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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me-I dont know what to do..

280 replies

FrightenedToDeath · 18/04/2012 19:29

V long back story. I am a regular to posts from tine to time,Ive changed my name to cover my tracks.

Been with H for nearly twenty years, two kids from previous marriage and three together. Our marriage has been rocky for the last 8 years and Ive questioned whether Im an EA victim. H liked to withhold money, love and affection. Never cared if I was ill. When we first got together he saw to it that I fell out with friends and would refuse to go to social occasions, putting me in an awkward situation.
Wjilst pregnant with my two year old, he started an affair, which continued until I found out (by reading his texts) since then he continues to work with OW, but claims affair is over, treats me like something he picked off his shoe and has re written history to blame me for everything thats gone wrong over the years.
It culminated in him dragging my by my hair down the hall a few weeks ago, saying he did it to stop me hurting myself which was rubbish, I was just sat in the hall crying.
Finally the other day, he threw me against the door frame and when I told him I would call the police, he let go, then followed me, taunting me saying "who do you think you f in well are" at this point I realised I needed to go

I told him I was leaving last night and he seemed quite calm, and said it was for the best. This morning he changed saying he was taking the kids and that I could rot in hell if I thought I was taking the kids. He has my grown up son who lives at home on side as he treats me no better having learnt it from his father. Terrified I agreed to stay, the thought of losing my children kills me, but I have looked on his phone and he has texted both my grown up children saying Im a nutter and unhinged and that he is going to come clean about how Ive treated HIM over the years!! He says in a text to my son that he is going to take the kids from me and now Im terrified as Im going to a refuge tomorrow and Im scared Im going to lose everything. Ive no support from my mum, no one to support me, I feel so scared and frightened and have no idea what to expect at the refuge

OP posts:
sugarice · 25/04/2012 17:54

If you're living on your nerves and frightened don't you feel you should be in a place of safety with your dc's?. How's dd's tonsils, is she well enough for some upheaval if you decide to go sooner than planned.

sugarice · 25/04/2012 19:05

I'm sure someone with more experience will be along soon to advise you. Stay calm and keep posting xx.

keepcalmandeatcupcakes · 25/04/2012 19:18

Could you not ring your HO lady and tell her you need to leave asap? His behaviour sounds dangerous, and that you might need to leave sooner than you think in case he tries anything on. If you can't get hold of WA , have you tried their main line??

Original poster
FrightenedToDeath · 25/04/2012 19:57

Thanks all, Ive been to see a house today which is far from perfect, very tiny etc but its a pleasant enough house, my main problem will be DS2 who has aspergers and who will be difficult to persuade to move. Sadly the house is not going to be ready until the third week of May. I have spoken to the main helpline at WA and they tell me that I would be looking at a refuge anywhere in the country, I really wanted to avoid that if possible, told DM and her response was "well I think it would be very selfish of you to do that, how would we collect the children to take them on holiday next week??" Hmm

OP posts:
horsetowater · 25/04/2012 21:03

Oh dear. DM is really not getting it is she.

From what I've read on here, refuges are useful because there is a lot of other support and you will get to speak and share with other women in your situation. It's also a halfway house that will give you time to find out what you really want to do next.

If there's a house ready in a few weeks, that's not so bad - but would you want to spend the time at home under pressure or in a refuge with support? I think the security and safety of a refuge would be better for you and DS.

TheHappyHissy · 25/04/2012 21:42

As you will see, our parents have much more than a bit part in the eventual abusive situation we find ourselves in. :(

ignore your mother, do what you have to do. The DC don't need to go with them.

For some reason (I haven't worked it out yet, but I bloody well will) our parents have a vested interest in some way in us being in crappy situations. They should be moving heaven and earth to see us happy, but they don't, they put barriers up, make excuses for, and in some cases tell us to suck it up and retunr to our abusers.

When we see their less than supportive response, time to reecognise them as part of the chaos, and NOT part of any solution.

Original poster
FrightenedToDeath · 25/04/2012 22:41

Horsetowater-Im seriously considering a refuge now,Im so stressed,my contact at the local refuge hasnt been in touch today despite promising she would in order to organise a solicitors appt,I feel very aloneSad

OP posts:
horsetowater · 25/04/2012 22:53

You're not alone you've got us. Can you call the refuge now?

Original poster
FrightenedToDeath · 25/04/2012 23:27

nope, H is here, I will have to wait until he goes to work tomorrow, Ive been told I could be placed in a refuge anywhere in the UK which worries meSad

OP posts:
horsetowater · 25/04/2012 23:42

The refuge will be supportive and safe. It will also be temporary, and you will be able to get back home as soon as your home has been made safe and he has backed off. They will have lots of advice and resources to help you sort yourself out. Don't worry about where you get sent, it's not important for now.

Take a look at the link mentioned by Timeforme above.

Original poster
FrightenedToDeath · 26/04/2012 10:09

Thank you. Sadly I wont be able to come back here, my tenancy is property managed and the management company have a strict no DSS policy. A few months ago I tentaively enquired directly with the LL what the situation would be if I were to claim LHA and he said that sadly I couldnt stay here as he only rented to working people. Also the house is £700 a month and I would only be entitled to £550 a month so its out of the question anyway as I couldnt afford it, so I must leave. Today I feel so confused as he is being utterly nice as pie, but I know it wont last. I could take the house 6 miles away I guess(but its not ready for a month) but DS2 would refuse to come which means Id have to leave him with H Sad

OP posts:
sugarice · 26/04/2012 11:52

Don't fall for his nice guy act, he'll turn when it suits him. Without me reading back through how old is ds2?

horsetowater · 26/04/2012 13:42

I think DS2 has Aspergers, is he the 11 year old?

sugarice · 26/04/2012 20:30

How are things tonight?

Original poster
FrightenedToDeath · 27/04/2012 11:37

DS2 is 11 and yes he has aspergers. H was unbearable last night, told me that he didnt love me anymore but that he didnt want his children growing up in a broken home so he "refuses" to let me leave. He thinks that our current situation of living as seperate beings in the house can work, he has suggested converting the conservatory into a bedroom for him! Yesterday, in desperation, I decided to take the house I had seen 6 miles away, but theres a but, LL needs to carry out a credit check, I have debt problems so thats my chances of moving into private rented scuppered

OP posts:
Olympia2012 · 27/04/2012 11:43

Go to a refuge and apply to local authority as 'homeless' as that's what you will be

You go to top of social housing list. You will be housed fairly quickly

sugarice · 27/04/2012 12:02

Can you call your contact at the Refuge and get advice today. Is he home all weekend?

Original poster
FrightenedToDeath · 27/04/2012 13:23

He is home all weekend, I just feel totally defeated, Im so desperate I have phoned the LL of this particular property as advised by HO, they seem less than keen to have me on the social housing list tbh, LL said sorry but he didnt want people with bad credit history as he didnt want bailiffs etc at his property, I explained that Im on a payment arrangement with my creditors but he didnt seem interested, told me he could let that house in a heart beatSad

OP posts:
Original poster
FrightenedToDeath · 27/04/2012 13:25

Happy Hissy, my DC have been looking forward to this holiday, they are going to Florida, I wouldnt want to spoil that for them

OP posts:
TimeForMeAndDD · 27/04/2012 14:48

Op, you aren't defeated. You have an option that will get you out of this situation almost immediately and on the way to getting a house of your own. That is to go into a refuge.

Olympia2012 · 27/04/2012 16:38

Why are you trying to get private rents? Half can't take HB tenants anyway due to mortgage insurance forbidding it.

izzyizin · 27/04/2012 16:43

When are your dc going to Florida? Are all 3 going and are you going with them?

horsetowater · 27/04/2012 17:05

Call the refuge - just say you're going out to the shops with DS. You don't need to take anything, they will have stuff there and they can remove him from the property with a court order (residency / occupation) fairly quickly - they can do it within days if it's an emergency. The refuge will give you support to get the legal help with it. You will also get support for DS - he should be with you IMO, because he is vulnerable and will need you to explain what's happening.

Original poster
FrightenedToDeath · 27/04/2012 22:42

DC are going to Florida, but youngest dd isnt. I am not going. Olympia, the homeless options team get you to apply for private rents because there is such a severe lack of social housing round here.I have to specifically apply to LL's that take the bond scheme and also LHA, they are few and far between, Im desperate to go but Ive also been told that if there is no refuge space available I will have to go into a homeless hostel which sounds horrificSad I am terrified about losing my business I have spent 6 years building up, the homeless options team seem to be actively discouraging me against applying for social housing

OP posts:
Original poster
FrightenedToDeath · 27/04/2012 22:43

The other problem is that if I go to refuge before said holiday DM has threatened to bill me for the several thousands pounds she will lose

OP posts: