heart but he does need to demonstrate a huge commitment to changing - talk is not enough. I've had anger issues myself and still do when I'm really low, DH has talked about walking away from it plenty of times and all I've really done is explained why I behave the way I do...but I have made steps to change things in my life to deal with it. One of the things keeping me together was knowing my DH would still be there for me so it was bit of a wake up call to realise he was reaching his limit of what he could deal with.

Good luck with women's aid in the morning. You need a plan and a goal - e.g if things haven't changed in __ weeks then you will leave.

Oh love, the elders really aren't getting the picture are they. I am so angry on your behalf! For your sake I hope your DH can really change, but don't be fooled by just words. Good luck with women's aid!

ASPERGER SYNDROME IS NOT AN EXCUSE FOR BEING A CUNT

Sorry, just had to get that in. After many years of working with people with AS, I get very when people on here use it as an excuse for acting like a cock.

Tbh, nor is depression any excuse for abuse. As a sufferer myself, I can hand on heart say that even in the depths of ptsd, sobbing several times daily and not making it even into clean pyjamas let alone clothes, I have never been abusive towards dp.

Abusive people are abusive because they choose to act abusively.

PS the Bible debate was started to help the OP reconcile her belief that the woman should be submissive with her conviction that her treatment was wrong. I apologise if my quotes have caused offense.

I'm sure you've read enough threads in this part of the board to know that most abusive men do this. There is a pattern to the behaviour. They will do whatever they do, then be sorry, honeymoon, then abuse again. Abusive men will say whatever they think needs to be said to get the pressure off, to placate you, to get you back into that nice submissive state which makes his life easy but completely messes yours up because he keeps telling you that black is white and you have to try to believe him because you're so confused that you think he might actually be right.

I really hope he is sincere, I really, really do. I don't think he is.

So let's say, for argument, that he genuinely means it; that he really will try to change himself. It is not easy and will take some time. In the meantime he will almost certainly behave as he always has most of the time, because that's his default setting and that's what makes him comfortable. So you will be on the receiving end of it, as usual.

This is not going to help either of you, or your children. It won't help him because there is no incentive for him to make the real effort to change, the effort to understand that you deserve, and have the right to expect, respect from him. It won't help you because you will still suffer from his abuse.

The only way to sort this out is for you to live apart from each other for a while. This doesn't have to be permanent unless you want it to be, but you may not be able to make that monumental decision at the moment. What you need is space. You need to be safe, somewhere where he can't dominate and control you or the children. Really, that means he moves out, but you may need a refuge or some such - how likely is it that he will agree to move out until he has his behaviour under control, adjusts his thinking and actions so that he is able to make you feel cherished and protected?

You are going to need quite a few months away from him in order to get your head together, to remember who you are, to remember that when you see black you can call it black, and not struggle to work out whether it's white.

It may be that WA will be able to give you and your lovely children a place immediately - take it. Please. You may have to wait for that a little while, or you may just go and rent somewhere using housing benefit (to which you will be entitled - WA help you sort out benefits etc).

May I also remind you that the most dangerous time for an abused person is the time when they are preparing to leave. I am not saying this to scare you, but you need to be aware. This is when the abuser brings out the big guns - the charm, the presents, the kindness, all the things with they hooked you with in the first place. If they don't work then the reversion to being the bad guy is swift and strong. Men who have not actually hit their partner before may well do it at this time. Don't mention WA to him, and if WA tell you you need to go now then go.

Beautiful, you have tried so hard and you do not deserve to be in this situation. God loves us, and he hasn't put us here so he can watch us being miserable or being destroyed by life; he wants your life to be filled with joy so that you can love him with joy in your heart. You deserve someone who will genuinely love you, whose life work will be to protect you and your children, to make you happy, where just your smile will make his heart sing.

Purple is right. I used to work with people with Asperger's/autism. They didn't behave like cunts. If one of them did, and was told, they bent over backwards to try to understand, to generalize the 'rules' of normal behaviour, to not do that thing again, because they didn't want to upset people or be rude or disrespectful or to appear stupid, any more than you or I would. As Purple said, Asperger's doesn't make you a cunt. Being a cunt makes you a cunt.

Forget his "goodwill", get rid of him.

He is still trying to manipulate you.

I've asked him if he thinks we should stay together whilst we work things out- making sure that it won't affect the boys. I'll be discussing my options with women's aid tomorrow about this obviously but he thinks we should. I am wondering if this is heart change or just the start of another honeymoon period?

I'm sorry, but he should have asked you to stay, not the other way around!
You are telling him that it doesn't matter what he does, you won't leave, just as long as he is "trying".
Trying is not doing.

You need clear boundaries and to define what will make you leave him.
Tell him and stick to it.

Never mind elders, sw or whatever.

Your boundaries.

One of the best lessons I ever learnt was self reliance. That does not necessarily mean never asking for help. Ultimately, you must make the decisions which will make the changes in your life. Do not rely on being told what to do through rules or dogma. People in your church are not helping you - they would like you to put up and shut, be the submissive wife.

You need a safe, secure place for you and your children to live - getting away from your H will be the first step in securing that well-being. It won't be easy as at every turn, no doubt H will give you all the reasons why you must not do so, citing what it says in the bible etc. You may have to live somewhere you would never choose but it would be a start.

Your faith may help you make some decisions but do not allow other people to interrupt that process. Use your faith as part of your own, inner strength, as a basis for doing what you need, not as a basis for telling you what you should not do. Your faith should enable and inspire you and you should not let the church or its representatives hold you back. No doubt H would tell you his faith inspired him to act as he did over your cards...

Good luck. (One of the faithless here)

I am still praying for you.

I notice that in a meeting about you being repeatedly attacked your husband managed to make it all about him and how much help he needs. Can you be sure that he has told the truth? Or if there is truth in there, how much of it is real and how much drama to make sure that you are not getting the help and support that is necessary to survive? I use the word survive, because you are barely making it as it is.

You are not really in a position to help him. He needs trained people to help him (assuming he actually needs help instead of just to stop being abusive), he has a support network in the stupid pastor and the stupid pastor's wife. With the best will in the world, the most generous interpretation, as he goes through anger management there are likely to be days when he gets worse as he deals with various issues. You need to protect the children from that.

Your husband would shamelessly use any issue against you, so use this against him - keep going on about the safety of the children, the effect on their development, the need to model safe behaviour until your husband is in a good place. I would suggest no contact until he had gone through a full, accredited course and then only staged contact, supervised contact for the children at a safe contact centre - after all, if it is so bad that he thinks it's okay to repeatedly assault you, it is okay for you to say to the pastor - I need to keep the children safe.

btw - he is so genuine about this that he groped you after you had stood your ground and repeatedly said 'no' just twenty four hours previously.

Really, I think you know all these things. He didn't silence that inner voice that keeps nagging on at you about what is right and what is not. I am keeping posting to help get outside views and validation that things are not right, and to let you know that there are lots of people out there who really wish only good things for you, including lots of really intense Christians.

Praying that you find that womensaid works with that inner voice rather than against it, and that you find support and help.

Thank you for your advice, it's helping me see both sides. I am deliriously exhausted today, everything aches and all my muscles are like jelly but I think the meeting will help today (2pm). Just for someone to recognise that things have been so tough for a while and see me face to face will help.

I wasn't soft with DH he started to cry about how no one understands, he explained a few things and the answer time and time again was asking for help. I said in a naice way 'grow some balls' and get help, communicate with people and be a man, I said it was the same as self-harming; in not asking for help he's not just hurting himself but those around him and he will lose everything. He still denies being awake when he gropes me and doesn't remember at all about having sex with me whilst asleep- don't know what to think, you've got to have pretty good aim to do what he did in the position we were in and ahem, he doesn't always

The asd is something that i've noticed and he's wondered about but I really haven't a clue about it and although I have done some placements in a special needs school, no-one was labelled (thank god) so I really don't know what he can help, what he can't and what he could change with some help from the right people x

Glad that you can see the elders aren't in a position to help.

Just concentrate on the WA meeting now. Good luck with it!

I hope you get away from this man beautifulwho. What you have written about what he does to you and to your children is horrifying.

He's physically, sexually, emotionally and spiritually abusing you.

He's taken your faith and is using it to get you to submit to and be a target for his abusive behaviours.

Please work to get away from him. If the church doesn't have a get out clause for women to escape marriages where men are attacking them, then it's the church that's wrong. There is no sin or crime in protecting yourself or your family from a man who is attacking you.

Delurking to send you some strength today. I hope WA can help you take the next step, whatever you decide. But his abuse of you cannot continue.

beautiful, hope the meeting goes well and she can help you.

Beautiful, hopefully you are currently seeing the WA woman.

I hope that you will gain strength and resolve from this.

God bless xxfool

Hello everyone, women's aid worker has been and we agreed to speak or meet up once a week. I'm staying at home with the boys on the condition DH goes to the GP and gets referrals to counselling/anger management, sleep clinic and talks to Dr about possible Aspergers. I've set a time limit of 1 month for DH to have contacted GP, name on waiting lists and forms sent back for sleep clinic appointment. I can contact the support worker at any time if things get bad. I will also put my name down for the women's aid course (can't remember what it's called). I'm also going to ask DH to buy a mattress for the spare room so I can sleep in there until the sleep clinic have seen him and the night time groping is resolved- he still swears he has no recollection of any of the abuse at night .
I'll come back when I've ran this past DH and see if he'll agree, thank you for your thoughts and prayers

I think he should sleep in the spare room, beautiful. You're still putting yourself last.

i'm so glad you've got in touch with WA now. the course is probably the Freedom Programme, which i've heard is incredible. i'm sure if it's some other course it will be just as helpful to you.

you have a plan now! and people on your side. that is going to help so much. you aren't alone irl anymore!

thinking of you x

Agree with Jux - he is the one who should be in the spare room, not you. Are you going to tell him your marriage is on the line if he doesn't agree? I think your time limit is very generous too.

Op, AS is not 1% responsible for his behaviour. HE is responsible for his behaviour. Because he is an abusive cunt using religion as an excuse for his abuse and hatred of women.

My brother has AS. He is 6ft 7 and could kill someone without breaking a sweat. Instead, he is known as the BFG to his family and friends, because he is funny, gentle, kind and eccentric. He doesn't understand how and why others think and say things most of the time, but if he gets annoyed then it's at himself for not "getting it". He is married and has a daughter and whilst my SIL is never going to have hearts and flowers from him, he is tender, devoted and willing to learn and try better and is a wonderful Dad (even if he tried to get her into algebra and rugby statistics at 2!).

You sound like someone who think other people get to decide your life for you; like you need someone to be "above" you and direct your life, be it God, your husband or church elders. But you don't. YOU get to choose who you are and what you do and what your life is like and who is in it or not. Needing and expecting others to decide and direct things for you is making yourself a child again, but you're not. YOU are the adult, the parent and you need to stop focussing on others directing your life and start directing life for your children; by getting all of you away from this abuser.

I am an Atheist and cannot understand why anyone would want to believe in style of religion that tells me I am inferior to a man BUT I can tell you this: if there is a God, and if he wants you to live the life you're in right now, then he is evil, not good, and should be shunned. A loving God would never ask you to live this life, nit for one second. If you believe that women should submit to the husband, that only means submit to good, decent husbands who cherish and respect their wife's role and who want to bring sweetness, ease and love into their relationship, where their two different roles create one happy whole. I think you've waited long enough for your awful husband to fulfill his side of this contract, haven't you? He never will,because he doesn't want to. He is totally ungodly, even the most militant Atheist could see that from miles away.

He's not abusing you because he's got AS or he has a sleep disorder. He does not need to go on anger management or for counselling. The only thing that would have a hope of helping would be if he were to go on a perpetrator's programme. As he's currently denying his abuse of you I guess there's not much chance of that happening. Do not be distracted by these excuses. He's abusing you because he's an abuser. He's controlling and manipulative. He uses your religious beliefs to control you. I expect your women's aid worker is going to send you on the Freedom Programme. This will help you to identify abuse and realise that excuses are just that, excuses. Do not let him or the church find out you are seeing women's aid or thinking of going on the course. Stay strong and keep posting for support.

I've only been married for three years?! and I don't know enough about Aspergers to comment and yes I have always searched for parent type figures as mine let me down badly and I feel like I'm stuck at 15 years old, been in therapy, got the t-shirt. There is an order to things, it's the way God designed us to function. I'm not saying that the people around me have got it right or me for that matter. What I am saying is that I will give my DH a chance to put it right as he is my husband and I didn't marry him and have 2 boys with him to walk away. I will also not be a doormat.

He told me how his dad treated his mum when he was younger and he's always blocked it out, he never saw any major violence just the screaming and he realised that somehow by ignoring it he was repeating the behaviour. I will give him the chance to work through this, to seek help, of he doesn't I am not going to stick around for my boys to repeat the cycle x

Jux- I agree I should be telling him to move but it's like waking the dead and I've just decorated the spare bedroom, cath kidston bed spread and duvet cover, any excuse to sleep in there I'll take it!