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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HELP My husband has left i dont know what to do, long thread but please read

287 replies

loganberry12 · 21/04/2012 20:42

My husband & i have been married for 7 years we have a 16 year old son and a 2 year old daughter together. Our relationship has been up and down from the start really he had a cannabis problem but gave it up a year ago after i threw him out and gave him an ultimatum his family or the drugs. We had a normal sex life up until i fell pregnant unplanned with our little girl who is now 2yrs 7 months old. He did not want me to keep her at first and would not talk to me for the first 3 weeks after i found out i was pregnant. He loves her to pieces now and she is a daddies girl. We have only had sex twice since her birth the last time being 2 years ago. I feel unloved and ugly and have told him this we argue a lot over it and he thinks theres nothing wrong in not being itimate. I feel sad and lonely and yearn for the man i married who could not keep his hands off me. Well to cut a long story short he left the other night almost 2 weeks now after i said things needed to change and i wasnt happy. he has been home twice to see the children but wont dicuss our relationship just said he's sick of me moaning, i really dont know what to do. Everyone i speak to says my marriage is over and to move on im so confused i cant sleep he doesnt seem bothered. sorry for the long thread

OP posts:
midwife99 · 27/04/2012 19:10

We will be here to mop up those tears when he's gone Logan

Original poster
loganberry12 · 27/04/2012 20:32

well i held it together until he'd gone he took everything. Then my little girl said she saw dadies friend he gave her a lift and i lost it went down to his work he said he gave soemone he knew from work and gave them a lift, what bullshit, i really lost it im afraid called him all the names under the sun and told him he neednt think he's seeing his kids with that slag in tow, i also told him im going to close his bank account down its my old account he uses because when we first got together he couldnt get a bank account he kicked my car as i drove off unfortunately my 2 year old was in the car!!!

OP posts:
midwife99 · 27/04/2012 21:42

Oh no that's not good honey. Are you ok?

Original poster
loganberry12 · 27/04/2012 21:52

im ok had a good cry now im just so bloody angry i really want to do something to make him sorry but im know im just winding myself up, i just really really hate him right now

OP posts:
Original poster
loganberry12 · 28/04/2012 12:34

sent some stupid txt of which he didnt answer, first hating him then begging him back then wishing him dead oh god its all a nightmare

OP posts:
threeleftfeet · 28/04/2012 13:04

loganberry this bit is the worse bit, but it will get better I promise. You need to channel that anger into building a new life for you and your DCs, away from him.

Your best revenge is to show how much better off you can be without him. And seeing as he stopped you from doing what you wanted to (e.g. working), made you feel unloved and ugly, I don't doubt you will flourish once you're free of his influence and are at the point where you no longer miss him.

How's your son btw, is he coping OK?

midwife99 · 28/04/2012 14:08

I know it's hard but you MUST NOT text him or go to his workplace to have a go at him again. You are putting yourself in the role of bunny boiler ex & him as poor bullied man who has had to run away. I agree - revenge is a dish best served cold - you can do this by rising above it all, being dignified & a good mum. Karma will see to him eventually while you get on with your life. Driving your 2 year old in a rage & allowing her to witness a violent row between you ending in him kicking the car is not good. Please think of this from the DCs point of view love. Vent your fury to us, we can support you but protect the DCs & your dignity.

Original poster
loganberry12 · 28/04/2012 22:09

I know i really got to pull myself together and i will but wish things were different, just because he has left and obviously has no feeling for me i cant just switch off my feelings

OP posts:
Original poster
loganberry12 · 29/04/2012 04:36

found out he is seeing someone where he works she's in her 20's hes 40 hurts like hell so devasted

OP posts:
TeaJunky · 29/04/2012 06:06

Oh op, What a complete bastard! Let him have her, she can be welcome to his stuff addicted, shit in bed, emotionally abusive arse! Good riddance.

Have a massive hug from me - I'm up with a massive coughing fit, and just read your last post and wanted to come over and give you a massive hug. Xxxxx

TeaJunky · 29/04/2012 06:07

Drug addicted not stuff addicted

captainmummy · 29/04/2012 11:13

Ah! So there is an OW!

