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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me-I dont know what to do..

280 replies

FrightenedToDeath · 18/04/2012 19:29

V long back story. I am a regular to posts from tine to time,Ive changed my name to cover my tracks.

Been with H for nearly twenty years, two kids from previous marriage and three together. Our marriage has been rocky for the last 8 years and Ive questioned whether Im an EA victim. H liked to withhold money, love and affection. Never cared if I was ill. When we first got together he saw to it that I fell out with friends and would refuse to go to social occasions, putting me in an awkward situation.
Wjilst pregnant with my two year old, he started an affair, which continued until I found out (by reading his texts) since then he continues to work with OW, but claims affair is over, treats me like something he picked off his shoe and has re written history to blame me for everything thats gone wrong over the years.
It culminated in him dragging my by my hair down the hall a few weeks ago, saying he did it to stop me hurting myself which was rubbish, I was just sat in the hall crying.
Finally the other day, he threw me against the door frame and when I told him I would call the police, he let go, then followed me, taunting me saying "who do you think you f in well are" at this point I realised I needed to go

I told him I was leaving last night and he seemed quite calm, and said it was for the best. This morning he changed saying he was taking the kids and that I could rot in hell if I thought I was taking the kids. He has my grown up son who lives at home on side as he treats me no better having learnt it from his father. Terrified I agreed to stay, the thought of losing my children kills me, but I have looked on his phone and he has texted both my grown up children saying Im a nutter and unhinged and that he is going to come clean about how Ive treated HIM over the years!! He says in a text to my son that he is going to take the kids from me and now Im terrified as Im going to a refuge tomorrow and Im scared Im going to lose everything. Ive no support from my mum, no one to support me, I feel so scared and frightened and have no idea what to expect at the refuge

OP posts:
kbjb · 22/04/2012 00:14

Hello

Just wanted to say best of luck and do make sure you stay strong. Leaving sounds like it is for the best. Just try and erase the awful things he's said and done to from your mind.

I really feel for you and hope you find a better life away from him x

Original poster
FrightenedToDeath · 22/04/2012 22:55

thanks all..Im still here, clinging on, have been to visit a friend today and it was much needed respite, he wanted to know where I was going and insisted I left my 11 year old son behind, Insurance I guess, my mother despite everything I told her, rang me this morning to ask if I had "calmed down" WTFHmm

OP posts:
horsetowater · 22/04/2012 23:05

Keep cool, no matter about what he did today, let it go. Roll on Tuesday, don't let on to him one bit for now, everything is just as normal as it ever was. Wink

sassy34264 · 23/04/2012 09:00

sending you good luck/best wishes vibes.
hope everything goes to plan today and tomorrow.
you're nearly there. glad you will be doing it while he is at work, if he is insisting on you keeping the 11 year old with him.

just remember the SAS motto- never leave a man behind. Not sure how many under 16's you have but make sure you have them all out of his clutches.

will be thinking of you. x

Original poster
FrightenedToDeath · 23/04/2012 09:52

thanks Sassy, I have an 18 year old son, but he is firmly on h's side

OP posts:
sugarice · 23/04/2012 10:13

Good luck, stay strong and determined. Thinking of you and your dc.

sassy34264 · 23/04/2012 10:54

18 yr olds think they know everything, by the time he's 20, im sure he'll think differently. he will come back to you im sure.
anyway, he doesnt need you like the younger ones do. they should come 1st for now. dont let older children sway you- my work is with 16-18yr olds. they are very sure they are right and have the answer to everything. my oldest is 11 and although she doesnt think she has the answers yet, she doesnt think her OLD mum knows a thing.

im 37 Shock

molliec · 23/04/2012 12:06

Remember to take credit cards and debit cards to get as much cash out as possible. You will need it and he may freeze or empty any accounts. If you have joint credit cards ,get maximum from the cash point and then shut them down as this will stop him running up debts in your name.

Original poster
FrightenedToDeath · 23/04/2012 15:21

no worries there, we dont have joint accounts.

Today he has come home from work because Im ill, he has cried and said he doesnt want to accept our marriage is over, he said his life isnt worth living without the children (not me I add), he then planted the seed of fear in me again that he will take the children

OP posts:
sugarice · 23/04/2012 15:23

Stay strong and don't rise to his attempts to scare you.Thinking of you x

sassy34264 · 23/04/2012 15:35

frightened dont internalise anything he says- it means nothing and definately ignore the tears.
just act normal, react however you would normally and dont do anything to make him suspicious or angry with you.

TheHappyHissy · 23/04/2012 15:54

He's following the script.

Stay strong, stay focussed. Stay Calm.

he is going through the motions of the steps they ALL take to get you back on side.

You have to follow the script NOT to get sucked back in.

He will get nasty again next. Be ready. Stay Calm.

