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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HELP My husband has left i dont know what to do, long thread but please read

287 replies

loganberry12 · 21/04/2012 20:42

My husband & i have been married for 7 years we have a 16 year old son and a 2 year old daughter together. Our relationship has been up and down from the start really he had a cannabis problem but gave it up a year ago after i threw him out and gave him an ultimatum his family or the drugs. We had a normal sex life up until i fell pregnant unplanned with our little girl who is now 2yrs 7 months old. He did not want me to keep her at first and would not talk to me for the first 3 weeks after i found out i was pregnant. He loves her to pieces now and she is a daddies girl. We have only had sex twice since her birth the last time being 2 years ago. I feel unloved and ugly and have told him this we argue a lot over it and he thinks theres nothing wrong in not being itimate. I feel sad and lonely and yearn for the man i married who could not keep his hands off me. Well to cut a long story short he left the other night almost 2 weeks now after i said things needed to change and i wasnt happy. he has been home twice to see the children but wont dicuss our relationship just said he's sick of me moaning, i really dont know what to do. Everyone i speak to says my marriage is over and to move on im so confused i cant sleep he doesnt seem bothered. sorry for the long thread

OP posts:
Lueji · 22/04/2012 10:10

He should pay for you too because you both decided that you would be a sahm and it now damages your chances of finding a job.

threeleftfeet · 22/04/2012 10:21

loganberry please don't even consider agreeing to a celibate existence!

You are well shot of this man. This first bit will be hard, but once your confidence starts to return you'll wish he'd left sooner, I promise you.

Original poster
loganberry12 · 22/04/2012 10:41

another thing most of his stuff is still here ive bagged it all up but he keeps putting off taking it why is he doing this? is he leaving his options open?

OP posts:
GoOnPitch · 22/04/2012 10:46

Yes he is. He is probably hoping that you will do what you have been talkig about: ask him to come back and keep your mouth shut.

Please don't do that! You deserve more than that!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/04/2012 10:51

Well done bagging up the stuff. A short message saying 'come and get your gear or it's going in the skip' should spur him into action. Or, if you can be bothered, drop it off outside where he's living. Stuff in your house is like the ex boyfriend that keeps a toothbrush in your bathroom.... it's their way of scent-marking their territory. Get rid of it.

threeleftfeet · 22/04/2012 11:29

Legal aid is available to cover marriage breakup.

You should definitely go and see a family lawyer, it would be really helpful for you to know your rights.

Would you mind saying roughly whereabouts you are? Maybe someone can recommend a good family lawyer in your area. (Although if you don't want to say where you are no worries, we understand!)

Original poster
loganberry12 · 22/04/2012 15:18

im in kent uk

OP posts:
Original poster
loganberry12 · 22/04/2012 15:22

i told him i'd bagged it up and was going to take it up the skip but got no reaction from him what so ever ive seen him since he didnt mention it, i asked him when he was going to take his stuff and he said why do you want me to take it right now then, have you got someone else lined up to move in, i just said no but theres no point in dragging things out if we are splitting up , but i would rather he took it when my children arnt around really dont want to cause them any more upset. He also has a key which he wont give back until he's stuff is out .

OP posts:
Doha · 22/04/2012 15:26

Oh dear loganberry12 where did you lose these keys. Think if you can't find them you better get these lockes changed soon Wink

nkf · 22/04/2012 15:30

One day at a time and lots of list making. Reallly sad for you but just take it slow and you will be fine.

threeleftfeet · 22/04/2012 15:37

I don't know Kent well, but I posted this for you, hopefully someone can suggest one.

Original poster
loganberry12 · 22/04/2012 15:45

its such early days im not really thinking about solicitors right now i suppose if im honest i think that if we have time apart he'll realize what he has and come home a better husband and i illusional ?

OP posts:
Original poster
loganberry12 · 22/04/2012 15:45

ment am i being illusional?

