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Original poster

Texting etiquette

118 replies

MalloryKane · 22/04/2012 18:48

You are seeing someone for four months, exclusively, every now and then he does a disappearing act and you don't hear from him for a day or two or three, then he just texts as normal and goes back to the 10 x texts or calls a day. He knows it bothers you because you told him TWICE!

What do you do when he finally does text or call after these intervals? Would you ignore, make him wait to get a response (how long?) or just text back as normal.

I know this seems trivial but its actually causing me a lot of heart ache because it is seems so hot and cold. I feel like the rug is pulled out from under my feet whenever this happens. He lives a long way away so we don't see each other very often, calls and texts are a lifeline really.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
amistillsexy · 22/04/2012 20:17

Well...I am married to a man who wouldn't speak to me for 3 or 4 days if I didn't remind him to. He absolutely adores me, and he certainly hasn't got another woman, and he's always surprised when I tell him he's not spoken for X amount of time. He simply doesn't think of it Confused.

He certainly never texts or phones during the day, and he never leaves a note if he decides to go out while I'm out. He just goes, and I come home to the Marie Celeste. SOmetimes, he's done that with all 3 Dss, and I've gone into melt down and phoned the hospital, but he's just gone to the park-in the car!

I don't think it's got anything to do with his level of comitment or anything like that, he's simply got his mind on other things! I would make sure I texted or rang him before it got to this stage next time, and for now, just text back 'I am upset that you have not contacted me for ...days'. If he is anything like my DH, you need to be very clear and unambiguous when telling him how you are feeling.

YouAREworthIt · 22/04/2012 20:25

But this isn't a game and you shouldn't have to play anything. You should just be with him, as in it should all be natural and easy.

When dh and I met we immediately were calling each other every day, whenever we wanted and saw each twice a week. (Long distance between our flats). I could ring him anytime and him me and there was no messing about or ignoring each other for days on end.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 22/04/2012 20:31

Just stop texting all together and just speak to each other.

Monty27 · 22/04/2012 20:39

He sounds like a bit of a head fuck to me. Particularly as you've spoken to him about it TWICE.

It would make me feel really uncomfortable tbh.

No help, I know, I'd be looking at how into me he really is.

QuickLookBusy · 22/04/2012 20:41

Oh I'm glad I'm an old gimmer and I met DH before we had mobilesWink

I agree with Jareth, just speak to each other.

Bluepetticoat · 22/04/2012 20:42

Well, I'm sorry but unless a pair are truly, madly, deeply, and it's been spoken of openly- or you both just know I wouldn't expect to be in contact with a man every day. I just wouldn't. Why???

If there was that level of intensity, I'd expect us to be moving in.

My DH and I were long distance for 3 years- now been married 25+ years- and in between dates we maybe had 1 phone call mid week.

I think texting is evil re. relationships.

I text people if I am meeting them and going to be late maybe, but never use it as a substitute for conversation in person or by phone.

Original poster
MalloryKane · 22/04/2012 21:00

Well I think I am just going to completely back off on the texting at all, its clearly not working for me. I HAVE replied tonight because I think you are right Bluebelly and I would just look like a big sulky baby to not respond at all. It was very brief, just a response to his, with no question or expectation of a response. I feel like that was the right thing to do.

OP posts:
tribpot · 22/04/2012 21:02

I feel the texting might be something of a red herring, it's more about a pattern of communication (communication which is furthermore intentionally 'one-sided' in that you send a text when you want and the other person does likewise, it doesn't have to be a conversation) which then stops for no reason, something the OP has said she finds it uncomfortable. So in that sense no different to speaking every day by phone and then not being able to reach someone for two or three days, or even writing letters back and forth or whatever.

It does strike me that the boyfriend has something better to be doing at the weekends - whether it's someone else or just a social life or whatever, and so sees the weekday contact as a diversion when he's on his own.

Inadeeptrance · 22/04/2012 21:06

I think he's a player too, sorry. Sad if you read the thread about 'how you knew he was ace' one of the common points with a keeper was not playing games like not texting when he said he will etc.

Also the fact that you've told him it bothers you, yet he still does it.... Bad sign.

Original poster
MalloryKane · 22/04/2012 21:09

"It does strike me that the boyfriend has something better to be doing at the weekends - whether it's someone else or just a social life or whatever, and so sees the weekday contact as a diversion when he's on his own."

This. I think this too and it feels crap. So I have to get to that myself or stop it all together, im leaning towards stopping it all together because I don't actually have the time or headspace for it. I like him too much.

OP posts:
Original poster
MalloryKane · 22/04/2012 21:12

In fact tribpot I think your post is spot on. I am always a bit irritated by the "stop texting and talk" thing. The fact is a lot of communication these days is by text and it, imo, is not a lesser form of communication, its just how some people choose to do things. I like it. Its no different from years ago when I used to write letters to boyfriends (didn't we all?) its just in a different form.

OP posts:
NamesKerry · 22/04/2012 21:15

He's not the one. You've told him how it makes you feel but it sounds like he doesn't care. You've only been seeing him a few months. I know you like him a lot but get out before you get even more involved. You really don't need this sort of stress this early in a relationship.

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/04/2012 21:17

molepom "I would block his number, refuse to have anything more to do with him and move on with my life."

I'd definitely go with this advice. "he always just says that time got away from him" - well, maybe for 6 hours max. that excuse would wash, but 2 days? Nah, that's just deliberately messing with your head or a complete inadequate.

Original poster
MalloryKane · 22/04/2012 21:21

Well I have got my head round things, feels rubbish though Sad.

Tomorrow I am going to go for a long, long run and try to break my distance record, then that will be the day I did that and not the day that I realised that my boyfriend is "just not that into me".

OP posts:
Bluebelly · 22/04/2012 22:27

OP, so sorry for you. Hope you have a great distance run tomorrow, and you deserve to achieve a personal best.

Original poster
MalloryKane · 22/04/2012 22:57

He's just texted me again. Obviously got nothing else to do on a boring Sunday night Angry.

OP posts:
Original poster
MalloryKane · 22/04/2012 22:59

Oh I love that angry face emoticon, it IS exactly how I am feeling right now.

OP posts:
Helltotheno · 22/04/2012 23:01

Just text back 'can't talk now, night'

tribpot · 22/04/2012 23:02

Absolute best thing you can do is not text back. You've sent him an acknowledgement of the previous one, end of. At least for tonight.

SerendipitousHarlot · 22/04/2012 23:03

Text something along the lines of.... 'oh. Weekend over is it? Hmm'

Or just ignore him... There is something fishy in this scenario, I don't doubt it.

Sorry OP, men can really fuck with your head Angry

Original poster
MalloryKane · 22/04/2012 23:04

Not a farking word since Friday and now his weekend is over and he's feeling a bit bored it's time to text again. I don't think so! No I won't be replying.

OP posts:
SerendipitousHarlot · 22/04/2012 23:13

What is it that he says he does at the weekends? What is that keeps him from spending under a minute sending a text? There's something not right. No wonder you're pissed off.

Original poster
MalloryKane · 22/04/2012 23:19

He doesn't really say, goes out with mates I suppose, plays football, it has a pattern though. Tails off Friday afternoon, then picks up again Sunday afternoon. AIBU to feel crap about this? Or should I just accept that i won't hear from him on the weekends I don't see him? Actually have only seen him a couple of weekends because of my childcare arrangements, I usually see him during the week.

Thanks for talking to me about this Smile. It really helps.

OP posts:
SerendipitousHarlot · 22/04/2012 23:27

Are you sure he hasn't got someone else? This sounds to me like typical married man behaviour. It just doesn't make sense.

And you've told him, and he still does it? Then he clearly isn't bothered about your feelings, and actually probably quite likes that this makes you all insecure.

Original poster
MalloryKane · 22/04/2012 23:31

As sure as I can be. I've been to his place, stay there every time I see him and it IS his iyswim? Met his friends etc. I do think it is more a case of me just not being THAT important to him.

OP posts: