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Original poster

Texting etiquette

118 replies

MalloryKane · 22/04/2012 18:48

You are seeing someone for four months, exclusively, every now and then he does a disappearing act and you don't hear from him for a day or two or three, then he just texts as normal and goes back to the 10 x texts or calls a day. He knows it bothers you because you told him TWICE!

What do you do when he finally does text or call after these intervals? Would you ignore, make him wait to get a response (how long?) or just text back as normal.

I know this seems trivial but its actually causing me a lot of heart ache because it is seems so hot and cold. I feel like the rug is pulled out from under my feet whenever this happens. He lives a long way away so we don't see each other very often, calls and texts are a lifeline really.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Flightty · 22/04/2012 18:53

I would probably suggest asking him why he goes quiet. Has he not said?

I think it's a bit rude otherwise but then I'd hate t hat sort of distance anyway...I like to know where DP is. If I didn't hear from him for three days I'd be out of my mind.

Flightty · 22/04/2012 18:55

btw we have the same sort of frequency of contact as you in terms of calls etc, I mean the 10+ times a day. If that stopped for a day even I'd be frantic.

oikopolis · 22/04/2012 18:58

i would take this as an indication that he wasn't the right person for me tbh.

he's either a) not into you, b) not into regular communication, c) heinously selfish (since you've told him it bothers you and he hasn't changed), d) heinously clueless/forgetful/scatterbrained, or e) some combination of the above.

wouldn't want to bother with someone who couldn't keep up contact in such a basic way, early on in r/s, when distance is involved.

it's different if you'd been together for years and were sure of each other. and if you didn't mind not being contacting for a few days at a stretch. but you are neither. so... this does not sound good.

molepom · 22/04/2012 18:59

I would block his number, refuse to have anything more to do with him and move on with my life.

Original poster
MalloryKane · 22/04/2012 18:59

Well, yes, I do feel frantic and quite tearful and down. I have asked a few times and he always just says that time got away from him etc, didn't realise it had been so long blah, blah, blah. I have been quite strenuous in telling him that it bothers me.

Eg this weekend, I stayed with him last week for a few days had amazing time and then we texted and called as usual all day the following two days after, this weekend i have heard nothing until today when I got a message at 5 this evening, just as though there had been no gap, I haven't replied yet and im not sure i want to Angry Sad but I feel really low.

OP posts:
FlatCapAndAWhippet · 22/04/2012 18:59

On the days he doesnt contact you, you cannot be in the forefront of his mind. Sorry.

Original poster
MalloryKane · 22/04/2012 19:00

Really molepom? Because I do actually feel like that right now.

oikopolis Yeah none of those options are particularly good are they?

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Original poster
MalloryKane · 22/04/2012 19:00

Well yes flatcap and it feels utterly crap to be honest.

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FlatCapAndAWhippet · 22/04/2012 19:02

oops, posted too early....

Having told him twice that this causes you upset, I think it's selfish of him but he obviously doesn't care. Are you sure that this is an "exclusive" relationship?

Original poster
MalloryKane · 22/04/2012 19:04

Yes, we discussed it a couple of times, this last time he said "I really, really like you and I'm not going to be doing anything with anyone else". Pretty catergorical really.

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FlatCapAndAWhippet · 22/04/2012 19:05

Forget him, he's playing you. Move onwards and upwards. Smile

Original poster
MalloryKane · 22/04/2012 19:05

So what would you do now? Just not bother texting back? See what happens. I can't keep doing this to be honest. I feel really horrible the days he doesn't text or call, thinking he has met someone else or changed his mind. I'm thinking it would just be easier to leave it now Sad.

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FlatCapAndAWhippet · 22/04/2012 19:11

I wouldnt text him back, I think he's taking the piss. He's obviously given you little or no thought this weekend. I totally get why this makes you feel so bad, he's not good for you if he makes you feel this way, esoecially after you telling him twice it upsets you.

