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Original poster

how long was your engagement??

192 replies

BabyPeepyGobbler · 24/04/2012 23:52

DP proposed to me in a lovely romantic way at christmas. We've been together almost five years, three DC...I was over the moon. He told me to go off and plan my ideal wedding, he wasn't bothered if I wanted to do it small and soon or lavish and wait a while. Each time I've wanted to talk about it or tried to set a date it's been met with the same response from him - "What, you mean this , isn't that a bit soon?" So what was the point in telling me to go off and plan it for whenever when he obviously has no intention of agreeing to the dates I come up with, and neither will he give any input of when he would be happy to do it!
I think if you want to marry someone, you want to marry them, simple as that, no need to wait yonks unless you want to save and spend a fortune (which I don't, it's not my style) and if you've already been living together for ages anyway, plus DC together, why drag out the engagement?

So what I'm asking (for a bit of perspective on the issue) is - how long was your engagement?

OP posts:
snozzlemaid · 25/04/2012 22:49

Damn! Thought I was going to win with our impressive 20 years. But Busters you beat us!

We got engaged after 4 months but put all our money into house. Then kids came along so never got around to it. I honestly don't think we ever will now.

Original poster
BabyPeepyGobbler · 25/04/2012 22:50

My mum continually turned my dad down when he proposed, saying she thought marriage was unnecessary as they already lived together and had me and that was a big enough commitment! Eventually my dad stopped asking and just booked the wedding, giving her three weeks to prepare. They're still happy (still driving each other crazy) and she's so glad he just went over her head and booked it as she says they'd probably still be 'living in sin' if he hadn't. I could do that with DP I suppose but I'm not sure he'd appreciate it as a romantic gesture the way my mum did.

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Original poster
BabyPeepyGobbler · 25/04/2012 22:58

Blue I do not like the fact that you seem so intent on making my partner out to be something he is not - firstly you call him a commitment-phobe when he has clearly made a huge commitment already simply by being with me for 5 years and being a wonderful dad, partner and provider, now you label him uncaring because he thinks in a more practical and logical way than I do. Please stop commenting on my relationship as you have no idea what you are talking about and your views on my partner are not only way off but actually quite offensive to me.

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CupOfBrownJoy · 26/04/2012 07:12

Urgh OP, I see that so much on the relationships board. Certain posters are determine to see every relationship through the miserable prism of their own, and if you don't agree to Leave Him immediately they simply become more shouty and unreasonable.

Its tedious, and unpleasant.

Bluepetticoat · 26/04/2012 08:11

Baby if you only want posts that agree with what you think, or at best don't challenge your own opinion of your relationship, then you should not post on an open, public forum.

Look- you asked how long other people were engaged. The reason you asked was and is that you think your partner is stalling. If you were happy with this delay you would not have posted, because it doesn't matter one jot how long anyone else was engaged. What matters is whether you are happy with the length of your engagement- and you clearly aren't.

If you can't or won't see that he is stalling, and dressing it up as "Oh you must have only the best my darling" that's your choice. And the reason you are attacking me is because you know deep down that there is some truth in what I am saying- maybe not about his commitment but certainly about marriage.

Original poster
BabyPeepyGobbler · 26/04/2012 08:17

Indeed, cupof, and it's really unfair and unnecessary on this thread..he has been nothing but wonderful as a partner and daddy..and I'm actually quite pleased that instead of me just going off and planning whatever, he's realised it's his wedding too and wants to be a part of it's inception. If that means we have to wait til next year to have the spare cash to make it all it can be then fine. He apologised for not being as on board as he knew he should be, work has been really full on for him this year but come autumn it should ease off and give him brain space to start thinking about the wedding. I'm happy with that. Geez, the fuckwits I read about on here, he's as far removed from the likes of them as possible and it's made me quite sad that I've had to leap to his defense on what I hoped would be quite a cheerful thread.

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Original poster
BabyPeepyGobbler · 26/04/2012 08:22

Wrong again, blue, I posted to see how long people's engagements had been to see if I was the one rushing things not to see if he was stalling. Seems to me 'the norm' is about 12 months so it looks like I was rushing a bit after all. You don't know me, my DP or my relationship. I didn't ask for people's opinions on my relationship. I'm not sure what your agenda is but I'd ask that you keep your poison to yourself. Thanks.

