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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HELP My husband has left i dont know what to do, long thread but please read

287 replies

loganberry12 · 21/04/2012 20:42

My husband & i have been married for 7 years we have a 16 year old son and a 2 year old daughter together. Our relationship has been up and down from the start really he had a cannabis problem but gave it up a year ago after i threw him out and gave him an ultimatum his family or the drugs. We had a normal sex life up until i fell pregnant unplanned with our little girl who is now 2yrs 7 months old. He did not want me to keep her at first and would not talk to me for the first 3 weeks after i found out i was pregnant. He loves her to pieces now and she is a daddies girl. We have only had sex twice since her birth the last time being 2 years ago. I feel unloved and ugly and have told him this we argue a lot over it and he thinks theres nothing wrong in not being itimate. I feel sad and lonely and yearn for the man i married who could not keep his hands off me. Well to cut a long story short he left the other night almost 2 weeks now after i said things needed to change and i wasnt happy. he has been home twice to see the children but wont dicuss our relationship just said he's sick of me moaning, i really dont know what to do. Everyone i speak to says my marriage is over and to move on im so confused i cant sleep he doesnt seem bothered. sorry for the long thread

OP posts:
timetochangeagain · 26/04/2012 18:36

I don't think you should be hiding from his mother that you have split if she would help you - why keep his secret for you.

Original poster
loganberry12 · 26/04/2012 18:59

she's in her late 80's and quite poorly i dont want to upset her thats up to him to tell her after all he left us.

OP posts:
Original poster
loganberry12 · 26/04/2012 19:13

does anyone know how long income support and tax credits take till i get anything please?

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 26/04/2012 19:50

No idea but you could ask in Lone Parents.

midwife99 · 26/04/2012 20:01

I think it takes a while - go to your local childrens centre & speak to a family support worker. They are GREAT at helping with benefits, housing etc

Original poster
loganberry12 · 26/04/2012 20:39

ive asked in lone parents thank you : )

OP posts:
Original poster
loganberry12 · 26/04/2012 22:53

just realized what a selfish idiot my husband is, he said he cant get me any money, he's asked his mum she has none!! so thats it is it ? out of sight out of mind , hello !! you have two children here what do you expect them to do, sit in the cold and dark while you live it up in Germany all weekend? god i hate him at the moment

OP posts:
Original poster
loganberry12 · 27/04/2012 11:21

feeling a lot more positive today tax credits have already changed my claim and i'll be receiving money from sunday so thats good at least i'll have some money till the other benefits get sorted. Still feeling a little pang for my husband though so sad things didnt work out i really need a cuddle from him but im staying strong, he's collecting the kids this evening for a few hours

OP posts:
mummytime · 27/04/2012 11:26

Try to remember the anger, it will help you keep him at a distance. Whatever happens remember he was quite happy to leave you and the kids no money and go off on a works trip. That really shows how much he cares.

timetochangeagain · 27/04/2012 11:28

Stay strong - I'm going away today. Really glad tax credits are sorted already.

Original poster
loganberry12 · 27/04/2012 11:41

thanks everyone im trying to stay strong and positive :)

OP posts:
midwife99 · 27/04/2012 13:01

Glad you feel a bit better. It will take time & you are being really strong. What happened with CSA?

Original poster
loganberry12 · 27/04/2012 15:25

midwife i have applied for csa they will contact him just have to wait for him to reply i expect he'll hang it out as long as possible though and not tell them the true figure he earns

OP posts:
midwife99 · 27/04/2012 16:03

Yes it's likely he will delay but eventually they will just contact his employer & get a true figure & do an attachment of earnings to take it straight from his pay. They will backdate your claim to now

Original poster
loganberry12 · 27/04/2012 16:31

thats good then didnt know they could do that :)

OP posts:
Original poster
loganberry12 · 27/04/2012 17:57

god i feel all paranoid and screaming inside again, he's just been to pick up the kids and said he needed to collect his stuff when he brings them back i said yes you need your suit and shirt and shoes dont you and he said well i dont know i might as well take it all, so now im thinking its really final, he's got someone else he wants to take everything,where as before he wasnt fussed about leaving it here still, im going out of my mind now i want to ask him if he's moving in with someone else and why he's suddenly decided to take everything, but know i shouldnt cos it looks like i care then, although i do but i dont want him to know that please say something to stop me hes coming back at 7.30

OP posts:
midwife99 · 27/04/2012 18:25

Listen Logan whatever the reason (OW or not) he left 3 weeks ago & is not coming back. I know you're devastated but spend the next hour thinking about how he treated you. Think about what a relief it is not to be in this damaging relationship anymore & how your DCs can now learn how men should treat women. You deserve so much better. Stir up the anger before he returns & bag all his stuff up in bin bags so he doesn't even need to come in. ALL HIS STUFF!! Have it ready on the doorstep for him.

cwtchy · 27/04/2012 18:26

Put his stuff in bags and leave it outside where the kids can't see, ready for him to take when he comes back. If he's going, he's going, there is nothing you can do. You won't have to let him in then.

Original poster
loganberry12 · 27/04/2012 18:30

thanks Midwife i just pm'd you hope you dont mind, his stuff is all bagged up in the bedroom so much o it though im not lugging it all down the stairs i'll leave it for him, just hope i can stay calm and not burst into gestapo mode with questions

OP posts:
Original poster
loganberry12 · 27/04/2012 18:31

cwtchy cant really put it where the kids wont see as there is only the front door entrance which they have to come through to get in x

OP posts:
midwife99 · 27/04/2012 18:34

If anyone can give you some girl power cwtchy can Wink

midwife99 · 27/04/2012 18:35

Logan - the kids know he has left. Can't hide his stuff!! Have it bagged up ready outside. Bin bags not Louis Vuitton cases!

Original poster
loganberry12 · 27/04/2012 18:38

i feel panicky and really want to cry i need to hold it together

OP posts:
midwife99 · 27/04/2012 18:44

Have you got some alcohol in the house? Have a stiff one & act the part of a powerful woman who has had enough even though you're shaking inside. I know you don't want to lug his stuff downstairs but psychologically it's important that you put his stuff out yourself & take control. Not stand by while he does it & feel as if he's leaving you all over again.

cwtchy · 27/04/2012 18:47

I agree with midwife, getting it outside will give you something physical to do to use up all that nervous energy....keep it together til he is gone. Then you can put the kids to bed and cry and cry. Not long to go, you can do it xxx