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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me-I dont know what to do..

280 replies

FrightenedToDeath · 18/04/2012 19:29

V long back story. I am a regular to posts from tine to time,Ive changed my name to cover my tracks.

Been with H for nearly twenty years, two kids from previous marriage and three together. Our marriage has been rocky for the last 8 years and Ive questioned whether Im an EA victim. H liked to withhold money, love and affection. Never cared if I was ill. When we first got together he saw to it that I fell out with friends and would refuse to go to social occasions, putting me in an awkward situation.
Wjilst pregnant with my two year old, he started an affair, which continued until I found out (by reading his texts) since then he continues to work with OW, but claims affair is over, treats me like something he picked off his shoe and has re written history to blame me for everything thats gone wrong over the years.
It culminated in him dragging my by my hair down the hall a few weeks ago, saying he did it to stop me hurting myself which was rubbish, I was just sat in the hall crying.
Finally the other day, he threw me against the door frame and when I told him I would call the police, he let go, then followed me, taunting me saying "who do you think you f in well are" at this point I realised I needed to go

I told him I was leaving last night and he seemed quite calm, and said it was for the best. This morning he changed saying he was taking the kids and that I could rot in hell if I thought I was taking the kids. He has my grown up son who lives at home on side as he treats me no better having learnt it from his father. Terrified I agreed to stay, the thought of losing my children kills me, but I have looked on his phone and he has texted both my grown up children saying Im a nutter and unhinged and that he is going to come clean about how Ive treated HIM over the years!! He says in a text to my son that he is going to take the kids from me and now Im terrified as Im going to a refuge tomorrow and Im scared Im going to lose everything. Ive no support from my mum, no one to support me, I feel so scared and frightened and have no idea what to expect at the refuge

OP posts:
izzyizin · 18/04/2012 19:47

No-one is going to take your dc away and you have absolutely no need to feel scared and frightened, honey.

What you can expect at the refuge is a warm welcome from women who know exactly where you're coming from and who have the expertise to help you begin a new life away from this abusive man.

Does he know you're planning to leave tomorrow? If he tries to prevent you taking the dc with you, please don't hesitate to call the police.

neuroticmumof3 · 18/04/2012 19:55

I was so relieved to read you're going into a refuge. You will be safe and will receive care and support to help you through the next stages. You will not lose your children. You have been the main carer all their lives and the courts do not change the status quo without good reason (ie if you were a risk to your children). As it is, you have protected your DC by removing them from a dangerous and abusive household. Abusive men nearly always threaten to take the children away, it's a very effective control mechanism. You are being very brave by leaving and you are absolutely doing the right thing.

Original poster
FrightenedToDeath · 18/04/2012 19:55

no, he doesnt know, I was advised to pretend that Im not going. I am terrified, feel sick etc, my main fear is that he has poisoned my two grown up children against me and Im scared that my 11 year old son wont come with me. How long will I stay in the refuge? The thought of leaving all my belongings and cramping me and my three younger children into one room fills me with dread but not as much as another day here. My h has never been violent, his abuse has been more subtle, controlling etc. to everyone hes Mr Perfect.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 18/04/2012 19:57

I think your dc will surprise you and be relieved that they are no longer walking on eggshells.

Original poster
FrightenedToDeath · 18/04/2012 19:58

my support worker said this to, she said that its common to threaten to take the children. He said to me that I could go, but without the children, loving husbands dont say this do they??

OP posts:
izzyizin · 18/04/2012 20:02

Does your h work? If so, will he be leaving for work before your 11yr old goes to school?

Have you planned to make tomorrow seem like just another day - i.e will be you taking your older dc to school and collecting them at 3pm or thereabouts, or is your support worker going to be available to drive you all to the refuge?

squashedbanana · 18/04/2012 20:08

It is very common for husbands/partners to tell you that you can go but you're not taking the children. It is not what loving husbands do. He is trying to control you, he believes you won't leave without your children so it's a way of forcing you to stay.

When you leave make sure you have all your important papers and photos with you, don't forget driving licence, passports, birth certificates, bank statements, details of savings, papers to the house if you own it etc

Just take what you can carry and put it all in carrier bags, this is what a Women's Aid outreacher told me, it draws less attention.

DO NOT tell him you are leaving.

Your kids will probably be pleased to get away from him, I doubt you're 11 year old will want to stay

Stay strong brave lady!

FashionEaster · 18/04/2012 20:15

Am just so glad you and the children are getting out and leaving so that you all can be safe and that you life can begin. WA will help and guide you. MN are also an excellent source of support and advice. You are doing a GOOD and BRAVE thing.

Original poster
FrightenedToDeath · 18/04/2012 20:20

sorry my posts are brief, am posting while he is out of the room, my 21 year old daughter has told me she wants nothing more to do with me and h has asked my grown up son to spy on me. he has gone to the shop and taken my 11 year old son with him, Im worried sick he wont come back. My mother has said she wont support me as she disagrees and says its not abuse and that I should tolerate it for the kids sake. He leaves tomorrow at 6 am to go to work.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrightenedToDeath · 18/04/2012 20:23

also a few weeks ago my 11 year told my mum that he didnt want us to live with his dad anymore, he loves him but all of the children are existing in a horrible atmosphere, my two year old has never known anything other than shouting and crying. He is horrible to her, shouts at her and said that he swore she was sent to ruin his life

OP posts:
Original poster
FrightenedToDeath · 18/04/2012 20:25

Ive been advised to grab all important things like family pics, documents etc,I run my own business from home and Im worried sick my business will go down the pan as I cant take much with me, Im going to get together all the things that the kids are attached to like books, my sons x box etc

OP posts:
ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 18/04/2012 20:27

I have no experience of this so no advice. Just wanted to say stay strong, you are absolutely doing the right thing.
As with most situations, you have to think about the advice you'd give your sister or best friend, then apply it to yourself.

PurplePidjin · 18/04/2012 20:28

If he even breathes at you funny, dial 999. Do you have a nice neighbour to run to if necessary? I don't know any of my neighbour's particularly well but would keep them safe in a heartbeat if they turned up saying their partner was being violent and I'd even condone dp getting heavy

Stay strong Thanks

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 18/04/2012 20:31

That's nice Pidjin. I would too, even though I don't know them very well.
So there you go Frightened, it's likely your neighbours will take you in if you need it.

primrose22 · 18/04/2012 20:32

Can you say where you are? I'd be happy to help you pack and gather all important documents once he's gone tomorrow. You are amazingly brave and life can only get better for you and your dcs. Are you ok posting on your phone? Do clear the history just in case! xx

coffeewhitenosugar · 18/04/2012 20:32

Just wanted to echo squashedbanana and say stay strong brave lady, you are definitely doing the right thing, i will be thinking of you tomorrow morning. [big hug]

Magneto · 18/04/2012 20:32

Be careful he doesn't notice you getting all that stuff together. Remember things are just things, the kids won't miss them as much as you might think they will.

Good luck x

molliec · 18/04/2012 20:37

Dont bother with even trying to pack clothes. These can always be replaced at a later date. The refuge will help. A small bag with photos and passports is enough. Stuff that cannot ever be replaced. This will also attract less attention.

Bohica · 18/04/2012 20:37

You must stay strong, you only have one night left and he will not be able to take your children away from you.

Will you send the DC to school in the morning?

Good luck x

curiositykitten · 18/04/2012 20:42

You are completely doing the right thing. Do you have a friend or neighbour that can help you tomorrow?
Trust me, after tomorrow when they find out exactly what your husband is like, your older children will not side with him. Please don't worry about that.

We are here for you, please keep us updated as and when you can x

MissFaversham · 18/04/2012 20:44

Sending lots of supportive hugs and love to you, if your near West London OP I'll help you too in any way I can, just say the word or PM me (this also goes to any other woman in my area who is reading by the way) you are not alone. xx

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 18/04/2012 20:47

And I'm in W Yorkshire if I can help at all.

thefudgeling · 18/04/2012 20:53

Coulodn't read this and not post. You are so brave and I wish you all the best for the future with your lovely children x

cobwebthegrey · 18/04/2012 20:56

You are doing absolutely the right thing, and I think you are very brave to take this step. You say that he has never been violent to you, but dragging you by your hair, slamming you into doors, that is very definitely DV!! your children will want to be with you, the sane one, and your adult children may feel the way they do now, but time will out this man to them, and they'll be back.

I'm wishing you the very best of luck.

Original poster
FrightenedToDeath · 18/04/2012 20:56

thanks all,am ppsting on pc.have to go, back later

OP posts: