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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is he boring or am do I need to grow up?

193 replies

FlameProofNightie · 14/04/2012 14:48

Would appreciate your views on this one.

I have been seeing my new boyfriend for a few months now. We are both 40. He lives local to me and I pop and see him a couple of times a week for a few hours in the evening and we spend weekend time together. I really like him but I sometimes feel a bit 'bored.' Here's why...

He plays golf every Saturday and Sunday during the day. This is fine as I like time to myself but he needs an early night on both of the nights. So, last night for example, we watched a DVD until 11pm, he then yawned and started closing curtains etc.. [ cue for me to leave although I wouldn't have needed to as no kids at home ], quick peck and off i went. No sex.

He spends a lot of time discussing his fitness routines/diet routines/pension provisions/retirement provisions/ the importance of savings/how he likes to allocate special time to household tasks etc etc.. He is fond of lists and he frowns upon any sort of excess in any area of life. We talk about these subjects a lot.

He doesn't drink more than a pint or two at most and then maybe only once a month. So a fun night with a few drinks doesn't happen. I am no lush but it's nice to go to the pub and have a few isn't it?

Sex. It lasts 5 minutes, always in bed, we both stand on opposite sides of the bed removing our own clothes. Always in the same two positions. Sometimes it lasts 8 minutes, maybe. Sometimes there is NO foreplay at all.

He is a careful, fastidious man. I sometimes glance at him and see my father although he is baby faced and looks years younger than he is. I just see.... an old man. It's in his mannerisms I think.

He is really nice though and ...oh GOD- Should I ditch him?

OP posts:

GinPalace · 15/04/2012 11:05

ah, that is a good point you do need someone to sort out your pension!

GinPalace · 15/04/2012 11:06

Actually, so do I, does he do consultancy?

Original poster

FlameProofNightie · 15/04/2012 11:18

ha haaaa. Sadly, not a consultant

Although I could do with some bank balancing that's for sure.

OP posts:

Inertia · 15/04/2012 11:22

He doesn't really seem that interested in spending much time with you tbh, if he is out playing golf all day at the weekends and kicks you out of the house at 11pm.

Look, I like slippers and lists and planning and the Lakes, but even I wouldn't want a relationship with this man - what's the point? There's no companionship or fun. I see the point about security and planning for retirement - but you could see a financial advisor for a couple of hours to get that sorted, then go and live your life rather than waiting on the sidelines while someone else lives theirs.

madonnawhore · 15/04/2012 11:33

Have only read half the thread so sorry if someone's mentioned this already but everything about this relationship seems to be on his terms. He decides when you see each other, he dictates what you'll do on holiday, etc.

I don't think he does sound like a nice person actually. He sounds selfish and this whole thread reads like you're an accessory to his life. Do you have any say in what goes on at all?

Seriously this thread is a perfect example if why no relationship is better than a half arsed relationship where you're doing all the compromising.

Honestly, he's not 'the one' and this is not a good relationship.

solidgoldbrass · 15/04/2012 11:56

You must be desperate not to be single to be in a relationship like this. I don't think this man is a bad man, just set in his ways and not very interested in women/sex/romance. But you are flapping around trying to make him into something he isn't and trying to make yourself into something you are not.
Accept who you are, OP. There is nothing wrong with being a party animal, it is not compulsory to 'settle down' at any age. Heteromonogamy is not a condition of being a grown-up, it's far more mature to know and like yourself enough to remain single/have FWBs forever rather than to scrabble around trying to obtain commitment off any old loser just so you can say you're safely owned.

shoegal34 · 15/04/2012 12:20

Reminds me of my ex. Except before bed he would stub thick covering of moisturiser all over his face like a face mask. Total passion killer LOL. In seriousness, there are worse things. Have not talked to him about what you'd like from the relationship?

MyNameIsntFUCKINGWarren · 15/04/2012 12:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PooPooInMyToes · 15/04/2012 18:40

I agree with madonna.

During the times when he is NOT playing golf, do you ever say Actually I'M busy that evening.

It sounds like you slot in around him. He thinks his sleep and his golf is more important then anything else and you go along with it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/04/2012 18:49

"Atilla - well, yes to emotional unavailability. But that was a long time ago now and I didn't have a terrible childhood or anything. Plus it's pretty much irrelevant at my age I should think".

No, it is totally relevant actually. You're trying to fill in that big Dad sized hole in your life and this man like your Dad (also emotionally unavailable) fits the bill or you're trying to fit within this. You write you did not have a terrible childhood but I would bet on it that it was actually a very unhappy one.

NettoSuperstar · 15/04/2012 18:56

I think I might know who you are.
If I'm right, you have always come across as strong, and independent, and most of all fun.
But, didn't you date a guy a while back who drank a wee bit much and scared you with his driving?
Why would you date men who just aren't what you want?

Are you actually worried about being alone?

Eurostar · 15/04/2012 19:25

Sounds like he dealt with the fallout of a chaotic childhood by creating for himself a very structured and safe adulthood? Like he is attracted to parts of you but in no way in a position to start pulling down the years of defences he has built up. Can you two not just be friends? Maybe you could be good friends to each other but find more suitable partners?

marathonrunner · 15/04/2012 22:37

I would be cringing if i was with a guy and we undressed separately like u describe just for a crap 5-8 min shag!! Ditch him!!

marathonrunner · 15/04/2012 22:37

I would be cringing if i was with a guy and we undressed separately like u describe just for a crap 5-8 min shag!! Ditch him!!

Heleninahandcart · 17/04/2012 21:48

Oh dear, he sounds like someone I knew once who was then only 27. I was 14 years older and bored rigid but stuck with it as I thought he was sensible and everyone said how nice he was. Best I could say was that he was nice but actually, the sex was crap, he was Mr Routine, had no interests outside work and his hobbies and then I realized everyone said he was nice as they didn't know what else to say.

Run for the hills OP.

Nobhead · 17/04/2012 22:05

Profoundly dull! Get rid. Sounds like you have nothing in commen, don't waste anymore time.

Hullygully · 17/04/2012 22:07

HE IS DEADLY DEADLY DEATH IN LIFE

doctordwt · 17/04/2012 22:35

Yes he is. He is ACO to the max, DUMP HEEM.

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