FWIW, I don't think for a second that he will harm himself, if he were going to do it, he'd not talk about it.

If he were going to kill himself... he couldn't do that AND snatch the kids could he? Think about it.

He's just panicking and saying anything to get you to panic. Don't. Stay Calm.

However, you can use this info to your advantage, to spur you on to do what you must do.

i.e. - If he snatched the kids, and really was going to harm himself...there is the horrific potential for a disaster... which means you have to stay calm now, don't panic, stay focussed on your goal of getting out and to freedom. You can tell people that he threatened to kill himself and that he made threats wrt the kids.

He won't snatch the DC, cos you are going to get out, and YOU will put in orders to make sure he doesn't. You have to follow through with this.

Stay Calm. You are almost there.

Original poster
FrightenedToDeath · 23/04/2012 17:12

I dont worry about him harming himself,but Im frightened he will take the children, thats my main fear. As I speak he is fussing round me like nothing happened, this is an act..yes? it wont last will itSad

OP posts:
kbjb · 23/04/2012 17:18

Sounds like an act and from what you've said nothing will change if you stay there. A leopard doesn't change it's spots. You mentioned he was a respected member of the community and I know many men like that. Men like that cry tears over what the community will think of them, not for you and how much they want you to stay.

TheHappyHissy · 23/04/2012 17:19

It's an act. yes.

he knows your worst fear, that's why he said it.

Would a man that cared for you tell you what you fear most?

NO.

Stay focussed.

kbjb · 23/04/2012 17:24

Also just to add, you said it makes you falter when he's nice. If someone loves and dotes on you they are nice all the time and not just after they've abused you.

A relative of mine was in a relationship which was just a dead end. She did everything she could to please him and just suffered abuse and neglect as a result. The elders in the family told her to stick stick with it and harped on about how he was such a respected man from a good family and what would people say (just for background info it was an Asian family and community and respect means a lot) and she couldn't leave. At the end of the day she could not carry on and left. Granted it was hard, very hard BUT she is a better person for it and can actually smile and laugh now unlike before.

Don't let words from your Mum and others cloud your judgement. Do what you know will work for you. Everyone deserves to be happy in life, just keep telling yourself that x

Stepmum395 · 23/04/2012 17:41

Please get out of there the next time he leaves the house. It will be taking him all of his effort to be so nice and so you can expect an explosion pretty soon. Grab your essentials and important documents and run. Never question whether you are doing the right thing. You are.

Good luck.

droves · 23/04/2012 18:10

Tell your son your all going for a day out .... Just don't go back afterwards ..go somewhere safe instead .

Post documents to a friends house if you can , bit by bit .

Save as much money as you can , and hide it somewhere he can't find it .

Plan as much as you can ...even if it takes weeks to get an oppertunity to leave ...if you know where your going it will be easier.

Do not listen to your mum . She seems very old fashioned in her views . Back in the bad old days women were expected to put up with all kinds of shit from men , so that the children could grow up in a marriage . No one thinks that's a good idea anymore. Your H IS abusive ...it doesn't matter that he doesn't hit ...it's still abuse.

If you end up near Edinburgh , I'd help you in a heartbeat .

Let me tell you one thing I know to be true ....when an abusive man gets wind of his victim is going to leave he either gets violent or manipulative until he has her back under his control . Remember he will be doing that , and stay strong . You will get your freedom and happiness back .

droves · 23/04/2012 18:13

Actually can you phone his doctor and tell them Your H is threatening to harm himself ? ...they should keep record of it ...and it might stop him using that excuse if he finds it ends with him under the mental health team.

Original poster
FrightenedToDeath · 23/04/2012 20:05

thanks again for all your amazing advice, I am actually really ill today and I think its stress, DD has a high temp and is really poorly, what am I going to do about getting to my appt with the housing team tomorrow, I cant take her as shes really poorly and if I do, she will tell H where we wentSad

OP posts:
Original poster
FrightenedToDeath · 23/04/2012 20:06

I do have friends but they are aquaintences who dont really bother with me unless they want somjething, because I work weekends etc it doesnt leave much time for a social life, so I have no one to call on.

OP posts:
FashionEaster · 23/04/2012 20:17

Dose dd really well tonight. What time is your appt and does dd go to school?

Original poster
FrightenedToDeath · 23/04/2012 20:23

DD is nearly 8

OP posts:
FashionEaster · 23/04/2012 21:05

I just wondered if you dose her well so her temp comes down and you can send her to school and if you have an early appt with the housing team you can get away with it? Don't normally advocate it but wondered if it was feasible? Otherwise, just ring and rearrange, it's just one of those things.

Original poster
FrightenedToDeath · 23/04/2012 22:15

Appt is in the afternoon, going to dose her up well and keep fingrs crossed, I must get to this apptSad

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