The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Staying Springy In Their Quest For Sobriety.

[Mouseface]

Hello, I'm Mouse I have an shockingly abusive relationship with alcohol, mainly vodka.

This Bus is full of drinkers, non-drinkers, thinkers and Babes, all trying to find their way to a happy, sober life.

Some are there, some are almost there and some are not. It really doesn't matter, we're all in this together.

Why not find a seat? Everyone is welcome, drinking or drunk, come and say hello.

HERE is the previous thread, with a link to all of the other wonderful journeys so far............

how was the meeting pixwix? well done for getting numbers.

i kind of avoided that until wednesday when people shoved them at me on pieces of paper - i always said 'oh yes i'll get it off you later' prior to that. made a point of texting someone today to see how she was doing and just to connect to someone doing the same thing and make a start on trying to convince myself that i don't have to do it all on my own - not good at that.

i have the number of an older lady who i feel really drawn to but i feel so weird about ringing - it's an old fashioned landline as well so no easy options. a landline!? i feel really invasive phoning someone's home for some reason

this is day 17 and my third friday night and it really doesn't feel like a long time - seems to have gone really fast. i know it isn't a long time obviously but i'm sure in the past when i've tried to have x amount of time off the booze or such it has draaaagggggegd like mad.

sorry for not keeping up very well - i have a sieve head today. had a good cry this morning and i've felt ok but very tired and befuddled ever since.

can someone order me some sunshine for tomorrow please?

Hello everyone Carrie - no, never had any professional help - always managed to convince myself I was just a very, very social drinker - used to take a lot of drugs when I was younger (late 80's & through the 90's), knocked all that on the head, so always thought the boozing was ok.

But it's not.

To the outside world my life is very successful - idyllic even - but really I'm a just fucking dipso.

As for tackling it - I don't know - I manage well enough for four or five days - don't even think about it really - but then......

SAF Meeting was fine - I was cringing a bit at returned after a long time, with my tail between my legs - but everyone was so welcoming, and didn't make me feel stupid.

I find that with numbers too. Someone said to me today that the idea is that you practise ringing people when you feel OK and get over that hurdle- so that when the shit hits the fan, you can do it automatically.

Also someone said that by ringing someone, you might actually be helping them to keep their own sobriety. It still feels intrusive though - am sure they have better things to be doing than listening to me!

Actually, now I've spouted off all that - it's reminded me -I must stop giving advice and take some myself! am so crap at that! am going to text one of the members to say am OK just practising...

You are doing brilliantly!! I will put in a request for some sunshine for you! x

& I'm not really a group person - I don't do emotion & I'm a hard-line cynic (I realise this may not be helping me) - took me long enough to join you lovely lot so don't think I could countenance any AA type sharing at this point.

What if they turn me into a hippie? What of I become an evangelical temperance merchant?

Own worst enemy - for sure.

Hi sunlit and pixwix and all the other Babes. Proud I had a minging hangover yesterday and took the day off work.

Sunlit, I am also a fucking dipso. Welcome to the club!

I was in AA for a while but realise it's not for me. However the Babes here are wonderful and supportive.

Sunlit I've never had professional help, either. I've always convinced myself that I could control it myself when I was ready, when my life changed, when I felt like it and on and on .......... Also, there is a huge part of me that can't face the shame in 'fessing up to a 'weakness', as like you, the image people have of me is of a successful, together woman who has her life under control. Ridiculous, actually, when I think about it!

That's why I am so glad to be here - it's a half-way house where I can be totally honest without the shame and stigma. I'm hoping it will be enough - we will see.

One step at a time eh Sunlit? That's fine

Saf you are totally awesome! 17 days is bloody brilliant and I'm so glad it seems that something has 'clicked' for you. I can see the sense in making those 'practice' calls because if you do ever feel the need to call, you will not have the added hurdle of it being a completely new experience.

Also, they would not give their numbers if they did not want you to call. I bet someone would be really pleased if you felt comfortable enough with them to contact them x

thanks pix - not too much, don't want sweaty or anything - just bright and cheerful would do me

good idea with the text - i guess that's what i was doing today - practising. i'm going to see if i can phone this lady this evening when ds is in bed. as practise. why is it so scary?

Hello Pixwix & Sunny, thanks for the welcome.

I'm just scared really, booze is my carapace - it makes me who I am - I'm not sure who I'd be with out it socially or creatively.

But it's wrecking my health & my life - I have wrangled my way out of so many booze related scraped over the years it's not that funny any more.

I'm scared too Sunlit. I went to my GP yesterday and admitted I have a problem. I was terrified. I've got a blood test on Monday.

My workmates tried to get me to the pub tonight, but I literally legged it - they probably think I'm bonkers. I'm the 'jolly' fat colleague who does and says outrageous things when drunk and who occasionally comes into work with a hangover. I'm going to have to reinvent myself :)

I'm fed up of being fat, hungover, spotty, wheezy (it really affects my asthma), a pisshead, dipso, drunk, alkie... I'm scared of what I can be though. I started drinking at 15 and I'm not sure precisely who I am without it.

Sunlit can I ask, do you have a partner/husband on the scene? And how old are your children?

You say you are not sure who you'd be without the booze and that it makes you who you are. But you clearly do not love or even like yourself at the moment. Maybe you need to take some very difficult steps to strip away your carapace and find the 'you' underneath? Otherwise, you know there won't be a 'you' for as long as you would like.

Sorry if I'm being harsh :(

cross posted faire thank you if you'd said 17 days ago i'd be saying 17 days i would not have believed you!

what's clicked is that it IS the drinking. i always thought the 'it' was something else and the drinking was just a symptom but the alcoholism is the 'it' and it's not just drinking it's mental and emotional too. it's a way of living and thinking and feeling that i've been in for a long time and i don't want to be in anymore and i'm prepared to do what it takes to get out of it rather than just keep drinking and going round and round in a little... cage.

not sure if that will make sense to anyone else.

Evening babes. There seem to be a lot of new faces! I will never remember everyones names - except pixwix because when I read that you threw up in front of the school gates I laughed so much that water came down my nose. (Sorry!)

My daughter has mentioned that when grown-ups get drunk they sing and start saying crazy things to the taxi-driver.

Sunny - I'm the glamorous skinny one with a fag in her gob who says the most outrageous things & makes everyone laugh whilst her body & brain are rotting (& shallow this may seem - one of the reasons I still booze & smoke is that it hasn't affected my looks - but it will - I know it will - not so fucking glamorous with mouth cancer or luminous yellow skin & florid red veins).

Carrie - I do have a husband (no 2), DCs are four & five.

I do often like myself - I often hate myself - I like me, I hate me - I vacillate & vibrate between the two.

& you're right - there won't, which is why I'm here.

(& it's not harsh - it's true)

Friday night, and I'm allowed some wine! However, I had to go to a supermarket I don't usually go to and could only find 18.5ml bottles not 25ml bottles. Afterwards I figured (maths not being my strong point) I could have got 3 and still not been much over 500ml (my maximum) Feel cheated

But searched for and found the hidden gin, so tonight could end up worse than planned.

As it was a huge supermarket I didn't know, I didn't have time trying to find anything else to buy. So all I bought was 2 tiny bottles of wine. I was so embarrassed, I asked for cashback to make it seem as though it wasn't all about the booze

& yes Sunny when I had jobs that required my presence the number of days I sat at that desk shaking & focusing on not dying......

I was also the drunken elf in Santas grotto at the school christmas fayre - I was topping up the mulled wine they kept bringing me with vodka decanted into a water bottle. They thought I was weakening my free mulled wine - I was getting off my tits. I think Santa is still emotionally scarred.

This year, I aim to do it sober....

I fell over the stuffed reindeer.

Oh, & as an aside & as I'm being honest (& I really should be here I guess) - I abuse prescription drugs whenever I can get my hands on them so the bit about knocking the drugs on the head was a bit of a fib.

I am very inspired though by those of you who are doing so well, especially those who have a long spell of sobriety under their belts & still seem like someone I'd like to speak to (thus the drinker speaks).

You see Pixwix - that amuses me far more than the sober mothers - wrong I know - I need to retrain my brain to find normal, sober stuff funny...

Sorry pixwix I shouldn't laugh, but I did.

Am right with you on prescription drugs Sunlit. Were we separated at birth?

oh dear pixwix I really shouldn't laugh - but you are the kind of drunk I would like to be, instead of the one I am, which is argumentative and obstreporous.

Has this turned into the drunk thread?

Sorry to pop in with a comment that isn't entirely complimentary but this is exactly why I left.

Sunny - possibly - we have similar names too - maybe we should aim for sunshine together?

scoundrel call it what you will but we are all at varying points of alcohol dependency. Comparing embarrassing stories is part of the process.

Embarrassing stories are great, I have a few of my own, but grinning at the fact that you've just got home from the shop with wine you promised yourself you weren't going to have tonight isn't.