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Relationships

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Original poster

Texting etiquette

118 replies

MalloryKane · 22/04/2012 18:48

You are seeing someone for four months, exclusively, every now and then he does a disappearing act and you don't hear from him for a day or two or three, then he just texts as normal and goes back to the 10 x texts or calls a day. He knows it bothers you because you told him TWICE!

What do you do when he finally does text or call after these intervals? Would you ignore, make him wait to get a response (how long?) or just text back as normal.

I know this seems trivial but its actually causing me a lot of heart ache because it is seems so hot and cold. I feel like the rug is pulled out from under my feet whenever this happens. He lives a long way away so we don't see each other very often, calls and texts are a lifeline really.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:

JarethTheGoblinKing · 22/04/2012 19:28

Do you know what he is doing on the days that he doesn't text? Isn't he just busy? I have days when I simply don't have time to even look at my phone, let alone text or email.

Am at everybody saying sack him off and delete him tbh.

Texting is evil...

Guitargirl · 22/04/2012 19:29

A friend of mine does the ending each text with a question thing and she has told me she does it to ensure she gets replies, which of course doesn't always work.

If you want the relationship to continue then I think you should just be more relaxed about replying to HIS texts, don't feel as though you have to reply immediately just because he's asking a question. Does he have children too? Could he be not getting in touch when he is with them?

Original poster

MalloryKane · 22/04/2012 19:30

No, he doesn't have children and it's usually weekends when I don't hear from him .

OP posts:

SpringHasSprungALeak · 22/04/2012 19:32

Make a note of the days he disappears. I wonder if he has a family/kids elsewhere

Original poster

MalloryKane · 22/04/2012 19:34

No I've been to his place loads, met all his friends etc. He doesn't have another family. Maybe another girlfriend I suppose but if he does he's about as serious about her as he is about me as he is always available to see me.

OP posts:

Guitargirl · 22/04/2012 19:35

Maybe he's sleeping/hungover/on the X box/out with friends/staring into space/swimming/reading/somewhere with no phone reception/could be a million and one other things.

Bottom line is: how much does this bother you? I reckon your choices are:

learn to live with it/ignore it and see how things develop over the next few months
try talking to him about it again
follow him one weekend
end the relationship

Original poster

MalloryKane · 22/04/2012 19:40

at following him.

I think I am just going to back off, stop attaching importance to the relationship his loss and just get on with things in general. Maybe I'm reading too much into it. I do get worried about my radar being skewed though and I worry about ignoring the ubiquitous MN Red Flags .

For now do I reply to this message of today or just leave it?

OP posts:

Original poster

MalloryKane · 22/04/2012 19:41

Thanks for all your replies, feel calmer and less shrieky if nothing else.

OP posts:

Helltotheno · 22/04/2012 19:42

Another woman I'd say. Otherwise he prefers spending weekend with mates and is holding you at arm's length.

Either way OP it actually doesn't matter because the issue is you've told him more than once it bothers you and he's done nothing to change it, meaning that you're not in his top 3 priorities.

It's not what you want. Walk away.

Helltotheno · 22/04/2012 19:43

No reply. If you want to enter the world of game-playing OP, just don't initiate any text contact. Leave all of it to him....

adamschic · 22/04/2012 19:44

I recently broke up with someone because of the same thing. It's not long distance and we both were happy with casual but I wanted a regular casual thing, not not to hear from him for days at a time. Told him it was over and not to contact me but we missed each other so are back on. I hate overcontact and texting all day etc but I expect to hear something on a regular basis.

People here can be very harsh when in reality you don't know what they are putting up with it does depend on how much you like him. It's not always easy to find someone whom you really enjoy being with so sometimes you have to put up with things to keep the status quo.

molepom · 22/04/2012 19:46

Read the red flag thread...he's all over it.

He's just using you to get his leg over, playing maind and power games and it's only going to get worse...

Get rid and move on.

Guitargirl · 22/04/2012 19:46

I would leave it until tomorrow evening before replying. It's not playing games, it's just 'resetting the tone' of your texting .

molepom · 22/04/2012 19:46

*mind games.

Original poster

MalloryKane · 22/04/2012 19:49

I do like him A LOT. But feel really unhappy with it sometimes. I feel like he holds all the cards with regards to contact, he chooses as and when to be in contact etc. I feel unsafe with it but I'm not sure how much of that is my own issues because my ex was an unreliable ar*ehole for pretty much the whole time we were together.

I honestly don't know how to play this. Am .

OP posts:

Original poster

MalloryKane · 22/04/2012 19:50

"resetting the tone" of the texting sounds like a plan. Taking some of the power back maybe.

OP posts:

Original poster

MalloryKane · 22/04/2012 19:51

molepom my ex should have his picture on that thread but I wasn't sure about thus one. I think it's more that "he's just not that into me"

OP posts:

Helltotheno · 22/04/2012 19:52

I feel unsafe with it but I'm not sure how much of that is my own issues because my ex was an unreliable arehole for pretty much the whole time we were together*

Well if that was your ex's pattern, then it IS something you need to watch out for and I can't understand how you haven't dumped this guy already because it's already shaping up to be the same thing. What do you want from a relationship OP? How do you want to be treated? Define your own boundaries and don't accept anything less.
This guy is not The One.

lou2321 · 22/04/2012 19:56

I am shocked at the posts that suggest he could possibly be too busy to text for 2 or 3 days - REALLY - what on earth could he be doing to not have the time to text 'been mega busy today so not much time to text but just want to say hello quick?' I don't think it would be too much to ask even if he had children, I work and have 2 dcs and don't think there has ever been a day I haven't texted my DH at some point.

Also, not contacting you for a whole weekend after you have been together 4months exclusively is really weird. I can't really understnd it.

I think it would be odd for you to just ignore his texts, you should have a final talk with him, also you shouldn't be feeling like you can't just call or text him on these days if you want to. When me and DH were together early on it never crossed my mind to wonder whether to text him or not at any point.

Take control, call him when you want see what happens, if that doesn't work tell him you're not happy about it and end things if need be. It shouldn't be hard 4 months in!

Original poster

MalloryKane · 22/04/2012 20:04

Yeah my friends say it should be at the stage by now when I can text or call when I want to without wondering if I am being too "needy". This isn't good is it?

OP posts:

HairyGrotter · 22/04/2012 20:06

My DP is terrible at texting, rarely looks at his phone, and is just piss poor at it, but he is wonderful at communicating with me online or phone calls. I've expressed to him how much it means to me, and he's respected that, as much as I've respected things about him that I've learnt.

If he's not prepared to meet you half way, then I'd say it's not worth putting anymore energy in it.

tribpot · 22/04/2012 20:12

I feel like he holds all the cards with regards to contact, he chooses as and when to be in contact etc.

Have I missed the bit where you explained why this is, OP? Given you've got what sounds like a very hectic life, I'm surprised it's not you suggesting the days/times when you're available as his life sounds much less complicated.

lou2321 · 22/04/2012 20:12

Definitely talk to him or just try to call him the next time he does this and see what happens.

I was in a similar situation myself, my boyfriend used to not call or text for a few days then would be back to normal. Someone told me he lived with someone but I was so sure it wasn't true, the person who told me wasn't reliable generally. He used to stay over at my house twice a week and I saw him another couple of times a week so even though I knew something wasn't right I convinced myself it wasn't that he was with someone else.

I hacked into his voicemail and heard a message from his partner who was absolutely livid as she was at the hospital with her DS and couldn't get hold of him (he was with me overnight). I of course then knew he was lying at that point - I was so cross I had been so naive!!

Its not necessarily the case in your situation but just beacuse you see him so often it doesn't mean he definitely isn't!

I hope you work things out one way or another.

Bluepetticoat · 22/04/2012 20:13

I belong to the generation when texting wasn't invented.

After I'd had a date with a guy of 4 months, we might speak to each other once a week in between dates, but that was all.

Is this an incredibly old fashioned expectation?

I just don't get all this texting- which seems to be sending thoughts that pop into your head .

Unless there is a real reason for the contact- why bother? Far better to talk on the phone.

Bluebelly · 22/04/2012 20:13

I have been in a similar situation as you, and know the turmoil you're going through. My decision was to respond by text but in a very casual way. What I definitely didn't want was to give him the impression that he (and his random texts) were the highlight of my life. I fear that if you leave your reply till tomorrow or later, it will look very much as though you are playing games - or rather, that you are playing into his hands.

A casual response allows you exit the relationship with more dignity, I think. And I DO think that exiting the relationship is the right thing, and I think that you know that really, too?

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