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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me-I dont know what to do..

280 replies

FrightenedToDeath · 18/04/2012 19:29

V long back story. I am a regular to posts from tine to time,Ive changed my name to cover my tracks.

Been with H for nearly twenty years, two kids from previous marriage and three together. Our marriage has been rocky for the last 8 years and Ive questioned whether Im an EA victim. H liked to withhold money, love and affection. Never cared if I was ill. When we first got together he saw to it that I fell out with friends and would refuse to go to social occasions, putting me in an awkward situation.
Wjilst pregnant with my two year old, he started an affair, which continued until I found out (by reading his texts) since then he continues to work with OW, but claims affair is over, treats me like something he picked off his shoe and has re written history to blame me for everything thats gone wrong over the years.
It culminated in him dragging my by my hair down the hall a few weeks ago, saying he did it to stop me hurting myself which was rubbish, I was just sat in the hall crying.
Finally the other day, he threw me against the door frame and when I told him I would call the police, he let go, then followed me, taunting me saying "who do you think you f in well are" at this point I realised I needed to go

I told him I was leaving last night and he seemed quite calm, and said it was for the best. This morning he changed saying he was taking the kids and that I could rot in hell if I thought I was taking the kids. He has my grown up son who lives at home on side as he treats me no better having learnt it from his father. Terrified I agreed to stay, the thought of losing my children kills me, but I have looked on his phone and he has texted both my grown up children saying Im a nutter and unhinged and that he is going to come clean about how Ive treated HIM over the years!! He says in a text to my son that he is going to take the kids from me and now Im terrified as Im going to a refuge tomorrow and Im scared Im going to lose everything. Ive no support from my mum, no one to support me, I feel so scared and frightened and have no idea what to expect at the refuge

OP posts:
sugarice · 19/04/2012 14:46

Hope all goes well for you and your children, keep believing in yourself and stay determined.

Original poster
FrightenedToDeath · 19/04/2012 14:57

Thanks all, God knows how Im going to keep up the act, but I will.I have told no one apart from virtual friends as I cannot take the risk of someone well meaning letting it slip, DM told grown up son I was planning to leave, who of course told H, my mums response was that she thought if H knew, it would shock him into changing, sigh Hmm

OP posts:
ListenToYourHeart · 19/04/2012 15:16

Hope everything goes to plan for you and your children, stay strong Smile

cestlavielife · 19/04/2012 15:20

well done is good plan.
however keep a bag packed with essentials and money so if you do need to leave sooner you can.

he may get wind...

i had a moving date with rented place but had to bring it forward as ex got agrressive. as he found evidence i was leaving.

any any more violence against you leave the building and call police straight away 999

TheHappyHissy · 19/04/2012 15:53

Another one thinking of you and wishing I was nearer. A planned exit is best, for you for now and for your business. You can even get your post redirected!

You need to recognise in which camp your mother is... and that is that she is NOT a friend. Far from it. But we'll talk about that when you are out.

I'm willing you on from all the way down here (South) stay strong, this is really important, we are all here for you.

Original poster
FrightenedToDeath · 19/04/2012 16:33

Hissy, yes sadly Ive realised a long time ago that DM is narcissitic herself and only cares what the neighbours think, I dont trust her one bit, as she is two faced and also to some extent so is my adult daughter, I want away from them all. Its been suggested that I move nearer to DM for support but have had to explain that support is unlikely as she thinks Im making everything up.

OP posts:
TheHappyHissy · 19/04/2012 17:48

Pah! My mother is moving this year and wants me to move with her (not live with her) but in the region. DSis lives there too.

After the vanishing act she did when Abusive Ex left (naffed off to NZ with DSis in a trip planned for MONTHS, but never communicated to me until a couple of weeks before they were going), I'd not go to the foot of our stairs!

Added to that the revelation from DSis that she'd got my texts saying i was down, but she deliberately chose to ignore them, that she wasn't busy as I had given her credit for, that she KNEW I needed comfort, but that she refused to give it to me, repeatedly. All i needed was a reply... Sis was in USA, I was in Egypt. I didn't even need her to mean it.... :(

Oh no, I'd not put so much as a Litre of fuel in my car to go see them let alone move to be with people that KNEW I might need help, but made DAMNED sure they refused me it. And then made doubly damned sure that i KNEW they had ignored me.

