Texting etiquette

[MalloryKane]

You are seeing someone for four months, exclusively, every now and then he does a disappearing act and you don't hear from him for a day or two or three, then he just texts as normal and goes back to the 10 x texts or calls a day. He knows it bothers you because you told him TWICE!

What do you do when he finally does text or call after these intervals? Would you ignore, make him wait to get a response (how long?) or just text back as normal.

I know this seems trivial but its actually causing me a lot of heart ache because it is seems so hot and cold. I feel like the rug is pulled out from under my feet whenever this happens. He lives a long way away so we don't see each other very often, calls and texts are a lifeline really.

Any thoughts?

But is it a place that he stays in Mon-Fri with work? Loads of blokes live somewhere else during the week.

I know I sound like voice of doom, I'm not trying to be. I just think its a bit weird. If he wasn't that keen, you would see evidence of that during the week as well, iykwim.

I HATE that hot & cold thing. It's horribly confusing and you don't know how to be. But trust me, when someone's good for you, you never feel like this x

I would put money on there not being another woman - I think, as you say, it is a case of where his priorities are at different times of the week. As there is a consistency in his disappearing acts I think its likely that he isn't even deliberately playing games, just doesn't really think about you when he is in....well whatever his weekend "zone" is. It may well be nothing more sinister than 2 days of football, golf, booze and the X-box with mates but if it's doing your head in then you need to be kind to yourself and end it.

I think not necessarily another woman, weekends are his sporting/friends/socialising pursuits, his weekdays are..... shagging you?

Sorry OP but I would not have this at all :(

Have you actually told him that you find the no contact at weekends rather odd and unsatisfactory?

You see, sometimes people can give out mixed messages. You said that you tended to be busy with your kids at weekends- any chance he thinks you don't want him in your life then?

I know you've said you don't like the hot-cold texting- but have you spelled out exactly what you find odd?

Do you discuss what he has done at weekends? Has he got " alibis"? In other words, is he out with his mates and do they know he is seeing you- and you see them with him, sometimes?

I just wonder IF he had someone else if his mates know all about it.

You see it is possible that he could have another girlfriend who was only available at weekends.

Have you really asked him what he does?

I think bluepetticoat is right. You may need to actually spell it out to him. Tell him it makes you unhappy and you have done everything you can then. Sometimes men just do not realise, I know its not really an excuse but as you said you really like him then maybe it is worth it as he really may not realise how much it bothers you.

'Well, I'm sorry but unless a pair are truly, madly, deeply, and it's been spoken of openly- or you both just know I wouldn't expect to be in contact with a man every day. I just wouldn't. Why???

If there was that level of intensity, I'd expect us to be moving in.'

Yes. Exactly - the problem is this guy is doing it when he feels like it, but then cutting contact for a few days, which isn't fair.

It sounds like it's about his needs rather than those of the oP. I had a long sort-of relationship with a bloke a while back, and he would text and call quite a bit when he needed something but at other times I would send a silly text or whatever and not even get an answer for a few days.

and eventually after a lot of bashing my head against a wall, I realised that it meant we were never going to get it on properly. It was hard to admit though - and the oP saying she can't get a proper conversation about it with him, can't get any answers, somehow resonates with that part of my life.

I mean if you are left guessing then you are NOT on the same page, that's a definite. Communication ought to be superior to that if it's a goer.

And then I met DP and he texts me all the time, calls me, replies always within a few hours even when he's working, usually much sooner, wants to be in contact every single day and well, we might as well be moving in, he's here so much and vice versa. So it is just obvious, iygwim. It's mutually acknowledged that it's proper and it's going somewhere and contact is expected and wanted by us both.

Anything less and you do sort of wonder if it is worth pursuing, because it sounds like the intention isn't fully there - not from his side, at least.

That old saying about when a guy is into you, you will know because he will simply make plans to see you again asap. No messing, no going quiet or disappearing for a couple of days. You will just know.

I hope you can reach some kind of conclusion OP, it is horrible not knowing

I have actually spelled it out to him. I told one day I just wouldn't bother to reply altogether when he eventually texted, he said appearing quite surprised "you wouldn't do that!" and I said "of course I would, why would keep being involved in something that makes me feel bad". Not sure I can get much clearer than that. This was the last time he did it about a month ago. He has been better since but then just did it again this weekend.

Well I broke my distance record running this morning but not my time but still pretty pleased with myself. Still thinking too much about him though .

I honestly do not think there is another woman. I honestly do think it's more a case of him not taking me particularly seriously when I am not around. Maybe I just need to stop investing so much in it?

I have actually spelled it out to him. I told one day I just wouldn't bother to reply altogether when he eventually texted, he said appearing quite surprised "you wouldn't do that!" and I said "of course I would, why would keep being involved in something that makes me feel bad".

But what did you actually say?

Did you say that it makes you feel unwanted when he ignores you at weekends?

Did you say that you feel he blows hot and cold?

Are your expectations way out of kilter with what is really going on in the relationship?

You see, unless you are both really keen, then missing a few days of texts is, IMO, no big deal.

It sounds as if you have more emotional involvement in this than he does.
4 months in is not long. If you only see him during the week- how often is it? Who does the travelling? What do you do- go out, stay in, what?

I'm trying to get some idea of what your relationship is like, because it sounds to me as if it's one thing in your head, and something different in his.

That doesn't mean he is doing anything wrong. It just means he is not living up to the idea of what should be happening- and isn't.

Can you chill a little, because you come over as a bit intense in what are early days , really.

Well done on the running!

I told him exactly that about blowing hot and cold , exactly those words and asked him how he'd feel if I didn't respond to him for 3 days. He again said "you wouldn't do that!"

We go out quite a bit. Socialise with his friends etc. I generally travel to see him as I have a car, he doesn't and that fits into my childcare arrangements.

I don't think I'm intense, hope not anyway. Just annoyed at getting 10 texts a night when he has been working, is not going out and therefore has nothing better to do and then nothing at weekends when he obviously has far better things to do. Don't get me wrong I don't WANT 10 texts a day at the weekend, my weekends are bloody busy just don't want complete radio silence for up to 3 days.

See I'm confused now because I find if I text him less in order not to appear too needy or just because I'm busy then he steps up the texting and calls, so I respond in kind, then it's the weekend and nothing.......what does it mean ?

well I met the friends and even parents of an ex. And then I met his wife..

You might have mentioned it, if you say he goes silent, does this mean that he will not initiate any texting or that he actually ignores yours, even if they would reasonably require a reply?

Of course he ups the texting when you don't. He wants to keep you in his bed hanging.

Just because you have met his friends doesn't mean he hasn't got another woman.

You still have a choice and you need to decide if you think this relationship is going to be an important one so is worth the investment in training him.

He WILL reply two days later. I obviously don't keep texting when I don't get a response. So say I text on a Friday afternoon, he won't reply until the Sunday or it will be a random xx instead of responding. Also it's not every weekend, probably every third one.

TBH I don't think he sounds too bad. Just a typical bloke being a bit crap. The big issue is that the inconsistency of communication is making you feel bad, and that's no good.

I think you might be feeling insecure because of your bad experience with your ex and carrying it through to this relationship. I think bluepetticoat is spot on re both of you having different expectations of the relationship.

How do you get on? Are you close? Do you ever talk about the future of the relationship? Btw it sounds to me like he's NOT seeing someone else.

How about an ultimatum talk with him? That way you'll be able to see how much you mean to him if he's faced with make or break?

Ultimately your own happiness is most important so if he is making you feel that bad, then end it - but as you like him lots, it's maybe worth one final shot at a frank talk?

I would steer clear of the mind games, it'll only end up doing your head in more than his!

Best wishes.

He is rubberbanding, according to that bloody Venus and Mars book. Take a loo.

I knew someone like this once. He did like me, genuinely. He was just totally rubbish and his head was away in the clouds a lot of the time. Had no concept that I found it odd not hearing from him for days.

or a look even :-)

so when he sends 10 texts after a gap, what are they about? Just general chit chat? eg How are you ? what you been up to?

why doesn't he call you if he wants to "talk"?

I'm sorry but I think you are over reacting. Not to receive texts for a day or two every now and then is not a hanging crime! It means he has other stuff going on in his life and head- and is that unusual in a 4-month relationship?

I've been married for centuries, but can remember that in the early days- and I'd call 4 months early days- then I would not expect a guy to be in contact daily, or get all worried if he wasn't. It seems as if daily contact via text is now the expectation of many people, and I think this is unreasonable TBH.

The point is- you don't HAVE to respond if he sends 10 texts in a day. You can ignore or simply reply to one.

If you get into a tit for tat replying to every single text which he initiates then it gives him the message ( ha!) that you are okay with this type of behaviour.

It's the equivalent of him snapping his fingers and you come running.

Either stop investing so much and over thinking what IMO is just normal blokey behaviour- or step back and be a bit more circumspect and see what happens longer term.

To be honest, I would definitely put a stop to this relationship, especially if it is causing you all this heartache. You have told him twice already and he hasn't listened. A quick text just to say "hi. how are you" takes less than 10 seconds. If he can't be bothered to do that then do you really want to be bothered with him?

Now. I'm only playing Devils Advocate after saying all that. What if he is thinking exactly the same about you? During the 3 days of silence, do you ever think that you should just text? Why are you waiting for him?

I have just read the original post to my DH who said, without any hesitation whatsoever, 'He's up to no good then.'

D

Your responses gave me a lot of perspective and i decided to back off and let him make a bit more running. I told him how I felt, again. Loads of texts this week, even more than usual. Then nothing again since Thursday. I'm done. On FB though he seems to have made a couple of new friends etc so he has time for FB but not to message me?

Now truth or dignity? Tell him to piss off or just not bother and just go silent like I said I would? Quite frankly I don't want to talk to him again or have any kind of discussion, just want to back off and get over it in my own time. I'm clearly only there for when he has nothing better to do and with that in mind I don't feel that I particularly owe him any explanation. I feel but mostly .

"Tell him to piss off or just not bother and just go silent like I said I would? "
Well, if you warned him you would go silent, that's what I would do. I'd also block his number so that you don't have to see any angry/wheedling/snide or whatever response from him. Just walk away and don't look back.

It's what I want to do and I did say I would, just don't want to be childish about it. We have mutual friends. However he obviously wasn't bothered so I don't actually feel I owe him any other explanation. Thanks for replying.

What's childish about it? As for the mutual friends, any that are worth their salt will laugh at him if he moans to them.