OP posts:
midwife99 · 22/04/2012 15:48

See a family law solicitor ASAP. Legal Aid will cover what you need to divorce him for unreasonable behaviour for the drug use & emotional abuse. Contact CSA tomorrow & make a claim for child maintenance. Contact benefits agency & claim income support & housing & council tax benefits. Contact your mortgage lender or landlord to say you are now living in the property on your own & to discuss the tenancy/mortgage position. Ask the solicitor about the position on changing the locks. Put his bags of stuff outside by the bins & forget about them. Despite what he says he IS legally responsible to provide for you & the children. You can't go back to that life can you?

midwife99 · 22/04/2012 15:49

I think you need to get angry, take control of the situation & do what's best for YOU AND THE CHILDREN. He will never change.

PattyPenguin · 22/04/2012 15:50

As threeleftfeet says, legal aid is available to cover divorce. However, this will not be the case from April 2013 on (unless the Mumsnet / WI / Netmums / Rights of Women campaign succeeds, which is not a certainty), so I think seeing a solicitor as soon as possible would be a good idea.

Original poster
loganberry12 · 22/04/2012 18:07

i suppose as its only been 2 weeks it such early days im not looking at it as permanent but i will have to claim benefits as i have no means of income other than what he was bring home child benefit and tax credits, but once i declare him as left i will no longer get the working tax credit. I just dont want to go through all the rigmarole of form filling if its a temporary separation i really dont know what to do???

OP posts:
MOSagain · 22/04/2012 18:12

Agree OP needs to see a family lawyer asap. Public funding (legal aid) is still available for divorce and ancillary relief matters. Contrary to what other posters have said, unfortunately very few lawyers who give free first interviews, many do a fixed fee, ie 50 plus VAT instead of the usual hourly rate of 200 plus.
OP have a look at the Resolution website and try to find a family lawyer in your area that offers public funding.

Also, consider an application to the CSA, he has to provide for the children.

With regards to the changing of the locks, unfortunately you are not able to do so as the house is the matrimonial home and he is entitled to access to it, no matter how unfair this may seem. If you do change the locks he is within his rights to demand a copy of the new key.

Hattytown · 22/04/2012 23:21

The female solicitors round my way are still offering the 1st half hour free, because they feel very strongly that women are going to be affected most by the changes to legal aid.

But all this legal advice sounds a waste of time OP, because it sounds as though you want to stay with a man who treats you like dirt, is rubbish in bed and is mean with money. People treat us in life the way we think we deserve to be treated and it's such a shame that you don't value yourself and your children more.

timetochangeagain · 22/04/2012 23:30

Practical things

Claim Tax credits
Are you in rented?? claim HB
Ring CSA, straight away, let him know he will be paying, disabuse him of this notion he can walk away and not pay
Ring council, single persons allowance re Council Tax
Those bags you have packed
Put them all outside and send him a photo

If you dont tell them he has left and they find out, they will want money back

timetochangeagain · 22/04/2012 23:31

oh and free school meals as well for DS

midwife99 · 23/04/2012 11:54

I think you want to get back together too. Why? Fear can be crippling but what is it that makes you want him back?

Original poster
loganberry12 · 23/04/2012 13:53

i miss him crazy i know , i still love him and my children miss him although he wasnt much of a husband he is a good father. Also when we got together 9 years ago we were so happy he was very loving and attentive, then. Although my eldest son is his we had a short relationship which resulted in our son we didnt stay together we both moved on in different relationships we have only been together for 9 years. It was my choice then i didnt want to be with him he was very immature 16 years ago he has grown up a lot since or so i thought. He was addicted to cannabis as i said in my first post but gave it up because i gave him the choice that or us. He was loving then, since coming off it he has got more and more distant. I saw him today when i was driving out and about he waved, i miss him so much why cant he just want to love me ??

OP posts:
midwife99 · 23/04/2012 16:50

I think you're missing the man he used to be, not the man he has become in the last few years.

midwife99 · 23/04/2012 16:53

Actually OP you said the relationship was up & down from the start in your original post so it sounds like he wasn't ever good to you for long.