My support is HERE. MN. My support is FB, with some of the girls I came to know from the Emotional Abuse Support thread. My support is my DV support group on a Tuesday, my therapist on a Thursday. I don't discuss my issues with my family, they would only try to further sabotage me.

I'm just biding my time until my mother moves, then I will get on with my life.

You can do this on your own. you have the refuge people to help you, and sounds like they are brilliant, carry on with the plans, don't panic, keep calm, strong and resolute.

These next few days/weeks are the most significant in your life so far! So much hinges on it all. Don't give up, don't back down. You can do this. We're all here for you, if you need anything? Just shout?

((HUGS)))

boringnickname · 19/04/2012 17:52

Oh love, i dont have anything to add im afraid, but here Thanks

This is awful now, but it will get better - so sorry you wasted so much time on this bastard

JuliaScurr · 19/04/2012 18:12

Sending you best wishes Brew
there's always support for you on here

MushroomSoup · 19/04/2012 18:40

Sending you love, strength and, eventually, peace and happiness

Original poster
FrightenedToDeath · 19/04/2012 20:35

thanks all, the wait until my first appt next week seems ages away

OP posts:
Original poster
FrightenedToDeath · 19/04/2012 22:10

Hissy, my mother is very similiar, completely wrapped up in herself etc, she doesnt seem at all concerned with my happiness at all

OP posts:
Original poster
FrightenedToDeath · 20/04/2012 23:53

just thought Id log in and say that the roller coaster continues, today he is being niceHmm Roll on Monday when I see my outreach worker and homeless options on Tuesday

OP posts:
Teaandcakeplease · 21/04/2012 07:16

Wish I could give you a squeeze FTD.

ParsleyTheLioness · 21/04/2012 07:22

Good luck on Monday x

TheHappyHissy · 21/04/2012 08:47

Not long to go now, only the weekend to get through.

The nice phase is part of the circle of abuse. You know it'll come to an end in no time at all.

StAy focused! (((hug)))

Joolyjoolyjoo · 21/04/2012 08:54

Another one rooting for you. You are doing brilliantly!

struwelpeter · 21/04/2012 09:00

Keep busy over the weekend, do nice things with the dcs if possible. Nip in and out to the shops or whatever and use that to deposit stuff in your safe place - i.e. a few bits and pieces stuffed into your bag.
When you feel tense, find a means of walking away just to do some minor job or go to the loo. Breath consciously to calm yourself and Bach's rescue remedy can help. Or feign illness - a bad headache or whatever.
Wishing you well for Monday

Original poster
FrightenedToDeath · 21/04/2012 22:06

It makes you falter when they are being nice, this evening he has cooked tea, fussed round me but I keep remembering how he stood over me on tuesday taunting me Sad

OP posts:
MissGreatBritain · 21/04/2012 22:14

I don't have anything constructive to add, but just wanted to say I hope you can stay strong and get yourselves out of there. He sounds awful - not least because he's horrible one minute and lovely the next. Wishing you lots of love and support - I think you're incredibly brave to break away xx

horsetowater · 21/04/2012 22:22

Of course he's cooking you tea, he is trying to keep you. But that's all.

If I'd dragged the person that I needed most down the hall by the hair I'd be cooking them tea too.

What a twat. Keep your cool and stay safe x

Dee34 · 21/04/2012 22:43

Just to add to all the positive messages - well done and keep going. You are doing brilliantly. Sending you hugs and support Thanks

carernotasaint · 21/04/2012 23:11

Ive only just caught this thread. You are being really really brave frightened.
Dont let his sudden phase of niceness fool you. Stay strong. Cant believe your own mother told them what you had planned. Cow. Hope she doesnt come to you expecting her arse wiped when shes old cos i know what my answer would be.

NettleTea · 21/04/2012 23:14

Take the niceness as a respite, but keep on with your plan.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/04/2012 23:23

I've held my breath reading this thread, FrightenedToDeath and Sassy. :(

I haven't any experience of this but I'm willing for this to go well for you, FTD... just hang on, a few more days and you'll be that much nearer escape. Truly thinking of you.

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