how long was your engagement??

[BabyPeepyGobbler]

DP proposed to me in a lovely romantic way at christmas. We've been together almost five years, three DC...I was over the moon. He told me to go off and plan my ideal wedding, he wasn't bothered if I wanted to do it small and soon or lavish and wait a while. Each time I've wanted to talk about it or tried to set a date it's been met with the same response from him - "What, you mean this , isn't that a bit soon?" So what was the point in telling me to go off and plan it for whenever when he obviously has no intention of agreeing to the dates I come up with, and neither will he give any input of when he would be happy to do it!
I think if you want to marry someone, you want to marry them, simple as that, no need to wait yonks unless you want to save and spend a fortune (which I don't, it's not my style) and if you've already been living together for ages anyway, plus DC together, why drag out the engagement?

So what I'm asking (for a bit of perspective on the issue) is - how long was your engagement?

Have you asked him outright if he actually wants to get married? It doesn't sound like he does. Was he a bit tiddly when he proposed? Do you know any of his mates well enough to ask them discretely what his real thoughts are?

I wouldn't want to nag someone into a wedding date.

Not again anyway. I had same experience with exH. After our engagement he told everyone we were 'getting married' but did nothing about a date or plans etc. In the end I organised it all thinking 'blimmin men, they are just hopeless at organising' blah blah.

We divorced quite soon afterwards.

He'd been planning his proposal for weeks, involving my whole family to make it as special as possible. The only thing upsetting me is posters thinking they have the right to make assumptions about my DP and our relationship. I'm not about to go into the conversation we had last night but he was happy for me to plan something small for as early as next month if that made me happy but did want me to consider our finances and his opinion. On looking at our bank balances last night, not that it's any of your business, I came to the conclusion that he's probably right about waiting.

I take great offence at the way my DP has been labelled uncaring and a commitment-phobe and of course I'll jump to his defence because I know him and you don't. You also seem to be ignoring the posts where I said he assures me he does want to get married. My mum has been telling me for ages it would be best to wait until the house is sorted and she said the same thing when I spoke to her this morning about this thread, and was shocked to hear some of your opinions, but then she knows him and our relationship. Are you going to tell me she's backing him up in his stalling and delaying? They both know how important this is to me but they are also both more practical than me. I'm not flouncing off because you've hit a raw nerve, I'm leaving this thread because honestly I think some of you have nothing better to do than mess with people. I won't be posting again.

Look love, you asked for peoples opinions, and you are getting them. While you know your partner best, you really should take on board that we are just trying to point out things to help you. Why don't you set a date, then you will both be happy? Because listen to an old bird like me, engagements without a specific date in mind are pretty meaningless. (They make me think of a few girls at school who were always getting engaged to their latest squeeze - the weddings never happened ). If you have a date specified, then at least you can start planning, otherwise it all just a bit meh as my son would say.

Ours is coming up 2 years now. Would love to get married right now but we're saving for a house and I want to spend millions on my wedding cos im a greedy bitch
Ignore anyone who questions how long you've been engaged for, it's between you and your dp. You sound as if your both acting like you're married anyway (as in DCs together, committed relationship) so just find a date that works for both of you.

I think if you want to marry someone, you want to marry them, simple as that, no need to wait yonks unless you want to save and spend a fortune

so since you wrote this, your opinions have changed?

It's now okay to save and spend more on an "awsome" wedding- whatever that is- even though you are a bit pushed for cash?

Of course your mum is backing you up- she's your mum. Do you honestly expect her to say that MN is right after all?

Being "engaged" when you already have DCs and a home together is meaningless- as you have said yourself- unless you set a date.

If you persist in thinking the delay is all about money then you are deluded.
And maybe you should walk away from the thread because you don't want to listen to anyone who says anything that gives you something to think about.

Getthe aren't your parents able to pay for your wedding- or at least contribute? Or does this just not happen any more?

i know we expect to help my DD when it's time.

I suppose it depends what type of wedding you want. Mine was small- 30 guests- and organised in 14 weeks.

I didn't want a fuss and my family couldn't afford a fortune.

I'd be happy to spend no more than the cost of a licence and a meal for a few people if I really wanted a wedding.

Dear me! I honestly don't know why you're so angry - unless too many people were hitting a bit of a raw nerve.

You must have forgotten that it was you who made these comments:

"I think if you want to marry someone, you want to marry them, simple as that, no need to wait yonks"

"its just beginning to feel a bit like he didnt actually expect me to want to set a date or make any plans which has left me feeling a bit "

"I think I need to instill it in him that it's our wedding and it won't cost a bomb"

You can't reasonably blame people for responding to your own negativity.

Get your facts straight Blue, I said my mum is backing my partner up, not me. She's been saying for weeks it makes more sense to wait til after the move. And never once have I said my engagement is meaningless so please don't put words in my mouth, my engagement means so much to me, as will our wedding.

blue, my dads offered to pay for my dress and my mum is a selfish alcoholic waste of space! We don't mind though, we both kinda see ourselves as married anyway and I'm still only 23 so plenty of time to get round to it yet.

I've never understood why most people rush in to it but would never judge them. Each to their own :)

You do seem a bit all over the place with what you're saying op.

Olgaga I haven't forgotten my own comments, thanks, I stick by my opinion and he knows that but you are happily overlooking some of my other posts where we've had a proper conversation about the wedding, probably one of the first times we've actually had chance to what with his work commitments and all, and we've managed to iron out some of my thoughts and that he's happy to do it next month if that makes me happy blah blah please check my above posts because I'm getting sick of repeating myself.

She's been saying for weeks it makes more sense to wait til after the move.

So what's to stop you setting a date after the move?

Yep, surely setting a date would sort out the whole problem?

you are happily overlooking some of my other posts where we've had a proper conversation about the wedding

No I haven't. In fact my first comment on this thread was in response to yours at 22.13 yesterday, after you had your conversation with him, and you said this:

I should be glad he thinks like that but I feel a bit disappointed that my plan for a small, very affordable family do this year has been vetoed in favour of something more expensive next year (still no actually date mentioned though!!) Ah well, at least he's actually giving some input I suppose!

Big of him! Read it back and see how it sounds.

Nothing to stop us after the move, that's what DP (and my mum) has been saying all along, and then we'll have to save all over again as it's taking up almost all of our savings and will need extra furnishings because it's bigger and we have three children and lots of other financial commitments. Geez, my DP says he wants to wait so he can provide a better wedding, I'm ok with that (because I better understand where he's coming from now and because I value his opinion) and some of you start throwing shit at him for saying it.

But that's what people have been saying. If you put it off because you need to spend money on other things, you'll never do it. Because there will always be other important things to spend money - if indeed there is money to spare.

That's why I was agreeing with you and your thoughts that the sensible thing to do would be to have a small, affordable wedding now!

I have just cast my mind back aeons and now recall that we decided to get married on a Saturday when pissed, went ring shopping in Brighton the following weekend, and announced it to everyone that night. We set a date and booked the registry office that week, then realised that booking a restaurant on Xmas week might be a bit tricky! It wasn't, we booked our favourite restaurant no problem at all, and they even decorated the tables for us. We only had 25 guests, but they came from several countries to be with us, so it can be done! So we got engaged the first week in Sept and were married on December 20th. And of course everyone thought I was pregnant, but I wasn't.

What is the point of a long engagement anyway? If you are only having fifteen guests surely it won't take that long to save up?

It sounds like someone who's had shit loads on at work this year and has an almost-wife who hasn't bothered to take that into consideration, she's just steamed ahead trying to plan something that he can't fully focus his attention on yet, despite his best efforts, which has left said almost-wife wondering if the wedding will ever happen at all when in fact he's more than happy to do it but would like to be financial secure first. And how is that last part a bad thing?

We've been talking about a particular hotel that's important to us both and when I enquired as to how much the ceremony plus wedding breakfast would be it was very expensive, as is the use of a registrar outside the registry office. He loves the idea as do I but it would mean saving quite a lot and we're not exactly rolling in it.

But you explained further up the thread how it could be done in an affordable way, and be just as special. It isn't really a question of being "financially secure", You can do it with 15 guests and still have an amazing day, without needing to worry about your financial security.

I mean - who the hell is "financially secure" these days!?

Anyway,none of that prevents you from setting a date. And if you wait until you are financially secure you will never get married!

We had a 6 month engagement. Someone I used to work with had been engaged 7 years at the time I first knew her and was still engaged 3 years later when I left.

Hi haven't read everything. But once you have children isnt it easier just to get married rather than engaged. If something happened to you medically your DP is not your next of kin so cant make any decisions for you. I dont know what would happen if there was a death surely your parents could make a claim on your kids. sorry not what you want to hear

on a more positive note. I got married 12 weeks after getting engaged- small wedding 20 guests, lunchtime do no evening do. I just wanted to marry me DH didnt really want a big do though got married in a castle but we did get engaged after 3 days but have been married for 8 years now and have 2 DDs

You asked if I had an agenda. I don't. I have lived though and expect I am old enough to be your mum.

I was engaged for 14 weeks. had to give 3 months notice at work, as I was relocating when I married, booked the church as soon as poss and that was it.

I was though engaged ten years before that at uni to someone who liked the idea of an engagement - romantic tosser- but never really wanted to be married.

You seem to be blowing whichever way the wind blows, or rather whichever way your DP decides it should blow.

Yo want a small cheap wedding- any wedding. Then when you ask DP he says next year. he then says he wants an awesome wedding even though a) he's shy and b) you have no money and are notl likely to have much.

Even if you save- is it really worth it? I think I'd rather have a new sofa or carpets, or a car, than blow it on a party.

I'd have mmore respect for you if you actually admitted that you feel your DP is dragging his heels- which is why you posted in the first place Instead you are pretending to yourself and us that you were simply taking a straw poll of length of engagements. It's completely obvious that you had another agenda, and it's disingenuous of you to try to pretend otherwise now.

Well Blue you obviously know me better than I know myself in that case. I'm getting sick of repeating myself and quite frankly don't care whether you have any respect for me or not. I know why I posted and it certainly isn't for the reasons you think.