how long was your engagement??

[BabyPeepyGobbler]

DP proposed to me in a lovely romantic way at christmas. We've been together almost five years, three DC...I was over the moon. He told me to go off and plan my ideal wedding, he wasn't bothered if I wanted to do it small and soon or lavish and wait a while. Each time I've wanted to talk about it or tried to set a date it's been met with the same response from him - "What, you mean this , isn't that a bit soon?" So what was the point in telling me to go off and plan it for whenever when he obviously has no intention of agreeing to the dates I come up with, and neither will he give any input of when he would be happy to do it!
I think if you want to marry someone, you want to marry them, simple as that, no need to wait yonks unless you want to save and spend a fortune (which I don't, it's not my style) and if you've already been living together for ages anyway, plus DC together, why drag out the engagement?

So what I'm asking (for a bit of perspective on the issue) is - how long was your engagement?

well, I'm sorry. I wish you luck and hope it works out as you want- but it doesn't sit well for me.

I belong to the old school which is marry first, show your commitment by making it legal and public- then have kids.

Or don't marry at all if you don't believe in it. I accpet that as a lifestyle option- no problems.

I'm not the only one here saying it doesn't look as if he is reluctant. I can't see why- you are tied with 3 kids more than people who are married but childless, but you need to talk to him.

I wouldn't be at all happy arranging a wedding for the father of my kids without his full involvement. it just wouldn't feel right.

Thanks blue, I do respect your right to an opinion, but as you can see from my thread many people commenting have lived together and had kids before marriage, it doesn't make their marriage any less meaningful.

And as for planning, he works away a lot so many things in our life are down to me to organise, it's the way we work. Once we book a date there will be plenty of things he will need to be involved with and I have no doubt he'll do as much as he can. Sorry if I sound defensive here but you're comments seem to be more focused on our relationship (which I have absolutely no complaints about) and the order in which one should conduct their relationship (in your opinion most of us have done it wrong) rather than my initial question.

The only involvement my DH had was choosing his kilt, i ran most thing past him and he always agreed if it was what i wanted, just the way we work, i'm sure if he wasn't happy with something he'd have said but the ins and outs were not something that remotely mattered to him, he preferred it when i said do you like x or y rather than me expecting him to contribute an idea, not because he wasn't interested just because it wasn't a big issue to him.

I dont get your point blue? OP wasn't asking what people thought about getting married before or after kids.

If he was reluctant why would he have proposed?

First available date after deciding to get married

Met in the December, moved in together the day we met, decided to get married, went and booked the registry office and were married in the March.

Jacked in our jobs, gave notice on the flat and moved from the north to the south in the May (with nowhere to live and no jobs!)

Pregnant in the August.

and again 15 months later.

And between those two pregnancies we set up a business with £50 that was supposed to be for the gas bill

We really are of the 'Go For It' school of thought

That's pretty much how we work Abat, I don't take it as lack of interest just that he trusts my judgement to make it lovely and he'd be the first to admit he'd not have a clue about flowers and frocks and such but he'll be in his element when it comes to getting a suit, choosing champagne etc

I was engaged for 6 months, we'd both agreed years before that we didn't want to have a long engagement!

Our engagement has lasted abour half of our relationship...that's six weeks so far out of three months together.

He still hasn't got me a ring or asked me properly, but he introduces me as his fiance so I think he meant it.

Hecate you guys sound awesome

Hec I'm impressed

Fwiw I'm surprised that most of these answers are really short. I'm sort of hoping it'll be quite a long engagement, marriage is going to involve financial sorting out and I don't know if I can face it! I just like being engaged really as it's all about the intention, well to me it is anyway...you get married cos you love each other, so it means a lot to me.

We were going out for 5 years when DH proposed to me.
We got married 9 months after that.
We moved in together just after the wedding.
Had DS (3yo) after 2.5 years of marriage.

are awesome/impressed euphemisms for mad as a box of frogs?

Well, you only live once, as the saying goes. I'd rather regret the crazy things I did than regret that I was too scared to do crazy things.

No Hec I think it's brilliant

Me too

Wow I didn't realise quite how old fashioned I was! Was with my ex husaband for 3 and a half years before we got engaged and then we married 14 months later. I had always thought people got married about a year after their engagement but now I think about it I don't know why I thought that!

Have been with DP 18 months and have talked about marriage, if he could afford it right now I think he would but after one marriage I'm quite happy to take it a bit slower this time. Although it appears it was quite slow last time!

I say just book it, you can get out of a marriage but having DC's together means you have already made the biggest commitment you can.

I've never really felt the need to get married, but the reasons why DP proposed are rather sweet and special to me. We've both blown a bit hot and cold over the years about getting married, but we are very much together and have a child.

Had a funny conversation with his ex wife a few weeks ago where she had assumed the reason we weren't married yet was due to him dragging his feet..I don't think he was terribly keen to get hitched the first time round!

19 years and counting We got engaged 3 months after we met, and just haven't gotten round to actually getting married yet.

Erm... 27 years!! We have had two weddings booked tho!

For the first one I discovered I was pregnant and we decided to use our wedding fund to support us through my mat leave period. Back in those days you had to work for an employer for 2 years to qualify and I'd been made redundant and started a new job the same week I found out so I got nowt. Fortunately we didn't lose too much in deposits.

For the second one my Dad died very suddenly a few weeks before and I just couldn't go through with it. We only lost the registry office fee that time.

I daren't book a third as I dread what might happen! Although we need to be sensible think about pensions and such like at our age.....

Well it looks like it's next year for us. After a long chat he's given some very solid financial reasons why he doesn't think this year is viable and also said his fiancee deserves the best and until he can provide that he's not happy about planning a wedding. I should be glad he thinks like that but I feel a bit disappointed that my plan for a small, very affordable family do this year has been vetoed in favour of something more expensive next year (still no actually date mentioned though!!) Ah well, at least he's actually giving some input I suppose!
Thanks to all who posted and shared their stories and opinions x

So is he actully agreeing to set z date or is that another delay tactic to keep you happy?

Sorry to be cynical bit I've heard it all before: next year, when we can afford it, not yet....

It did cross my mind, fizzy, but the main thing he keeps pointing out is how our house move this summer will eat up most of our savings, I can't really argue with his logic there as it's entirely true. I still say we could manage a lovely do on a budget. He says we shouldn't settle for anything less than awesome. Gah.

I work with someone who was engaged for 15 years & 2 DC before they got married - he still says they rushed into it! Happy couple though!

Ours ended up being 2 years and 5 months, but only because DH gave me an extra special engagement gift . DD1 arrived in the October after he had proposed on the NYE before

I didn't want to get married with a bump so waited til she was old enough to be z bridesmaid - 29 months old x

so he gets what he wants- and you don't.
Sorry but he is just stalling and sweet talking you- shame you can't see that.
If he really cared he would do what you wanted- not ply you with logic.

18 months ... because we couldn`t find the venue we wanted. Worth the wait though, we had one HELL of a party!