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Bluepetticoat · 26/04/2012 09:02

I find it hard to believe that whatever age you are now, you have not got a handle on how long engagements are- or rather that everyone is different.

The point is there is no "average" time. Some people wait 2 days, others 20 years.

I'm not poisoning anything- I am commenting on your situation. if you can't take that well, don't post when you only want supportive answers rather than a response that digs a bit beneath the surface.

The reason you are so annoyed with me is that you know there is some truth in what i am saying. if you didn't think that you would not respond so angrily, and rush to defend your partner.

Anyway- it's up to you what you want to think- I won't pass any more comments.

blackteaplease · 26/04/2012 09:10

I have to agree, it does sound like a stalling tactic, particularly as he only said "next year" not "May" for example.

Also, if he doesn't want to be the centre of attention, why is he now claiming that he wants it to be awesome? I would be delving further into this if I were you. An engagement is an intention to marry, not a stalling technique to keep the missus happy.

Original poster
BabyPeepyGobbler · 26/04/2012 09:28

Well you are both entitled to your opinions, no need to delve further though, he's not saying he wants a massive wedding, we've agreed on 15 guests, he just wants us to have a bigger budget to be able to make it awesome . With money tied up in the house move, there's little left towards a wedding. He's also mentioned a honeymoon which hadn't even crossed my mind! No we haven't agreed a date but he's away right now, when he gets back next week we'll have chance to sit down and work it out.

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blackteaplease · 26/04/2012 09:30

Fair enough OP.

glastocat · 26/04/2012 09:32

Sorry,but I agree with the last few posters. I am sure he is as lovely and wonderful as you say, that does not preclude him stalling on marriage I'm afraid, which it sounds to me is exactly what he is doing. I don't blame you for feeling indignant at people pointing this out, but your wishes have been ignored (again) by your partner. Does he know how important this is to you? And if he does, why the delay when, if you are anything like me, it was much more important to BE married, than just having a big faffy wedding. Anyway, good luck with it all, I hope you get what you want and deserve.

blackteaplease · 26/04/2012 09:32

Actually, setting the date was one of the last things we did, we drew up the guest list, then got quotes for venues, worked out the budget including honeymoon and figured out how long it would take to save up for it.

So in that aspect your DP is right, my last response was a gut reaction to you saying he had put you off again. Sorry.

ABatInBunkFive · 26/04/2012 09:37

A house move is a valid reason for holding back on a wedding, the most stressful things we've ever done is get married well planning the bloody thing Wink moving and having a baby, if at all possible i'd not do any of those at the same time as another.

If and only if OPs OH keeps stalling after they've moved etc i'd be inclined to say he doesn't seem to want to get married, waiting until after they have moved is a good idea.

Alinta · 26/04/2012 09:37

No engagement, just got married.

Original poster
BabyPeepyGobbler · 26/04/2012 09:39

Thanks glasto, I'm beginning to feel a bit got at for defending my partner but I wouldn't be much of a missus if I didn't would I. He knows how important it is to me, and it's the actually being married that counts, but this is his wedding too and he has every right to voice his opinion. He's worried about money as it is, I'm not going to go into details of our conversation last night but rest assured he isn't reluctant or stalling he just sees things from a more financial, logical slant.

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Original poster
BabyPeepyGobbler · 26/04/2012 09:46

...I'm beginning to think I got a bit caught up in the excitement of the proposal and all and jumped the gun a bit, completely factoring out how much we need to spend on the house and how much we just spent on our new baby...while DP's got his level head on as usual...

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OddBoots · 26/04/2012 09:47

For what it is worth our 16 month engagement would have been 8 months if we had gone with the date I wanted rather than the one dh wanted. It didn't mean I was any more keen than him to get married, just had different ways of looking at things, we've been married 14 happy years and we're both just as committed to our marriage.

Original poster
BabyPeepyGobbler · 26/04/2012 09:55

thanks odd..I'm kind of woohoo let's do it now and he's more erm, can we get one expense out of the way first? I know it doesn't mean any less to him or he's less commited (or stalling) he just thinks differently (and I can be a bit impatient at times).

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olgaga · 26/04/2012 09:59

I've just read this whole thread. This is what you first wrote:

He told me to go off and plan my ideal wedding, he wasn't bothered if I wanted to do it small and soon or lavish and wait a while.

Now you are saying:

I should be glad he thinks like that but I feel a bit disappointed that my plan for a small, very affordable family do this year has been vetoed in favour of something more expensive next year (still no actually date mentioned though!!) Ah well, at least he's actually giving some input I suppose!

You're "glad" he thinks like that? You're "grateful" for some input? I'd be quite concerned if I were you. When you move house you will find you spend an awful lot more than you bargained for. There will always better things to spend money on than a lavish wedding.

You need to be asking yourself, honestly, why he is now putting it off when it you could have a perfectly nice wedding without spending a fortune either now or next year.

The length of other people's engagements is not really relevant to you, is it? What you were really asking for, in a roundabout way, is people's opinions on how long they would expect to wait before concluding that he is stalling or has changed his mind, and how and whether you should be pushing it.

As Blue says - it's up to you what you think. But if you ask other people's opinions, that's what you'll get.

So here's mine. If it doesn't happen small and soon the odds on it happening at all will diminish by the day. In the meantime, the big unanswered question of "when" will hang over you like a dark cloud.

When you talk about a house move, are you talking about purchasing? If so, you will need to get legal advice about Wills and whether you are going to be Joint Tenants or Tenants in Common if you are purchasing your new home together.

www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

www.thisismoney.co.uk/money/news/article-1594013/Tenants-in-common-QA.html

Original poster
BabyPeepyGobbler · 26/04/2012 10:07

Olgaga.. I'm not concerned... initially he did say that, he also asked me to consider our move (renting) which to be honest I didn't, nor dI'd he expect he'd actually quite like to take an active part in the planning of our wedding. Since we've been talking about it more, the more interest he has taken which I see as a good, positive thing. Although I was happy to do it, I'd much prefer his input. Have you not read the posts that say they'very been engaged a few years and they still got martied in the end...

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Original poster
BabyPeepyGobbler · 26/04/2012 10:11

And you obviously didn't read the bits where I said he assured me he does want to get married and his reasons for waiting til next year are practical and financial. Thanks.

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Original poster
BabyPeepyGobbler · 26/04/2012 10:25

Thanks to all the posters who gave me what I asked for, an insight into their engagement, how long it lasted and their reasons for waiting (or not, as the case may be!) rather than trying to look for hidden messages or issues that aren't there. What I'm taking away from this is that to be fair my DP wanting to wait til we're more financially secure is a very valid, reasonable request (rather than a stalling technique as some have hinted at)and I'll be telling him that when he calls later rather than going on about how I'm sure we can manage it if we just tighten our belts even further. Thanks for your time guys, I appreciate your input x

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Bluepetticoat · 26/04/2012 11:18

Baby I actually feel really sorry for you and I am not bothered or even surprised that you lashed out at me when i said what I did.

Have a read of your first post. This bit
I think if you want to marry someone, you want to marry them, simple as that, no need to wait yonks unless you want to save and spend a fortune (which I don't, it's not my style) and if you've already been living together for ages anyway, plus DC together, why drag out the engagement?

You are 100% right in saying all of that.

You need to listen to your gut instinct - which is what you were doing- and stop trying to rationalise his behaviour by saying it's all about money. It isn't and you know that.

Your DH is full of contradictions- he wants any weedding- you just sort it- then he wants a small one as he's shy, then he wants to wait and make it lavish, but there'll be a delay.

Is he always so controlling and keen to have his own way?

You can flounce off if you like when you've read this, but you cannot deny that his behaviour is upsetting you.

olgaga · 26/04/2012 12:28

you cannot deny that his behaviour is upsetting you

Well that's the point, isn't it. Not the "how long is an engagement/a piece of string..." question.

For all her protestations, it'll continue to gnaw away until it's dealt with. But it isn't what OP wants to hear...