Please help me-I dont know what to do..

[FrightenedToDeath]

V long back story. I am a regular to posts from tine to time,Ive changed my name to cover my tracks.

Been with H for nearly twenty years, two kids from previous marriage and three together. Our marriage has been rocky for the last 8 years and Ive questioned whether Im an EA victim. H liked to withhold money, love and affection. Never cared if I was ill. When we first got together he saw to it that I fell out with friends and would refuse to go to social occasions, putting me in an awkward situation.
Wjilst pregnant with my two year old, he started an affair, which continued until I found out (by reading his texts) since then he continues to work with OW, but claims affair is over, treats me like something he picked off his shoe and has re written history to blame me for everything thats gone wrong over the years.
It culminated in him dragging my by my hair down the hall a few weeks ago, saying he did it to stop me hurting myself which was rubbish, I was just sat in the hall crying.
Finally the other day, he threw me against the door frame and when I told him I would call the police, he let go, then followed me, taunting me saying "who do you think you f in well are" at this point I realised I needed to go

I told him I was leaving last night and he seemed quite calm, and said it was for the best. This morning he changed saying he was taking the kids and that I could rot in hell if I thought I was taking the kids. He has my grown up son who lives at home on side as he treats me no better having learnt it from his father. Terrified I agreed to stay, the thought of losing my children kills me, but I have looked on his phone and he has texted both my grown up children saying Im a nutter and unhinged and that he is going to come clean about how Ive treated HIM over the years!! He says in a text to my son that he is going to take the kids from me and now Im terrified as Im going to a refuge tomorrow and Im scared Im going to lose everything. Ive no support from my mum, no one to support me, I feel so scared and frightened and have no idea what to expect at the refuge

You are absolutely doing the right thing. I will be thinking of you in the morning.

Stay strong, we are all with you every step of the way.

I'm in North East if you're up this way and need any help. Maybe best not to say where you are based on this thread though incase it outs you - if you're nearby any of us then a pm would probably be safer.

Good luck xx

Just to say you are doing exactly the right thing. You may feel your eldest children and your mum are lost to you at the minute, but they will be lost whether you stay or go. If you go, you save yourself AND your younger DCs. And there is a chance that you may reconcile with the oldest 2 further down the line.

Be strong. ALL the material stuff can be replaced. You built a business once, you can do it again.
When you waver, look over your shoulder and see us all standing there xx

Thank you all-Im quite far from most of you, Im in the North West, I am at home and H is acting as if everything is fine

Hello, how's it going? Have you managed to get together all the important papers, baby photos of your DC etc. You're nearly there, Lovey, then you won't need ot be frightenedtodeath ever again. Thinking of you.

I cant do it yet, he is watching like a hawk, will do tomorrow when he has gone to work

Ok, don't do anything now if you're not comfortable. Just run through where everything is kept in your head so you can lay hands on it easily in the morning. It's late, would now be a normal time for you to go to bed?

Where in the North West? I'm here, too.

not far from chester

Sorry frightened was not sending you to bed! Just thinking the sooner you lie down and close you eyes the sooner it will be morning and you can start afresh.

Am sorry am not closer to you geographically but am totally rooting for you. Try and get some sleep poppet, easier said than done I know, but a more rested you will feel more prepared to face the day. Remember you are taking steps to give you and your little dcs a better life.

I know that ultimately its the right thing, but not sure they will think that when taken away from home , away from everything familiar and made to share a room together with me . my 11 year old son is going to really struggle with it, my husband is also well known and respected locally which makes things difficult too

Oh lovey just read your thread. You are doing the right thing. Hope you're packing and on your way to the refuge. Are you OK?

i left my violent partner too. i packed all our daughters clothes in a bag, but hung up all her old clothes that were too small for her. i put the bag behind the couch and arranged a day for my mum to be around the corner. i dropped the bag out of the front window and put dd1 in her pram and shouted upstairs that i was going to the shop for nappies. i grabbed the bag on the way past and walked as calmly as i could in case he was looking out the window.
i didnt think to take photos and he wont give them to me. so i have only a few baby pics
im north west too. pm me if you want to. hope you are ok?

Frightened I hope we hear from you soon with good news.

sassy your post has made me feel nauseous, you must have been shit scared when you were about to go and when you actually left that house! Well done you (and may I add that your children are gorgeous!)

Frightened you can do it too!

Frightened, I hope you're out! I've done this too, and it is terrifying, but it is so, so worth doing.

Sassy, I don't have wedding pics or baby pics either, although I think my parents have some. Lots of lots of post-separation photos of me doing happy things with dd, though!

jokat thank you. had another dd(3) 6 months ago and she's not on, but she's just as gorgeous!

nametaken luckily i left when dd1 was 1yr so i have over 10yrs worth of post relationship photos. i do get sad when i think about all the baby pics i dont have, but as my mum said, i got the most important thing. and frightened will too.

Ok, there has been a drastic change in plan, the refuge is local and my support worker(not sure what to call her) says she feels there is a real safety issue if they house me there as they feel that H may follow me back from the school run or would be quick to find out where I had gone. They dont like to house people in refuge within 10 miles of their home address. She has told me to hang fire while they look for a refuge place further afield, but it would mean moving DC;s from school etc but..in the meantime I have appt with a solicitor organised by her for monday to get a residency order and an appt with the homeless options team on tuesday. They are going to try and get me out into rental accomodation asap. She said once residency order is in place, they can act if he takes the kids. In the meantime I have to start squirreling things out of the house, important docs, photos etc, anything legal and with sentimental value. I am going to organise a storage unit and migrate all my business stuff there. She has advised me to play happy families and act like everything is fine as she said he will happily think that he has won as I havent gone anywhere. I feel sick and have lost half a stone. I feel frightened to and feel I must not let the act slip for one minute. I have my support workers number and also the helpline number she said I must ring if I feel in danger and they will get me out straight away. She has advised I dont tell anyone not even my mum, my plans and on moving day, go while he is at work. I wish I could have gone today but she has said she feels it may be a safety issue, also to the other women there

It's really scary, but I'm so glad that you have a support worker who is helping you put together a good plan. This bit is hard - you are being so brave (although I know you probably don't feel that way right now). Will be thinking of you throughout this weekend. You can get through this!

oh frightened that's so shit. i know your support worker has an obligation to the other women too, but it's a bloody awful thing to suggest someone play happy families for the time being.
i did it for weeks knowing i was going and it really puts stress on your nerves. i had a stutter at the end. its gone now obviously, but i can still get the shakes and nervous in new situations.
be very careful sweet. also be careful about posting on here.

she said we can get things moving fast as they have a list of LL who accept DSS, I run my own business but need to apply for HB, so need a LL that will accept HB, failing that, a refuge anywhere will do. everytime I post on here, I log out and erase my browser history. I also delete anything from my temp internet files and hardrive. Dad is a computer whizz . I know H would check the PC

It sounds like a good plan, although it will be a tough few days. Glad you know what you're doing when it comes to the computers!

Just wanted to send another hug. Also to reiterate, tell the least people possible. When my sister and I planned her escape her sister in law told so had to abandon that particular mission. Got her out the next time though!

Sending you love and luck too OP. My DPs dad was like this and all the things you say about your DH sound just like him. He too told her mother she could leave but not with the DCs, they lived abroad and he was a very respected man in his country/community. I feel so much for you. You are being incredibly brave and sensible but I can only imagine how stressful this must be for you. i will be thinking of you in the next few days and hoping that your support worker comes up with something really soon.

Awww been reading your thread and routing for you! Well done on clearing the history. When it comes to taking documents which you think he would notice missing, try photocopying all important ones. Also try and take passports and birth certificates as they will help you in the long run. Good luck, hope this doesn't take too long for you :)

Oh, well done Frightened! You sound really determined to follow through, despite knowing it will be a challenge to keep up appearances, your last post has a real 'I mean business' tone to it. Hang on in there, it is the right thing to do for you and your children.