HELP My husband has left i dont know what to do, long thread but please read

[loganberry12]

My husband & i have been married for 7 years we have a 16 year old son and a 2 year old daughter together. Our relationship has been up and down from the start really he had a cannabis problem but gave it up a year ago after i threw him out and gave him an ultimatum his family or the drugs. We had a normal sex life up until i fell pregnant unplanned with our little girl who is now 2yrs 7 months old. He did not want me to keep her at first and would not talk to me for the first 3 weeks after i found out i was pregnant. He loves her to pieces now and she is a daddies girl. We have only had sex twice since her birth the last time being 2 years ago. I feel unloved and ugly and have told him this we argue a lot over it and he thinks theres nothing wrong in not being itimate. I feel sad and lonely and yearn for the man i married who could not keep his hands off me. Well to cut a long story short he left the other night almost 2 weeks now after i said things needed to change and i wasnt happy. he has been home twice to see the children but wont dicuss our relationship just said he's sick of me moaning, i really dont know what to do. Everyone i speak to says my marriage is over and to move on im so confused i cant sleep he doesnt seem bothered. sorry for the long thread

I'm so sorry you feel so sad and hurt and confused, really feeling your pain sweetheart. I'm not sure what to say because, though you think your post is long, it's hard to say whether things are over for good and what's really going on for him from this post. Do you want to say more? x

It may not seem like it now, but this is a GOOD thing! You have a tough few months ahead, but you don't need someone who makes you feel the way he does. My bet is he is still on the drugs, well let him rot!

i feel so sad for my little girl she stands and looks out the window for her daddy my heart just breaks. If i said to him to come home and i kept my mouth shut about how i feel and put up with no intimacy or affection then he'd probably come home but i dont know if i can live a life feeling so unloved and unimportant. Another thing he is the only one that works i left work when i had my daughter so will have to claim benefits because he says he wont pay while he's not living at home. I havent any friends to speak to because we never went out at all he would say we cant afford it, i feel so lonely i know we didnt really talk but a least it was another adult there at the end of the day, i feel so isolated and confused, i have older daughters who say just move on you can do better but they have their own life's. My mother thinks i should just put up and shut up , my heart is crying inside and i feel so down, i walk around crying all day and cant pull myself together
i feel so worthless

OP, I don't know if your marriage is over or not.

All I can say is that things are changing in your life. I know it has come as a shock, but now may be time for you to go through a few things. Some questions that may help you focus are:
Who am I?
Who is my husband?
What has been the reality of our marriage in recent times?

Post away here, some people may be able to help you and reading back your own posts will definitely help you.

It sounds like he's spent quite some time deciding it's over. Probably since well before your DD was born, hence why he wasn't keen on her arriving. So he's had 3 years+ at least to get used to the idea, chose the one time you stood up to him to leave his whole family.... and you've had about five minutes.

Shock, hurt, abandonment, confusion, sentimentality, upset... this is your life now for as long as it takes to get to the next level which is utter fury at putting up with all his crap for so many years only to be ditched like a piece of rubbish.

What to do is not panic, beg him to return or do anything else rash just because you've been caught on the back foot. Get some friends around you and lean on them for support. Take your time to let the initial shock subside then don't get mad.... get even.

I agree that you don't seem to be able to make sense of your relationship or anything at the moment.

There are some things that stand out for me in your posts, but I don't want to jump to conclusions. For example him not wanting you to go out - was it just the money? Was he 'in charge' in other or most ways?

I'm also shocked that he didn't speak to you for three weeks when you fell pregnant. However much he was stressed or unhappy, that is a dreadful, unfair punishment. Makes me feel sad and angry for you.

I think you need to get legal advice, both from CAB and a solicitor. You should also see your GP and get a referral for some counselling.

I think you have a long journey to make. I think you probably need to examine your own childhood family dynamics, as your mother's reaction seems a little odd.

Also do prepare yourself incase there is another woman.

You also need to gather some RL support around you. Contact old friends. Take to other Mums.
Don't let yourself be isolated anymore.

another thing a wanted to go back to work recently one to help out financially but mostly because i felt i needed to be me again amongst other adults and not stuck in doors all day i only wanted to go part time so i could still be with my little girl and have some adult time too, but he was dead against it saying that i wanted our daughter so should stay at home with her until she goes to school and that i was selfish and was fed up with her already, which is utter rubbish i love her to pieces, but think it would be good for both me and her

And this is telling too:
he wont pay while he's not living at home.

I agree that he has been leaving for quite a while and the more you chase the worst.

It hurts but you have to accept it because it's the only way you can move on and be happy.

Classic control freak stuff. Of course he didn't want you to be out and about, earning money, interacting with other adults and making friends. He wanted you nicely isolated & pinned down at home where you're no threat. You've put up with drug addiction for at least 16 years (doubt he's still clean btw), he withdrew from intimacy which is very cruel, behaved appallingly over your daughter's arrival and has now walked out on her as well as you. Calling you selfish?... He should take the plank out of his own eye before he dares comment on the splinter in anyone else's....

Are you getting angry yet?... Watch your daughter looking through the window wondering where Daddy is and, if you can't get furious on your own behalf, get really angry on hers.

your all right i know when i read back these posts and mine i see what a selfish person he is and what a waste of time crying over it all is, its just so hard to except the marriage is a failure and i have been walking around blind for so long,
i feel like running to the top of a cliff somewhere and screaming really really loudly im so pissed off right now , im 45 and have got nowhere in life

Screaming off a cliff isn't a bad strategy :) It is SO frustrating to realise you've wasted a big chunk of your life on a total dick-head. All that emotional investment flung back in your face is such a horrible thing to happen. But, on the plus side, you are the better person for at least having made that emotional investment. You are not a failure just because you had it in you to care and be so compassionate. You've also shown that you are an optimist, that you are resourceful and highly resilient.... great character traits for the next stage of your life. Plus you have two lovely children so 'nowhere' isn't strictly accurate.

I think you should be proud of yourself for communicating how you felt about the lack of affection and how it made you feel, and sticking to it, that showed strength..

You deserved to feel loved and important in your relationship - your mother is so wrong with her 'put up and shut up' view, and i too wonder if she has always squashed you down like that.

Your DD will be sad for a while, but children adjust, you could not continue like that, and your DD would have seen you unhappy for years to come..

At least now you can start a new positive life!
Be kind to yourself now, get a wonderful haircut to help you feel good, go back to work and start a new life devoid of control freaks, oh and Thank god you got out at 45, not 65! x

Your marriage was not a failure, and nor are you.
You have 2 children you have devoted your life to.
You are 45, you have a whole lot of life ahead of you.

Marriage is a two way thing. You couldn't possibly make it work alone.

thank you i feel much more positive by just posting here tonight and reading some of your reply's its going to be hard but ive done this before with previous relationships and i'll do it again after all i have a little girl who really needs me right now and a teenage son who does too im just going to take each day and be as positive as i can

Go for it Loganberry!

And if you feel shite, post again, we'll all be here!

thank you xx

woke up this morning under a big dark cloud feel so low again, wish i could stop feeling this way and get angry. Sent my hubby txt saying how he was selfish for leaving not just me but his children and all because he didnt want to make love to me and if i complained i didnt want a celibate life he said i was moaning. Wish i hadnt sent it now of course cos he then knows im still thinking about him, and he didnt reply as he never does. Ive got to get on with the day and be a mum but i just want to curl up in bed and cry and turn my back on the world its so hard. I hate all this heart ache wish it was gone !!!

Stop contacting him. He sounds like a horrible man, but he's done you a massive favour in leaving because you should have left him yourself years ago. Your daughters are right and your mum's advice is appalling, but she probably belongs to a generation where men's atrocious behaviour was more indulged by very feeble women.

I think he's been seeing someone else and is why he's left now, but that's her problem now.

He cannot refuse to pay for his own children and because you're married, you are on much stronger legal footing.

You need to see a solicitor as soon as possible and try to detach from him completely. No contact other than when he wants to see the children.

i have no income so cannot afford a solicitor, he swears he isnt seeing anyone else, he said he left cos he was fed up with me nagging , he is staying at a house which is attached to the care home he works at, i know this because i know a few of the staff there and they have confirmed that. I think if i agreed to a celibate life with him he'd come back he has no sex drive, he's never had much of one before and to be honest sex was never that good.

Absolutely stop communicating with him. It'll be easier for you that way. Many solicitors offer a free half-hour to go through your options and legal entitlements. Citizen's Advice Bureau are also extremely good for that kind of thing.

You will carry on feeling upset for quite some time but that's why you have to set things in motion that force your attention away from the emotional 'why me?' hand-wringing. I found the process of getting legal advice was difficult but at least felt like progress. Lying in bed and hoping it all goes away is one tactic but it gets old quickly. Is there something physically challenging you could channel your energies into? Cupboard scrubbing? A sport? Digging the garden?

Most solicitors give you a free 1/2 hour consultation, they should then be able to advise you how you can pay the fees as part of the settlement. He can't get away with not paying, for you and the kids, you are also entitled to half his pension. Don't agree to anything without legal advice.

Lots of solicitors will give you half an hour for free, but you should also contact women's charities such as Women's Aid to see if they can help.

They can also help with counselling and I think you'd benefit from some. You've stayed with a drug-using man who has deprived you of a decent sex life. You need to find out why that's all you thought you were worth.

'Nagging' incidentally is a sexist term used by men to describe women's perfectly reasonable requests for them to behave like a decent human being.

BTW... 'fed up with the nagging' just means 'fed up with not getting my own way'. Again... classic controlling perspective from selfish brat-men.

You know there is nothing wrong in saying that you don't want a celibate life. There is also nothing wrong in saying that you aren't happy about it.
It is wrong to say that you were 'moaning' (It shows complete disrespect for your feelings).
It is wrong to put you uner pressure re work and your dd saying in effect 'You wanted that child, now you look after it'. I actually think he is projecting his own feelings onto you as he didn't want the baby in the first place so thinks you must not want to spend time with her, that you have enough etc...

I know you say that she is a real 'daddy's girl' but I do wonder if he is still not very ressentful that you choose to have the baby against his wishes.

Re 'not paying anything as he is not living there' .... The thing is is still the father of two children, one of which is under 3yo. He will HAVE to pay something towards their keeping, some maintenace money, not for you but for his children. And he can't get out of that one.
Do you have some money atm? Do you have access to the joint account? You will need to ensure that you can pay the bills until money starts coming in (benefits or other).
I would also have a word re your dd. Seeing the dcs twice in 2 weeks isn't a lot, especially for someone who is so fond of their young dc. Do you think you could arrange something so that your dd can see her dad?