Original poster
loganberry12 · 29/04/2012 11:35

he still swears blind she's just a friend, he txt me earlier he says its rubbish the person who told me was someone he had a falling out with at work and has now left so now thinking maybe he's just trying to get back at him cos he lost his job over it all, am i being a fool or do you think this is a possibly, also spoke to his mother who said she'd given him £80 in the week when i asked him for some money for gas and electric before he went away he said he'd asked his mum and she couldnt lend him any

OP posts:
midwife99 · 29/04/2012 11:42

He is a liar through & through. Believe nothing he says ever again. Angry

Original poster
loganberry12 · 29/04/2012 11:43

midwife thanks been waiting for you to come on feel devastated :(

OP posts:
Tiago · 29/04/2012 11:44

Hes lying to you. Again.

Original poster
loganberry12 · 29/04/2012 11:45

:( :( :( dreading the next few weeks even hours got to get through though

OP posts:
midwife99 · 29/04/2012 11:51

Logan please take control of this situation - stop all contact except re DCs. So not let him in the house again. You can now manage your money properly without needing to take from MIL & survive from week to week. You can also start teaching DCs about healthy relationships & break the cycle. I know you're devastated but women are stronger than they think, esp after an abusive relationship. You really are better of without that twunt & will have the chance to have a good relationship with a decent man in the future.

threeleftfeet · 29/04/2012 12:22

if she's just a friend is she someone he's spoken about before to you? No, thought not.

This bit is so hard, but it will get better.

I remember being so angry when I found out my ex had had an affair. I have never been in a fight ever, I'm a pacifist FFS! But I went looking for her as I wanted to hurt her Blush.

Boy am I glad I didn't find her! How totally wrong that would have been. I can look back on that time now with my head held high. I didn't do anything wrong. Had we got into a fight or even a verbal confrontation it would have been ugly and I would have been seen as a nutter!

And do you know what - although i have zero respect for her, and never will have - actually she did me a favour - I'm so glad I'm shot of my ex now. I'm so much times better off without him. My DP now is lovely, and I am in control of my own life.

Your exH didn't treat you well at all. Once you get past this bit you will get to a point where you are glad to be rid of him, I promise.

You need a plan to get through these first weeks. Be kind to yourself.

Could you go visit a friend for a few days maybe, just to get away?

Original poster
loganberry12 · 29/04/2012 12:46

Going up my eldest sons today he is from my first marriage having dinner there and spending time with them , my 16 year old son refuses to believe he's seeing someone says its probably just a friend i dont know what to think only sadness

OP posts:
threeleftfeet · 29/04/2012 12:56

That sounds like a great idea.

I'd let your 16 year old believe that for the moment if he's not ready to take it all on board. He'll understand better when he's older.

How's he coping otherwise?

midwife99 · 29/04/2012 18:30

I think you need to avoid discussing the details of your break up with the DCs - it's impossible for them to feel comfortable with taking sides. Hope you have a nice evening honey.

Original poster
loganberry12 · 29/04/2012 19:28

my husbands last txt today to me" there is nothing going on its just an innocent friendship thats all. u accuse me daily of allsorts. ive had enough leave me alone do ur worse i loose out dont i." had a lovely dinner and nice time at my sons today as soon as i walked through the door it all smacked me straight in the face he's gone im alone and i miss him

OP posts:
Teaandcakeplease · 29/04/2012 19:44

I might join this thread, as opposed to your other one Loganberry.

The lies my ExH told to me when I challenged him about the affair were ridiculous. You need incontrovertible evidence. Do you have access to credit card statements or his phone bill or e-mail? He is unlikely to come clean, and it is hard to move on when you are unsure on what is the truth sometimes. Even though it hurts to uncover the full extent of it all, actually knowing did seem to help me at the time, despite the pain Sad

Teaandcakeplease · 29/04/2012 19:46

The book that is always recommended on mn is called Not Just Friends for a reason, as that is generally what they all say when challenged Angry