HELP My husband has left i dont know what to do, long thread but please read

[loganberry12]

My husband & i have been married for 7 years we have a 16 year old son and a 2 year old daughter together. Our relationship has been up and down from the start really he had a cannabis problem but gave it up a year ago after i threw him out and gave him an ultimatum his family or the drugs. We had a normal sex life up until i fell pregnant unplanned with our little girl who is now 2yrs 7 months old. He did not want me to keep her at first and would not talk to me for the first 3 weeks after i found out i was pregnant. He loves her to pieces now and she is a daddies girl. We have only had sex twice since her birth the last time being 2 years ago. I feel unloved and ugly and have told him this we argue a lot over it and he thinks theres nothing wrong in not being itimate. I feel sad and lonely and yearn for the man i married who could not keep his hands off me. Well to cut a long story short he left the other night almost 2 weeks now after i said things needed to change and i wasnt happy. he has been home twice to see the children but wont dicuss our relationship just said he's sick of me moaning, i really dont know what to do. Everyone i speak to says my marriage is over and to move on im so confused i cant sleep he doesnt seem bothered. sorry for the long thread

yes i suppose you think about the very few good times when your lonely dont you. I feel a little better today but dreading the evening its always the worst time for me when the kids are in bed. I start getting all upset and bombard him with txt questions which he never answers so makes me feel worse and paranoid. To top it all my daughter who is 22 is going through a rather bad time of it herself at the moment she was on the phone to me today crying so much, she's been prescribed anti-depressants she is going through a bad relationship where her boyfriend is away a lot lies to her a lot and shows no feelings and wont talk rings a few bells, how on earth can i give my beautiful daughter advice when im the way i am i feel such a failure in so many ways

You aren't a failure - you've just been saddled with a narcissist all these years & your DD has learnt that it's ok for men to treat women like that. You should both read Why Does He Do That - Inside The Minds of Angry & Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. It's invaluable & helps you see the truth about these men's behaviour frees you from feeling to blame.

i txt him last night at first he wouldnt answer me until i said i was coming to him to talk, he txt back dont cause a scene, i asked him did you leave me for someone else and is this final between us, he txt back no and dont know, im left in limbo. I know ive got to act as if it is final and get on with life and stop txting him its just hard. Also dreading whenhe comes to see kids as its sll so raw at the moment, he'll sir in our house for a couple of hours and i wont know what to do with myself. I cant go out cos it will be the kids tea time

He has left you so if he wants to see the kids, he has to take them out. Your home should be your own space - he made the choice so he has to live with it. All handovers should be on the door step and do not let him in the house.

Do you think he didn't want you to come over because he knows you will find him with someone else? Or realise he is telling you lies as his face and behaviour will give it away?

Don't let him in your house, he can be a McDonald's dad, it doesn't matter, he mustn't come in your house. If not for you for the kids, who will get confused.
Find something for you to do for yourself tonight, get some DVDs you really want to watch (ask friends to borrow or buy some cheap ones from Sainsburys). Paint your nails. Buy a bar of nice chocolate. Just plan a nice evening focussed on you.

Put your phone somewhere inaccessible so you don't text him. And have some time for yourself.

I think he is seeing someone else, sorry.

Also, if he really has to be in your house, let him sort out tea, even if its the chip shop, go out before he gets there.

Yes logan

Yes Logan what charbon says is very hard to hear but true. Break the cycle now. Take control of the situation. Your DCs deserve better. Read the Lundy Bancroft book, get angry, get strong. It has helped me alot.

If he is seeing someone else why does he say he isnt whats the point if he was to say i would know it was finally over because i would not take if back after that

Because it would be admitting you were right to suspect him, because it would make him look like the bad guy, because it would make him look weak, pathetic and selfish, because it means you would hold the balance of power and you can't be blamed for his decision to leave the relationship...there are lots more reasons, BUT what is important is that you start putting your own children first - find out what you entitled to financially and legally.

Take control now please.

ive told him to collect the kids twice a week from the front door and to get them tea also to have them one day over the weekend, ive also told him he's not coming in anymore. He just said ok

And believe me i wish i could be strong and hard like you lot but its just not in my nature

Well done, you've made a start.

I hope you have got real life friends and family that you can talk to - you will need their support.

I know how hard it is being strong - that is why you need real life support. He has been working on you for so long and it will take time - in the meantime, fake it when he's around.

You also need to start doing things for yourself to boost your self esteem and to help you feel better and stronger - do things like meet up with friends for coffee, have a hair cut, take up a new hobby and so on.

thanks madabouthotchoc but i havent really no one seems interested they all have their own problems they either say well i dont know what to say or your better off without him neither of which helps very much

Of course he's not going to admit it! Admit being selfish? Admit to doing wrong by you? Really, not!

Stop texting him, clinging onto him, pandering to him. It's over, whether he admits it or not. Assume he did have an affair. Assume he's the bad guy - it will help you move on. Get angry about it. You say you would not take him back once you know - you know! You might not have proof but you know. Thats good enough.

He's made his bed.

im having my nails done tomorrow and im going out on a hen night in a couple of Saturdays time, something i wouldn't have done if he'd been here because he would have just made comments like who you meeting and are you going be on the look out for another man etc so i wouldn't have bothered because of the aggro and id have had to be back by a certain time or he would have sulked no doubt. I havent been out alone for almost 5 years so im a little nervous as i dont really know the ladies im going with that well its a lady i know from a toddler group i go to so hope it will be ok, i really dont have much confidence these days

Sounds like you are well rid of him and that you have a new life of freedom to look forward to!

We only sound strong because we've mostly if not all been in your position & finally took action to take control & say NO MORE after in many cases years of fear & low self esteem. Eventually it became so intolerable that we had to end it, or the twonk finally found another victim. Take this chance love & change your & your kids' lives. I know I keep banging on about it but Lundy Bancroft is a life saver. Get the book 2nd hand from amazon or order it from the library. We are here to help you & support you. Others helped us when we needed it.

ive just claimed benefits so moving forward

Well done!

ive also rang child support to make a claim so he'll have to pay for his children

Go girl!!!

although i was on the phone for almost 2 hours and have a banging headache i feel empowered lol much more positive yay