I dont say this flippantly but I agree with others who have said block his number and move on.

Easy for me to say I know but if he makes you feel like this after 4 months there is no way I'd be investing any more of my time on him.

HairyGrotter · 22/04/2012 19:11

I'd pack him in tbh. You've expressed your stance, he's chosen not to respect that, says to me that he's not that keen.

Mind games are not necessary when both parties are into each other, seems just a waste of time and energy.

Flightty · 22/04/2012 19:14

Maybe he doesn't mean it in a bad way, but tbh living that far apart how would you COPE if you thought about your oH all the time?

It would be torture, especially if you really missed them.

You would expect to do a lot of other stuff. It's unhealthy to base your entire life around someone you rarely see face to face - well, in these circumstances I think anyway. Not all, but these.

It's the anachronistic thing that bothers me - if he needs to text you ten times a day most of the time, then suddenly doesn't, what's changed? ?? seriously. What does he do on those days.

I'm afraid he may be with someone else but then, we don't know this.

TidyDancer · 22/04/2012 19:14

I wouldn't text back at least until morning. Make him wait. Do this a couple of times and see if it bothers him. If it doesn't, write this one off.

My BIL does this and it drives me up the fucking wall. We are close friends as well as B&SIL but sometimes I could string him up by the balls for it, it's that annoying.

PurplePidjin · 22/04/2012 19:16

You've asked him not to do something that upsets you. He still does it. Ergo, he's a wanker.

YouAREworthIt · 22/04/2012 19:16

4 months in you should still be all loved up and happy. Delete him in every way.

fluffylegs · 22/04/2012 19:17

I don't know what he's up to but what about breaking your reliance on his texts. Start by putting your phone down and do seething else to try and distract from the texting.

fluffylegs · 22/04/2012 19:17

Something else!

Original poster
MalloryKane · 22/04/2012 19:19

Flightty I totally get the distance thing, but we saw each other for four days this week!! And we usually see each other at least once a week in spite of the distance. Having said that though, it is usually me going to see him as I have a car and he does not.

I don't think he is that keen either and I am going to have to leave this one. Makes me Sad though as I really do like him and I thought he did me.

Right now I don't feel like I want to text him at all because I have spent two days feeling rubbish and if I text him it just kicks it all off again and I will be waiting yet again to hear from him.

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FlatCapAndAWhippet · 22/04/2012 19:19

I also think doing it this way gives you the control. At the moment he texts, you jump and he knows that. You've told him his radio silence upsets you and so....he continues to do it but as soon as he makes contact you are happy with him. Of course you are, you're delighted that he's made contact with you but he's picking you up and putting you down exactly as and when he pleases. Player!

Guitargirl · 22/04/2012 19:21

Wow - you guys are harsh!

IMO it depends on how much you like him and whether this is something you can/want to learn to live with. It doesn't sound as though he is going to change so either you do or you end the relationship. Does he have a busy job/busy life during the week? Some people are just not into that intense level of communication. Maybe he is making a massive effort to bring his communication up to the 10 texts a day that you seem to expect most of the time but occasionally either just forgets or consciously needs a break. I would be like that to be honest, the 10 texts a day would drive me bonkers...

Original poster
MalloryKane · 22/04/2012 19:21

I do fluffylegs I do long distance running, I care for my dc, I have taken them out for days out both today and yesterday, I am doing a degree with the OU. I AM busy and I usually leave my phone at home too so I am not always checking it. I didn't look at all day today since about 9 last night.

purplepidgn yeah I think that pretty much sums it up.

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Original poster
MalloryKane · 22/04/2012 19:23

I do not EXPECT ten texts a day. That comes from him, usually after he has finished work and probably when he is feeling bored with nothing better to do I am beginning to think. Pretty much every text he DOES send ends with a question from him so from the beginning he was the one who drove it that way and then just suddenly would drop off.

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